Try not to hurt yourself Nicole

*cuddles all*

bit late for that now, but im trying very hard not to do anything worse than just cut.

Please do...*cuddles*

I spy Mark & Laura

*Hugs Nicole* Try not to cut any worse , and look after the cut well, (Keep it clean) stating the obvious but worth mentioning I hope :S

*Hugs April*

*Hugs Helen*

i dont think i can keep myself alive much longer guys. i cant handle life anymore, i know what ive just done and i know that vanessa probably does like me but i got so paranoid i just pushed away a really good friend :(

We all push away friends, the true ones will always come back to you :) *cuddles tight* You can get through all this **** babe. You have your whole life ahead of to experience xxx

if my whole life is gonna feel like this i dont wanna experience it!

You won't darling *cuddles*

It doesn't sound like today is a very good day for most of us here :-/

*hugs nicole* sorry about your sister, that sounds very unfair of her to do. Try to not hurt yourself any worse and take care of the wound. And I agree with what helen said about having your whole life in front of you. It doesn't have to be like this forever, things can turn around.

*hugs mark* how r u doing? Oh and thanks for reading my r/v thread too. Sorry that you couldn't really understand it... sometimes poetry is hard to get i know.. means a lot that you read though

*cuddles helen* I wish i had words to make you feel better hun. I'm sorry that you've been feeling so low lately.

*hugs april* Job hunting can suck so badly/be very stressful. Just keep looking, sometimes things can fall into your lap unexpectedly. Sorry that jarrod gets frustrated with you about napping. Oh and thanks for reading my r/v and liking it :-) You should start writing again. you're r/v was pretty poetic today too. I liked it, although it was sad... but i guess i dont have much room to talk there :-/

*hugs felicia* sorry that you are triggered. Try not to do anything hun.

*hugs jill* I'm sure your life isnt messed up... and if it is.. it can always be fixed, don't give up on it.

*hugs jess* hope the doctors appointment goes okay. I know its a huge step to give up your blades.

I went and checked out my sister's uni for next year. It was nice to see where she is going to live i guess. Although there was more drama with her again :-/ not with me... between her and my mom but the yelling that goes on in my family can get so ridiculous sometimes. Anyway, just feeling low. Want to sleep... Why do i always want to sleep during the day and then at night i'm like totally awake... stupid insomnia.

*hugs everyone* thanks guys, am starting to calm down now and the urges are starting to go, sorry i was in such an awful mood :(

It's okay darling *cuddles* Don't think any of us are really in a good/happy mood at the moment =[

*cuddles helen and nicole*

*cuddles helen and laura*
thanks everyone, right, im gonna go get a bath and get into bed as ive gotta be up at 7 tomorrow, night ward.

*hugs you both*

Enjoy bath & bed Nicole xxx

Guhhh... :(

Sorry no individuals right now... could I just have some hugs? *is scared of asking* :-S

I'm just so pissed off about life right now. And a little suicidal, although I hate to admit it. :-X

Don't be scared to ask for hugs etc *cuddles you tight*

Sorry, so sorry... :(

*cuddles Hels* How are you, sweet? how come not in bed yet, not tired anymore?? Just wondering. :)

*hides away where no one can find her* :'(

Don't need to be sorry.
*cuddles April* Not that tired, but hoping to sleep soon. It's still 'early' for me =P (well it's 11.21pm)
*finds April and hudes with her*

*huggles everyone*

Sorry I've been so quiet lately. Been mostly lurking. Have been reading - but not up to replying/posting. So big apologies.

Feeling: edgy, anxious, suicidal, urgy, depressed and F.A.T at the moment

Have started having really strong urges towards: SH, suicide and ED - ana type in a really restrictive type way

I've told my housemate about some of what is going on, but I'm kind of hoping that some of it is just going to pass ... *sigh*

Anyway I'm talking about myself way too much.

*big cuddles to all on the ward who are struggling*

And I just want to say my PM Inbox is always open . . .

*cuddles Hels* Early for you, yes, lol, but not for me. I'll be taking a shower & heading to bed shortly.

*cuddles Kahlia* Hon, good to see you posting again. :) I'm sorry that you're feeling so many negative feelings at the moment, and also having a lot of urges. :( I wish that there were something that I could do.

A SQUEE!!! moment of the day was when we decided I could use $25 to buy a virtual "sparklepony" ("celestial steed") from the Blizzard store for WoW. Now ALL of my bajillion toons on WoW have the sparklepony - it's basically a Pegasus made of stars!! XD - and is a flying mount and a ground mount all in one. I am soo happy, lol. I know, nerdish moment, but oh well. :P

But now I'm back down to feeling low as I'm not doing stuff on WoW with Jarrod and "the gang" of guildies that we met in January IRL. I could've, I was invited, it's just that I turned it down cos the toon that would've been doing the instance/dungeon with them was my hunter, and I really didn't want to be a faily-hunter. :(

Anyway.

Sorry, that was like, all WoW. >_<

Oh and Kahlia, are you sure you don't play WoW? :P cos I met someone from Australia on my new server who has "Kah" in all of her toons' names and that's what everyone calls her... so I was just curious if you had a secret identity or something. ;)

Anyway. So sorry for rambling, and sorry for being needy, and just.......... sorry. :(

April: Nope, definitely not me. Not meaning to sound anti-WoW but I am anti-Wow in a strictly IT sense. I meet a lot of IT students who state that they are good at IT because "I play Wow". Usually they fail everything in 1st Year. It's good for relaxation, meeting new friends in different parts of the world, problem solving, and for the type of things RPGs generally give you, but it definitely doesn't mean you are necessarily good at IT. Oops, sorry that turned into a bit of a rant.

*hugs Hels, April and Kahlia*

god i'm just lying here crying, i can't cope in this body anymore its getting too much, i hate it hate it hate it.
sorry moaning and being pathetic arrggggggg

Lol, didn't think it was you, Kahlia, and it's okay that that turned into a bit of a rant. I would in no way say that I'm good at IT... rofl actually, I suck at anything when it comes to computers. Jarrod has gotten better at stats with it though, because it can be a very mathematical game, if you get to level-cap and have to worry about certain things. :) But yeah, I'd be anti-WoW in an IT-sense if I'd run across that as well... in fact, was anti-WoW for a long time because it took up so much of Jarrod's time & I wasn't into it. But anyway, just wanted to check. Thought it was really funny coincedence. :)

Erm yeh... *hides again* :-S

*hugs everyone*

Sorry its not more... i typed out all these individuals but I see that for some reason it didn't post... idk what happened.

*sets out extra special cuddle box*

*hides invisibly*

*hugs everyone*
I would do more, but I just can't.... self harmed today... whooo hooo, now I have to start all over again and come clean with my T and everything =/

*Gives hugs to everyone who wants needs them waves at others*

I don't know how to react I finally have a job. I miss the people I love and feel just blah! I am confused in my head not just emotionally but my head is playing a dangerous game. To say too much it isn't a nice place to be.

hi everyone

Arghh!!!! how can life be so unfair, just waiting for the sh*t to hit the fan now. We got to do somthing that a person will not like, that she fighting us on since this happened now we got no choice. Because she at seen as a danger to herself. Feel so mixed up got way to many thoughts running through my head not all good ones I'm breaking down and I can't need to be strong for my perents sake. Cries and rockes.

Jill: *offers huggles* Wish I could do more . . .
Julie: Hiya! How are you doing? *offers hugs*
Nicole (MID): Yay! Glad you got the job hun. Sorry to hear you are missing loved ones. I'm sure they are missing you too. Also sorry to hear that your head is not playing nicely. I hope things start to improve. *sends big, calming and supportive hugs*
Felicia: *hugs you* Sorry to hear you sh. Please take care of yourself first, then let the rest take care of itself. Sorry, I know that sounds stupid, but don't stress yourself about having to come clean to your t before your have to.
Laura: *finds you using my special anti-invisibility cloak and gives you a big cuddle* How are you doing sweetness?
April: *finds you with her special "April detector" and huggles you* You would probably (or maybe not) be surprised by how often you find the Wow thing when you're studying IT. Like seriously, it's freaky. Not to mention funny sometimes when you start talking to these supposed "IT specialists" about upgrading their computers. Seriously, sometimes that has me and my housemate in convulsions!! The upgrade their graphics card so that they can get "better resolution" but don't upgrade their monitor . . . so the monitor resolution combined with refresh rate etc is less than the graphics card so they've just wasted their money!! Oops, sorry didn't mean to start that on you. Hope you are doing okay.
Oliver: *hugs Oliver* How are you doing now hun? Any better?
Helen: *huggles you* Hope you are doing okay sweetheart.

To everyone I've missed: *offers hugs* How are you going? Hoping that you are doing okay.

Personally I'm not doing brilliantly. My head is not playing nicely and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. But I guess I'll get through because I always do. I just don't know how. *shrugs*

*cuddles everyone lots*

Sorry we're all still struggling =[

* Hugs Everyone*

Had a phone call this morning , well a message and I rang them back , my Lithium is being put up to 1200mg daily , which , typing it out looks a lot hmmm But I'm already on 1000mg so it's the smallest jump I can do I guess , I hope it knocks me out of this Numb/ low/ depression state. My P Doc didn't write me a perscription out though so I re-rang them to ask for one because I'd run out of Lithium otherwise :S

Sorry for lack of individuals , my head is racing , meds wise ,
Also , now I have to have weekly Lithium bloods taken , hmmm okay.

*Spots Helen and Hugs*

*spies Mark & Kahlia & glomps* :D

Sorry no individuals right now. I just got up, practically (well okay, did my morning stuff other than eating breakfast/taking meds, that'll come later), and am still kind of in a sleepy, out-of-it zone. :(

Feel really low. I hope Tegretol comes in the mail today... :-S If not I will have stopped trusting this whole mail-order meds thing cos they emailed me like a week ago saying they'd got my order, and on the order form I marked "next-day mail" - next business day - and so it SHOULD'VE arrived Monday or Tuesday... :'(

*hides invisibly with Laura, after using my detect-Laura sense to tell me where she was*

*Spots Kahlia(Up late) and April(Up Early) and hugs*

I hate the job centre so much, what gives them the right to think they can treat GOOD people **** and like they're timewasters??? *hides, screams and cries* I actually want to cut, but it's not ****ing worth it :'(

*Spots Jessica and Hugs* How are you ?

Oh Helen *Hugs* I'm sorry you were treated badly :( they really aren't worth cutting over though like you said , try to stay strong

*hugs Mark* I'm in tears, how pathetic...

*Huge Hugs for Helen* You're NOT pathetic , you're upset and rightly so if you've been treated badly by people in a position of authority *Hands over a tissue for the tears*

*hugs Mark* I'm alright. Really tired. I handed over my blades today. Not sure how I really feel about that yet.

*cuddles Helen* That's not pathetic at all.

Wow Jessica * Hugs* Handing over your blades is a huge step :) I'm a proud fellow wardie :)

Thanks Mark. *huggles* I can't believe I actually managed to go through with it.

I also got stuff sorted out with my math teacher (and hopefully the other teachers). I had my doctor write a letter for me and I took it to the school coordinator. She spoke to my math teacher and I ended up with an extra set of detailed notes and I can do the test I am behind on anytime this semester.

OOH thats good news about your teachers :)

*spies Oliver, Mark, & Jess, & glomps* :D

Jess, well done. Proud of you, love. That's a huge step and hopefully you have some (healthy) coping skills in place to do when you feel like you need need need to SI. That's a must (having the skills in place, I mean). *cuddles gently* As Mark said, it's a huge step... and maybe you'll be able to stay SI-free... :)

*cuddles Hels* Not pathetic at all, sweetie. I'd be crying over it as well, being treated like **** for no good reason at all. :( Is there anything I can do to help?? (Sorry, I know I always ask that, but... feels like there should be something I should be able to do to help!!... :( blah.)

*cuddles Mark* How are you doing, big bro?? Oh, and I wanted to say that I think it's awesome how you take the time to reply to people in here, individually... that takes some strength to be able to do, even if you don't think you're helping very much - I'm sure we would all disagree with that, hehe, cos I think you help a lot. :) Anyway, sorry, tangent.

*cuddles Laura* What's up, sweetie?

*cuddles Oliver* Are you feeling any better today??

I think I got everyone and if I missed someone, so sorry... :(

I'm meh. Just got off WoW and was having fun there... for about 3 hours, hah. >_< I love my new guild. And I love my sparklepony!! :P Anyway.

Still feel like **** and I'm not sure why. I just am so sick of life... and I don't see my therapist til the 9th... which means I have to waaaaaaaait to talk about being minorly suicidal and really low and sad. It might all just be because I am not taking much of a mood stabilizer anymore but that definitely doesn't mean it's not frustrating!! :(

Anyway. Ummm... what else... I don't know. :-X

*hides in the warren where no one can find her* :(

Thanks April *cuddles* To be honest, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do to cope. I figured I would come up with something. I've been doing pretty good at resisting urges over the last month and a half so I think I'll be okay.

*cuddles all*

Thank you guys. I had a shower and started feeling bit better but I'm ready to burst into tears again (didn't cry much that time). Meh meh meh. I hope I have my normal person next week, or this is going to be pure hell til I get a job :(

*curls up and hides*

Ughh.... *cries softly as she stumbles into the ward*

I feel like ****. I really do. I probably look like it too.

Why is it that suicidal ideation has become so ****ing NORMAL for me that all my husband does when I tell him I'm slightly suicidal is tell me that I'm "going to have to deal with it" myself??

:crying:

Updated my r/v.............

:crying:

*Humongous Hugs April*
I read your R/V thread.
I'm sorry that you feel that Jarrod doesn't care but I'm sure he would care should anything happen to you . He probably just hasn't made that clear .
Did your meds arrive yet ?

Cuddles everybody. Hmm today has being horrible from start to finsh. Plus everthing else going on I'm very close to breaking point.

I spy crimson and mark *cuddles*

*hugs april* I hope that your meds come in today. And with jarrod, do you think that maybe he has desensitized himself to your situation because it hurts too much to deal with? I have a hard time believing he has just given up on you b/c it seems like both you and him love each other very much. Just a thought, anyway, I'm sorry you have to wait so long to see your therapist, maybe she will be of some help with the suicidal ideation.. hopefully.

*hugs helen* I'm sorry that the job center is treating you so badly. It is not pathetic at all to be upset though.

*hugs mark* hope that the lithium change helps.

*hugs jill, nicole, and felicia*

*hugs kahlia* I wish things would settle down a little bit for you, it sounds like you are struggling a lot right now. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help.. Always here to listen though. Glad that you are at least talking to your housemate.

*hugs jess* Giving up your blades is such as huge step! and i'm glad things worked out with that teacher. Hopefully your urges won't get too bad. You can do this!

Struggling with suicide urges today... and the damn SI images that pop into my head randomly. I just want to be over this, and I keep looking backwards to things that have happened and almost re-living them. I know people aren't supposed to look back, and I keep telling myself to stop... but its not that easy.