*hugs you shadowed seraph* I'm so sorry they are being like this. Have you spoken to them about why you don't want to go back to the flat?

*hugs Emma and Becca*

I got a script for diazepam. :D Unfortunately the dosage is miniscule and there were no repeats. I do see my pdoc again in 3 weeks ...... I hope it lasts that long but I've got a feeling that it's not going to.

I feel like crap again. I'm not even sure why. I think it's just that I miss my friend that I drove to the airport this morning .... even though I know that I'll be picking him up from the airport tomorrow morning. Or it could just be the psychotic symptoms giving me **** again. Or the fact that I know I'm going to be awake all night again. Meh.

Zowie - LOL. Thanks for making me smile :D

*hugs everyone and hands out chocolate*

*hugs Kahlia* When is your friend back? Hope you manage to get some sleep xx

*Hugs everyone* Don't wanna go to college today, I've prettied myself up and made a packed lunch but just don't wanna face it. I hate the people, I don't feel very safe today and I'm behind in every class. I just want to stay home and catch up on the work I'm behind on.
Maybe I'll pretend to miss the train. x

Emma, his plane is due to land at 10:40 tomorrow. I've just had a conversation with him via text. He called me an angel and I'm not exactly sure why. I think it might be because I told him that his daughter would never forget him and that his feeling sad about leaving her was totally understandable. He also gave me a virtual kiss. It was kind of weird.

Zowie - *hugs you back* I can't offer you any advice, but I have had similar feelings. Just wanted to offer you support for whatever you decide to do.

*hugs everyone*

Got to uni, drove into the carpark. Decided I couldn't face it and drove back home. I am now in bed. Pathetic.

Not pathetic at all hunni *squuezes*

*cuddles Kahila & Becca lots too*

I've have had a REALLY good day off uni today. *squeals*

Before I forget, will you still be ok to come tomorrow Em??? xx

Not pathetic at all, Pomegranate. I got the train to college, walked in, went straight to support services and said 'I can't stay here, sign me out of my classes' Got on the train and went home.

My dad is being a real ass at the moment. He's really upsetting me. First he called me an alchoholic even though I don't think I drink more than anyone my age; he's just pissed off that I drink on meds and decides to hurt me by incinuating that I'm turning into my mother (drink and OD killed her). No offence to my mum, I'd love to be like her, but I am NOT an alchoholic.
Secondly, even though he knows I'm unwell and therefore sleep a lot during the day he still has a go at me and calls me lazy. My sister sleeps a lot of the day and she isn't suffering from psychotic depression, and he doesn't call her lazy.
Thirdly, he owes me £45 and wont give me any of it because I'll spent it on alcohol and fags. Just because he doesn't like drinking or smoking (any more) doesn't mean it's wrong to do it.
Don't get me wrong, my dad is a lovely guy but sometimes he can be such an ass.
So pissed off right now. Want to cut. Maybe I am a bad person.
Wish I could cry.

I am in a bad place at the moment and think all my friends are ignoring me and i think they really are this time...and i need to talk to one so bad right now :(

*hugs 1ofmany* I'm sorry you're in a bad place hun, is there anything I can do to help ??

*hugs Zowie* From what I've read and the support you have offered people I don't think you are a bad person. Sometimes parents get like that for whatever reason. I'm not surprised you want to cut. My hope is that you can stay safe and start to feel okay soon. *cuddles you tight*

*hugs Emma* Neither you, nor what you did is pathetic. I've done the same thing before, especially when I haven't been coping particularly well. Uni/college can be a bit like that at times. It takes an awful lot of energy and coping ability to deal with the large number of people in classes, and also the concentration and so forth required can be hard to achieve if you aren't feeling well. Sorry if that seems like a bit of a lecture. I just wanted to let you know that I can understand where you are coming from, and you aren't alone in having done so. *hugs you tight*

*hugs Helen* I'm glad you had a good day off uni. It sounds like it was the right decision for you. I hope that you feel okay today/tonight and that you have another good day.

*hugs Becca* I hope things are going okay for you. Sorry that you have/had to move back to the flat. If you are still crying please allow me to offer you a box of tissues and a large cuddle.

*hugs everyone else*

It may only be 5:30 am but this day has been going on for way too long. I got, at most, half an hour's sleep last night and none the night before so the day has been going since 6 am the day before that.

I pick my friend up from the airport today. :D It's really stupid that I missed him so much considering I knew he would only be gone for 24 hours, but maybe it's just that I'm so pathetic. Either that or my mother has a point. She keeps asking me whether I'm in love with him or just dependent on him. She does ask jokingly. She knows that I love him like a brother .... he's more like my brother than my real brother is. That could just be because both my brother and sister are 6 years + older than me and were barely around when I was growing up.

Anyway I'll stop my whinging and whining now. Anyone feel like joining me in the smoking shelter for a bit ?? I'll bring the ashtray...

*gives everyone another hug then disappears into the smoking shelter*

*gives you a big hug*

My day is still going goooooooood! GET IN!!!

*hugs everyone else who needs them*

*hugs Helen back* Good to hear. :D

I just realised what a mammoth post that last one of mine was. Wowwee. Sorry about that everyone. I just hope I didn't leave anyone out!

Anyone want some of my secret stash of chocolate ??

I do *jumps up and down*

*hugs lots*

I have a busy day ahead tomorrow. Feel like yelling ah crap :D But I have no idea why haha :)

*hands chocolate to Helen*

Shhhh! Don't tell anyone I have chocolate. LOL!

I wont, thank you hun :D

I'm tired but happy :)

No Just on a low mood thank you so much for the offer though it helps :)

1ofmany - okay, I'll just offer you some nice, warm cuddles and the hope that your mood will begin to improve.

Helen - hehe the chocolate is our little secret. :D

AAArrrrgghhh!!! Why can't I ****ing sleep???? I hate hardly any sleep yesterday or the day before and it is now gone 6am and I am still awake. *sits and stares*

*hugs anyone who needs them*

*hugs Emma* I have similar issues with sleep. I hope that you start to get some decent sleep soon because I know it can play total havec (sp?) with your head. *sends warm wishes*

*hugs everyone who wants or needs hugs*

Didn't cut last night. Just went to bed early and managed to sleep for a little bit.
Got college today and wont be taking the day off again. Haven't been to Sociology for aaaaaaages and really need to catch up. It's bloody boring, but life will become so much better when I go to uni. Seriously.
Ate two meals yesterday (I'm meant to be restricting to one) so I felt a bit crap. Especially because the evening meal was a proper cooked meal. But I really wanted to cook my little sister some food and sit down with her, so when she said 'why don't you make some for yourself' I thought 'yeah why not.' I'm so crap, I have no self control.
I'm getting a wii fit soon so I can get some exercise (can't go swimming anymore coz of cuts everywhere, can't go running coz I'm a smoker, can't go to the gym coz I'm really insecure). That should be good. Maybe I'll tone myself up for the summer :D

Right, better go get ready.
*Hugs all who wants them* Hope everyone's doing okay :)
Love you all xxx

*Crawls in and cuddles ppl and leaves some chocolate cake for every1*

*wonders in grabs a cover, sets up camp in a dark corner and curls up under the cover*

The friend who is living with me OD'd tonight. I know that the drugs won't kill him but now I feel like hanging myself or cutting. I've done something that lots of people will call stupid. I've thrown out all my medication. I don't know that I care about anything any more.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't share my crap with you all. I just hope you are doing better than me.

*Hugs Kahlia*

*hugs everyone* have escaped the flat back to my parents, they aren't pleased but i've promised to sit down and talk about it with them, not that i expect them to listen! *gives big puppy eyes to Helen and Kahlia* can i have some chocolate pweeeease

*gives cuddles for all*

Arrrgh! I went to sleep about 10/11pm last night and then dreamt about wonderful overdosing and then Emma was involved (sure it's because of april's od) and it just got really werid. Then, I woke up at 3.15am and don't think I went to sleep til 7.30am :o and then I was up properly at 9am after dreaming about some strange things to do with me, my parents, one of my sisters & this guy I fancy **** loads.

OMG :s My dreams just get weirder & werider...

Dreams are strange *cuddles Helen*

*cuddles*

In floods of tears at the moment.
Need to pull myself together as my dad will soon be here.
>.<

*cuddles and mops you up with a tissue*

My best isn't good enough.

I think I've wrecked it all.

I am a complete failyre to my two closest friends. I have let them down to maney times and have just found out one of them od yesterday. The hard thing is telling them that I know whats happened and that I still and always have cared about them. They are my family and its hard because they no longer speak to me I am out of ideas to help myself and to help them. What can I do?

*hugs everyone and gets some chocolate out of the secret stash for anyone who wants some*

I have to go in to the hall for a lighting design meeting tonight. That means: a half hour drive in, a half hour for the meeting, and a half hour drive home. Blech. I'm starting to wonder if I did the right thing by saying that I would do the lights.

I got some sleep today. Probably about an hour and a half. Last night was a bit of a write-off. But I guess it will all come out in the wash .... right ??

I'd better go. Today is just a really weird day.

*hugs everyone again*

*hugs all*

Urrrgh Thursday =\ But least in 6 hours it'll have been over for 25 minutes and half term will have STARTED!!!!

Bad sleep kinda, fell asleep about 11pm, woke up and went to sleep properly at 12am and woke up at ****ing 3.30am, stuipd dream waking me up. Sick of getting to sleep at a reasonable time to be woken up again 3/4 hours later and then feeling dead tired when I do wake properly....

Bored. Bored. Bored.

*hugs everyone and takes some chocolate* i need more sleep the crappy amount i got last night wont do

*Waves*
I'm back.
My 'net got cut off on monday night (while in the middle on RYL chat - rude!),
got it back today though, so all is well.
No, that's a lie.
But, atleast i have some sort of distraction.

SI'd last night quite badly.
I'm not taking my med tomorrow morning (i started it 2 weeks ago), i can't cope with the constant panic attacks that last for hours, and the horrid nightmares.
Haven't slept for the past 3 nights because of them. I thought i was being suffocated in my bed last night, nearly vomited on my floor because of a bad panic attack.
Nice.
I'd rather put up with 4-5 panic attacks a WEEK, than 4-5 panic attacks a DAY.

GP appt tomorrow.
First time in 3 weeks since i've left the house.
Absolutely bricking it.

I'll catch up soon with you all (will read back a few pages), in the meantime, i hope you're all well.
*Massive huggles to all of you*
Lots of love.
xxxx

What's the point? Nobody understands my geuine concern for her. Thank god it's half term now :) I'm off home soon at last.

Zowie, why so bored?

Becca *cuddles*

Wifey, glad you're back, have really missed you :(

Your concern for who hun?

Missed you too wifey. Did you get my text the other night?
xx

*cuddles helen* thank you for the hugs i know your not having a good time with sleep at the moment either!

*hugs Dramatic* i think you've probably made the right decision re your meds but see your doctor about it,. i know its hard to leave the house but do it.

*hugs Becca*
Well, the good thing is i'm seeing him tomorrow afternoon - so it doesn't matter so much if i just don't take my medication in the morning.
I will take my usual night meds tonight as i don't have a problem with them, but there is no way i can manage another sleepless night. I am so exhausted it's not even funny!
I will try to go, i need to get out of the house really but with my agoraphobia it..makes things difficult.
Plus, i am a fat heffa, and i have no clothes. Which makes me even more self conscious, erk.
Thanks for the hugs sweetie. I hope you're ok. xx

*hugs Laura, Becca, Helen and Zowie*

I know I was bemoaning the fact that I had that lighting design meeting tonight ... but in some ways I'm glad I went. It lifted my mood for a little while. I think it was because they treated me like I knew what I was talking about. Especially when I said that I'd done lights with this set-up since I was 13. The meeting went for 1.5 hours instead of the half hour that it was supposed to go for but hey, c'est la vie.

I'm a little tired and I think I might actually sleep tonight. I'm not going to count on it though .... as I've said before, sleep is a skill I regularly forget how to do. I guess that most of us have been having issues with sleeping properly, just recently anyway.

I'd better stop taking up everyone's valuable reading time.

*hugs everyone*

Oh just a uni friend, but I am most likely reading WAY too much into it. I did get your text, sorry I didn't text back, even to your number...

*cuddles back* Thanks for the cuddles :) Ah sleep is a stuipd thing sometimes :pinch:

Doesn't matter Hells, i didn't think you'd worry anyway given the circumstances.
I won't bug you again about it, i just got into a bit of a flap and didn't want anyone worrying but as it turns out no one on RYL did worry anyway.
Hope you can sort things out with your uni friend :)
x

I definately missed you but didn't worry cus of that text. Now had there been no text I would have worried :| *cuddles*

*hugs laura, helen and kahlia* i'm alright really, just in a funny mood, hope your all ok

*;eaves cuddles for Laura, Becca & Kahlia*

Meh.
Everyone is just winding me up today.
It's like a war zone at home, and i always get the backlash of it despite staying locked in my room.
Everything is "my fault" (or atleast that's how i'm made to feel).
I got paid today (Incapacity Benefit),
it's all gone.
Not on me.
Mum has taken it all.
Yep yep.
Apparently because she's so "skint" she's had to use my money to get her out of the doghouse - and this has happened everytime i've got paid for the past 2 months.
It's beginning to majorly grate on my nerves.
I was hoping to put £5-10 away for myself towards some clothes,
as i've only got one pair of trousers and NO tops that fit properly (either far too big, or too small).
I'm getting behind in my own debts because mother is pawning money off me left right and center.

It's all a piss take.
But the only thing keeping me going is SI'ing my frustrations/anger out.
And the thought of "not being here for much longer" is making everything slightly more bareable.

*cuddles wifey*