Thanks Kat, April & Taz. I feel like a broken record, I'm sick of feeling so bad. So ****ing sick of it. So ****ing sick of these thoughts aswell. Making me want to do them just so they'll SHUT THE **** UP!!!

This.

Ughhh feel like ****. :'(

But I did call the new therapist and left a message. :-S Actually had to make 2 phone calls... I HATE PHONES!!!! It would be so much easier if everything were through typing. :'( No appt made yet as she wasn't answering her phone at the second office they have, but... at least I tried, right? :-S I'm scared... I don't want to do therapy again but my NP and Jarrod both think that it's wise. :(

*hides in a hole*

updated r/v........................ :'(

bitch that i am. sorry, so sorry....

*cuddles april* not a bitch, hun.

Sorry one step closer,thought I saw an old ex freind of
mine, it kind of set of some really shitty flashbacks
horrible stuff. Realy wanted to selfharm, Hate that he gone yet I'm left with the ****. Graps some bed covers and hides in a corner.

Having such an awful day again.
You wouldn't believe.
Can't tell anyone though..

*Hugs Helen* Do you think you could tell us?

*spots a Hayley and Hugs:)* your laptop is working?

Wow, like JK said, even in the space of 24hours its hard to keep up with the pace of the ward. I have read through everything since I was last in the ward common room though but I'm too brain fogged with my M.E to attempt to do individual replies.

I would like to thank Mark for being my messenger earlier with reagrds to my broken laptop. As you can see it's broken no longer.....*pause*....well it never was broken....I thought it was plugged in but infact my lamp was plugged in, so it hadn't broken, the battery had simply died *blushes* I'm glad I figured that one out before I asked someone round to help me!!!

*goes around ward giving all her wardies appropriate tlc*

*toddles out to smoking shelter*

OH Hayley ! The old Laptop / Lamp switcharoo ! First thing to make me smile today , and I'm glad your back online :)

*huggles Mark* Well I'm glad it made you smile - I felt like such a wally! I've done something stupid like that before...well slightly worse...my fridge-freezer stopped working, and I checked the plug in the wall was in properly and switched on, so I called out someone to look at it...yes the plug was switched on but the plug was the extension lead that I forgot was needed and the fridge-freezer plug had come loose from the extension lead...£40 call out charge for me being a dipstick! Think I made the guys day! Oh well, I'm clever with some things, not blessed in the technology and plugs area though!!

I spy Laura and Crimson! *huggles*

Think I'm going to spend some time on WoW for a bit.

*toddles into corner to become her gnome!*

*curls up and cries* too much... it's all too much. what does everyone want from me? i'm doing 2 people worth of jobs and its still not enough. everyone has some complaint about something i'm not doing good enough. then i go home and have to make dinner, have g do school and try to fit in my own essays (they're almost done i just don't have time to finish them) then eat and try to fit some exercise in there somewhere and lets not forget a bath and any housework that needs done.
to top it off i've been so sneezy lately that my throat is flemmy and raw (from sniffling till i can get to a tissue and the rush of air from sneezing respectively) to the point that i'm losing my voice and have to keep clearing my throat and coughing and drinking tea and eating cough drops just so i can speak at all.

*Hugs Crimson* , You sound rushed off your feet! * Hands Crimson a box with an hours worth of time to just relax in*

I want a rl denial tent for my office

*cuddles crimson* Oh hun, it sounds like you've got a ton going on. You are doing amazing handling everything. I really admire you for being able to handle all of the stress it seems that you have *creates a relaxing bubble around crimson so she can have a break*

*hugs hayley* i'm glad your computer is not actually broken. Thats funny about the lamp/laptop switch

*cuddles JK* sorry to hear that you are struggling hun. Switching drugs is really hard sometimes.

*hugs april* Good job on managing to call! You are not a bitch.

*hugs helen* I hope you are alright. I know you said you cant tell anyone about your day but if it helps at all you can always talk here, or my PM box is always open

*hugs taz, lindsay, mark, jill, kat, emma and everyone i might have missed

I will try to let u guys know whats going on with me.. Not right now, b/c im only here for a few minutes and i wanted to get at least a few replies in.. but i'll try to explain later maybe... i just suck at talking sometimes.

argh is this day ever going to end. Not in the mood now
was in a really stuiped mood earlyer on. Having a man
bashing day. Was funny took my mind off stuff. Now i
got noithing to keep my mind from thinking things. Just want
to curl up in thhe stockroom at work and hide.

*spies a Crimson and a Laura*
*cuddles both of them*

Crimson, sweet, sounds like you've been through a crapload of busyness!! I'll donate a few hours of my time to help you... *hands a box with a few hours stored up in it* Maybe that'll help some? (I wish) I'm sorry that you feel underappreciated (at least, I can only imagine that you do)... but we appreciate you here. Am pretty sure that everyone would agree with me!!

Hels *cuddles* So sorry you're having a bad day, and don't worry about sounding like a "broken record" as you put it, I'm sure that we all sound like that at times and it's okay. :) Just let out your feelings whenever you can - in a healthy manner - and keep on fighting... you are doing such a marvelous job!!

Mark *cuddles* Thanks for all the support you've given me, has been so much appreciated. :)

Just got in touch with that therapist... I'm scared - no TERRIFIED - that she's going to make me contract to not self harm or she won't see me. I can't do that. I can't. And if she does I knew ahead of time that this theraputic relationship wouldn't work out!! :-S because I honestly don't think I can stop SH'ing. I think I need to go to res for that, I'm not saying I can't stop without it, it's just that I think I need intensive care and res would be that. :-S But I did make an appt - 9 June at 4pm - so I'll have to leave my internship early, ugh. Oh well. I am just scared!! :'(

Sorry for being such a ****ing coward. Even Jarrod thinks I'm a coward (at times). :'(

*hides in the warren*

Oh! I forgot Hayley... whoops. :o

Good to see you back... and lol, that did get me to smile about the laptop/lamp switch. Glad you have your comp back though... how is WoW going? did you start a little toon with Mark's? or are you just helping him on your mage? *cuddles* I've missed the WoW-talk that we have once in awhile... :) ...hopefully we don't annoy the non-WoW-players in the thread. Heh. :-S

*hides again*

*hugs Hels* My PM box is always open hun. I know how you feel with the thoughts. Try not to give in though, you’re so much stronger than that <3

*hugs shadowedsoul* Sorry, I missed your name somewhere =/ Flashbacks do suck though, sorry to hear they’re bothering you :(

*hugs Mark* How’s your day going?

*pounces on Hayley* Welcome back :D I actually lol’ed at your lamp/laptop cord mishap... I’m sure we’ve all done it (myself, more than once ><)

*hugs Crimson* Classic case of not enough time in the day to get everything done :( Sorry to hear that, I know how much it sucks. Wish I could give you better advice =/ I echo April’s thoughts though, we appreciate having you here :)

*hugs Laura* No worries, pop back whenever you get a chance. Hope you’re doing okay <3

*hugs April* You’re not a coward hun <3 I don’t think the psych would make you sign a contract like that, it sounds really harsh =/ But then again, I’ve yet to see a psych so I wouldn’t know. It sounds like you’re making progress though, just keep pushing along :) You’re stronger than you think.

Had a complete breakdown at counseling today... updating my r/v thread right now with more details.

*hugs anyone I might have missed*

*Hugs Taz* How's My Day? Hmmm well I JUST about got out of bed this morning , then came to check on the ward , was feeling really triggered so went for a 20 minute nap and woke to my phone going off in my pocket over an hour and a half later lol , but the triggering urges have subsided thanx to the Mega-nap I just hope I can sleep well tonight. Still feel a bit triggered so am heading for an early night in a bit , was trying to play WoW but just coulden't get into it , I feel numb , thats my meds making me so. Sorry for the winding reply , I'm a bit self involved I know :S

edit: I'll just pop over and read your R/V thread

ugh really don't feel good... :'( i hope i can make it in to work tomorrow because i have meetings i should be attending... if i can't i don't know what i'll do. :(

feel so stupid. i don't know.

and i am a coward. everyone thinks so. (okay, maybe not everyone, but a lot of lot of people do, i think...) but thanks for the reassurances, taz... *cuddles* i'll pop over and read your r/v in a bit.

laura, love, i'm here to listen to you if/when you want to talk. ♥ *cuddles*

gonna go update my r/v... i think... :(

Do you guys find having a R/V thread usefull ? I'm thinking about getting one , as a sort of outlet for how I feeling , just so I can Rant uncenserd ( spelling?) but just wonder if anyone else finds them beneficial

I think its been about a month since I last SI'd.
Still haven't been to the nurse, my stomach hasn't been troubling me today but in some ways I still don't wanna go.
I had an exam this morning... But I almost had a panic attack, which is never really any fun.
*sits in warren*

Mark, my r/v thread is very helpful to me. :) It's allowed me to get out feelings/thoughts that I don't put anywhere else, and people can follow what's going on in your head (if you want them to) without you having to type it out in here. Or it can just be a place for you... I tell people here when I update mine because I do want them to read it but you wouldn't have to. I just do so they can read it if they want, and then I can get some feedback. Sometimes, anyway.

Damnit I'm sick of being sick!!!! :crying:

EDIT: lol, updated r/v....... totally forgot to put that in the post first time 'round. And Taz... *cuddles tight* Keep us updated etc... I'm glad that you were honest with your therapist. That's really good. Proud of you. :)

Sometimes it is Mark. If I think I have too much to say for here I type it there, or when I'm angry and can't say what I need to to that person (see my r/v thread regarding aids to understand that part further) but there's times it isn't... Sometimes I don't type stuff there because no one but you can comment on your r/v thread... so really it depends what you feel/want/need. But it is worth giving it a shot, right?

Kitkat, congrats on making it about a month SI-free!!! *throws confetti and does the happy dance for you as well* :D That's better than a lot of us here, including me... I don't bother counting days anymore, although I had gone since December without cutting (but not without SI'ing) until a few days ago. :-/ Anyway, am proud of you!! *cuddles*

*cuddles Crimson* Are you feeling any better, love?

Hehe thankyou (: I don't know how many days... but it was in April somtime I think xD
I'm proud of you too that you went that long without cutting (:
Well done (:
*lots and lots of hugs*

Blah. Triggered. Beyond. Belief.

:crying:

me to i never answer my phone not even my cell if my mum is going to ring my cell she'll txt me before hand so i no it's her

nnggghhh feel like ****.
mum thinks it's the flu or a 24 hour bug

A little. I'm just gonna keep telling people that if I wasn't doing two people's jobs doing my job wouldn't be a problem.
One of my two-legged roommate type people may be leaving soon. J pissed D off last night and M hasn't been home from when she left town and has called in sick to work 2 days in a row so far *crosses fingers* maybe D will kick 2 out instead of one. If M, J n L leave then it'll be down to *counts on fingers* 7 people in my apartment... still a lot but better than 11. And about half of the extra stuff crowding my house with clutter'd be gone.
but ya know if I can spend just 500$ a month to feed 10 people... imagine how awesome just feeding me, d and the kids'd be... I imagine we'd be able to have sushi night once a week again. And think if I didn't have to pay MIL's cell bill and car insurance for her (with a most of the time unfulfilled promise to pay us back each month) either... *happy sighs* ok yeah I know, now I'm just daydreaming...

I'm really sorry about earlier. I mean posting that & then disappearing for hours on end. I really want to talk about it but kinda scared. *rocks*

I didn't do anything, almost did though :'(

*hugs*
You can get past this, I know you can
*hugs*

*hugs back* Thanks sweetie =[

You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to (: at least you didn't do anything, thats a plus (:
And that's okay, any time (:

I want to...but I kinda can't. Idk.

i dont feel sicki dont feel sicki dont feel sicki dont feel sicki dont feel sick:crying:

*curls up small shivering*

*cuddles Hels* Don't talk about it if you don't want to, but know that we're here to listen if you do want to. Things will be okay, hon...

*germ-free cuddles to Julie* Hope you feel better soon, sweet. Being sick sucks... I'm fighting off a cold right now myself. :( It's icky, especially since I'm supposed to be at work and have missed the past 2 days. Oh well... anyway, try and have some vitamin C and maybe a banana? easy on the stomach and the potassium is good.

*cuddles Crimson* Kudos to you for putting up with so many people in such a small apartment!! It would drive me utterly nuts. Also with the financial situation... that has to be SO difficult - understatement, ey? but anyway, wish I could help somehow. :( Know that you're in my prayers - if it's okay to say that - and eventually know that things WILL get better.

*cuddles Kitkat* How're you doing, love?

I'm so tired. And so triggered. And very very anxious. I think I'm going to update r/v, I don't know. I've already written in it at least twice today... but I guess that's what it's there for, as much use as I need it for. Right? (I hope that sentence made sense... hah. My brain's fuzzy right now...)

I hate coughing. It triggers panic. :(

I just want to go to bed. And feel cool... this warm weather is killing me. :(

*hides in a a/c'd hole in the warren, since her apartment is lacking a/c*

:sad: do u no wat really stupid the only thing i'm really worried about is the fact i might not be able to go to my 2 fitness classes tonight

Aw Julie... if you need to take tonight off from those classes, that's okay, you need the rest if you're ill. *huggles* Why are you worried about it?

R/v updated......... :'(

*looks at the ground feeling real stupid*:notsure:
coz then i'll miss exercise and i've already missed 1 class this week

*offers hugs to april* i'm sorry ur so ankshus (i no thats spelt very very wrong it's just how the word sounds) hun

i'm to lazy to go and copy and pasted the word

*rocks back and forth* They're getting so intense again :'(

*hugs Julie* It's okay to miss a bit of exercise, especially if you're ill. You don't want to get even sicker, I don't think... and the stress that all of that exercise puts on your body is a bad thing when you're ill. :)

I wish I weren't anxious too... :( Hate feeling this way. Especially when it comes in waves. I just want to go to sleep but I can't because I cough too much. :'(

*hides in her a/c'd hole*

*cuddles Hels* What are, honey? the urges? Is there anything I can do? ♥

*offers helen hugs*

Well I told you on facebook now, but will still answer. Suicidal & cuting urges & stuff =[

*accepts Julie's hugs*

oooo i'm on facebook

Awesome :) Think quite a few of us are xD

*spies a Crimson and a Kahlia*
*sends cuddles out to them both*

Just took a hot shower. Jarrod's kind of cranky, dunno why, or so it seems anyway. Meh. I am too. And my stomach hurts, probably since it's 8:17pm and I've not eaten anything since lunch. :-S

*hides in her a/c'd hole*