Was it assault/abuse?
 

This is something I've never really talked about. And never in detail.

I seem to have one memory of it happening but I don't remember when exactly. I remember it was in our first house which we moved out of when I was 10/11 so it was before then. The person was 3 years older than me.

Anyway. I remember they would come into my room quite frequently and as far as I can remember, it was just sharing the bed. I have a memory of wanting them to leave and getting pretty upset/angry about it but can't remember why which leads me to think it was perhaps more than once? The situation I'm talking about involved them asking if they could touch me. Then pretty much pleading before I "gave in" (I don't like that term but I can't think of another word). I don't recall ever touching them. I also don't recall it going any further than that.

Fast forward a few years and there were a lot of situations where I'd wake up and the person would be standing in my room. Or I'd notice them slowly opening the door (like they didn't want me to notice). I'd ask why and the reply would be "I don't know". I would get extremely upset by this but the reply would always be the same. This has made me really paranoid. If I knew they were around, I would stare at my door for any signs of movement. I'd have trouble sleeping as well. I often get flashbacks or wake up panicking from a nightmare.

I can't trust that nothing happened when I was asleep and I can't trust that it didn't happen more than once when I was a child because I can't remember.

Hey ashee, it sounds really confusing and distressing to not know exactly what happened. From what you have described and the fear you recall feeling it does sound as though something very not OK was going on.

How are these memories impacting on your life currently? Do you still have any contact with the person in question?

Part of me wants to know exactly because it's distressing not knowing. But part of me worries that if anything else happened and I found out, I'd feel worse than I currently do.

I get a lot of flashbacks, nightmares etc. I've relapsed with self-harm and I'm on medication for depression and anxiety. I occasionally have contact with the person but I make sure I'm never alone and I avoid them as much as possible

I can appreciate the part of you that wants to know what happened, but I guess there isn't really a way of finding out for sure, and as you've said, there's also the risk of more information causing further distress.

Sorry to hear that you've relapsed with self harm. Have you ever had counselling specifically related to abuse/trauma? Perhaps that would be something worth exploring.

I'm glad you're able to keep yourself safe from this person and are avoiding him as much as possible. Has he ever acknowledged anything that happened?

Yeah I’m gonna have to learn to deal with not knowing. Even if he said anything, I couldn’t trust that.

I’m seeing a counsellor at the moment but not specific to abuse/trauma although she did mention an organisation which deals with abuse/trauma and I’ve been thinking about contacting them.

He’s never acknowledged it. Even when I confronted him about coming into my room, he said he didn’t know why he did it and he’d just repeat that no matter how angry I got. I’m not sure if he remembers what happened years ago because he would’ve been around 12 give or take. I’ve never confronted him about that.

That sounds really frustrating to not be able to get any answers from him.

I think it would be a good idea to contact the organisation that your counsellor suggested. Have you got any reservations about doing so?

I guess just because they focus on abuse/trauma and I know how difficult I’ve found it is to talk about. And I want to know if it’s long-term support because counselling at the moment is 6 weeks which I don’t think is long enough. They’ve given me an email to contact so I’m thinking about asking if it’s long term then go from there.

That sounds like a plan! Hopefully because of the nature of the service they will appreciate that 6 weeks isn't long enough and be able to offer something a little more long-term. I also imagine that they will be used to people finding it difficult to talk about abuse and would be patient and encouraging.

Good luck, I hope you do manage to send the email and they have a positive response.