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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 10-04-2019 02:05 PM

Don't know if they can help. Want help but don't think anyone can. I'm so tired of this.

one_step_closer 10-04-2019 03:22 PM

It's ok for them to see you tomorrow even if you think they might be of no help, it's worth a try. Especially after all the fighting for support you've been doing recently. Give them a chance. I understand the feeling that no one can help, the hopelessness and loneliness, but at least let them be there in whatever way they can. Is there anything specific that 'help' means to you right now?

nonperson 10-04-2019 08:46 PM

^ Was going to say something exactly along those lines. You don't know what they're going to say yet so don't give up hope.

chinahorse 11-04-2019 01:22 PM

Shall I ring htt and say the man wants me to cut? Is that what they help with?

tamobhuuta 11-04-2019 01:49 PM

I think it would be good to tell them x

chinahorse 11-04-2019 01:51 PM

I rang them. They said to stay busy until they come this afternoon.

Eska 11-04-2019 02:52 PM

Well done for calling. Do you think you will be able to stay busy, as they've suggested? I know you're having a low key day, are there some gentle things you can do?

chinahorse 11-04-2019 03:41 PM

I hoovered and went to the shop for laundry powder and did laundry and played with the cat again.

tamobhuuta 11-04-2019 03:43 PM

You're doing really well x

one_step_closer 11-04-2019 05:13 PM

Keep going Lillie, I know it's hard but you can get through this battle.

Stellata 11-04-2019 08:12 PM

Well done for reaching out. How's things now?

chinahorse 11-04-2019 08:12 PM

Thanks guys. Managed not to self harm yet. Have a tooth infection and leg infection and fibro is bad. I feel so low. Can't put it into words.

Stellata 11-04-2019 08:42 PM

Well done for not self harming. Sorry to hear about the infections, fibro and lowness.

tamobhuuta 12-04-2019 06:51 PM

Leaving hugs

one_step_closer 12-04-2019 07:05 PM

Be very kind to yourself please. You are going through so much. Keep fighting to not self harm too, you've been through enough. How are you today?

chinahorse 12-04-2019 07:24 PM

I went to work. Really shouldn't have. It highlighted how not fit to work I am right now.

one_step_closer 12-04-2019 07:26 PM

Will you be having some time off now or do you need to go back quickly?

chinahorse 12-04-2019 07:52 PM

I did have next week bpoked off but they've said I need to go in on monday

Buttons. 12-04-2019 08:04 PM

Sucks about Monday, but hopefully the rest of the week you can try and relax and regroup. Sorry things are so tough right now lovely.

chinahorse 13-04-2019 12:41 PM

I feel bad. Felt too low to go out to see a friend. Now htt will shout at me so I can't ring them for support. I don't think I need their support anyway because I'm just pathetic. My boss want me to confirm that I iwll be in work on Monday and I want to text back no.

Soft Kitty 13-04-2019 12:56 PM

It's okay that you didn't see your friend. It's also okay to text your boss and say no to Monday. Why will HTT shout at you? I understand that sometimes they want us to do things like go out, to enhance our recovery, but sometimes you know yourself best and you need to make decisions for your own self-care. If that means a pyjamas and rest day, then there's nothing wrong with that. You're not pathetic, you do definitely need their support. It sounds like your risks are really high at the moment. Please call them.

chinahorse 13-04-2019 01:53 PM

Ive text my boss that I need the time off ideally because I made plans when it was granted several weeks ago and that I need time away from work for my mental health.

tamobhuuta 13-04-2019 04:22 PM

*hugs* I think that was a good idea

one_step_closer 13-04-2019 04:33 PM

I'm glad you text your boss, well done. I hope they are understanding and allow you the full week off. Do you know what you're going to be doing with your time next week? Will htt still be supporting you?

chinahorse 13-04-2019 08:05 PM

Am trying to decide if I should go back on aripiprazole.

Next week I have the vets, drs, hospital and a new sofa being delivered.

I don't know what the plan with htt is. They seem to be taking it slow with me which is ok.

chinahorse 14-04-2019 10:00 AM

Thought I'd let you guys know I've woken up feeling a fair bit better. Am hungry. Have some energy and my mood isn't horribly low. And I've decided to go back on aripiprazole.

tamobhuuta 14-04-2019 11:44 AM

:) I hope the day continues well. I hope you can start the aripiprazole quickly.

one_step_closer 14-04-2019 06:53 PM

I'm glad things have been more positive and I hope the Aripiprazole and other support is useful. Have you seen HTT today?

Stellata 14-04-2019 08:11 PM

I hope the start back on Ari helps.

chinahorse 17-04-2019 08:10 PM

I only got the aripiprazole today.

The man is bad. I need to self harm. I feel low.

tamobhuuta 17-04-2019 08:14 PM

Don't SH, give the new med a chance. *hugs if wanted *

chinahorse 18-04-2019 11:13 AM

I didn't self harm. I called htt instead and sobbed on the floor.
They called me this morning to see how I am. I'm tired and very low. They said it's ok to have a quiet day and to call of I need them.

tamobhuuta 18-04-2019 01:51 PM

They are right, well done for phoning them.

chinahorse 18-04-2019 05:50 PM

I feel like people hate me and don't want to help me because of my diagnosis.

tamobhuuta 18-04-2019 05:52 PM

I don't hate you. I want to help. I understand how a diagnosis can get in the way.

Stellata 18-04-2019 08:09 PM

I don't hate you either.

one_step_closer 19-04-2019 02:22 PM

I also don't hate you but can totally understand the diagnosis thing. It's not fair. Not everyone is judgemental though and I hope you can find those people in your life.

chinahorse 19-04-2019 10:00 PM

Thank you all.

Sorry I'm so pathetic. How do I make myself get better?

one_step_closer 20-04-2019 07:07 PM

You're not pathetic at all. I don't think anyone can really 'make' themselves better, it takes time and kindness and support. What kind of better do you want right now?

Eska 20-04-2019 07:39 PM

Late to the Lillie appreciation party but I don't hate you! I think you are an awesome person and it's lovely having you around.

You're not pathetic.

chinahorse 22-04-2019 02:27 PM

Thank you all so much. Very nice of you guys.

Im ok today I think. Low but ok. Just worried I'm being lazy and aren't ill physically or mentally.

I'm really worried about work tomorrow. And seeing my psychiatrist and future therapist on Wednesday. Terrified she will say I'm too high risk for therapy. But I've always been high risk, it's kind of something you have to accept about me.

I don't know what to say about meds

one_step_closer 22-04-2019 02:32 PM

I don't think you're being lazy, you obviously struggle with a lot of symptoms and you keep going for most of the time which is most definitely not lazy. Some people wouldn't do the things you do even if they had no physical or psychological struggles at all.

What worries you about work? Are there things that will make it even a little easier?

Are you still taking your meds? I thought you were finding them helpful?

I hope it goes well on Wednesday, I guess all you can do is be honest and put your points across. You deserve support, and I hope something suitable can be sorted for you.

chinahorse 22-04-2019 04:48 PM

Thank you <3

Work is very full on. At the moment I need a rest after showering let alone running around all day. And I'm worried I will have forgotten everything. And I feel guilty for not doing any studying.

I am finding the meds helpful but I don't want to be on 2 antidepressants, 3 painkillers, an antipsychotic and a stomach med. It seems like way too many. It is way too many.

chinahorse 22-04-2019 06:55 PM

Really struggling to stay safe from self harm.

tamobhuuta 22-04-2019 07:01 PM

I believe you can get through this. It's hard but keep fighting. Is there anything in particular making you want to SI?

chinahorse 22-04-2019 07:14 PM

Im so scared of work tomorrow.

tamobhuuta 22-04-2019 07:24 PM

How come?

chinahorse 22-04-2019 07:39 PM

Physically I don't think I can do it with how my fibromyalgia is right now. I'm stupidly anxious even leaving the house right now, never mind being a responsible person all day and having to people for 9 hours. And I'm stupidly scared I've forgotten everything.

tamobhuuta 22-04-2019 07:53 PM

That is scarey. In your heart of hearts do you think it is more helpful for you to go to work or take sick leave?

one_step_closer 22-04-2019 07:54 PM

I think lots of people have similar worries when going back to work, how can you safely get some peace from your anxiety? Tomorrow will come and you can deal with it when it does. You can only do what you're capable of. I don't think you will have forgotten everything but it's ok to need a refresher. Please be honest with people if you need a bit of a break or are struggling.

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