I understand April *cuddles tight*

*Sits in the corner hugging puppy SinClair.*

I just feel so unwanted, so unloved...so unlovable. I don't have a single good trait about me. I'm such a horrible, jealous and deperate person. I don't deserve to be loved but I crave it so much.

My pup is the only one that loves me, and when I move out I wont have him anymore. I wont be allowed a pet. I'll be so alone.

Even my MHT don't care about me. My GP doesn't care anymore. The world's given up on me.

*cuddles Helen & Vicki* How are you doing, Helen? feeling any better?

Vicki, love, we still care about you here... the more you post the more support you get (usually anyway, to a degree)... and we haven't given up on you. How do you know that your MHT has given up on you? & your GP? have you asked them directly? Usually people in those professions don't give up on their clientele... the profession(s) wouldn't exist then. What's going on? *more cuddles*

Am feeling like ****... want to binge... want to purge... want to cut... and I just want to ESCAPE this life that I'm living because it's so difficult. I am so tired of being asked why I'm so angry that I "can't" self destruct, why I'm so angry that I "have to" be healthy/happy/positive, etc., etc. :( I don't ****ing KNOW why, I just know that I am.

:crying:

Wrote in my r/v thread & also posted in the ED forum, if anyone wants to take a look.

Probably not, but that's okay.

I'm not really that important anyway.

:(

Vicki, I care about you & I love you. So that's another person who does. I'm always here for you. *snuggles*

April *snuggles* YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!! I will try read your threads today sweetheart. I do care so much and I know others do too. Try stay safe please *cuddles again*

*cuddles Helen* You're a right sweetheart... how are you doing today? feeling any better? ♥

I'm so triggered right now, and frustrated, and struggling. I hate my body. It's so nasty... I should probably post in my r/v thread about this but I want to get feedback. Maybe my blog on here. I'm sick of the comments I get on LJ... they make me think but I don't want to think, I just want to rant and get it out of my ****ing system. *cries*

I hate my life, hate my life, hate my life. It hurts so bad right now. I don't know what to do. I'm wearing dress clothes and they are girls' clothes which are much tighter than what I normally wear (sweats & baggy shirts) so I feel like a bloody elephant... hell, I want to cut so badly!!!!

:crying:

Sorry for being a mess.

*hides in a dark corner where she can be a mess without anyone noticing*

*cuddles April* Keep staying safe if you can sweet, I know it's really really really really hard right now

I'm doing badly too today. But that doesn't matter.

hey guys
*cuddles Helen and April* sorry you're both feeling bad today. look after yourselves*hugs*
i'm checking in again. sorry haven't been around for a while....things have been a bit...well, a bit better but more manic and stressful. but i currently feel shiiiiiiit and need to stop thinking of ways to end it...it's not helping.
*sits in a corner*

*sits with Laura and gives hugs*

*cuddles LauraFriend and Helen* Sorry you two are also feeling shitty. :(

I just want it to end. I am so sick of living. :crying:

*hugs Helen* thanks

*hugs April* aww hun :( i know exactly how you feel.....sucks. massively. *hugs*

i just wanna cry. for hours. which won't help. but i can't. so that's cool. :/

*cuddles vicki, laurafriend, helen and april* Stay strong you guys. I know its hard.

Oh man... another week begins. Hopefully this one will be less stressful than last week, but I doubt it. I hate that everything has to be stressful for me. Even things that are supposed to be fun trigger anxiety. Stupid.
I need to have a serious chat with my boyfriend. Too bad neither of us can find any time to see each other. Its kind of frustrating.

3 weeks until my spring break! can't wait.

*hugs everyone*

*Hugs April , Laura , MammaMia* I'm sorry life is being so rough to you guys :(
I feel kinda guilty saying this but I managed to stay S.I. free for a month as of today ,strangly I don't feel proud of myself and I'm a little triggered , I was studying my scars earlier , just staring at them .Sorry .

Congratulations on one month free :) It's okay to feel triggered & study your scars *cuddles* We all do it..

*huggles to all who need them*

I'm so sick of this emotional roller coaster... its getting nauseating.

*hides in a corner under a duvet in hopes the world can't find me*

*hugs mark* great job on being a month free! I understand not feeling proud. Whenever i reach a landmark point I always think I'll be proud but i never am. Just keep fighting. Its okay to be triggered. Try to keep distracted

*hugs helen*

*hugs crimson* I'm sorry that you are tired of everything. Hope it gets easier soon.

Pum!!!

*hugs all*

Sorry I disappeared off to hospital again Sat night and got back yesterday but was really physically unwell. They gave me 1000 mgs of normal Seroquel instead of the Sustained Release and all night I had problems with my temperature and really severe leg cramps. I managed to walk down the corridor for lunch and even the orderly could see there was something wrong. My skin was freaking purple. I really think the staff at the psych ward of the hospital are trying to kill me ....

Would you believe it's about 30 degrees Celsius and I'm shivering ???

*cuddles everyone, gives Mark a special cuddle for his 1 month free, plays with Puppy SinClair, and then disappears into the darkness*

do any of you ever wish that something would happen that would just completely change you? I think i'm always waiting for a moment or a breakthrough i guess like that..

I know it doesn't work like that. People don't just change/recover... it takes time and work... but i still wish that somebody or something would happen that would give me some sort of hope i guess.

*hugs everyone*

hey Mark *waves* :) I don't think we've met before but congrats on one month free! *hugs* that's so cool. wish i could go a week....

Laurastar - i know exactly what you mean. i just want to feel ok. for a change.

i currently feel shocking. i was ok when i woke up but then i got back from breakfast and i want to hurt myself so badly....argh.
*hides under a blanket in the corner*

*hides*

:crying:

*finds a corner where he can sleep* this insomnia is driving me up the wall

I HATE insomnia. We should strike against it!!!! *wraps Oliver in a blanket & rocks him to sleep* :)

I just want to say, "**** IT" and binge.... there's so much food here at my parents'!!! :crying:

*cuddles everyone*

Don't know why I even bothered to wake up today, let alone get out of bed.

*cuddles Helen* Me neither. The ceiling guys didn't come, they aren't coming until tomorrow & probably wouldn't have told me had I not texted my landlord. **** them.

I am so ****ing ANGRY with myself. :crying:

Why are you angry with yourself sweetie? :(

*cuddles april lots*

*cuddles everyone*

Sorry, i keep trying to pop in every now and again but i'm struggling to concentrate on things.

*squishy cuddles for April* I'm sorry things are so tough April. I'm here if u ever want to chat. Send me a PM and i'll be there.
I hope ur alright darling x x x

*Hugs to all*

I feel so drained today after the milepost of 1 month yesterday it feels like a total anti climax, like 1 month what now *sigh*

*cuddles Helen* I'm angry with myself because I mini-binged and it's not going to be bulimia unless I do something about getting rid of the food. I don't want to have COE/BED... I am already fat!!! :crying: Anyway. How are you, love?

*cuddles Joc* How are you, sweetie? how's the hospital stuff going?

*cuddles Mark* Well, aim for 2 months. :D One step at a time. :) You can do it... although I totally understand the drained/anticlimactic feeling. It sucks.

I tried to take a nap as I'm utterly exhausted but it didn't work. Damn it. So now I'm awake and thinking about bingeing and suicide. :crying:

*cuddles april* try not to be so hard are yourself hun. I know thats easy to say and hard to do but you have to keep trying. I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

*hugs mark* i agree with what april said, and if u feel that another month is too lofty of a goal, then aim for one day... sometimes i have to take it by hours.. you can do it!

*hugs helen* sorry that you are having a rough day.

*hugs jocelyn* you dont need to be sorry :-) sorry that you are having troubles lately.

So tired.. again. Every week I am exhausted by tuesday. Anyway, too much going on in my head to even try to type it out.

Hope everyone is alright.

Urgh, classes to go to in 40 minutes. At least I only have 2 today... but I still have to get stuff done for tomorrow's lab turn-in... and I am so confused by it!! :-/ I'm not going to get a stellar lab grade on this one, I can almost promise you. :(

Really, really, REALLY ****ing want to binge. More. I want MORE. I am so disgusting, so despicable, I am nasty and filthy. Punch me, kick me, I deserve it.

:crying:

*cuddles everyone*

April, be kind to yourself sweetheart, you don't deserve to be hurt adn you're not fat or any of the other bad things you called yourself. =(

I've had enough.

April , you are not disgusting or fat , you don't deserve to be hurt you are a great person *Hugs if ok*

Let me go?

oh my goodness I miss about 36hours of when everyone was really struggling...and I generally felt ok so I may have been able to offer words of wisdom, but now I feel crappy so all I can offer is a group huggle
*GROUP HUGGLE* I don't even have the energy to go round to you all individually :(
*strokes puppy sinclair* I'll take you for walkies later, but right now my legs hurt even in the virtual world.

Actually...I don't think i'd offer you words of wisdom, not cos you're not worth it, all of you are worth so so much more than that. But it appears to be to some people that my words of wisdom are me being a puppeteer and controlling other peoples lives...or trying to. Well that has never been my intention, I've just wanted to advise, people don't have to take my advice, but then I worry if I'm too forceful, if they feel they have no choice.... sorry I'll stop rambling, I should make a journal or something rather than wasting precious space here.
Oh and my slimming tablets that I got excited about, I swear they're just making me feel even more hungry! :(

takes blankie and crys in the corner for hours hoping no one will notice. bangs head against wall and curls up under my blankie and falls asleep

*hugs borntobleed*
You okay hun?

I wish so much that I could just not be me. I wish I could kill the person I was last week and become somebody completely new.

cyrs vilontally. runs to a quiet roon and cuts repeatedly. (i am going to do that) then curls up and talks to the people in my head. need someone to help me

*hugs born*
do you want to talk about it hun? I'm around (sporadically as i'm at work but checking often)...

Damn it but I'm triggered.

:crying:

I wish I could be okay. Then everything would be okay.

But I can't. I can't even be okay for a few hours without wanting to die, binge, purge, cut, or starve.

I really need to get a grasp on reality.

hugs to everyone.

seems like everyone is really struggling today. add me to the list.

first thing this morning...4:30 got phone call that school was delayed 90 minutes bc of the ice and snow. good. i hate it there anyways. i like sleep. sleep is just about the only thing i do like. i like my bed. i am comfy there and only there. so...i am thinking that it would be good to have a few extra minutes in the morning.

then....bam. urge. i cut myself this morning. that's not normal for me. usually i have a night time urge and usually i will wait until night. cut in the morning? whatever.

now all i can think about is breaking my wrist. why?
i don't get it. i have tried in the past but always failed. will try not to fail this time.

*head desk*

*cuddles quiet1* I'm sorry you feel the way that you do... breaking your wrist wouldn't do any good, though, it would just hurt like hell and make doing stuff afterwards a pain in the bum. Waking up at 4:30 for a call like that would've been so annoying... yuck. But at least you got a little extra time in the morning. Is your cut bandaged up & taken care of properly? *more cuddles*

Really feel **** right now. Just want to b/p and get the urges GONE... although I know that that wouldn't really help. :(

thanks for the cuddles.
the cut is covered. managed not to SH any more since this morning.
i had a very draining therapy session and i am exhausted. i want to go to bed.

i just wanted to reply and say that i didn't try to break my wrist yet. i told my sponsor about it and she is concerned that my behavior is escalating. it usually does this time of year.

*cuddles everyone*
hope you have a good day.

*cuddles quiet1 more* Thanks for telling me/us... I was very concerned about you there. Do you know why your behavior escalates at this time of year? Also, was it a good therapy session? I ask because often the most draining ones can be the best - in a weird way - because they are the ones that make you think the most about your cognitions & behaviors and why you are acting the way you are.

How is everyone else? *cuddles for all*

Hey guys , I'm sorry you are all feeling so rough today :(
I just about managed to dragged myself out of bed today to answer the phone, it was my psychologist schecking appointment times . I saw her at 11 this morning , went ok , she is so insightful gives me a lot to think about , am kinda confused .
I am meeting my Psych Dr tommorow , I'm gonna want to know why my anti-depressants were increased without me being told , pissed off at that .

*Hugs all*

*cuddles up next to Mark* I'm sorry you're pissed off... that would piss me off too. :( Hopefully you'll get a good explanation.

I really, really want to purge right now. Just ate lunch. **** this, I hate it, don't know what to do... it's the same old same old and I can't open up to my family about it or they'd flip. :( I am so stuck!!! And I don't know if I'll be able to see my therapist on Friday because of this huge snowstorm that is supposed to be coming.

FML. :crying:

My boyfriend and i broke up last night... I may not be around for awhile. Just wanted to let you guys know in case i disappear for a bit.

*hugs everyone*

*huggles Laura* Are you sure disappearing from here is a good idea when in your newly single state? Whatever you feel is best for you tho sweetie.

*huggles everyone else* yikes, we're having a tough time of it aren't we?! Lets hope march is a better month, then we can think that hopefully its only a few more days of this **** to deal with.

My partner returns in just over 2 weeks, he's been gone 4 and we've only had a couple of texts in that time (he's in Kenya training with the army - he's a paratrooper)...anyhoo... The last time I cut or self injured (ie, hitting, etc) was on 3rd July 2009. Its been 'amazing' to everyone how well I've been doing. I've been so so tempted sometimes, but now people know, they kinda 'check' me, any bruise or cut I get, I get questioned over. Anyhoo, cutting stopped, my ED and smoking (a socially more acceptable form of self harm) got worse. I then gave up smoking (numerous complicated reasons) and got chubbier. Ewan went away just over 4 weeks ago, I start smoking again, up the laxatives, buy slimming tablets :( I'm now panicking about how I'm gonna cover my tracks when he gets back... then I think I want to cut, reduce anxiety, punish myself for what I've let happen, but then he'll see fresh marks on his return....argghhh!!!

Sorry guys to spill when everyone else is struggling, like I said before, not after advice or anything, if I was I'd start a thread. Guess I just needed to get the words out before I exploded.

*takes puppy sinclair for a calorie/anxiety/anger busting walk*