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-   -   Tired of being in pain *contains abuse* (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=255936)

activebrain 25-05-2019 02:08 AM

Tired of being in pain *contains abuse*
This is the first time I've posted in this forum and I hope I can get some support. I've posted my bio in the self harm advice section so I don't want to get to detailed into everything but bottom line, all of my trauma history has led up to my suicidality and self harm ideation and actions. Today I'm really struggling with wanting to live at all. I just feel so lost and hopeless as I await admittance into a trauma Treatment Center. It feels like I've been waiting forever since I learned that I was accepted there. And now I just feel lost like I said waiting for whatever is supposed to happen and struggling to survive until then. I went for a walk this evening and wanted to keep on walking and never return. I have so many people in my life that I love though and don't want to hurt them and yet I'm so tired of hurting. I'm tired of my life I'm tired of bipolar and borderline personality disorder and my eating disorder and generalized anxiety disorder and depression and OCD and PTSD. I'm tired of being alive. It just feels so pointless. I know why I need to stay alive and it still feels impossible. I'm so tired of everything hurting emotionally. I told my therapist today that I would much prefer to have physical problems then emotional ones because then I wouldn't feel like it's my fault and like I'm such a failure. I feel like I'm always crying and always in a mess and completely defective. I know logically that none of these things are my fault and that they're actually both of my parents' fault, and I still feel that everything I do is wrong because of the messages they both always gave me. So I just feel like such a waste of life even though I have friends who are so loving and supportive. And they also just don't get it. They've never experienced things like I have and so they don't completely understand. My life is a chaotic mess and I'm really struggling to want to continue. I feel I'm in crisis every second of my life and I really wish something could come along and help me. I'm so frustrated with myself and feel so alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to get in to see my psychiatrist to see if a med change could happen and he's totally booked for the next 4 weeks. I'm on their cancellation list meaning if someone cancels they'll get me in and that's highly unlikely. So I just keep on floating through life having flashbacks fighting my eating disorder and fighting self-harm urges and feeling like it's a complete waste. Why can't I just give in and be done with it?:crazy:

one_step_closer 25-05-2019 04:41 PM

It sounds like you feel like everything is getting on top of you and it's too much to deal with. Is there any way you can focus on small things to see if you can change them slightly to hopefully make things a bit easier? Looking at everything at once is bound to feel overwhelming. How often do you see your therapist? Could that contact be increased for a while until you feel more settled? It's good that you have friends even if you feel they don't understand, maybe they could be there for you in another way such as taking your mind off things and showing you that you have some important relationships. I hear that you're fighting, I know it's horrible but please keep fighting until hopefully there is less of a battle. Take care.

activebrain 25-05-2019 05:43 PM

I'm trying to continue fighting. It's just hard whenever I have the flashbacks, because it's so overwhelming and ends up paralyzing me as far as being able to do anything activity wise. It's so hard to think of myself in the way that I know I am logically when I've had so much done to me that makes me feel like I'm a waste of life. My favorite catch phrase anymore seems to be I've been used abused and discarded. Blocking out 30 years of sexual abuse and just becoming aware of it in the past year-and-a-half is overwhelming in of itself. To also know that my father is the cause of my eating disorder and self-harm ideation and suicidal ideations is just putting me over the top. My psychiatrist and therapist both say it should be a relief because now I understand why I was always that way and to an extent they're right. It is a relief to know that it's not my fault that I never truly desired to do any of this oh, and now it just feels like it's so familiar that it's impossible to stop. How can I reconcile that my father raped me for 30 years and sold me to other men to do the same? How can I go for 40 some years believing I'm a virgin to knowing I haven't been since I was 12? Unfathomable and hurts monumentally. My father used to say that if I wanted it to stop I'd have to kill myself and I attempted it umpteen hundred times. And yet I survived a chance that medical practitioners said I shouldn't have. With all of my past suicide attempts there is no medical reason why I should be alive. I know it's because God has saved my life because he knows that I never desired this for real. It was because I was under my father's influence. And so there's a part of me that is fighting so hard because I don't want my father to be in control of my mind anymore. And at the same time it feels like I have no choice that I have to give in to something he has told me my entire life. My whole life he told me that I never should have been born and that he always wanted a boy and he made it very obvious that he did not love me. It's very difficult for me to trust that others are not going to do the same to me and it makes me feel so much pain that I just want it all to be over. I'm not actively thinking about attempting suicide and there are moments when everything just feels so overwhelming that I can't stand it and want to end it all. Things can get very chaotic for me very fast and the time that I recently self-harmed was because I just could not stand all of the emotional pain any longer. I really just wanted to stop hurting and it felt like the only option was to cut. This life is a pain in the rump and I struggle everyday to stay alive. I already see a therapist twice a week and I definitely do not have the time to increase that because of my spiritual activities. It actually helps me more when I am engaged in my spiritual activities and around my friends. It's when I'm alone in my apartment. I feel loneliest and just have no motivation to do anything. It's so frustrating and I don't take baby steps. My borderline personality disorder causes me to do everything to the extreme. It's either All or Nothing. I hate it. Hate my life and hate myself as well for being so weak and unable to get better. Thank you for your support and I am still trying and really still not wanting to.

Zurg 25-05-2019 06:45 PM

I just wanted to say that i don't think you are weak. You are very, very strong. Even though your father deilberately hurt and abused you, you are trying to rise above it and prove him wrong in all the things he made you believe. When abuse goes on for a long time and when there is no one to challenge the lies you're told then of course you will start believing them and adjust your character after them. But you are not under his influence any longer and now the rest of your life is yours alone and the rest of your time you can spend on tearing yourself free from his lies and you can surround yourself with good people and learn who you really are. And never ever believe that you are anything but brave, strong and beautiful!!!!!

activebrain 25-05-2019 11:47 PM

And I'm tired of living with the knowledge of what he did to me. It's overwhelming and I just don't feel like I can cope with it any longer

one_step_closer 26-05-2019 12:05 PM

I can imagine it must be distressing to have blocked things out for 30 years and now you're having to deal with it all at once. No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. I think you can keep on going and find ways to be kind to yourself and improve your strength. I know it's hard right now but please try and look forward, to some healing and hopefully life being more of the way you want it to be. How do you manage your difficult feelings?

activebrain 26-05-2019 02:35 PM

Crying a lot. Talking to others. Always praying. Exercising. And when things get as bad as they did last night, calling crisis lines. Problem is seems like everyday I'm in crisis anymore. I should be leaving for my religious meeting right now and just feel too distressed, depressed, and exhausted to go. Just going to listening through our link. Thanks for the support. Still trying. And still looking at a bottle of pain pills.

activebrain 27-05-2019 01:27 AM

And I'm still really struggling. Just had some flashbacks where my father said I was completely worthless and useless and why was I ever born? It's hard not to believe him. I know logically he's wrong and I still feel like such a failure as a person. Taking everything in me to stay alive. I want so much to cut. I'm just trying so hard to hang on until I get into the trauma Treatment Center and yet I wonder if that's going to do me any good. Am I putting too much faith in people and not in God? Is anything ever going to help me in this system? It all feels so pointless.

activebrain 29-05-2019 01:44 AM

And I'm still terrified. I've hardly eaten anything for the past 3 days and I'm terrified to eat because then I'm terrified that if I do I'll end up cutting or attempting suicide. It seems easier to give in to my eating disorder because it's not as obviously harmful to the Observer. I know it's harming me however because I've been extremely light headed for the past two and a half days and keep feeling like I'm going to pass out. It's just so frustrating because I just don't feel like I can hang on until I get into the trauma Treatment Center. I'm scared for my life. I really don't know how to keep fighting. I trust in Jehovah God to take care of me and I also am still terrified. Tonight is damage control and I really feel like I'm going to end up cutting because none of my grounding techniques are helping get rid of the urges. And it seems like if I cut then I don't feel quite as suicidal. Just so exhausted and drained and totally depleted.

one_step_closer 29-05-2019 03:10 PM

Are you able to contact your therapist in between sessions or use anything that you have been working on in the sessions to help you through?

activebrain 29-05-2019 03:20 PM

My therapist Is on vacation for 2 and 1/2 Weeks. I can't get in to see my psychiatrist. I have no idea when I'm getting into the trauma Treatment Center. I'm just feeling completely out of options and completely hopeless.

one_step_closer 29-05-2019 03:21 PM

I can understand the fear of being without support when there are breaks, but maybe you have it inside you to take care of yourself during this time. If you would let yourself.

activebrain 29-05-2019 03:25 PM

Self-care and I don't get along. We never have. It was never permitted and so I never really learned how to. Anytime I self-care I feel guilty and then I feel like I have to hurt myself. It feels selfish and feels like I'm not doing enough for everybody else.

one_step_closer 29-05-2019 03:29 PM

I can relate to that, self care can be so difficult and I know it can feel wrong. You can't do things for other people if you're not looking after yourself though. Can you at least try not to hurt yourself, even if you can't show yourself any active kindness?

activebrain 30-05-2019 08:22 PM

Actually I ended up having a really good day today. I decided after two different ER visits that enough was enough and I needed to take control of my life again. So I had planned for the day to be a special fun exercise day and I had a blast. I ate out of the brand new restaurant and enjoyed the food and didn't even feel guilty oh, and then I went to a trampoline park and had an absolute blast despite being the only adult there that was jumping. And then I explored a bit in a new city and went to a bookstore and bought a paint by stickers book for adults. It was an absolutely fabulous day and I have hope in and as my thing says I'm goofy. It helps that I was being silly this morning and continued it all day by talking in a Southern accent. It seems to help me when I talk in accents that I'm not my own as long as I continue it throughout the day and inappropriate places. It helps to be able to just cut loose and not take myself so seriously. So I am motivated and determined to live and enjoy myself and do things the right way.

one_step_closer 31-05-2019 01:18 PM

That sounds good. :) Maybe you could make sure you add some fun things each day so there is always something to look forward to and you don't use all the fun things up in one go.

activebrain 31-05-2019 02:08 PM

In the works.

activebrain 16-06-2019 01:19 AM

I feel like someone took all the rungs away from the ladder I was struggling to climb. And now all I'm left is barely being able to grasp the outside edges. Certain that I'm going to fall and go Splat and that's the end of me. And right now I'm wishing it would be. I learned that the trauma Treatment Center is not going to take me after all. Bottom line I'm too sick. As if that makes any sense whatsoever. I have been told by so many places that I need higher level care so they're not going to give me any type of care or refer me to any place that will give me the care that I need. Everyone keeps on expecting me to fix myself before they're willing to help me and I'm sick of it and I'm just wanting to just Chuck it all and say what's the point I'm done. I'm so tired of hurting and a being aware of everything that's happened to me in of feeling worthless and of feeling defective. I know I put too much hope into that place but it's because nothing else has given me the tools that I need because no one else wants to touch the trauma with a ten-foot pole. No one ever wants to touch what's hurting me the most and yet they want me to get better without helping me it makes no sense. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just trying to hang on until Monday when I see my psychiatrist. Hopefully he'll see how much distress I am facing and get me in a regular inpatient psychiatric ward which I don't know what is going to do for me but at least it'll be a sense of relief temporarily. I'm tired of taking care of everybody including myself. I need someone to take care of me for once. I never had that. Not even when I was growing up. I took care of my parents from the time I was four. I have no idea what it's like to have a mommy. I just want my life to end it hurts too much.

one_step_closer 16-06-2019 01:52 PM

I'm sorry things are difficult again. It's such a shame that the trauma treatment centre won't offer you any support, I know how much you were holding onto hope for that. It doesn't make sense a lot of the time, like where do you go if you're not unwell enough for some services but too unwell for others? Please be honest with your psychiatrist. I hope something can be sorted out for you.

activebrain 02-07-2019 12:48 AM

So I've had another turn of events that is making life difficult for me as usual. I talked with someone who is one of my support and even though I know he meant well and I was trying to be encouraging I was left feeling like I'm expected to change before I'm going to be accepted and before people are willing to truly support me and be there for me. I know I'm going about this backwards. I've been feeling very alone and lost and lonely and needing people desperately. I mentioned this to my friend and asked what do I need to do because I don't want to make people feel guilty about what they're not doing and what we have been counseled to do in regards to showing love to one another and being there for one another. So he gave me some advice as to things that are part of my personality that he said can be overwhelming and overbearing to people and can be kind of a turn off. They're really rather insignificant things in my opinion. One is that I have a loud voice. Why would that turn somebody off I don't get it. Why can't they just Overlook the faults like we have been told to do? No I'm not expecting Perfection from them. It's actually more in the office at pain that I expect Perfection from myself because I already view others as Practically Perfect. I'm not meaning I think they are perfect because I know they're going to make mistakes. It's just I honestly do feel that people because they're doing the best they can are as close to perfect they can be at the moment. I don't know if that makes any sense. I'm not really expressing myself the way I meant to. All I'm saying is that I've always had problems with if I can do something why can't everybody else? I view people are superior to me because my Bible training and so I naturally feel that if I can treat people in a kind and loving way and be there for them and support them and love them in spite of their flaws then why can't people do the same for me? So ever since his comment, I have been left with feeling like the people that I thought were my support system must view me as high maintenance and it would just be easier for everybody if I simply didn't exist. Yes I know they would grieve if I were dead and I truly believe and feel in my heart of hearts that secretly they would be relieved because they wouldn't have to deal with all of my crazy moods anymore. I'm just really frustrated with myself. I haven't given into self-harm recently directly that is. I say directly because I have given into a lot of really bad eating disorder behaviors. I'm just trying to have some measure of control in my life because I feel totally out of control. And yes I recognize that really the Eating Disorders in control at the moment. I just feel out of total loss. I'm tired of people treating me like I'm totally insignificant and inadequate and I'm tired of my own insecurities. I'm tired of people treating me in a way that says I'm too sick for anyone to help anymore. If no one can help me then what is the point? I thought I'd come to a level of acceptance, but how do you accept that there is absolutely no help and that your life is destined to be miserable forever with no respite? How do you reconcile the fact but no one has any answers whatsoever and keeps expecting me to fix myself before they're willing to give me any help whatsoever? I know I'm not working myself correctly or very well and I'm just completely discombobulated. I'm doing PHP right now and I need to have a very serious conversation with either the therapist or the psychiatrist regarding my suicidal ideation and eating disorder behaviors. I really feel that I got discharged from inpatient entirely too soon. Why in the world would you discharge someone the day after the adjusting saying how suicidal they are? I had just finished telling the doctor that I was actively searching for a way to kill myself while on the unit and then the very next day they tell me they're discharging me. How does that make any sense whatsoever? I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have been screaming help at the top of my lungs, in the middle of a crowd, and no one is paying any attention to me whatsoever. Or even worse oh, they hear me and they either don't care or don't want to help. I feel completely defective and broken and like nothing is ever going to get better. I feel hopeless.

elisa 27-07-2019 06:15 AM

I have just read some parts of what you have written... and I am sending a hug (I do not know how to send it via the website options)... just that reading what you have written and saying nothing to you did not seem ok to me... so I am sending a hug this way at least...

elisa 27-07-2019 06:38 AM

well... I do not know if you would find this helpful (but since I have struggled in the past with inadequate heathcare, I have found the following thing/method quite useful, so here it is....)

1) it seems to me that you haven't been offered a sufficient healthcare yet
2) try to imagine the help you might need, relax, close your eyes, and imagine the place (if it is the admission to some Trauma Centre - why not.. ) and imagine a treatment and people there that would be helpful and healing ..
3) of course you can have a loud voice (or whatever) if you suffer (are suffering just now, or/and have been suffering for so long .. ) - the fact that they are not able to "cope" with your loud voice is just a sign they are not being very useful - TRY TO IMAGINE SOMEONE THAT WOULD BE USEFUL TO EASE YOUR SUFFERING (try to imagine kind words that would be helpful, try to imagine a better systematical help).. . i am afraid that my grasp of English is not adequate to express sufficiently what I mean, but try to imagine the words you need to hear to feel better..
I am sending a hug....

elisa 27-07-2019 06:48 AM

and if you do this sort of "imagination" something even stronger than a loud voice might appear (come to the surface)
, then again you will have to imagine a response which would be helpful to heal the pain that may manifest itselff in a "loud" voice or "whatever"...

activebrain 27-07-2019 10:50 AM

Thank you for your kind words. I'm actually doing much better now. I seem to be on the right meds, or something.

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