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-   -   It's too much (http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=259624)

Soft Kitty 06-01-2020 04:58 PM

It's too much
I don't feel safe at the moment. I need to ground myself but I've forgotten how. Parts inside are screaming and I don't understand why. I feel like the only thing that would help is to not be here any more. (Am safe in this moment).

one_step_closer 06-01-2020 05:33 PM

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. Please do your best to stay safe and if you find that you can't then make sure you reach out to someone. It might feel like not being here is the only way to help but I don't think that's true. You had therapy today, right? I know that can make things feel really unstable etc. Can you try to focus on all the things around you, to help with grounding? And maybe see if you can find a way to soothe the parts if possible? Maybe accepting that they are distressed would be a good start if you can do that. Do you have anything written down that would help you in this scenario? If not it might be good to create something when you're able.

Soft Kitty 06-01-2020 05:42 PM

Thank you so much <3 I really appreciate your reply. Just wanted to acknowledge that and will reply properly soon.

Soft Kitty 06-01-2020 06:08 PM

Thank you, I'm feeling calmer at the moment, just sick and scared. Accepting that they're distressed is a really good place to start, actually. I will try that, and try validating and reassuring them.

Therapy was difficult today. I thought I did okay, I was bumbling along okay after, and then seeing what I actually wrote for my therapist spun me out. But I have to remember that nobody's head fell off, that we're both okay.

I asked her if I felt like I was going to hurt myself if I could phone the crisis team and she said that seemed like a good idea. So I will try and remember that if I feel like I can't stop myself from doing so.

Oh, I think I might take some PRN and see how things are tomorrow.

Auror. 06-01-2020 10:55 PM

I'm glad you were able to see your therapist and that you are able to contact crisis team if you need.

Do you know what types of things normally help you with grounding? Maybe when you're (hopefully) feeling calmer you can make a list so that in times of distress it is already there to look at?

Soft Kitty 07-01-2020 09:11 AM

Thank you :) I'm not actually too sure what I find helpful. Some yoga poses can be quite helpful, and I like strong, nice-smelling things. It's a bit tricky I suppose because different parts seem to have different things they find helpful and unhelpful, which can lead to feeling either grounded or more distressed. I might make a master list of grounding techniques and hope a 'trial and error' type of approach will help, as I'm nowhere near self-aware enough to know what helps who yet.

one_step_closer 07-01-2020 12:48 PM

How are you feeling today? Making a general list of grounding techniques sounds like a good idea, as does reminding yourself that you can phone the crisis team and use PRN. How often do you have therapy? Do you have something that you do afterwards to try and deal with whatever has come up?

Soft Kitty 07-01-2020 02:00 PM

Thank you xx. I just feel low today. I've been engaging in unhelpful behaviours and I need to put a stop to it, really. I considered texting my CPN but I spoke to the crisis team last night and I know what I should be doing to help myself... but I'm struggling to? But that's kind of on me... It's very confusing!

I have therapy weekly so not too long to wait until the next session. I think I'll try and start a list of grounding techniques and maybe a list of distraction techniques today to see if anything helps.

My partner is usually off work on a Monday so he's usually around which is helpful. Sometimes I go for a coffee after, or do something with him to try and get my feet back on the ground. I admit I often end going to bed as I'm so tired. I thought I was doing okay after therapy yesterday until the evening when reminders hit. I'm not experiencing so many voices today so it's difficult to tell what's going on inside which is leaving me a bit adrift and ashamed of myself.

one_step_closer 07-01-2020 02:28 PM

It's ok to text your CPN even though you spoke to crisis last night. She probably knows you better and she's there to reinforce your coping strategies and reassure you when you need it. It can be such a struggle to do the safe things needed to help yourself, do you know what is stopping you?

Soft Kitty 07-01-2020 03:31 PM

Thank you.

Having tried to reflect on what's stopping me, as it's a very important question, I gained the understanding that there's a certain degree of exhaustion with trying to be the 'good patient'/good girl. Tired of keeping things together and painting things as 'okay' when clearly, at least in part, they're really not.

I'm hoping that if I can start to acknowledge that there's a really, really not okayness to things, even if I can't show the upset, things will settle a little.

I texted my CPN saying I don't need to her to call me but told her an abridged version of the above. Hoping she will understand.

one_step_closer 07-01-2020 04:31 PM

Well done for texting your CPN, I hope she will understand. Does she text you back when you say you don't need a call or is it enough for you to know she's seen your text?

It is exhausting trying to hold everything together and keep on a face. You don't have to keep everything inside here if it helps to get things out in typed words.

Soft Kitty 07-01-2020 05:27 PM

Hi Lindsay, she doesn't normally call me when I ask her not to but sometimes she does send a text acknowledgement. She hasn't yet, but I only text her a couple of hours before the end of work so not really expecting her to. Sometimes she does her admin. later on an evening. It would be nice if she text me back tomorrow but I also don't really mind either way. I told her I would contact her later in the week if things don't settle.

I appreciate you saying it's okay to be honest here. Sometimes I don't know how much I'm holding on to. It's like I've just become habituated to being 'easy' but I'm starting to finally listen to the rumbles underneath telling me that this isn't always a good approach. Sorry if that sounds weird, I've spent the last nine months trying to learn what feels like another language. It can still feel quite jarring sometimes.

one_step_closer 07-01-2020 06:31 PM

I'm glad you're able to contact your CPN when you need to and I hope you do contact her later on in the week even if it's just to check in.

I can understand what you mean. There is a place here for you to share things if you feel you can.

Soft Kitty 07-01-2020 06:43 PM

Thank you xx

one_step_closer 08-01-2020 10:44 AM

How are things today?

Soft Kitty 08-01-2020 12:46 PM

Thank you for asking. My CPN text back and confirmed that is okay to contact her during the week if I need to/decide to. I think that reassurance slightly helped this screaming part. I feel so torn sometimes between feeling I've said too much but also needing to acknowledge how things are.

I have yoga today which I'm very apprehensive about, but it'll be good to be in that environment again, to see people I care about and to have some routine back in my week.

There's a lot bubbling away at the moment.

one_step_closer 08-01-2020 12:54 PM

I'm glad your CPN text back and it was reassuring, I hope you can contact her if you feel you need it.

Good luck with yoga.

With things bubbling away, is it too much? If so is there a way to turn the heat down? (Silly comparison I know!). Or are there things you can tackle to take them out of the mix? Or even just accept the things that are going on until you can work through them? Be kind to yourself, you can get through this.

Soft Kitty 09-01-2020 02:35 PM

Sorry to not come back to this before. I was really tired last night and still quite tired and out of it today. I think I've managed to shut down the screaming part on the whole, it's not ideal but it's the safest thing to do for now.

I'm worried about how I'm going to cope at work tomorrow as I can sometimes find it unsettling. I will try and make a list of anchors and some physical grounding stuff. I need to try and remember not to be hard on myself if I get upset because that generally ramps up the panic.

I tend to experience 'too much' or 'not enough'. A bounce between hyper- and hypoarousal. I have quite a narrow window of tolerance before I either get distressed or numb out. I'm hoping that over time I'll be able to manage this better. I went for a walk today in the countryside. Just a little one, but it helps me ground myself and makes things quieter in my head.

one_step_closer 09-01-2020 02:41 PM

Would there be time for a break to take a walk at some point during work tomorrow? I hope you manage ok. Are there people at your work who know how things are for you?

Auror. 09-01-2020 06:22 PM

i know it might not be the same, but if being out in the open is comforting, could you take pictures next time you are out, pick up some of your favorite leaves or other items you like, or find a white noise channel that plays nature sounds, or get something scented similar to keep with you at work? maybe if nature is something that is comforting, there could be little ways to incorporate it into your day and into your work environment.

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