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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

Soft Kitty 02-08-2019 07:15 PM

That must be really hard to feel that they don't take your concerns about your neighbours seriously. It must be a frightening thing to be so worried about people's welfare, and exhausting, especially when you're having to deal with so much yourself.

I'm sorry the CPN wasn't helpful but super glad your CPN will hopefully be coming back soon. It is frustrating that they didn't communicate to you if there was a change of plan re: hospital, though it's possible the CPN isn't really aware of the current situation himself.

Do you know when your next face-to-face contact is? Maybe they could find out what the plan is? How are you feeling at the moment?

one_step_closer 03-08-2019 12:06 PM


It just kind of makes me feel worthless since no one seems to be bothering about finding a bed or communicating with me about what is going on. It's like, because my CPN isn't around I've been pushed to the side. Everyone will be talking about me anyway and saying how ridiculous I am and how I don't need a bed and stuff. I probably don't need a bed. There is no kind of support that is going to make anything feel better, it's all about putting up with this pain. It's not just my pain though, if it was just my pain I could deal with it but I will never be ok unless my brother is ok.

I'm seeing my support worker on Monday but don't feel comfortable talking to her.

I'm really struggling with something the men are telling me to do. I am fighting it and managing for now but I don't think people understand how big a fight it is. They just see that I'm not doing anything hugely self destructive so think I'm fine.

Soft Kitty 04-08-2019 07:24 PM

It is a huge fight to try and ignore destructive command experiences. You're very, very brave to do so. I wish I could find more words or a way to help you feel some hope. I can only reiterate that I believe there is hope, as long as you're alive.

Is there any way you could seek therapy treatment privately, whether through a voluntary organisation or finding someone you could afford to pay for? Is that something you would consider or feel might be helpful in some way? I do think that if it was, it might be worth discussing with your CPN when she returns, to see what age thinks.

I can really understand why you feel like people aren't bothered because of not communicating with you. It's not okay in the slightest, though I think it's often because of disorganisation within teams than about not caring - and I definitely don't think people will think bad things about you for needing a bed - more likely that they will be frustrated with the lack of resources available to them and you.

Did the CPN on Friday leave you with an idea about going forward? (No pressure to answer these questions, there's a lot of them). Are they going to see you before your CPN comes back?

one_step_closer 05-08-2019 04:01 PM

Thank you.

I'm not brave, I'm more like a wimp for not just getting on with self destructive things. I really want to be able to be more self destructive but I'm just rubbish at everything. I saw my support worker today and she concluded that 'everything is alright.' This is mainly because I didn't self harm over the weekend. She didn't want me to talk about how I'm feeling and stuff once she had confirmed that I'm not a danger to myself right at this moment. I really just wish my CPN would come back soon. I'm going to have to forget about hospital as an option anyway since it's been nearly a month and 2 weeks I've been waiting and I'm doing fine at home. I'm doing fine because I am useless at hurting myself. My inner pain can't be understood by anyone.

I'm not sure about therapy. I have seen 4 psychologists and numerous other therapists and nothing seems to have helped. It seems pretty pointless. I did email a counselling service who are there for people who are suicidal or who have lost a loved one to suicide but that was over 2 weeks ago and they haven't replied. I did say in the email that I don't expect them to be able to help anyway, I just don't know what to do and my CPN had given me their contact info and encouraged me to get in touch with them. It's not me who needs therapy and help, it's my brother. I wish he wasn't suffering.

My support worker today said they don't know when my CPN will be back. The CPN I saw on Friday has no time to see me this week and I'm seeing the psychiatrist next Monday so the CPN said he will make an appointment with me after that if my own CPN isn't back.

It's stupid but I really want my ability to do risky things back. I'm too quiet. It's not to communicate with others although they do understand that communication better than words sometimes, I just want to express self destruction through self destruction.

The receptionists at the health centre know me and say hi and use my name. It made me feel very upset today that I am a perceivable being, a disgusting human who shouldn't exist. I don't want to be a thing. I don't want to exist. Then I think about all the staff in the health centre doing proper skilled jobs and that makes me feel like crying because people are just amazing.

I'm stuck inside myself. I have no words or actions or anything to communicate how hugely painful everything is, how desperate I am.

Main point: I hate me and I want to cause myself some good physical damage.

one_step_closer 06-08-2019 02:22 PM

I have to die. I can't do this. Why do I exist? I don't want life.

This is absolutely chronic.

Soft Kitty 06-08-2019 03:08 PM

We don't think you're disgusting at all. You're very valued here, and help a lot of people. I wish you could extend that same compassion to yourself, but I understand the struggle.

one_step_closer 06-08-2019 03:22 PM

Thank you.

It's just like there is a category of 'people' (worthwhile, deserve good things, etc) and then >>>>>>>>>>>>>> 'me'. I am really physically ugly and awkward too. I despise myself.

My support worker phoned to arrange our next appointment and initially said they don't know IF my CPN will be back. I think she then changed the if to when but now I'm really worried that she's not going to come back to work. I am desperately lost without her support.

Also, I've been thinking a bit about things like my toe walking, passing a hearing test but not being able to make out words a lot of the time, and Asperger type things. I want things to be put in a box that I can understand but I'm really anxious about bringing anything up in case people think I'm trying to say that I have Aspergers when I don't and that I'm making a big deal out of small things. I considered filling in a form to see if I could talk to my GP but I feel physically panicky. I could possibly talk to my CPN but I'm afraid she'll then be like 'you are fine, why are you trying to act not fine' and then will hate me. I thought about writing something to explain things but then that's it in concrete form that will be kept in my notes and read by whoever wants to read it and they will laugh at me.

All in all I wish I would kill myself. Life is way too much and I don't even want to learn to deal with it. I wish I would at least do some good self harm. This is too emotionally painful day after day. Hopeless.

Soft Kitty 06-08-2019 03:46 PM

What would it be like to tell yourself nice things? I don't mean you have to believe them, just in a kind of 'fake it till you make it' kind of way? That's something I'm going to be trying to practice re: self-compassion. It's uncomfortable, I know.

I think talking to your CPN about the possibility of ASD would be a very good idea. Even if it turns out not to be the case, there might be some things that help women with ASD which might help you? You could write something and say you're not happy to hand it across for your notes, that you want to keep it. Have you read much about the differences in women with Asperger's compared with men? It might be worth doing. Just thinking off the top of my head. It might be worth sharing some of that info with your GP/CPN as well because it's so much less-known than the presentation in men.

I really hope your CPN does come back. Maybe that's something to clarify with another CPN.

one_step_closer 06-08-2019 06:36 PM

Thank you.

I have tried saying kind things to myself but I end up putting myself down straight away and spouting off further insults etc. I have been looking in a mirror before and calling myself names and thinking, this isn't what people are supposed to do. It's like a habit really, I'm always saying horrible things about myself in my head and out loud in reaction to everything and nothing. I'd be interested to know what percentage of the day I spend putting myself down, I know it wouldn't be much since a day is a long time but I think it would be significant. I'm full of hate for myself and I don't think it's right for that to change, I don't think I even want it to change.

I hope you can manage to be more compassionate towards yourself.

I've read a bit about ASD in women but I'm never really sure if I fit the criteria. I am very, very sarcastic but I do also fixate on literal meanings of things and dictionary definitions of things people say to me even though I know people don't always mean the exact dictionary definition. I can also empathise with people ok and force conversation. The whole social focus of the traits makes me think I wouldn't get a diagnosis but there are loads of the not so specified things that make me wonder. The toe walking thing makes me wonder too because that is supposed to be related to ASD and I think having good hearing but not being able to make out words can sometimes be a processing disorder thing. Then again I might just walk on my tiptoes out of habit and not being able to make out words might just be anxiety or whatever. I'm even not sure about my anxious movements because although I call them anxious movements I do them a lot of the time even when I'm not anxious in response to any kind of upset or discomfort. I don't know. It's probably not even that important.

The next appointment I have is with my psychiatrist on Monday so I will see if he knows anything about what's happening with my CPN.

one_step_closer 06-08-2019 06:42 PM

When I left the house to get my prescription this morning my neighbours were going out their drive in their car. I saw them passing on the main road when they were coming back and I waved but they didn't wave. The guy was in his garden when I was putting things in the outside bins and his wife came out to tell him she was making lunch but neither of them spoke to me. I am very worried. If they are trying to get me to phone the police or someone to help them and I'm not doing it then that's terrible. If I ask them directly they will of course deny that they are being manipulated to pretend they're ok. But maybe I could pay attention to their facial expressions and body language to see if I spot anything. I don't want to go and knock on their door though. I'll have to be brave and ask when they are in their garden.

Eska 07-08-2019 12:42 PM

Could your anxious movements be what other people sometimes refer to as stimiming? Just a thought. It might be worth mentioning ASD to your psychiatrist when you see him, just so it's on his radar as a thing to maybe consider.

one_step_closer 07-08-2019 02:43 PM

Yeah, I was thinking stimming but I really feel awkward and anxious about mentioning it in case people think I'm trying to fit myself into a category. A while ago a nurse wrote in my notes that she thought I could be autistic because of my rubbish eye contact and rocking etc but my psychiatrist at the time said definitely not. Another nurse has also mentioned ASD to me, but no one who has been involved in my treatment long term.

Pomegranate 07-08-2019 07:05 PM

There is a specific questionnaire used to decide whether to send someone for full ASD screening (which can be long and usually also involves getting developmental history). Not sure if it’s online, it’s called the AQ. If you wanted to pursue it further it might be worth having a look and maybe completing it to take to your dr if you’re worried about asking him to refer you for assessment x

one_step_closer 08-08-2019 10:36 AM

Thanks. I just did the test online and it said I scored 30 out of 50 and scores in the 26-32 range indicate some autistic traits (Aspergers). I'm not even sure what I want to do with this. I'm not sure if a diagnosis is important. It just makes me feel 'weird' to have things/symptoms that I can't put under a specific label.

one_step_closer 08-08-2019 04:41 PM

I'm stuck in life. Trapped. Let me out. I can't deal with life. This is absolutely terrifying.

My neighbour came out to speak to me when she heard me bringing my bin in after it was emptied. I said I was worried about her and her husband and stuff and she dismissed it so quickly that it confirmed my suspicions. She went on to talk about other things. I forgot to pay proper attention to her body language. I'm such an idiot.

A guy I know from school Fb messages me multiple times a day and always ends up turning everything into something about sex. I've told him multiple times I don't want to talk about stuff like that and that I'm not meeting up with him but he keeps on messaging. As soon as I get up in the morning I hear the notification that I've got a message and I hate it. I wish he'd leave me alone. If I don't reply he keeps going on and on. I don't even want to talk to him about anything at all. I hate having pressure to reply to messages and that pressure is on multiple times a day. I should be a proper adult.

I keep thinking in the evening that I really need to overdose but then through the day I'm like, this isn't a great idea. Then it gets to the evening again and I hate myself for not doing it during the day. I don't have enough of what I need to overdose on and I keep telling myself not to get any more so that I don't feel panicky and pressured to overdose because it's there. But I am sick of myself and I need to protect people. I want to go back to when it was easy to self harm and overdose and do risky things.

I need self harm to help me through. I want self harm. I want to completely destroy myself.

I need my CPN, too. I hope she isn't going to disappear.

one_step_closer 08-08-2019 06:47 PM

So, I again tried to tell the guy that I don't do sex talk. In response he asked me an even more intimate sex question. So I did some self harming because I can't take this!

I don't want all the challenges of life. I need to die. Please let me die!

one_step_closer 08-08-2019 06:53 PM

Seriously, I wish someone would tell me how to succeed at suicide.

Hate myself!

Pomegranate 08-08-2019 06:53 PM

That is not acceptable for the guy to be doing. Can you block him? He is not your friend if he is not accepting your boundaries or considering your feelings.

Re the AQ, that does sound like the right test. I scored 27. Most people I know who have taken it are under 20 mark. Having said that, it’s a guide for professionals to decide whether a full screening would be beneficial. Maybe discuss it with your CPN when she’s back?

How’s the self harm? Is it clean etc?

I can understand the thoughts re needing to self harm/OD and for that harm to be ‘worse’ or ‘good enough’. Even though rationally you know there will never be a ‘good enough’, it’s hard to keep that in mind when the feelings are so intense.

one_step_closer 08-08-2019 07:02 PM

I don't like making people feel bad or whatever. I already feel sorry for him because he does actually like me but I'm never going to have a relationship with him and I don't even meet up with him when he asks. So it's kind of sad that he feels that way but gets nothing from it.

I will try and discuss the AQ results with my CPN, if she ever comes back there will probably be more important stuff to discuss first though.

Yeah the self harm is completely pathetic very minor damage. I even just want it to be like I used to be able to do it. I am putting people in danger because I can't/don't damage myself enough. I really should OD, that might be easier. I'm just a selfish bitch and always make excuses not to OD.

Soft Kitty 11-08-2019 10:03 AM

How are you doing at the moment?

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