I did this
 

I really hate having this on the internet, but at the same time I need support.
My stepdad did various sexual things with me most times when he was drunk. I was young, and I would dread nights when my mom worked but he didn't, when there was a chance he would stumble in. He doesn't remember any of it. I can't tell him, or else my mom would kick him out and he'd probably kill himself from the guilt.

Along with this, and after he stopped drinking, I had to wake him up on nights that he works my mom's not in the house. I had a high libido and would sometimes get him aroused from using him sexually. He would complain when he woke up that a dream made him sore, so I started releasing him. I liked it every time I did it, bit felt terrible afterwards. I knew he would get in trouble, not me, if it was brought to the police.

It used to be that him in bed, grunting and murmuring and squeezing, was the thing that made me scared. But now I associate him, fully awake and sober and loving, with that sack of guilt. I flinch when he reaches towards me, I recoil from his breath, and he doesn't know why. Just today I had a dream that I was waking him up and he shouted at me to open my legs (that never happened). He thinks I'm being weird and doesn't know what's wrong. I refuse to tell him. I gave myself this fear and hate, and I have to remove it.

How can I reconcile with him in my mind? How do I keep living with him without being afraid? And is this all my fault for continuing with this and using him?

I would bet my pension that your step father knows exactly what he has done. Alcohol doesn't cause that kind of consistent total memory block, and for him to have done that to you when drunk, there is an underlying sick perversion that he will know himself is there. Howold are you my darling? Also I'm not clear exactly what you've done to him?

Please write back,

F xx

I don't want to publicly put out what I've done, might send you a pm.

He can only vaguely remember things because he would have so much at a time; he's not an alcoholic, he kind of binge drinks. He probably thinks it was all a dream.

I'm just about 15, I was 10(?) the first time. I just know that if I didn't love, pity, and depend on him so much I could get him in jail for a good while, and that if I had been age and he knew he could have done the same.

I'm just trying to deal with the post-trauma of it. Do you know any methods? I thought talking about it fairly anonymously would be good, but I'm open to pretty much anything short of telling him.

My darling, these boards are very anonymous so you can reveal substantial bits of information and I assure I wouldn't be able to know from that who and where you are. As for the feelings of guilt and other issues that stop you reporting, please be aware these are very typical feelings that you may come to kick yourself for I. The future, I don't know if this is asking to much but I urge you to rise above your feelings here, he did something seriously wrong to you at an age where you were so vulnerable and moldable, and evidently it has had a lasting effEct. This shouldn't have happened to you, but now we need to think practically ttowards getting to a point in your own life where you can live with yourself and the actions you've taken. if you care for him, it is because of what he did to you rather than because of any favorable characteristics he has a person. A good man does not do these things to a ten year old child. Do pm me I've had a drink now so probably not making much sensicle, but we can't approach this in the right and proper way that brings the best possible outcomes for all involved in whay is otherwise a ****ing **** situation.

Best wishes

F xx

You didn't do this and it wasn't your fault.
I know you don't believe that but that is the honest truth.
You were a child but also I don't even think that matters because at the end of the day he is your stepfather and and so that makes him wrong in every way.
You didn't instigate this and even if you had it wouldn't be your fault because he is the one who is supposed to be responsible and protect his stepchild.
I know this is so confusing and you feel like because you continued that you are somehow guilty but you are not this isn't on you.
I know you said he doesn't remember but if he doesn't that would be because he doesn't want to face what he did because he was so wrong,I tend to think he probably does remember though.
Are you seeing a counsellor at all? I would strongly suggest you do to help you deal with these confusing feelings.
Are you safe now?
Please try to keep strong and remember its not your fault.