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one_step_closer 23-03-2020 08:16 PM

I just feel hugely emotionally awful and I want to end my life for good. It's so strong. I'm sick of this battle. I have a cat on my lap right now though and I likely won't go out at this time of the night but I am hurting so much. I've just been struck by the biggest suicidal wave.

tamobhuuta 23-03-2020 09:05 PM

Suicidal thoughts, feelings and urges are temporary. Don't base your life on them. You are a wonderful human being who deserves help.

one_step_closer 24-03-2020 09:34 AM

Thank you.

I'm still feeling awful. My CPN said I could phone her any time but I don't even know if she's working in the office or from home. Plus I wouldn't phone her anyway, she is phoning tomorrow. What is she even going to do? I need a person though.

All the noises of today are louder and they morph into something scary. I'm really freaked out. Looks like I'll have to use white noise today. I'm hoping the GP surgery approves me getting more of my medication at once so I don't have to keep going out daily to the chemist.

I wish I could do some good self harm at least.

Soft Kitty 24-03-2020 03:41 PM

Does the white noise help you to feel calmer? I hope you get hold of the appropriate prescription, the pharmacies are a bit of a nightmare at the moment, daily scripts must feel very difficult.

Is your CPN good on the phone? It might be worth clarifying crisis options for reassurance when you speak. Especially important since you've recently been in hospital. It might feel better to know the boundaries of what's available and if you can still call when your CPN is working from home.

Be gentle with yourself.

one_step_closer 24-03-2020 08:31 PM

The white noise helps a bit but I can't use it much because of my tinnitus. My pharmacy is all masked up and it's 2 customers in at a time, it's scary.

My CPN is fine on the phone just not me really. I've tried to write some prompts for tomorrow. If I needed crisis support I'd have to phone Duty or the informal crisis team if either of them were still within working hours and they can only do phone support. My CPN is going to be off for 4 days starting from Thursday I think so I'll have to wait a while before she can phone me again. My key worker isn't allowing me to just have email contact with her, she wants me to talk to her on the phone and this is all so stressful. I am grateful for the contact but she has access to her email and I wish she would tailor things individually.

I'm really, really not coping. I'm very suicidal and also lonely. I feel like my MH problems are getting worse and there's nothing that can be done. I want to self harm but don't go ahead with it. I have some extra meds because I have been cutting down the X but I'm worried that if I took them I might need to go to hospital and I can't be doing that. I took a PRN dose last night and I didn't even have a good sleep. This is torture. I'm sick of having to deal with my mental health problems and then all this virus stuff on top of them makes them ??? I don't know what the word is because things were hanging on unbearable before. I think I should just kill myself. This is not a life, not ever, not even if we beat this virus and get back to normality.

one_step_closer 28-03-2020 09:37 AM

My CPN said she would phone me today even though she's off but I said not to bother because it's her holiday time. I wish I had allowed her to phone now. I'm worried because someone on Fb sent me a message supposedly from and NHS worker saying the virus is peaking from today. I read on a news page it's supposed to peak next weekend and I'm not sure if I can get my prescription changed to monthly before then. Especially since I again messaged the surgery and said I'd rather stay on daily dispense for as long as possible. Idiot.

I'm dreading every day. I hate waking up and realising it's time to get up. I stick to what I said before. Things are much worse than hanging on unbearable, this is not a life, not ever, not even if we beat this virus and get back to normality.

one_step_closer 28-03-2020 05:38 PM

Sorry for triple posting. I'm really cracking up right now. I've tried white noise and my soothing boxes. I've done some head banging and took an extra med which I won't always have access to because it's just because I'm reducing one of my meds with my CPN's guidance but it's not official so I have the extra ones I don't take. She did say I could use them as PRN though. It usually works in hospital but I don't know if it will work at home because in hospital I've had a good chat/cry beforehand. I wish I could easily kill myself.

Pi.R^2 29-03-2020 04:10 PM

Did the PRN help at all last night? I hope you a more peaceful night in the end.

Would you mind talking me through a typical day for you at the moment? I still might not be any use, but I hope that I might have some suggestions if I understand better how you're structuring your day and what the trigger points are.

When is you next (phone) contact with your CPN? It seems really annoying that you're not allowed to email your key worker- I hope that there's a good reason that you just don't know about, rather than her just being difficult!

one_step_closer 29-03-2020 06:11 PM

To be honest I think the head banging works better than anything. I'm not sure if the PRN helped, I'm on and off agitated through most of the day and keep considering suicide. This is a hard fight.

I do the usual morning routine, then go online for a bit until the chemist opens. I go for my meds (except on a Sunday), maybe go to the post office or a local shop and then that's the only time I'm/we are allowed out so I've got the whole day ahead to feel trapped. I'm usually out at least twice a day, once involving going on a bus journey so this is a huge change. I alternate between reading, housework, internetting, some other little activities if I can make up my mind what to do and stick with it. I find it hard to start things and then I don't want to do them and I start making stupid noises and slapping my head and that can lead to full on agitation/distress/suicidal urges. I'm not good with keeping everything in a strict routine, I prefer having a to do list and ticking the things off through the day. Once it gets to night/darkness I lack focus even more and get more distressed. I have a glitter lamp that I use which can be helpful but other 'safe' things I have to use for soothing etc just seem to make me more irritated and agitated now. Head banging gives brief relief, sometimes the relief lasts for long enough to help me to settle down.

My CPN is phoning me tomorrow. I don't see the point of my key worker phoning because she refuses to give emotional support and only talks about practical things. I almost got away with not having phone calls from her, I think, because she said if I could phone crisis when I need them then maybe she could stop the calls but the answer to that is I can't call them so structured calls might be better. I really only get something from my CPN though. Although the last phone call lasted ages with her looking up coronavirus stats and I just wanted to ask to end the call but waited for her to end it.

one_step_closer 30-03-2020 10:58 AM

I'm not sure I want to do much more of this. Getting distressed and agitated more and more frequently. I just want to hide inside sleep but I WILL NOT mess up my sleep routine.

one_step_closer 31-03-2020 02:48 PM

From R/V if anyone has any input.

Quote:

Originally Posted by one_step_closer (Post 4266093)
Is it possible for my brain to explode? I am totally cracking up and there is nothing I can do about it. I need a face to face person. I need good self harm. I should kill myself. I need to go out but I've already been out once, the men are being loud about going out again because something other worldly is going on. I am so alone. I am lucky that J CPN is phoning me regularly but I'm rubbish on the phone. I can't get it across that I am on the edge.

And I can't stop the days from coming over and over again. The same days. I want to be unconscious.

Quote:

Originally Posted by one_step_closer (Post 4266113)
CPN was supposed to phone at 12. At 1pm someone left a message saying she won't be calling because she's off this week. She's not off this week. Now I am very worried.

They said I could call Duty or my support worker but that will probably be a nope.

Quote:

Originally Posted by one_step_closer (Post 4266123)
GP won't let me pick up my meds less frequently, she's sticking to daily dispense.

How is that going to help me/other people not get this virus?

Quote:

Originally Posted by one_step_closer (Post 4266151)
I was almost crying before my CPN phoned. And then she didn't phone. The tinnitus in my left ear has an additional sound and sometimes people follow me around the house. I'm scared and on my own.


Soft Kitty 31-03-2020 03:06 PM

That must have felt very upsetting about your CPN even though phone calls are difficult? What sorts of worries are you having about her being away? Maybe we can help you with those thoughts?

It's understandable that your fears about otherworldly things are worse at the moment. I appreciate that they were like that before. Do you notice that these things are more difficult under increased stress? Things are very uncertain and very different in the world, which I imagine is having an impact even though you struggle each and every day.

Did you mention that one of your medications is being decreased? Perhaps, when your CPN's back or you're next able to speak to somebody, it's worth revisiting this and whether now is the right time for a decrease given how treatment will have changed. Not that I want to argue against you and your team in any way - more that it might be something to consider together, if you feel things are worse with a decreased dose.

one_step_closer 31-03-2020 04:08 PM

Thank you. I'm worried that my CPN or someone in her family might have the virus. She has a lot of underlying health issues. I'm worried she's going to die. She had put plans in place to phone me for weeks in advance so this 'time off' has come out of the blue. I don't know if there are any rituals or things I can do to please the men to protect her. If she dies it's likely my fault.

Things are definitely worse the more stressed I am. The way the world is right now and having to be stuck inside alone is not helpful. Lots of people are in that situation though.

I've been on the reduced dose of the med for a while now. I'm allowed 2 doses a day and I take one in the evening because that's when I get most distressed, and one at night to try and help me sleep. It's Lorazepam so I don't think anyone would want to increase it. They're probably not entirely happy that I'm still on it right now.

My psychiatrist keeps mentioning Quetiapine, I don't know if he'd like to try me on it. I've been on it before and can't remember much except it made me hallucinate at night time at first. Depots have been best for me mentally but bad physically so I can't go on them. I can't have a discussion about meds until everything is back to normal anyway. If it ever gets back to normal. Maybe my psychiatrist will die too. My area has the second highest death rates from the virus in Scotland. My brothers area has the highest in Scotland. Everything is just awful. I'm scared and I want to see my CPN. My key worker will phone me on Thursday but she only provides practical advice.

If I was better at self destruction I would kill myself right now.

Soft Kitty 31-03-2020 04:24 PM

It's totally understandable that you're worried about your CPN. I don't know if it helps to remember that even with lots of underlying health issues, the vast majority of people who get coronavirus recover well. A lot of people who self-isolate have very mild symptoms or it turns out that just have a cold. That said, I really empathise with how anxious you're feeling about that and I know I'd be feeling the same.

Have you come across 'magical thinking'? It's something I have experienced a lot, and it sounds similar to what you experience with the rituals and men. It's very, very difficult to not have any control and I'm not surprised this is more challenging at the moment so be gentle with yourself. I've probably asked you this a bunch, but have you ever had CBT?

That makes sense about the lorazepam. I wish I could suggest something. Is it possible you could have a phone appointment with your GP to see if there's anything you can take medication-wise until you're able to speak to a psychiatrist? There must be a way to speak to your psychiatrist... maybe once your CPN's back she could get in touch with your psychiatrist, or maybe if you're feeling really brave you can ring the office and ask to speak to someone in the meantime?

I know the phone is super scary for you but it seems like it might help if you could talk through some of these terribly painful thoughts with a professional.

I'm sorry you're feeling so suicidal as well. I just wanted to acknowledge how distressing that is for you. I so want to be able to suggest something helpful but I'm feeling a bit stuck so I am sitting with you and take you seriously.

one_step_closer 31-03-2020 05:59 PM

Thanks again.

My first psychologist mentioned magical thinking, and I have done CBT before but I think that was before I was fully aware of the men. I'm not allowed to be involved with psychology at the moment. I'm not really willing to challenge my thoughts about the men myself, or with anyone else really.

I could have had a telephone appointment with my psychiatrist a couple of weeks back as I was due a face to face appointment but I said no because I hate phone calls and my CPN just passed stuff onto him and he was fine with what we were doing with reducing the Lorazepam. I think my CPN said the psychiatrists are doing respiratory work in the hospitals now. The Duty CPNs are still working and the involuntary crisis team but I don't feel able to phone anyone. I do wish I could talk to a professional though. I wish I wasn't so anxious about phoning. It seems like a general thing that fills my whole body with fear.

When I went to the chemist today a man who had joined the queue outside after me went in before me. When I went in after him he realised and was very apologetic. I bet he isn't thinking about it any more but I'm really upset and worried that I caused him upset by thinking he had done something wrong. I am so negatively affected by tiny things. I'm sorry. I'll hold on to this one for a while.

Soft Kitty 01-04-2020 01:24 PM

How are you getting on today? <3

Pi.R^2 01-04-2020 09:29 PM

^ditto!

So here's a random bunch of ideas based on what you've said. I'm sure lots will be no good, but maybe there will be something that could help.
- would adding in a little daily walk help give you something else to do? That's allowed because it's exercise, and I know it's really helping me

- could you have a maybe to do list as well, where the rule is that you give them a go if you feel like it, but they don't have to be achieved so you're 'allowed' to stop halfway through and put it to one side?

- do you think having some more ideas for 'little activities' to go on the maybe to do list would help?

- have you ever tried postcrossing? Wondered if that might be something you'd enjoy as I've seen you mention penpals before I think

- if you're struggling to make up your mind on what to do would it help talking it through with someone? Low key text conversation giving a mundane commentary on your day can be nice to ease the isolation I'm finding!

- Is there anyone in your life you would feel comfortable video-chatting with to give some face to face contact?

- have you tried 'rationalising' your worries? Like, with the man in the chemist yesterday. You could write down your instinctive feelings: "he might be upset because of me" and then force yourself to write down a certain number of challenges to this (five?). You did one already- he probably isn't thinking about it anymore and then you can add things like "I didn't do anything wrong by also being in the queue", "it's not my fault he didn't spot me", "he's probably a bit more preoccupied with other things right now" and "the fact that he felt a bit bad for a moment is actually a positive really because it validates the fact that I am human being as well who is worthy of care"

one_step_closer 02-04-2020 03:14 PM

Thank you both.

I'm really not doing great and opted out of my phone call with my key worker today, she just offers practical support anyway. I wish I was better on the phone. I hope my CPN is back at work next week. I went to Tesco and was really anxious and almost crying seeing everyone having to queue up outside and all the markers to keep us at a distance from each other. I'm not engaging in the gym group WhatsApp either, direct communication is quite hard. I am alone.

Are you allowed out more than once? I usually get everything done in the morning and can imagine my neighbours or the police seeing me out again and getting onto me.

I do have a to do list every day which I mostly get done. It helps to know the things I have to do, since I have at least one main thing I need to get done each day, and it also includes things like do some reading.

I've not tried post crossing. I'm still writing to pen pals and making little things for them when I don't have letters to reply to. I have been taking on some new pen pals too.

I only really text my brother and it's hard to have any kind of conversation with him, a bit of my general can't have a conversation with anyone and a bit of my usual not confiding in him. I understand that you mean a general chat though.

I am terrified of video calls.

I don't know if I would allow myself to rationalise my worries. I feel like I deserve all the self torture I can provide.

This whole thing is a nightmare. For now I really just want to talk to my CPN.

Auror. 02-04-2020 06:15 PM

I think you can go out more than once! I know it differs country to country, but I have to do multiple essential things daily right now at different times of day. What I've been doing is writing something out on paper saying who I am and where I am going and why to keep with me in case I get stopped and cannot talk or panic.

My case manager human also said if I get questioned, to give out their phone number and they can vouch for me and help. It might be worth asking if you can do similar with your mental health services.

Pi.R^2 02-04-2020 06:24 PM

Sorry you're not doing great and I hope your CPN is back next week too! She sounds like a good egg.

I did some googling and it seems that going out to exercise is only advised once a day, but I didn't see anything that said your shopping and exercise had to be done in the same trip. Also I think all of these restrictions and guidelines have to be balanced with well-being. Also2, as far as I can tell, even exercising twice a day is only advised against, not illegal, so it's not a police matter.

Just out of my own curiosity, where do you find your penpals? Do feel free to have a poke around postcrossing. I haven't done it for a while now because life got busy but it was a nice low-intensity social contact, as you just send and receive one-off snippets from around the world rather than a sustained exchange from one person.

See, that surprises me, because from what I've seen on here, you seem pretty good at light social chatting!

Why do you think that you deserve the 'all the self torture' you can provide? Even outside of the fact that I don't believe anyone deserves to torture themselves, what good could that possibly do?

It is an absolute nightmare and I'm just hoping life will be easier for all of us soon. But what people have learned from this mess is that we have to put our differences aside and look after each other. For lots of people who tend to make enemies of others, that's not bickering with their partner or letting go old disputes with neighbours, but I can't imagine someone as kind and good-natured as you has many external enemies so for you I think it means trying to make peace with yourself.

As ever, lots of ramble, good luck trying to find something useful in what I've said :P


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