RYL Forums - Thoughts

It has been four years now since I ended a relationship with S (after which, I even dated someone else, M, a really good friend now, in fact) and I still have nagging, overwhelming thoughts about S. I don't feel genuine in my skin, and these thoughts have ruined my next relationship and my friendship with M. I feel like I can't care about M the same way I did about S, but I don't know what it feels like to care anymore. Its like my body and myself is telling me that I just don't care about M, and everytime we have a fight and M asks me if I really do care, I can't even say yes. What am I doing? M is still hurting, and he is still trying to be there for me, and all I can think about are thoughts that nag me about S, about the what if's, because according to one version of it in my head, that relationship really made me "feel". I don't tryst myself with it, I don't trust myself with the anxiety of it around me. I ended up digging a hole to the post by asking S questions, and reopening old thoughts and S told me he's not over me, and now the "what if's" don't stop. And it's like my entire time in between with M vanished. How can that happen? How can I just care that less? I don't understand how much of this is anxiety, and how much of this is emotion. This is a bit of a ramble, but yeah, pretty much. Sorry