Want to/don't want to
 

I'm really struggling right now not to give in the self-harm again. I have been free from it for a little over 3 months and I really don't want to jeopardize everything that I've accomplished because of it. And yet I want to because I'm feeling very overwhelmed and extremely depressed. I just spoke with my therapist today and we discussed grounding and self-soothe and yet I just can't bring myself to do anything other than play games on my phone. It doesn't help that my shoulder is out of joint and so I can't do half the things that I would do with my dominant hand. I hope someone will respond to this because I don't even know if this forum slash website is the right fit for me because I haven't received any response in my bullying and abuse section. This whole Forum thing seems a bit overwhelming because there are so many posts that I wonder if anyone even pays attention to anything I write. So if someone reads this please give me some type of support and encouragement:-(

It can be really overwhelming posting here, I find it hard sometimes too. So well done!

I gave in after 3 months, it felt like my only option. But now I regret it. I think you would regret it too. Try to keep fighting, one moment at a time.

Sorry I have no proper advice.

I gave in. And I hate myself for it.

I'm really sorry you hurt yourself, but you don't have to hate yourself. Do you want to talk about it?

Because of my past and everything that's happened to me, I constantly have in my head the feeling that I deserve to be punished. I know we're only supposed to talk about self-harm on this forum and I also know that I am not the only person who self-harms stems from other topics discussed in other forums. As long as I was giving in to eating disorder behaviors , I seemed to be okay with not cutting. Now that I saw my eating disorder therapist for the first time and got some practical tools to help me with it, I felt completely out of control and needed to compensate in some way and I finally couldn't resist any longer. I feel awful about it and I will be discussing it with two Elders from my congregation to try to get some Comfort about it. I just constantly feel out of control and don't know what to do anymore. I'm waiting to get into a trauma Treatment Center which is the stem of everything and it's just really frustrating not to know when I'm going to be admitted. I've been waiting for 2 months since I was told I was accepted and I've been having Insurance craziness that has prevented me from going so far. I'm just such a mess and feel so blasted defective all the time. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of hurting.

I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment. Please don't be discouraged if it takes a while for people to reply, it's very quiet on here now.

I can understand turning to self harm when other things don't seem to be in your full control or are different to how you are used to them being. Well done for trying to tackle your eating disorder, that must be difficult so don't be hard on yourself for self harming. It's a lot to try to sort out everything at once.

Do you find it helpful to talk to the Elders? Who else is in your life? I'm sorry you're having to wait so long to be admitted to the trauma treatment centre, are there no options for trauma counselling in the community?

I hope you can find a safe way to work through things. Take care.

I see a trauma treatment therapist who specializes in trauma I mean. But there are no inpatient trauma treatment places in my area. And I have a wonderful support system who's willing to let me talk about it and it's also nice to have people who understand because they've been through it themselves. So I really appreciate the support here.

Losing it again. I was doing so much better and then the yard sale happened. I've lost all my friends from my childhood and actual adulthood as well. I sold a good majority of my stuffed animals which I considered my kids and it feels like I killed my friends. I feel so alone even though I am establishing new relationships now that are real people and not just my make-believe friends and it still hurts because they got me through so much. I feel like I have lost something that held me together for so many years. I really want to cut because I feel I deserve to be punished. I've already harming Myself by my eating disorder behaviors and I'm really just struggling not to give into other behaviors as well. I could really use a hug from someone even if it's just a virtual one. Desperately need support.

I don't have any good advice. But you get a big virtual hug from me.
*HUGGGG*

Thanks for the virtual hug. Ended up cutting again. Did it so I wouldn't try to kill myself. Just very overwhelmed

I have now cut four times in the past week. I'm disgusted with myself. And yet each time it was because I was so overwhelmed that I thought if I didn't cut I would end up killing myself. Really struggled with it again tonight and managed not to give in so far. Helped me when I decided to start painting. Calmed me down a bit. Still want to / don't want to

I'm sorry you've been so on edge that self harm has seemed to be like the only way to avoid attempting suicide. I can understand how it can feel like that, but I do think if you keep persevering with things like your painting then you could allow for the self harm urge to pass. I know that being in between wanting to self harm and not wanting to self harm can be a tough place and feel like you can't really win either way, but please keep trying to find safer ways to manage things.

I had given in at 2 months due to stress but we can get back on track. It is so difficult be we can pull throughost. We may struggle a lot and ask what the point is but the point is it that we are important to those around us and it may be so so hard but it's nothe over and we can only start again't. With the cliché it will get better it is true so stay strong.

I know this is a bit late of a reply, but i know how you feel as far as feeling that you need to punish yourself. That's why i hurt myself too. I hope that you have been able tto go to the inpatient care that you were trying to get into. I hope that your doing better. Im not sure why RYL isn't as busy of a place as it used to be years ago. Back then, you would have gotten several replies a day. I hope the Elders were able to help out. I know my religion helps withdealing with stuff.

Take care,

-brian