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MammaMia 25-03-2010 12:33 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Congratulations Kahlia x

PoisonedApple 25-03-2010 12:41 AM

How are you today Helen? :)

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 01:50 AM

*throws some confetti around for kahlia*

*cuddles april, mark, helen, and crimson*

*sigh* there has to be something better than this... right?

MammaMia 25-03-2010 02:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by angelic_monster (Post 2202128)
How are you today Helen? :)

Struggling, worried, yet kinda ok? How are you?

Laura, big cuddles hun. Want to talk about it?

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 02:34 AM

*hugs helen*

I dont know... im just tired of waiting for things to look up and im tired of where i am at. I wish i was someone else. Which is probably the reason why i want to move somewhere far away for graduate school after next year. I want to just erase me and start over.

I doubt that would even work tho... i mean, its not like i could move and then all my problems would go away... and i really dont think u can erase anxiety issues... but it really feels like that is what i need to do. Go somewhere where nobody knows me.

Right now i just feel like at any moment, everything is going to just come bursting out of me... and i dont think itll be good if that happens. I'm scared of it.

I'm sorry, this is ranting and not making much sense probably.

MammaMia 25-03-2010 02:38 AM

It makes sense, just wish I could have some supportive words that'd help right now & I don't...*big squishy hugs*

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 02:46 AM

its ok helen, dont worry about it.. i'll be fine, i always am... thanks for the hugs *cuddles*

hope you are alright.

MammaMia 25-03-2010 02:50 AM

Don't believe you, hope you will be alright though *cuddles*

Far from ok, but I'm fine :D

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 02:54 AM

lol the whole fine but not fine thing... sounds like we have that in common right now... it sucks kinda.

Hang in there. *squishes*

MammaMia 25-03-2010 02:56 AM

Mmm. I kow what you mean,.
*cuddles(

Kahlia1981 25-03-2010 05:51 AM

*huggles everyone*

Thanks Crimson, Helen & Laura - I really feel like celebrating. We have a good friend coming over sometime this afternoon for a movie night and I'm tempted to suggest we either get a Black Forest cake (all three of us like them) or something like that. lol

*hugs Crimson* - How are you?

*hugs Hels* - What's happening hun? I noticed in your reply to Crimson that you said you were "Struggling, worried, yet kinda ok". Is there anything I/we can do to help?

*hugs Laura_Star* - Sorry for butting in, but anxiety doesn't tend to go away with a change of location. I can understand the feeling of just wanting to get away to a place where no-one knows you so you can re-invent yourself. .. Just checking, is that kind of what you meant? It's what I understood from what you wrote but I just want to double check that I didn't misread it. And that feeling that everything is going to burst out of you can kind of be a double-edged sword - like you are scared it is going to happen so you try and bottle everything up tightly, which makes it more likely to burst out. Sorry hun, I'm just trying to explain what I've learnt not put you down in any way, so please forgive me if it comes across that way. Please just be careful, and make sure to take good care of yourself. *hugs you tightly*

*hugs April, Mark, Hayley and everyone else* - How have things been going with all of you?

*hugs everyone, leaves a plate of Kit-Kats on the table and slips into a dark corner for a power nap*

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 06:26 AM

*hugs kahlia* dont worry I dont think you are putting me down or anything. And yes, the whole reinventing myself is exactly what i mean (even though i know it probably wouldn't work...) And that is kinda what i meant about the whole bursting feeling. I am trying to hold things in... i always have. But I feel like I am having trouble holding them in right now. Which is super scary for me b/c then people would know all about me.. And idk, i dont want to be seen as weak or stupid... which maybe I am... but.. oh i dont know. I'm sorry for talking about all this.

And you should celebrate! 19 months is fantastic! Have fun!

*cuddles everyone*

Kahlia1981 25-03-2010 06:31 AM

*hugs Laura_Star* - Sorry I'm stuck in that habit. Cool. I just wanted to make sure that I was reading and interpreting what I had read close to what I thought. I can really understand where you are coming from hun. It really does seem like an easy option sometimes - actually both the holding things in and the reinventing. It's okay to talk about it hun. This is a safe forum for just that reason, sometimes we have to talk about this sort of stuff. Thanks hun. I am totally celebrating today/tonight. :D

*huggles everyone*

Scarletdreamer 25-03-2010 11:08 AM

Hi everyone... wow, losts of posts since I've been out & about!! :P

*does a happy dance with Kahlia* Congratulations, love!! That's awesome. :D I would be so so happy if I were you, so do definitely celebrate and let us know how you enjoyed it. :) *hugs*

*cuddles LauraStar* Awh, yeh, I wish I could erase me and reinvent myself starting somewhere else too... but Kahlia - and you - are right, it doesn't work that way... *sigh* ...it would be so much nicer if it did, wouldn't it? What's been going on lately that causes you to want to reinvent yourself? anxiety been awful? *more cuddles*

*squishes Helen* The F.I.N.E. thing, I take it? :P what's up, love?

*cuddles Mark* Awh, I'm sorry that you gave in to the urges but at least you went to bed early and hopefully didn't get up to SI after that. :( But try not to feel bad, it's just slip ups... you can regain your footing... however, I do know how "slippery the slope is" ... so be careful. *squishes* I'm here if you need to talk. Anytime - and the same goes for the rest of you. :)

I'm exhausted. I just got up like 20 minutes ago (around 5:45am) but I really could use a nap right now... I have tutoring this morning then classes this afternoon... grrrr... don't want to do any of it!! But I did manage to get the extension on the exam so that's a relief... :) ...it was originally due today but when I told the prof about how bad my anxiety has been lately, he was very understanding and said to take as long as I needed to get it done. WHEW!!!!

Anyway.

I am getting closer and closer to the edge... :(

Doikers 25-03-2010 11:29 AM

*hugs Kahlia* 19 months is an awesome acheivment , Well done :-)

*Hugs for everyone else to* , sorry for lack of individual replies I just don't have the energy atm .

I have to leave the flat to get milk and then for a nurses appointment later which I am dreading , not dreading the appointment just the walking across town part to get to her, she listens and has good advice I am hopeing she will say something that will fix me although I know that it's not that simple and won't happen I can hope right?

April*Hugs to you* It goes both ways you know you can talk to me anytime too .
I am all too aware how slippery the slope I'm standing on is :(

I've had enough of THIS.........enough of feeling the need to harm ugh.......enough of being flat .

Scarletdreamer 25-03-2010 11:59 AM

I've had enough too, Mark... but I don't know how to stop it. I really, really want to SI right now... I'm home and won't be going anyplace for awhile, still in my jammies, but, oh, ARGHH!!!!!! :crying: I hate my life so much. Nothing ever seems to work out and right now... well, I need to put that in my r/v thread. Again. It helps sometimes... I don't know... I feel so pointless, worthless, useless, unloveable. :(

I feel like a slob. I haven't even done my hair yet today. :( Not even brushed it out from the braid I put it in at night. Not gotten dressed either - am in my pink flannel Eeyore pants that say "whatever" on them and a striped Aeropostale longsleeve shirt. And my feet are cold. I just want to go back to bed but I don't want to if our landlord will be coming back to finish up our ceiling...

:crying: Sorry, that was so disjointed & such a mess...

Doikers 25-03-2010 12:44 PM

Quote:

I feel so pointless, worthless, useless, unloveable.
April you are NONE of those things , you just can't see it as you are in such a shitty place but it will get better for you , for all of us , we just have to hold on and yes thats hard but we can do it , we are a tough bunch *Hugs*
Oh and don't worry about what you landlord thinks about what you look like it's not his buisness to judge you . As for your cold feet try these * Hands April super warming socks*

I Read your rant-vent thread , please be safe mate *Extra Hugs*

one_step_closer 25-03-2010 12:55 PM

I wish that I would just die. Life is too much for me and I want nothing from it.

MammaMia 25-03-2010 02:09 PM

*cuddles to all*

I'm really struggling. Just didn't realise how much?? I think just because I had a couple good days, it wiped out all the bad ones before that from memory, if that makes sense. Yet I remember other people (well my best friends) not being okay. But keep trying to block out me not being ok. If that even makes sense? All came to a head on Tuesday night, well Wednesday morning. Was talking to one of my best friends for over 3 hours about how I'm spiralling downwards & so fast, apprantly my best friends are trying to catch me but I'm going too fast & they're worried. They must be right, they are the people who know me the best :) Sorta realised it for myself yesterday. But everything's fine. I'm fine. Don't need any help. I'M FINE FINE FINE :@ :'(

Sorry for lack of individual support..

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 02:23 PM

*cuddles april* yes it would be nicer to just be able to reinvent myself. There has been a lot going on that makes me feel like this... its just all kinda been building since my boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. Thats when i first got this idea that i needed to get out of here, and even tho now I am a lot more okay with the whole situation than i was... that feeling hasnt gone away at all. Plus, Im just so tired of having social anxiety issues ruin my life... I hate it. Like in class or whatever, i'll actually have something legitimate to say and ill try to raise my hand (to get my participation points) and a huge wave of anxiety comes over... not usually a panic attack but still pretty sucky. Idk. I just want out.

Anyway, enough about me... I'm sorry that you are feeling poorly but Mark is right, you are not pointless or useless or any of the other things you said. I'm glad that you professor gave you an extension, that was very nice of him. Keeping hold on, I know its hard, but you can do it! *hugs*

*hugs mark* I understand what you mean about wanting someone to say something that will fix you... it sucks that it doesnt really work like that. I always find myself waiting for quintessential moments that never actually happen heh. Anyway, I hope you are okay.

*hugs lindsay* I'm sorry things are so hard right now, but you can keep fighting. Stay strong hun.

*cuddles helen* Hun, you don't sound fine... Maybe try to let your friends help. Keep talking on here if it helps. I'm sorry i dont have much advice right now.

MammaMia 25-03-2010 02:38 PM

I'm not fine. I know :'( Now I may have a job and I'm sat here nearly crying. Feeling like crying for days. I can't do this. Can't do anything :'(

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 02:46 PM

*cuddles helen* maybe you should let yourself cry... it might help. Hang in there. I've gotta get to class, but if u need to talk feel free to send me a PM.

*hugs everyone else before rushing out* gonna be late! heh o well.

MammaMia 25-03-2010 02:47 PM

Thanks Laura x

Kahlia1981 25-03-2010 03:10 PM

*huggles everyone*

Thanks April and Mark re my 19 months milestone. Tonight - hmm, maybe that should be last night as it's now after midnight - we celebrated by watching two movies (Romeo + Juliet && Jumper) and had some Black Forest cake. It was really nice. Just some time with friends who realise that it's been a struggle. Seriously, it's been lovely.

*hugs everyone, sneaks some cake and snacks into the ward and then curls up in the corner to try and get some sleep :) *

MammaMia 25-03-2010 03:28 PM

Sounds awesome, hope you get a good sleep Kahlia :) *cuddles*

Scarletdreamer 25-03-2010 03:32 PM

I spy a Helen!! *cuddles* So sorry that you haven't been feeling very well... that sucks. :( And that you're not fine - I understand what you mean when you say that there were a few good days that kind of wiped out the bad. Is there anything I/we can do to help? and yes, I agree with LauraStar, let your friends help you as - as you said - they know you best. *squish* Maybe seek some outside help too if you can??

Thanks for the support guys... am still feeling awfully rubbishy and just want to off myself... but I can't here. I don't know. I just don't see any way out anymore. :crying:

MammaMia 25-03-2010 04:18 PM

Trying to let my best friends help (aswell as my other friends) but everyone has so much of their own ****. One of best friends replied to my text earlier, that I sent during the night, telling me how need help etc.

BUT I'm not going back through that circle of crap, to be told they can't help/nothing's wrong/broken promises. May aswell just continue to suffer. Meh meh meh MEH MEH MEH!!

borntobleed 25-03-2010 04:54 PM

*huggss everyone in the ward*

im lost in my own head. i see no way out. my memories are fading and all i want is to have them back, silence is killing me and im left alone with the people in my head, and only bad dreams. all i want to do is cut. ive tryed to cry but i cant, im to angry but for no reason.
im scared of myself

Scarletdreamer 25-03-2010 05:03 PM

I spy a Crimson & a borntobleed (sorry don't know your name!!)!!... how are you guys doing? *cuddles*

Hels, I'm sorry that you are in such a bad place... :( I feel your pain, I really do... what are you thinking about most of the time? if I dare ask that, heh... maybe try to do something to get your mind off of it - whatever "it" is? I don't know, sorry am not of much help right now. *cuddles* Feel free to PM me... I know I didn't/haven't yet respond/ed to your last one but that's my fault not yours... sorry. :(

Borntobleed, I wish that I could sprinkle magic happydust on all of us and make everything better... :( I'm sorry that you're feeling low as well. Are you getting outside help?? *hugs*

I'm still feeling rubbishy but just had some M&Ms so am feeling a little more, erm, chocolatized. Heh. :-/

I emailed my pastor about how bad things are getting and am waiting for a response... am nervous. :( I was 100% honest with him... so I'm scared.

*hides where no one can find her*

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 05:05 PM

ok i feel like i am replying too much now.. so sorry if im getting to be an annoyance.

*hugs kahlia* glad you had a good time!

*hugs april* please dont do anything. Things might get better with time. I know thats hard to picture especially if you have been waiting for years but, u have to keep up hope. Im glad that u emailed ur pastor, hopefully he is some help.

*hugs helen* if your friends want to help though, maybe you should let them... its okay to lean on people, everyone has their own problems i know but that is what they are there for... to support each other.

*hugs borntobleed* I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Try to stay safe. Did anything trigger these feelings?

*goes over to corner and hides for awhile* I'm so stupid sometimes.

borntobleed 25-03-2010 05:20 PM

scarletdreamer:- thankyou i wish that i had magicel happydust id happily o.d on it

fallinstar:- yeah i have been triggered, because i am alone, no one wants to be around me no more, everyone is always angry at me i just want to get away from myself

i feel ditached from myself, like nothing is real like i am so far away from everything. all sounds are to loud and i cant deal with this
sorry for rammbeling

MammaMia 25-03-2010 05:43 PM

I spy a Hayley & Doikers =)

Thanks for the support April & Laura *cuddles*

Am trying to allow people to help me, but they don't seem to be able to help much at the moment. People keep saying I should go back to a&e/my doctors etc. But I really don't want to go through all that stress again :'( Maybe I should. Only way I'll ever get help is if I keep going. Hate mh services >.>

Thinking lot about lot of things I guess April. About self harm, overdosing (I so did not count the amount of painkillers there is in the kitchen), suicide and other bad **** :/ Bleh. I don't even feel like I'm answering the question properly *sighs*

I am having epic fail of today. Haven't done my chores whatsoever. Will get called lazy by my sister. Least I forced myself to finally get washed & dressed not that long ago (it's 4.42pm) so nobody can say anything about that. Keep eating when promised myself I wouldn't today :/ It's too hard :'( :'( Trying to keep safe. I do want to keep safe & really don't. Got to love conflictions (Y)

CrazyHayley 25-03-2010 05:49 PM

I swear I only missed an opportunity to get online yesterday but there have been onver 3pages of posts since I was last paying attention! *worries she's lost time!*

Please forgive me for not doing individual replies to all but there were far too many, though some posts stuck out in my mind....

*does a belated 19month SI free dance with Kahlia* oh and as for NSAIDs, have you tried diclofenac or naproxen? Though they don't advise to be on high doses of these for too long as they can cause stomach ulcers! I was on the first one for over 5 years before they realised and I was swiftly taken off it otherwise they said I could be dead by the time I was 30....at the time I was 25 and su so I was like "thats fine with me!" As I'm 29 in a few months and having a sane day today I'm glad they changed me, though last month I had to have an anti ulcer drug which made me feel really nauseus :( But I can't get by without my NSAIDs, so I feel your pain *painrelieving huggles*

*huggles Crimson* thanks for posting 'Dream Big' not the genre of music that I would usually listen to, but the lyrics were uplifting and full of hope :)

*group huggles all else in ward*

*pops out to the smoking shelter*...."puppy sinclair! Walkies!!"

CrazyHayley 25-03-2010 05:53 PM

ooh just read my post then wondered....if I'm having such a sane day today then why did I binge earlier?! And why did I then take laxatives?! I may not have cried today or had thoughts of SI or what not, but still....I guess I still have a lot of work to do before I can be 'normal' even on my sane days.....

*ponders whilst goes back out to smoking shelter*

PoisonedApple 25-03-2010 06:10 PM

Hayley~ me either but it was on an blogtalk radio show i was listening to... i liked it.

Yesterday was going so well... then i went home and it all went to ****.i was so pissed off i didn't even get on my computer... i cleaned house. on the upside my laundry is now all the way caught up even though i thought it'd be a few loads off...
hope today goes better but i have to finish cleaning tonight so the landlord can come in tomorrow... i hate when the come in no matter the reason or how clean the place is. i always feel judged...
*huggles laura, heyley, helen, april, kahlia, anyone i missed*

CrazyHayley 25-03-2010 06:52 PM

ooh I had a landlady check yesterday, it was the first time I didn't clean before she came round, I was just too poorly with my M.E symptoms. But she was happy enough as it was still clean and tidy for her liking, perhaps I still am quite obsessive compulsive with my cleaning, it just doesn't feel clean enough...but my priorites have changed, as in I'll post on here rather than go do the washing up.....well my alarm is set to go do that at 6.15pm, I've a freind coming over at 7pm and I can't have them see my mess/dirt!
what was I rambling?! Oh yes, landlords, mine always checks in my fridge and makes comments on my eating! bloody cheek!! So I totally understand how you feel Crimson about being judged. But I'm sure we with MH issues kinda feel it worse. Congrats on getting up to date with laundry. I nealry am, I just have handwashing stuff to do. Oh how I dislike handwashing, but I love the clothes!

*huggles Helen* I see you awake in here!

MammaMia 25-03-2010 08:44 PM

*cuddles Hayley lots*

Kahlia1981 25-03-2010 09:28 PM

*hugs everybody*

Hayley - Thanks for the celebratory dance. :D No, I've only been able to have the simple OTC NSAIDs. I've just been put on Tramal/Tramadol. I see my physio today and my GP wants me to see an orthopaedic surgeon. I just don't know what my physio is going to say. :S

I had a really psycho night. I got like 4 hours sleep but I'm up and bouncing. And when I did get up it was fricking freezing. Now it's warming up and I'm thinking about whether to take my jumper off or not! Our weather is seriously bizarre at the moment.

Sorry for the lack of individual replies ... my head's not quite working properly.

*hugs everyone then nicks out to the smoking shelter*

MammaMia 25-03-2010 10:02 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Doikers 25-03-2010 10:29 PM

* Hugs to y'all *

It's been almost a whole day now ( I'm off to bed ) and I did it! first time in 10 ( ten ) conseutive days and I haven't harmed , well I've scar picked a bit but we won't count that ( Should I ?) . So little high fives to everyone:)
I hope I can double my S.I. free time by this time tomorrow :-S

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 11:02 PM

*squishes everyone*

Mark - congrats on making it a day! great job! Keep it up. *throw confetti*

CrazyHayley 25-03-2010 11:16 PM

*huggles Helen* thanks for all the cuddles :) is there anything other than huggles I can do to help?

*huggles Kahlia* oooh *jealous face* TRAMADOL!! - I LOVE that stuff! How have you found it?! what doesage have they given you? Is it a kick you in the arse version or the slow release?! I used to have in the kick you in the arse version 30mg 3xday, twas rather amusing sometimes. Then they changed me to 75mg slow release, still quite good fun but not as much, now I have a secret stash of it as they took me off of it as I'd been on it for 5years and apparently its dangerous to be on it for longer than 6months due to addiction and what not. I've moved around so many doctors though, this is how I keep getting to be on my meds for far too long and then they go "ot-oh! that's not good...." but even sometimes when I have that on my really bad pain days it doesn't get rid of all the pain. When I went to the doctors they just told me I'd have to accept that due to my conditions I won't have a pain free life, but that medication can make it more tolerable. I hope that they manage to find a med/dosage that suits you and gives you more quality of life.

*huggles mark* well done for managing the day SI free. I wouldn't count picking a scab unless its a regular form of SH for you. But if you did that rather as a distraction so that you didn't cut I think it was a success! So hopefully on waking you'll feel more positive tomorrow and I think the '15minute game' is a great thing to do. I hadn't heard of that until you mentioned it earlier, but I shall keep it in mind if ever I get to that place again - which will probably be next PMDD cycle. I wonder if I could apply it to my ED too? As in try and put off having a binge for 15mins at a time? Or if I have binged, then try (oh gosh, eek) to put off purging. Yeah definately would be easier to put off a binge rather than put off purging.....

My wii fit evening with my friend went well. My legs are getting stronger which is good. Gonna waffle in my journal now - I'm not too sure what about. I know that I wanted to do an entry earlier but I didn't have time due to my friend coming round. Strange how in a few hours something that seemed so important has now slipped my mind....

CrazyHayley 25-03-2010 11:17 PM

*huggles Laura* ooh sorry didn't see you there! *Joins in the confetti throwing!* How are you tonight?

MammaMia 25-03-2010 11:17 PM

Make it stop :'( *curls up*

Scarletdreamer 25-03-2010 11:28 PM

I feel like proper ****.

My pastor told me to go to the hospital ASAP.
My NP called the campus security on me today as I wasn't answering her texts (was in class).

Today has been a royally bad day.
I don't feel safe. Alone or even with Jarrod here.

Screw this.

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 11:53 PM

*hugs hayley* glad u had a good wii fit night. Its great to feel like ur getting shape.

I'm struggling but ok-ish right now. Looking forward to going to my friends for dinner in a few minutes.

*cuddles helen* I wish i could make it stop for u hun. *wraps in blanket*

*hugs april* do u think u need to go to the hospital? I mean, u dont have to or anything... but... would u be safer there? I would hate for anything to happen to you hun. Keep fighting. I know its hard. *squishes* Maybe talk to ur hubby and see what he thinks u should do.

MammaMia 25-03-2010 11:57 PM

Keep fighting April. Sorry it's been such a bad day *squishes*

Hope you enjoy your friends Laura :)

CrazyHayley 26-03-2010 12:01 AM

oh Helen, if I knew how to make it stop, I would. I wish I had a magic wand so that I could stop all the pain and anguish that we all feel. It will stop sometime, I don't know when, I pray for it to be soon. *huggles*

*huggles April* ooh thats crap bout the security being called on you :( Can you not give your NP a copy of your timetable so that they'll know when you're in class. Or set up a system so that you text them just before you go into something where you won't be able to respond, and then text them again when you're available? As for your Pastor telling you to go to the hospital, with the way that you've been feeling, if you told him everything, then his reaction is kind of understandable - I don't mean to upset you, but he'll be erring on the side of caution and he wants you to stay safe, as we all do. Especially as you're now saying you're not even feeling safe with jarrod around. But I do understand what you said earlier about not wanting to go to hospital as you want to see the semester through to its end. I hope that your determination to finish the semester stays with you and helps you through - but don't force yourself beyond what you can cope with right now, don't continue if it really is too much, there is no point getting within a few days of the end of semester and then, well, I won't even type it, but you know what I mean. Like I said to our younger inmate Nicole, education can always wait, its not going anywhere, we need to put our health - our snaity - first. *extra huggles*

Right thats me all waffled out. *group huggles all in ward* night night, sleep tight...or morning morning, have a good 'un!

CrazyHayley 26-03-2010 12:02 AM

ooh missed Laura again when I was typing - sorry! *huggles laura extra!* Enjoy your friends.

ok, now I'm off to bed. *toddles off to bed with ted*

SoMuchMore 26-03-2010 06:43 AM

.... and then **** really hits the fan....

found out my ex boyfriend was actually cheating on me for awhile now.... He has manipulated and lied to everyone... u would think after 4 years he would respect me more... I hate him.


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