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-   -   I can't. (http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=255831)

MunchBox 22-04-2019 08:21 PM

I can't.
 
I can't live anymore. Things have gotten so fucking bad.
I can't live with the guilt of the assault, flashbacks have occured today, seeing him on my bed, touching me. I can't. Vile. I'm off my depot, and surprise surprise, things are worse.

My housemate in supported living is fucking killing me so after 4 months I've decided to move out so I can die in peace lol.

I'm anxious 24/7. Like internally anxious.

I need help. I've been doing awful things again.

Stellata 22-04-2019 08:26 PM

It wasn't your fault, so why do you feel guilty?

Do you have access to a support team still? Please try and contact them. You don't have to go through this on your own, and talk to us here as much as you need. I can hear your pain and torment.

MunchBox 22-04-2019 08:40 PM

Thank you.
But it was, as my therapist basically said "it was prolonged because I was nice". It hit me bad when she said that I couldn't breathe, I was sobbing and walked out of the session. If you knew what happened you'd agree.

I feel sick with myself. I've been away from ryl thinking I was doing better but here I am whining, fucking pathetic.

I'm seeing patterns, signs in everything. So blatant that they were meant for me. About abuse, about murder, about God.

I have support. Lots. Don't deserve it.
Got my psychiatrist appointment Wednesday.

I cant do anything for myself, like I child. Food is cooked for me. Prompted to shower to eat to shop.

I cannot go on.

Stellata 22-04-2019 10:10 PM

You do deserve support and you're in pain, not pathetic. It sounds like you feel torn apart inside?

I'm glad you see your psychiatrist on Wednesday. Can you tell them exactly how things are?

one_step_closer 25-04-2019 04:34 PM

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful and are being harsh on yourself. You don't deserve this bullying from yourself or from anyone else. How did you get on with your psychiatrist?

MunchBox 27-04-2019 03:19 PM

It was awkward because I had attempted like two days earlier. They were frustrated with me, especially my CPN because I'd promised her I wouldn't do anything.

They've upped my antipsychotic and increased my prn anti anxiety to regular.

I tried to find the guy on fb. For hours. Couldn't find him, the name I remember probably isn't his real name, he didnt give me his real phone number so it makes sense if it wasn't.

Overwhelmed and sad.

Cuddlycat1 28-04-2019 06:30 PM

Hi you don't deserve what you went through nobody does and abuse is really hard to come through and survive so you're doing really well to survive sending love and hugs

one_step_closer 28-04-2019 07:41 PM

Feeling overwhelmed and sad is huge. How has this weekend been for you? I'm sorry about what happened before your appointment, I hope your CPN etc were supportive rather than just seeming frustrated. It's hard to stay safe sometimes, even when you tell someone you will. Would you be able to reach out to someone if you felt like that again? I hope the meds settle things for you, please take them. I think I can understand trying to find the guy on fb, but try and let him go as much as you can if that's possible. He's torturing you in your mind.

MunchBox 06-05-2019 07:50 PM

I can't let it go, I just can't. It's been months since I've asked my CPN to take it forward with the police. No one has got back to her, no one has got back to me. Could someone please help, I feel like I'm choking, I'm drowning. Why cant good things happen to me? Am I that bad of a person. Why do I let things happen. I cant do this anymore.

one_step_closer 07-05-2019 12:44 PM

You're definitely not a bad person, you don't deserve awful things to happen to you, no one does. I'm sorry all the bad stuff is pressing in on you. Would you be able to ask your CPN what happens next with the police, like should someone contact them again? I really hope things start to look better for you soon.

MunchBox 08-05-2019 06:27 PM

I tried again that night. Legit thought I was going to die, just laid there and of course i woke up. Made a mess of my room and was so embarrassed that when I woke, very fucking weak. I changed my sheets and duvet so the staff wouldn't do it. Its ridiculous, there I am losing a lot of blood and and my second thought was how the staff might feel.

I tried everything, I looked at my dbt folder. I played my uke for hours but my anxiety was sky high still. I called a rape hotline and felt stupid sobbing at her so I hung up. I honestly thought I was going to die. Unfortunate.

My therapist told me I told my CPN to not take it further with the police, lol, no recollection of that but it must be what I wanted. I'm so sad and anxious and lonely.

one_step_closer 08-05-2019 07:34 PM

I'm sorry you were so desperate last night. Do you need any medical help? Is there someone you feel able to be honest with about all this stuff because you clearly need some support.

MunchBox 14-05-2019 10:40 PM

Nah, I'm alright.
I have been somewhat honest but I'm having trouble trusting professionals at the moment. Just feel like I'm at war with myself and then other people. I think I'm becoming bitter. I really dont like this version of myself but then again I've never liked any version. Its saddening.

I haven't been self harming since but I sometimes dont take my meds when the staff give them to me. Also, as an alternative to SH I've been watching really distressing documentaries about horrible things which make me sob. If I feel like self harming I'll just watch them. Like emotional self harm. Dunno. Dunno anything anymore

one_step_closer 15-05-2019 04:43 PM

Emotional self harm is distressing. It's sad that you're fighting yourself. I know it can be hard to trust people so well done for any kind of honesty you've managed to show. Is there anyone at all you trust?

MunchBox 13-08-2019 10:52 PM

Hey, haven't been here in ages but, I think I need some support.
On paper everything looks good, I have somewhere to live, I have a girlfriend, I do voluntary work but, everything seems so horrible.

I started having really bad thoughts, what my CPN called ideas of reference, and hallucinations again, on top that fashbacks and self harm and some attempts to end my life. I hide things well. I turned vegan after watching a horrible documentary and cried myself to sleep, I talked about emotional SH and well I still do it as well as the actual thing. As this moment in time I'm listening to song that distresses me, I need to hear it to remind of a certain night. I need to remember what happened because the police are getting involved after months of not hearing of anything.

My girlfriend is so precious I can't burden her with all my evil.
Not taking meds, spitting them out when they give them to me because trust no one. Except her. I trust her. They said I was getting psychotic but they pump me with drugs and see the psych every 6 weeks.

Just so sad

tiptoes 14-08-2019 06:50 PM

Have you been able to talk to anyone about these thoughts?

The emotional self harm sounds difficult, I wonder if you have thought about what appeals about it? Sorry if that is crap phrasing. Are there any barriers you could put in place? Removing the triggering songs from playlists for example. Sometimes I have to be a bit strict with what music I have available too me because it can easily enhance the mood I'm in for the worse. You are a wonderful person and you deserve to be able to listen to or watch things that bring you peace or joy or happiness.

one_step_closer 15-08-2019 03:02 PM

I don't think that talking to your GF would be burdening her with anything. Does your CPN know what's behind all of the things that are going on for you right now? Would you prefer to see the psych more frequently than every 6 weeks? Sorry for all the questions. I hope you can talk to someone and start to work through things.

MunchBox 25-08-2019 02:55 AM

Thank you for the replies, sorry I haven't replied sooner.

I took it off my playlist like you said and then I seek it on Spotify. Just feel like I need to desensitise myself by listening to it. Obviously not working. Thank you for the kind words.

Hey, she knows she's saying I'm either having psychosis from my pd, schizoaffective or PTSD, something like that everyone's thinking that anyway or a mixture of all.

I'd rather not see my psych that frequently tbh.

My roommate is a bloke my age, same interests and everything, such a nice chap and we got drunk and started texting eachother from out rooms. I was ready to give up all I've got with my gf just for sex but I stopped the convo, and talked to my love and made plans to see her next week. I can't believe I actually thought of throwing the relationship all away for sex, i thought up all these scenarios that ended up with me fucking him and then lying to her.

(me) = w.h.o.r.e.

I then binged til I threw it up and then i had pins and needles in my legs which of course reminded me of that horrid night when I couldn't walk.

I'm broken.

I hate myself so much. But, who doesn't these days.

one_step_closer 26-08-2019 01:53 PM

I'm sorry you are feeling like this and continuing to judge yourself. I think lots of adults have the same thoughts as you at times and that doesn't make you any kind of bad person. How have things been with your treatment team?

MunchBox 31-08-2019 09:46 PM

Thank you.

They've been dealing with me, but they've backed off now I'm doing better but I am seeing my psych again in two weeks.


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