I can't let go.
 

I'm so sorry to post here. I have had such a rough two years. I lost my husband at the beginning of the year. I was left to silently fester and had zero support from the people who should have looked out for me the most and I didn't think I'd make it to 2017. I am losing a very close friend to an aggressive illness. I am being worked into the ground with very little acknowledgement for how much it's hurting me, and I'm suffering in silence because I physically don't know how to ask for help.

I cry myself to sleep most nights. All that's happened this year has caused me to relive some awful stuff. I have so much in my mind that I cannot let go of. I thought I'd laid it all to rest, but everything has been kicked up in the drama of this year. I have to relive it every day and I don't want to keep torturing myself like this. The scars on my arms are physical reminders of a past I desperately want to move on from, but I just don't know how to. I just can't. I just feel so invisible. I feel desperate to tell someone what happened but I freeze and never know how.

I'm sorry. I guess I'm asking how I can just let go of these painful memories and feelings associated. I'm so tired. I just want to stop losing people. I can't afford the loss anymore.

I'm sorry I don't have anything more helpful to suggest right now, but have you considered seeing your GP to get a referral to the CMHT?

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and the surrounding lack of support. It is truly an awful and isolating feeling to be left alone with pain that big.

I am also sorry to hear about your friend.

As for reliving things, it makes sense that painful things will come back up and be thrown into the mix while other painful emotions are happening. Have you ever, in the past, been able to tell anyone about what happened that you are currently reliving?

In my experience, letting go of memories and the feelings unfortunately means speaking about them, processing them with support. I don't think the ever truly leave us but over time the rawness becomes a little more hardened, like a healing wound, if that makes sense.

If you struggle to tell someone what happened and you freeze, do you think maybe you could write it down and pass it on to a trusted person or medical professional? I've found that that way I know it's at least out there and I can't take it back and it's been done.

I wish I had more useful advice to give, but instead I will say that I am sorry you feel so alone with all of this. We see you and hear you here and acknowledge your pain.

Best wishes to you.