RYL Forums - Abuse? relationship with staff member?

Hi,

I don't really know how to start this but i don't know how move forward and get past this, it feels like it tourting me. I keep having memories come back and went to my GP a few weeks about not being able to move in the morning and have memories come back but said i didn#t want to talk about what memories they are.

I work in mental health but prior to this i was patient and spent time inpatient. While on the ward i spend a lot of time with a male member of staff on leaving i soon started working on wards near where i was patient. i offered the male member of staff what i had grown close during my time inpatient a lift home one evening due to it raining (going to call R as its easier). We swapped numbers and started to meet up on the second time meeting him since being a patient he suggested we went to the cinema and then back to him home, maybe i was naive and didnt know what he meant by going back to his home (he lived with his sister but she was at work). He started to touch and kiss me which led to other things, i froze but at points tried to suggest we went or do other things rather that that but he didnt listen.

I didnt want to seem like I didnt like him as friend and this went on for a while at which point i distance myself from him however a while later we got back in contact and it was more of the same, this happened for 2 years and i was 21 at the time it started. This year we got in contact again i thought that maybe i was being stupid before and agreed to meet with him, he now lived in his own flat, we did start to have a relationship but he started to be quite controlling, i then found out he had actually been dating someone for the last four years, this happened when i was at him and she knocked on the door, i left and tried to avoid contact with him but kept asking me to meet him to discussed things, i said i would meet in a place like a coffee however he did want this and said i would meet him at his flat to talk, on being at his flat i said i didnt want to be there and felt uncomfortable. to which point he, i dont even know how write this, but i guess made advances and i froze, he had his hand on my neck and i was scared to move, but i didnt say no.

I don't know how to move on this, he cant contact me any more and has no way of contacting me. I know its stupid but i still have feelings for him, I used to agree to meet him because he said he was struggling and spoke a lot about his own mental health and how he was struggling and lost his dad at quite a young age. I feel so confused and i was to move on but feel trapped and there is a part of him thats having quite dark thoughts, im 24 now and i shared a lot of stuff with him about my life and he was supportive.

When i had a care co coordinator i told her about him when we first started meeting but told her i would cut contact because she was going to raise a safeguarding form however knew i wouldn't cope with it due to feeling guilty so i told her i was not longer seeing him. Sorry if this has been disjointed my head is everyone i dont know how deal with this. I dunno if because im now away from him and he cant contact me the memories are coming back or whether im just being stupid and its nothing.