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Things have gone dreadfully wrong.
I'm unsure where to start, I hate admitting it but things are sliding pretty damn fast.
I've been weight restored for years now... but I've always been purging - at times, on and off - walking this tightrope between wellness and sickness but always pulling myself back before I fall off. My CMHT have been pushing the ED services to discharge me since my weight is stable. Today I was honest about how bad things have gotten, but I feel like a fraud again, because I feel a bit like I'm still on the tightrope, I haven't quite fallen flat on my face, not just yet. So I've been purging on and off for years but keeping my weight steady. I've never worried about it, I just accepted that this is how it is, this is my recovery and that's that. But I guess that's the way it all sneaks in. Well, it's hurting now. It's all the time, I'm being an absolute bitch to my partner who has taken to following me to the bathroom, I've taken to just purging anywhere I can because this thing in my head doesn't give 2 sh*ts. And it's... embarrassing. It's terribly shameful & he doesn't understand because he's been with me 2 years and I've never really told him I still purge on the 'odd' occasion. But now I'm shopping every day again and I'm bingeing every day again and everything is hurting and I don't wanna get sick again, I really really don't, I wanna stay on that tightrope. I don't wanna have fallen off. So he threated to call my CPN if I didn't tell her today when she came round. She organised a meeting with the ED team and my doctor. And I'm scared. I'm scared my purging won't be taken seriously. I'm scared it will. And that'll mean I'm sick again. I'm scared I'm messing everything up all over again. |
I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t going brilliantly. Well done for admitting that it’s sneaking back; that’s a big deal and I desperately hope that the ED team will take you seriously and offer you some help. Yes, maybe you’re still clinging onto the tightrope a bit and it’s not as bad as it could be, but now is the right time to fix it and get back on track. You can do this. Look at what you managed to recover from before; you have the strength and courage required to do this. However, I can’t even imagine how hard that was, so try to use that as motivation to accept help and work hard now so that at least there’s slightly less ground to cover. It still won’t be easy but it will be so much more difficult if you let this spiral further out of control.
Are you able to be honest with your partner and let him help you make the right choices? Maybe he could look after your money (only if you’d be comfortable with that of course) so that there’s a time delay on the urge to BP as you’d have to talk to him first before making the decision to go shopping. Sorry if any of this is unhelpful/silly. I know we haven’t spoken much but I’ve seen your threads on here over time and I 100% believe that you can stop this now before it goes any further :) |
I just wanted to say that I remember you, and that just because things might not be okay for the moment, it doesn't mean that they have to be like they were when they were bad before. Even if behavior wise things aren't great, it's also worth reminding yourself of what is different now, and what you've learned and how you have changed. <3
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I also remember you. Hi. :)
I understand that fear of being taken seriously and not taken seriously all together. It's tough I know. |
Just sending some love, lovely soul. It's Beth btw x
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