Christmas and Other Woes
 

I feel weird about posting. I hope I am being coherent.

I have PTSD, mainly from traumatic loss. Christmas is really hard. A few months ago I relapsed(ED - definitely related to my PTSD & feeling out of control) and I've been feeling more and more far away from reality and from the people close to me.

My main method of coping is routine/keeping busy. I'm autistic and I find great comfort in that. But Christmas will really disrupt my routine (on top of already being a very stressful time) - I'm off work, most of my partners and friends are with their families and will be away, except for people I don't see that often. I feel far away and lonely. I miss my family (I grew up with my mum and grandma and they're both dead; I have two other family members but we've never really been close).

I've been feeling kind of suicidal...constantly, for months. But I wouldn't act on it because I don't want to hurt people, especially my long-term partner, P. But my feelings are intensifying, I don't really see the point in living, and I'm getting urges to self harm in a bad, lasting way. It feels like cutting isn't "enough". There are a lot of things contributing to these bad feelings. I just can't stop thinking about it. I need to hurt myself badly.

I can relate to routines being important and also being upset because your routines are disrupted around holidays. It is something I am worried about too.

Are there any tiny parts of your routine you can still incorporate into your days right now to try to help? Is there anyone you can go to for support or to just let know that feelings are getting more intense?

I don't know. I'm struggling to see things clearly. Work and seeing my partners are the main parts of my routine. Everything else revolves around that. So I'll be getting ready for work, then at work, then back from work, then either see partners or have a free window.

In my free windows I clean or I read or I'm on the internet. I have a feeling the next two weeks are just going to be that. And it's not distracting enough from the urges.

I tried to talk about it, and I had a meltdown in front of everyone at a party this weekend so everyone knows I'm unwell. But I'm always a bit unwell and I think they all feel bad for me but can't do much to help.

P said they "can't not go home for Xmas". I don't want people to not be with their families! I just wish I could have gone home when my gran was alive.

I'm not doing too well.

P was really distant (?) and they are going away for Xmas.

I am so strongly aware of the fact that I can't ever be okay, I will always be ill and P is directly affected by this just like everyone was before they died or left. They're better off without me. I know this and it hurts so much. The others aren't like this.

I bought X(thing for SH). I know it's bad but it's all I can think about in the midst of losing everything I love and never being enough. It better than the alternative which I can't quantify/predict properly. I can't stop crying.

It sounds so painful and difficult at the moment for you.

Are you able to go to P place for Christmas? That way you won’t be alone? Or even when they all get back afterwards you could make a Christmas meal and you can try to make your own traditions and family.

I’m sorry you’re not coping well at the moment. Do you have anywhere to go for some support?

P has a difficult family situation so I can't go with them. They are back just before New Year's but havent really said when they'll see me. Instead they said if their other partner(we're polyamorous) doesn't have anyone to spend New Year's with, they'll be spending it together.

Tbh I think P knows I'm just not worth it & they don't really want to spend time with me after all.

I have another partner who is staying in town over Xmas. I am trying to plan things with him & some friends. But I'm not that close to any of them so I'm anxious/finding it difficult to gather the energy to be around them? I feel bad, they're all lovely people, I just am so ill so it's hard to be around people I'm not entirely used to/comfortable with?

I wish I knew what to say. I have read and I care. Being around strange humans is really difficult.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Do you have to spend a lot of time with your partner's friends or can you try and spend more time with him and then a bit of time by yourself? It's ok to take breaks from socialising if you need to. I don't think it sounds like P thinks you're not worth it from what you've said about their reasons for not being able to spend time with you over this period. You sound so low and judging of yourself, you don't deserve to be treated negatively by yourself or by other people. How have you been managing to fill your time when you've been on your own? You can get through this time.

Thank you *virtual hugs*

Lindsay, thank you.

I was going to spend time separately with partner(M), and also with some friends. I saw M on Saturday and we made plans for Friday. It feels far away.

It's hard to believe P would think I'm worth it. They have said that I am, but it must be difficult to be my partner, always ill...They have been making plans with other people a lot more than they have with me, over the past few months. They said that's not because they don't want to see me, but it can't be true.

When on my own, maybe I'll read...drink...listen to music. I've always been ill when I on my own. And now I feel more alone than usual.

Thinking of you lovely.

I can understand your thoughts about P but it's probably you judging yourself more than what is actually happening. You are not just your illness, despite how much time and energy illness takes up in your life and the lives of the people who care about you. I'm sorry you're feeling more alone than usual, are you focusing on Christmas and how people tend to have a lot more company over that period than usual? You're not totally alone, try not to put pressure on yourself to treat Christmas as a special and different time if it makes things worse for you. People will be about here if it helps to chat. Maybe you could even go for a walk and be around people if any places are open, if that's not too much for you. I hope you can find ways to feel ok.

*hugs*

Thank you Lindsay <3

It's hard to separate myself from my illness.

Re: feeling more alone, it's partly the fact that everyone is with family/friends and I am alone, but also the fact that my routine is disturbed and most of the people I'm close to are away. Keeping busy is how I keep the Bad Stuff away and I can't really do much now.

P, K, and M are my partners - during a normal week I'd go to work, and after work I'd see P once or twice, K once or twice, and some weeks I'd hang out with M too. I also spend time with K's flatmate, a close friend. K & flatmate live right by me so I often go there if I'm unwell.

Chatting with people on RYL does help :) I have been feeling better since I started posting more. I went on a nice walk with a friend last year. Might try to do that again.

It must be hard to go from all that contact in a week to such a reduction. I can understand your worries about being on your own. I hope you do manage to go for a walk with your friend. Do you have a list of things that you can try to keep yourself busy with?

It's difficult. I don't cope well with change.

It doesn't feel like Xmas Eve. I was walking through town earlier and it felt just like any other day. I feel disconnected from reality.

I've got a lot of cleaning to do. I haven't been able to do too much at once so I'm going through it all bit by bit. I've got some reading I've planned to do but I'm struggling to focus.

I think sometimes heightened periods of time (e.g the Christmas season) can cause a feeling of disconnection, if that makes any sense. Doing your cleaning bit by bit sounds like a good plan. Is an audiobook an option if you can't focus on reading?

That does make sense!

Last month I had a meltdown which resulted in a concussion, and I needed to keep myself distracted while badly photosensitive. So I listened to a podfic - like an audiobook version of fanfiction. I don't know if I can find the books/fics I want to read in that format but I might try.

My dad rang me and it wasn't good. He was being stressful and gaslighty and ableist. I'm tired. P joked on social media about looking for a new place to live just to get a pet and I'm afraid they really mean it. They've mentioned moving to another city before. They did not come and visit me ONCE when I lived there. But now they met people who aren't as shit as me and suddenly they want to.move there.

I'm sorry you're so concerned about how you perceive P feels about you. Have you asked directly? I hope you can stay distracted today and have a peaceful time. Do you think you'll get out for that walk with your friend?

I haven't asked about the moving thing. It's like, when they meet a now person, they become really focused on them. And that's okay. But it hurts that they weren't so focused on me when they met me. It makes me think that, with time, I will become less and less. They say I am very important.

I tried to talk to them about seemingly not wanting to spend time with me but they keep saying it's not true. I've been struggling to believe it because their actions tend to be incongruous with what they say.

I am calm so far. I think my friend is busy today but we may go for a walk another day. I'm going to have a video call with my other partner, K.