I'm sorry- been admitted post 39
 

I'm sorry if I die.
I'm sorry for what I have done
I just can't stop.
I'm afraid if I carry on this way I will kill myself.
Not on purpose.
I don't want to die.
But my behaviour and thoughts are life threatening and I can't stop.

So much is going on.
I can't even type it out incase it triggers me further and I continue self distructing


I'm embarrassed and selfish
I'm broken.

I'm scared to die.
I'm scared incase I don't stop till its over

Kate,
I know how difficult things are for you right now and how much you're struggling to get through this but you're doing so well. I'm so proud of you. You can do this and I know the urges to kill yourself are strong were all here behind you supporting you to get through this phase. I know you can do it.

You're not broken. Neither are you selfish or do you want to talk about what's going on?

A lot has happened and I self harmed for the first time in years.
It was so pathetic too.

I feel out of control.

I've over mediated because I'm stupid.
I just couldn't cope

Would you like to talk about what's going on for you right now? Thinking of you.

I slept a long time and still feel shit.

I just can't go into what's going on. It's all so pathetic.

I'm annoyed at what I've done.

I feel like I will never be well. Stress is too much for me. I want to hide away. Maybe it doesn't matter if I die

I've not told anyone about the self harm and I won't.
I'm too ashamed.

I don't have word for how I feel.
I feel I've failed

none of this should matter because it is pathetic but
- im being tested for breast cancer. tests start next Friday and im scared
- my brother might have to go to Syria with the army to fight. hes only 23.
- someone I know, whos only young, died last week.

and i feel overwhelmed with stress and worry and fear.

its all pathetic stuff because its all just what ifs.




i want to see my psychiatrist and see if he will put me back on quietapine or olanzapine and clonazepam. I know that he will chose olanzapine, if he lets me change my meds at all and it will make me gain weight but i need something sedating. i need something that will calm me down when im having a bad time.
I know he will go on about coping skills and self soothing and detress tolerance. but what happens when you already practice that stuff on a daily basis and you still end up self harming?
I want a med change. I think i need one to keep me safe but what if he says no because ive tried many meds before?
I know its not all about medication, but i need something to help. i cant do this alone. am i being unreasonable to ask?

I need some good prn i think.
I currently take premethrizine and valerian but that is just not doing the job anymore.


can i get some thoughts on this medication thing?

Im really stuck on how to cope. my mood has been on the low side for weeks now and the last few days have just been awful. last night was awful.


also my psych usually only sees people on a Thursday. how do I manage till Thursday with out extra meds? how do I manage if he decides i don't need extra meds?
things are getting a bit out of hand and i feel out of control. i feel like ive tried every thing distracting and it just winds me up more sometimes because it only postpones the inevitable.
I will keep myself busy but I need something to sedate me when i get distressed.

I just dunno what to do any more.

That sounds really difficult and hard to comprehend everything that's going on for you.

You haven't been on Valerian for long so let's see how that goes. Your psych is very reasonable and always has said your best combo was olanzapine and lithium so he may agree to change it. I think you got to keep going. A lot of things are happening for you right now but that's not to say you won't get through this. Keep fighting.

I think you just got to keep self soothing and distress tolerance as there's nothing more you can do other than that. Your in supported accommodation so maybe talking to them about what's going on and exploring things through when your in distress may help.

Also just a random thought. It's the RAF bombing Syria not the army. So he may not be called out. X

None of that is pathetic lovely. It's all massively stressful and I think you should be kinder to yourself.

I agree that none of what you're facing is pathetic, it's all a lot of very stressful events so I can understand how it would accumulate into feeling so overwhelmed and triggered. Be gentle with yourself. Sorry I don't have more words but please take care x

Nothing you're worrying about is pathetic. These are all very legit and massive stressors and it's understandable you're struggling with this right now.

HUGS.

xx

Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate it.


I'm really struggling tonight.

I don't have the words.

I really feel like oding is the best way forward. It will stop me feeling.

How am I suppose to sit with this?

I've made a gp appointment today and I see my cc at 4pm so hopefully a plan can be put in place. Hoping I can get something to sleep.
Hoping my cc can get me to see my psych soon.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of was suicide.
This is really taking it out of me

Good luck with your appointment today. I hope you get what you need from it. Please mention that thoughts of suicide have been creeping in, and whether you would want to act on these.

Let us know how it goes?

Hugs. Xx

I saw my cc and she has referred me to htt for an assessment made an appointment with my psych for tomorrow.

I feel hopeless though.

My cc said; we have tried meds that didn't work, we have tried therapy and hospital and that didn't work....

so I asked what will work and she couldn't answer.

I feel so unsafe. Ill just fucking end it because I cant be helped I will feel this shit forever and Im not interested in living.

I just have no options left anymore

ive taken my meds.
I want to take them all.
I dunno what to do :(