Farewell the Ashtray Girl
 

This is a poem I wrote about my bestfriend/penpal Val . I started it as a creative writing assignment, a tribute to our friendship written mostly in song lyrics. Ironically, while writing it she committed suicide. We'd been friends for nearly 7 years. So, this turned into a tribute to not only our friendship, but her life. Hope you like it.

Farewell the Ashtray Girl

The OCD angel wants to
Take you with her
You’re the girl that’s pretty like drugs
With strawberry gashes all over
Because don’t you know
I’m the patron saint of self-injury
Hey ashtray girl
The band aid won’t cover the bullet hole
So just pour your misery down
And I’ll comprehend
That which I should never comprehend
Real a lie, are you telling the truth?
I’m trying to tell which lies are true
Thanks for the cash
For The Bipolar joker’s
Psych ward calls
Sleep may be the enemy
But so’s another line
Wishing you a serene dream tonight
Crazy words results of
Cocaine and ecstasy
Valium and cherry wine
But deep down I know
You’re all pigtails and chords
Pale blue eyes so young
Pale blue eyes so far away
You tell me everything
And you know that I won’t tell on you
I’d give you anything
And I know that you won’t tell on me
Skin’s crawling as I
Try to call your rehab
To wish you Merry Christmas
No matter how many say
Baby you’re lost
Baby you’re a lost cause
I’ll still stay
So, you found a boy
He said “I'll never ever
Ever go away”
He said he'd always
Always he would always stay
The fishbowl souls have
Swum away to the rainbow
Run baby run
The red van caught us
Left the jokes bruised and broken
Screaming “She should have been a son”
Doesn’t it astound you how
Life can be so cruel?
Thinking, hoping, praying that
When we grow up
We’ll be stable
When we grow up
We’ll turn the tables
I know you keep asking
When’s he gonna come?
When’s he gonna spring?
He promised he would get you
So just lock your worries
Inside your heart shaped box
I’m slowly discovering
A friend in need’s
Better than
A friend with weed
Stay straight
You eat better when you’re
You sleep better when you’re
Stay straight for me
Like the Mad Hatter said
It’s always easier to take
More than nothing
Oooh, yeah, he wants to take you
Take you away from your life
Oooh, yeah, he wants to take you
Take you by the hand
You’re the girl, Miss World
Can’t look me in the eye
So sick you cannot try
Life is good when
We eat pancakes
With the Breakfast Club
And feel the dizziness like poison
As the ride violently spins
So tell me
Are you satisfied with Wonderland?
Expending all that energy
Fighting with your boyfriend
Is he the one you’ll marry?
Enjoy the Blankets
Craig was warm enough to
Draw the winter kiss
Tying the knot for something that lasts
A guy that’s high for life
He’s tripping, he was drifting
He was high on you
All that matters is
What makes you happy
Found out about the fishbowl souls
Their smug, sarcastic whispers
Showed me they never knew
Where true beauty lies
It took a year of college
To prove that they don’t love me
I think I’m paranoid
I must just be the one
To drive them home
Trying to find something real to hold on to
Your letters keep me going
There’s something in our unity
Forget humility
You have me and I have you
When people ask
Don’t you have someone
You’d die for?
Handmade flowers, candy hearts
Lip gloss, puppy dogs and hair berets
Oh Valentine,
You are what confuses me
About my sexuality
Be my Courtney Lover
I bet you ****
Like a Suicide Girl
Always telling me
You can’t sleep
Having bad dreams
So bad you threw your pillow away
Just take your pills to fall asleep
With your Hello Kitty
Purring in your arms
And dream that you’re invincible
I see your
Doll eyes
Doll mouth
Doll legs
Resting peacefully
Mary wanna play?
Mary wanna play?
Shotgun me again baby
Morbid giggles with
Laughing eyes
I dream we can live next door
One day too
Crying for the
Wounds that won’t seem to heal
I know you’re underjoyed
With no one comforting
Just remember
I’ve held your hand through all of these years
I watch you with this sorrow
Forgive you all this pain
You’re so temperamental darling
With your little disease
I just want you to be happy
All the letters still asking
Why do you love me?
It’s driving me crazy
Oh Valium
You were crazy long before
I loved you
You captivated me by your resonating light
Your poetry, Mary Janes, blood that drains
And trips down the rabbit hole
I am straight edge but
You are my drug
Trying my best not to forget
All manner of joy
All manner of glee
And our one heroic pledge
I’m drunk on apathy
I burned right out
Weeping for the
Child twice stolen from me
Four months sober
So proud of you
Always knew you could do it
He was good tonight
He cried tonight
I was quite surprised
Hush it’s ok,
Dry your eyes
Dry your eyes
No loneliness
No misery
You sound sick tonight
Baby
Did you forget to take your meds?
I fear the day
There’s nothing but
A restless wind
Inside my letter box
Tumbling blindly
As I wait for your reply
Nothing’s gonna change my world
So don’t die, don’t die, don’t die
Please don’t die


How could you do it?
How could you leave?
You still need to teach
Wind why she bleeds
My letters are left
With no one to read
Pure mourning
Taking over me
Give her my soul
And let them take somebody else
Scold me, failed her
If only I’d held on tighter
To her pale white skin that
Twisted and withered away from me
Desperately trying to find
A song to say goodbye
I’ll cherish all my misery alone
And I’ll wait
Staring at the Northern star
Choking through my sobs
To say
I heart you
Farewell the ashtray girl
Love always,
Trixie Troubleshooter

Wow, that's really clever...

I'm so sorry you've lost your friend :-(

*cuddles*
really good... cept sad and all mhm

I really like this. I'm sorry for your loss
PM me anytime x
*hugs*

These are good song lyrics too :) xx

this is so incredibly deep and beautiful and heartbreaking and woderfully written. i simply can't comprehend all the pain you must be feeling. there are tears running down my cheeks as i read this and i don't cry that esily. i'm so sorry for you :'(
xxx

i just went and emailed my old best friend that really really hurt me and that i haven't really been talking to for a long time, this poem relly brought me back down to earth. i think i always assumed she'd always be there and reading this showed me that i can never take advantage of that. i told her i'm sorry and that i love her.
sorry to blab on!

Thanks Jess, I'm glad it meant so much to you.

Been missing her so much.... No one else needs to comment I just felt the need to bump it. *sigh*

I just read your poem. I have never lost someone so dear to me. I lost someone, many people really lately, and not even people I cared so deeply about, and it still hurt like hell.
I don't know what it is to lose family, but I know what it is to have friends that are like family.
What you've written is heartbreaking and beautiful. It means a lot to me on so many levels I don't even understand.
Thank you.

Hey Tracie *snuggles*
I read this the other day too.
I didn't comment though I didn't want to bump it for you.
I hope you are okay.
I love you
xxxxx

thanks to you both. *hugs* I'm glad it meant a lot to you twisted mirrors.

hi im so sorry to hear you lost a close friend, i know that pain
i just wanted to say whay you wrote is very clever and also beautiful, its a strange balance of flowing so well yet jolting too (but that makes it work). much love and hugs xx

Miss you so much girl...can't believe it's been almost two years.

Absolutely amazing. I would love to hear this as a song.

And, I'm terribly sorry for your loss. </3

Thanks. It would be cool as a song, but I'm pretty sure it would be copyright infringement of a few dozen songs! Thanks again.

This is quite amazing. I love all the references to different songs.