Freaking out.
 

Gahh I'm sorry I shouldn't really be posting here as I haven't been much support recently and don't really deserve the support myself but I'm currently freaking out and I don't know what to do D:

This will probably be quite long. I'm sorry again. But I think writing it down may help calm me down. I may delete this later.

My mum knew about my self-harm, then thought I had stopped. A few hours ago she saw my wrists, grabbed them and demanded to see my arms. There are old scars that she knows about, but there are a few fresh cuts that she doesn't. I made up excuses. She didn't believe me. She told me that she will be regularly checking me to make sure I don't do it again and had removed everything sharp from my room. (I mostly hurt myself on my legs and other parts of my body that can be covered up, the arms just happened recently. I can also still hurt myself as I have obviously 'hidden' sharp things in my room... sorry just thought I should add that...). This freaked me out quite a lot. As she freaked out quite a lot.

I text my friend what happened. She is a great friend and I trust her a lot. She was lovely about everything and sent a very long text about how she is always there for me, and she didn't even try and tell me to stop. (That sounds weird but its a good thing and she understands that I just can't stop.)She even knew things that apparently I didn't, such as that I have been doing it more frequently recently and that they are deeper, as well as in a different (I guess more 'dangerous' area). Although this text was great and everything, I cried quite a lot when I read it and couldn't deal with all the emotions of being scared and upset but happy with my friend. And I have no hurt myself, it's worse than it has been in a while, and I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I can't go and get it checked out because of my mum. I've cleaned it and it should be okay but I just don't know... And although it really hurts right now, its great at the same time and however stupid this may sound I just want to do it again. I need to do it again. And I don't know how not do.

I know this is so long, I'm really sorry. I don't know what to do. I'm freaking out. I'm also not really sure what I'm asking for in this thread... maybe just some support and advice? :( I'm sorry :(

Thankyou so much for reading :) I'm sorry to ask for support :(

Hey,

Please don't feel that you don't deserve support because you do and I'm glad you have reached out and posted. There is no need to apologise, this is what RYL was set up for.

It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time and it must be scary, suddenly having your Mum involved. I'm really pleased to hear that you have a great friend and whilst it must feel very intrusive with your Mum saying she will do regular checks, please know she is only doing it because she cares and wants to help you.

With the recent self harm, if it needs to be checked out, please do get it checked out. I can appreciate how difficult this is because of your Mum but although your Mum may feel hurt, she would rather you were honest and got the wound sorted.

It doesn't sound stupid that you want to do it again. I think that unfortunately that is the nature of self harm. This page has a lot of information about self harm which you may find helpful to read.

I'm sorry my reply hasn't been brilliant. I've taken my medication and feeling a bit dozey but I saw that your thread hadn't had any replies and I didn't want to leave it that way.

We care here and are here for you.

Much love,

Lottie x

Thankyou so much for your reply, it means a lot.

And thankyou for your kind words. I know my mum is helping me and is doing it just because she cares. And I'm being so ungrateful. But I'm scared. She can't know she just can't what if she sees the others. She will freak. I'm sorry. Its okay, everything was okay, I'm just really overdramatic and freaked out for a second, but its okay now. Thankyou.Thankyou for the link, I have read it before, but reading it again was very helpful, and reminded me of a lot of things. Thankyou.

Your reply was great Lottie, thankyou so much it means a lot. I hope you're okay <3

I'm sorry this is going to be a rant and i'm not even sure why I am posting again, I never normally do this. I'm just really struggling right now... I was walking home today and walked overthe bridge. Gosh I'm sorry I nearly did it I was so close and that scared me I didn't know what to do. It felt like the world was screaming at me to just...jump. And I was so close again. I never thought I'd be that close again but I am. I was. I am. I feel so fat and disgusting all the time and all I can do is hurt myself. But it doesn't make the pain go away. The only way the pain will leave will be if I just do it.

It's just been such a crappy day. I've eaten too much and my Mum checked. It was awful. I can't do it anymore.

Gosh I'm so sorry. I shall be quite now! :D

how have the last few days been?

maybe you could talk to your mother, arrange to see a therapist or counselor, and agree that if you do that, she won't be as intrusive... i know that you may hate to hear this (i know i did) but you've broken her trust, and it takes work to earn it back. agreeing to get professional help may allow your mother to feel more secure and less protective.

if you won't see a professional, i'd still suggest setting up some goals with your mom (concrete ones that lead to being safer and getting better) that you can work to meet. as you accomplish them, she will have to give you more privacy and independence in return.

Hello, I'm sorry to kind of bump this thread but i'm really struggling at the moment and could do with a little support. I'm sorry > <

Katie, sorry I just saw your post, I realise you posted ages ago but this has been the worst week :( My friend saw my arms and felt the need to tell her Mum who told mine. My mum, although already knew, told my teachers in school (a completely pointless thing to do considering I am 18 and have only a month left of school). I had to talk to some teachers for ages and it was one of the worst things. I don't know what to do, or what's going to happen. This can't be happening :(

I just want to hurt myself so much, and now I can't, but I know somehow I will find a way. I just don't know about anything anymore.

I'm so sorry.

I'm not saying this to be mean but.. do you realize all these problems are about you not wanting to "deal" with the problem? You get upset and you cut then other people find out you cut so then you cut again because you feel guilty about and the cycle just continues and continues. I know it's hard, but I think this is the point where you should maybe consider some outside professional help. Not saying go to a hospital but just seeing someone and get to the bottom of what's striving your urge for pain. You're not going to be able to survive with all the secrets, it's too much for anyone. Talking to somebody about some of it (not all of it, that's not safe either) starts you feel better about it and not so "crazy".

I'm sorry if that was no help at all. But, I've seen similar situations with a close friend and it kind of became a game of hiding the cuts and telling certain people some things then those people telling other people and it was just a huge game of unpleasant emotions.

Hang in there, please.

Thankyou for replying. It wasn't mean at all, it means a lot someone takes the time to reply. I know I am causing my own problems, sorry i realise it sounds like I don't, but I honestly do. I guess i just don't know how to deal with it all and I'm scared to tell the truth. I think I will try, or think about, getting help.

Thankyou, youre reply helped a lot, and no secrets don't really help anybody. I'm sorry.

what do other people do to deal with things? sometimes it is easier to think of what other people do, and then see if you can do some of those things yourself.

if you don't know about anything, don't harm yourself. while that may seem like the "safe" options in some ways, because it is something you have done in the past, it is actually a really negative behavior (which i think that you know). if you need information, gather it. if you need time to think, find some space and think. if you need other people's opinions, ask the people that you trust/respect. there are lots of things to do when you feel unsure, but harming isn't one of them