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Sketchy 25-07-2017 09:55 PM

Remember hospital is an option and your doctor has said so too. Keep talking to your team. They are there to support you through this and keep you safe. Are you safe just now? I promise it will get better, but maybe you need help to get you through this.

Could you ask for more time with your psychologist? Or ask to speak to someone else. Perhaps it's worth talking about it with your cpn.

one_step_closer 25-07-2017 10:24 PM

I'm going to try and mention to my brother tomorrow when we meet up that hospital is being talked about as a planned admission to prevent a crisis admission, that way he hopefully won't be too worried if I do have to be admitted for a little while. Although I think he will worry that it will turn into a longer admission. I was talking to my psychologist about how I don't know when I should go into hospital because I have only ever ended up in hospital after I have hurt myself or came close to it. He said maybe now's the right time to go in. I don't know how to say to someone that I'm willing to try it because it doesn't seem as simple as just asking if I can be admitted, there must be some catch. Surely I'll be told that I've kept myself safe and they'll think I just want to be admitted because I enjoy it or something. I know lots of people have suggested hospital but after that I've always been safe. I don't really know what to do. I'd have to get the lady from the cattery to pick up my cats too and I don't know when she'd be able to do that so I may not be able to be admitted on a day when there is a bed for me and when I get the cats sorted the bed may no longer be available. Everything is such a hassle. Nothing is going to change for the better anyway, things hurt too much.

It was agreed when I came out of hospital in May that I'd only have a set number of sessions left with my psychologist and I don't think that's going to change. He said I can be re referred after three months have passed.

Sorry, this has been a long post.

Juella 25-07-2017 11:05 PM

That's a good idea to talk to your brother. I think if he'll understand that you aren't admitted because you're in a crisis, he wouldn't worry too much.
I really don't think anyone would think you want to be admitted because you enjoy it. Of course, they prioritize people that are unsafe, but you don't have to be in a crisis to ask for an admission!

one_step_closer 26-07-2017 05:48 PM

I met with my support worker in the afternoon to go for a walk and mentioned that I was thinking of taking up the hospital offer. Although she has only met me twice she said she doesn't think I need to be in hospital and that I am the same as when we last met, which isn't true. I was supposed to phone the extended hours team but she said she would speak to them for me and get someone to talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow. She phoned later on saying someone from the extended hours team will phone me tomorrow. She'll have said something to make them think I'm ok and just trying to get attention or something. She told me I don't have problems talking on the phone because I called her back when she left a message. She was very dismissive of everything I was saying. I said I'd try and stay safe tonight (the crisis team are going to visit me) but I only said I would do that because I was holding on to see what my psychiatrist says but maybe no one is planning on talking to him now that the support worker has spoken to the extended hours team. She asked me if I overdose as a cry for help which upset me because she just wasn't getting it.

I've arranged for my cats to go to the cattery tonight in case I'm admitted tomorrow because the lady can't pick them up tomorrow but I'm doubtful that I will be admitted. I've given everything my best shot, played by their rules by saying I feel unsafe rather than just letting everything get so bad that I attempt suicide or something. My support worker may have now made things so I won't get the help that was planned.

Sketchy 26-07-2017 07:14 PM

I'm sorry your support worker was dismissive. That must have been upsetting and not at all helpful.

Could you phone out of ours or crisis yourself? Or even phone your psychiatrist?

one_step_closer 26-07-2017 07:37 PM

I really, really worry about people judging me negatively and I fear she may have poisoned people against me, and people already have negative and wrong views about me just because I have BPD. I can't take back whatever she has said to the extended hours team, they will be likely to take her opinion over mine. I'm sick of trying to live through all of this pain though so maybe it's better I don't end up in hospital. A short admission probably won't be useful anyway. I spoke to my brother a little, didn't tell him how I'm feeling but said that a planned admission may be on the cards, he was worried that I won't be admitted and something bad will happen to me and the police will phone him (he has been phoned by the police twice when I have been unsafe or missing from hospital). I don't want to put him through this, I can't keep living this way so I need to die.

Sketchy 26-07-2017 07:58 PM

Lovely keep fighting because we need you here! I'm so sorry you are feeling this bad.

Could you phone someone and tell them what you have said here? Hers is just one opinion. There are other people who can help you. Could you maybe spend some time with your brother? Would that keep you safe?

one_step_closer 26-07-2017 08:07 PM

Thank you.

The crisis team are going to phone me at 9 (not the CMHT crisis team). They were supposed to be coming to see me at 8 but the cattery lady is coming between 8 and half 8 so I phoned them to let them know and I spoke to them briefly. I didn't really mention my worries about not going into hospital just that I don't know what's for the best. I was advised that whatever their decision they have my best interests at heart but I honestly don't think that everyone does. There is such a stigma surrounding BPD and I can't shake it off, I was treated so much better before this diagnosis when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Now I'm constantly being thrown the attention seeking card and people expect me to be a really angry and manipulative person when in reality I am not. One of the traits of BPD I don't have is problems with anger but people assume that everyone with BPD is the same.

My brother lives about an hours train journey away and he's out tonight anyway. I just don't want to keep feeling so bad and not seeing any way that things can get better.

Sketchy 26-07-2017 08:12 PM

The stigma is completely unfair. I'm sorry you have been treated this way. You are not attention seeking. You are unwell, in distress and needing help. It's very ok to ask for that help.

Tell the crisis team everything you have told us. I hope they are helpful.

one_step_closer 26-07-2017 08:50 PM

The crisis team came and visited me because someone who knows me well was on and she was worried. She said that if I don't get admitted to hospital tomorrow I should ask the CMHT to phone her boss and ask if I can have face to face support from the crisis team for a while because it's more helpful than phone calls. She said that she knows my support worker and that she's a very cautious person which made me feel worse because of the fact that my support worker says I don't need to be in hospital so that must mean that I'm lying about how much I'm struggling. People think I'm ok because I still make it to some appointments and I pick up my prescription daily. I don't know how safe I'll be if I'm not admitted to hospital but I will end up being fine and then if I need an admission in the future they'll say I was fine this time so will be ok again. I really need safety and support right now not judgement.

Sketchy 26-07-2017 08:58 PM

That's good the crisis team came to see you. It sounds like they are concerned for you. I doubt they are judging you. Keep talking to them. Maybe being admitted to hospital wouldn't be a bad thing. It was suggested by your doctor, so it's always an option.

I wish I had helpful words, but I am thinking of you. I appreciate how difficult this all is and I hope you get the support you need.

one_step_closer 26-07-2017 09:39 PM

Thanks. My psychiatrist is fairly new, he started when I was in hospital and I have seen him about 3 times. He may be easily influenced by people who he thinks know me better than he does. I'm actually guessing that the CMHT extended hours team won't even talk to my psychiatrist they'll just make the decision themselves and will decide not to admit me. I want to try it because I'm really struggling almost every minute I'm on my own and there is no one I can stay with who I would be comfortable talking to if I got to a crisis point. My life is set to be a continuous struggle and although I may be strong enough to withstand the pain I don't want to have to feel it.

Sketchy 26-07-2017 09:42 PM

I understand. I hope you get the help you need.

When are you next seeing crisis? Is someone talking to you tomorrow?

one_step_closer 26-07-2017 09:51 PM

If I'm not admitted to hospital tomorrow I'll be getting either a phone call or a visit from the crisis team in the evening.

Sketchy 26-07-2017 10:03 PM

It's good to know you have support in place. I hope you get all the help you need in getting through this. Keep posting here too.

one_step_closer 26-07-2017 10:57 PM

I feel like tonight is going to be a really long night and this time tomorrow I will be stuck at home in the same situation. I'll need to try and get up earlier tomorrow because the CMHT are phoning between 11 and 12 and I'm usually in bed at that time. I'm clinging on to the hope that I'll be admitted to hospital and the short time will help but I think I'm kidding myself. Nothing is helping and it never will.

Juella 27-07-2017 03:33 AM

How are you doing? How was your night?
I know nothing is helpful at the moment and I'm sorry, but that doesn't mean that nothing can ever help. There's got to be a way to make you feel better and if you keep trying, you will find something that helps, I promise. Don't give up, please!

Sketchy 27-07-2017 10:44 AM

I hope today goes well and you get the help you need. Keep talking to your team and tell them what you have told us.

one_step_closer 27-07-2017 11:36 AM

Thank you both. The person who phoned from the extended hours team used to work on the ward so she knows me and is going to talk to my psychiatrist and if he agrees and there is a bed I will be admitted for 3 days. That doesn't seem like enough but I'm willing to give it a try. I really hope there is a bed. Just waiting on a phone call back. I might not be able to get on here while I am in hospital as I don't have a tablet just my phone and it's hard to get on RYL on my phone. Please keep your fingers crossed that they have a bed for me.

one_step_closer 27-07-2017 12:09 PM

There isn't a bed in my usual ward so they are looking for one somewhere else. Don't know if I will actually be admitted if the bed is way out of my area.

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