public apology
 

I want to apologise for my rather public flashback and dissociation a bit earlier.

Its just that my illness grabs me from behind when I am triggered in certain ways [its a lot to do with the whole idea of power/power over/powerlessness, to do with abuse and trauma in my past].

I get .. dislocated in time and space when it happens.

I am extra sensitive right now because-

• I have PMT/S - I verge on losing touch with [present] reality the week before. That is right now.
• My flatmates are coming back tonight. It'll be great to see them, but I am losing freedoms I have had the past couple of months, and that's hard. Not sure how I'll cope with that.
• I had a bit too much sun when out on the meet yesterday - I get sensitive and depressed feelings the next day when I've had a lot of sun. Not sure why.
• Its the Easter therapy break. Just over a week down, and several days to go until I start back. [on Wednesday 11th April].
• Am still feeling a bit sensitive after yesterday's meet. The meet was great, but I tend to feel rather ... exposed. For someone with my history of long term severe bullying, that is only natural. Especially as the supporter folks I met are mainly at the age I was when the worst of the bulling took place. Subtle, the way things work with your subconscious.

I may have come across as ' attacking' in my posts earlier, I didn't mean it to be that way. I was feeling unsafe [due mainly to combo of causes listed above] and my internal protector came to the front. I hope she hasn't destroyed anything for me here at RYL.

I have just had a good cry [and I haven't been abke to cry for some time] so that's helped.

I just needed to explain. And say I'm sorry.

I do understand that the past isn't happening now, but for the Other Me, the past is still ocurring. Its a constant work in progress to move forward and away from the Other Me.

*Cuddles you*.There's no need to apologise; I really hope you're okay now. xx

Katie, I know you wouldn't intentionally do anything to hurt anyone, and while I've no idea what went on earlier, I'm sure people will understand that.

I can empathise with the subconscious still being upset by the bullying- I only have to hear teenage girls laughter and I still feel anxious and panicky many years after the event.

And I hear you on the PMT thing too, it's horrible the way that messes with your head. *offers you some of the green and blacks choccy I'm eating right now, and some huggles*

I hope you're ok hun, we're here for you if you need to talk. xxx

"I get .. dislocated in time and space when it happens."
That sounds a bit like you're in Dr Who's TARDIS, which makes you incredibly cool. (I know you're not really in a TARDIS, and the reality sucks muchly, but I have Dr Who on the brain.)

As paperdreams (Nat?) said, you don't need to apologise, just take care of yourself :) x

Katie you have nothing to be sorry for - just take care of you and we are here should you need anything.

I didn't even know anything had happened. *huggles you*.

I don't know what happened but I hope you're feeling better now. Take care you xx

I don't think I know what happened but I am sure you have nothing to apologise sweetie, I'm here if you need to talk, pm me sweetie, I do mean it.

No need :)

*huggles*

(see we do need hugs in general forums now!)

Harley

Thank you.
I'm a bit better now.
My flatmates haven't returned yet, so I am sneaking online now just to check in. [and chack my pm's on v2 for supporter stuff]

Amy, its a bit like a Tardis. A time machine. But it only goes backwards to the bad stuff. And tangles up past and present. So I get confused and can't make an informed or neutral decision.

I've talked in therapy about having internal Daleks. [I was terrified of Dr. Who/the daleks as a child, I would hide behind the sofa. honest.]

And gratefully accepts chocolate. I've eaten nearly a whole big bar of M and S Fairtrade chocolate with almonds this afternoon!

And thanks Harley. Just seen your post just now. :)

Awh, Katie *big cuddles*

As everyone else has said, there's really no need to apologise - we all know that you're a lovely, kind and caring person.

I hope you're feeling a little better now, sweeetheart. I'm always here if you need. x

Thank you Kaya. *feels all extra warm and safe inside now*

Yes! Hugs in GC!

*huggles katherine*
I missed this but, seriously hun theres no need to apoligise.
It was also awesome to meet you on Friday. *nods*
Take care and i hope your soon feeling better!

*hugs*

I hope all is well now. I know how flashbacks are.

Katie, you are awesome. *cuddles you a lot*
There's no need to apologise; but I hope you're feeling better.
Much, Much Love.

Take care of yourself, we're all here for you. xxx

Thanks everyone.

:)

*More cuddles*

Take care of you.