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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 02-12-2019 08:11 PM

Why ruin my brother relationship with her too? If ignorance keeps him happy then ignorance it is.

I cant describe it. I sont know know how. I just coming out as I want to die thoughts.

one_step_closer 02-12-2019 08:20 PM

I think I can understand that, a lot of my feelings get blurred or overwhelming and just seem to be 'I want to die.' It sounds like you have a lot to deal with so no wonder you want everything to stop. Are you still seeing your CPN tomorrow?

chinahorse 02-12-2019 08:22 PM

Yeh. No support worker though.

one_step_closer 02-12-2019 08:24 PM

Do you think you'll be able to talk through some of the things you're feeling?

chinahorse 02-12-2019 08:35 PM

Dont want to. Want to overdose.

chinahorse 02-12-2019 08:37 PM

Sorry. That's unhelpful.

Auror. 02-12-2019 09:13 PM

I get not wanting to talk about what's going on. It can be really hard when you feel so overwhelmed. Do you think even though you don't want to talk about it, you'll at least try to?

chinahorse 02-12-2019 10:03 PM

Cant do this cant xant xant trying to be happy and nor.al and message people and make them laugh but I'm so upset

Auror. 02-12-2019 10:39 PM

You're allowed to be upset. You don't have to try to be happy if you're not.

one_step_closer 03-12-2019 03:48 PM

Would these people listen to you if you were honest about how you're feeling rather than trying to make them laugh? You don't need to keep doing what you think it right for other people, they can do what is right for you too.

chinahorse 05-12-2019 12:20 AM

This life is just damned impossible.

one_step_closer 05-12-2019 11:09 AM

What's happening?

chinahorse 05-12-2019 07:01 PM

Everything is rubbish. Nothing ever gets solved or fixed. And I'm so sick of being cold. Not just chilly,so cold I'm shivering in my own fucking house. Where I dont even have a working toilet right now.

chinahorse 06-12-2019 03:06 PM

Am very very triggered by being back at the burns unit for an appointment.

one_step_closer 06-12-2019 04:15 PM

How do you manage being triggered, are there things you can do to lessen the feelings? It would be difficult if the burns unit kept triggering you and then you burned and had to go back for longer and got stuck in that cycle. Please focus on your healing rather than harming.

I'm sorry there are so many things going on for you right now and I hope that things do get fixed. It's hard when everything seems to be going wrong all at once or one after the other.

chinahorse 06-12-2019 04:18 PM

Ignore it till it goes away or act on it. Am in a limbo where I can do neither as I'm travelling home.

one_step_closer 06-12-2019 04:21 PM

Maybe the journey will lessen the intensity of the urges. Can you think about what you might do when you get home to keep yourself occupied? I know it's hard to keep ignoring things like that but I really do think it is the best idea and I believe you can get through this safely.

Moonlight Princess 10-12-2019 05:33 PM

How have you been doing over the past few days Lillie?

chinahorse 10-12-2019 05:54 PM

Dunno.
Am hungry, tired, lonely and scared.

chinahorse 13-12-2019 10:58 AM

How do you ask for help? Who do you ask for help. What even is 'help'?

I'm not majorly suicidal. Just have a sense of unease that things aren't good. At the beginning of being very not good. Someone I trust explicitly said that they're concerned.

one_step_closer 13-12-2019 12:13 PM

Can you contact your CPN and see what they suggest? It would be good if you could contact them today in case you need something put in place for over the weekend. It's good that you recognise that things aren't great and hopefully you can prevent them from getting worse if you get the right kind of support.

chinahorse 13-12-2019 01:12 PM

Cant contact the cmht until things are very bad. That's the arrangement I have with them.

one_step_closer 13-12-2019 01:34 PM

That sounds like a really ridiculous rule. What do they suggest you do before contacting them? I think you should try contacting them anyway and they can advise you on what to do if they're not agreeing to offer you extra support at the moment.

chinahorse 13-12-2019 09:04 PM

Cant cope tonight.
Done some semi dangerous shit.
Dont want this stupid existence anymore.
It hurts. Everything fucking hurts.

Moonlight Princess 13-12-2019 09:15 PM

Lillie does that semi dangerous stuff need an ambulance?

chinahorse 13-12-2019 09:17 PM

No

.....................

Moonlight Princess 13-12-2019 09:20 PM

Okay, so what exactly is happening for you right now?

chinahorse 13-12-2019 09:27 PM

I'm cold. I'm really fucking cold.
Toilet has been broken for over a week and wont be fixed until Monday at the earliest.
I'm hungry but throw up every time I eat.
Im in stupid amounts of physical pain from the fibromyalgia.
GP didnt say anything to help with either of the above. Said wait until monday when I see the psychiatrist. For blood result he ordered. A lab test will not fix either problem.
Reason I stopped meds weeks ago is still happening. So I'll probably get an endocrinologist referral. And have to live with horrible problem for months until that happens.
Cat is being a naughty piece of shit.
Council meant to send me a form on monday. Hasn't arrived.
PIP assessment on the 20th. I need it because I cant afford to live otherwise.
Cant afford to live in general.
People dont understand how stressed I am and upset I am because I cant even afford rent and bills let alone food.
Man is interfering with my post and making notes on my movements. Cant go out when its sunny because the shadows report back to him. Missed support worker meeting (well cancelled it because I'm not an inconsiderate arsehole) and theyve sent me a new appointment for freaking January.
My auntie said nasty things to me. I'm the only person in the entire family that tries to stay in touch with her and shes nasty to me.

Moonlight Princess 13-12-2019 09:52 PM

Okay wow that's a lot and I wish I could hurry up those medical appointments for you. Did you cancel the support worker appointment because you're worried about the shadows reporting, and if so does the support worker know that? Stuff with the Man sounds worse right now, is it? What's going on with the endocrinologist referral? Do you know if it's in the pipeline because has stuff with The Man been worse since you had to stop taking them? Can you eat stuff such as soup or are you not able to keep that down either?

chinahorse 13-12-2019 10:02 PM

Yes I cancelled it for that reason. Never met the support worker before. CPN rang for a practical reason a few days later and didn't ask. CPN was meeting me with support worker.

Man is worse.

Endocrinology or not depends on prolactin level. Which I find out Monday.

Do I know if what's in the pipeline?

What I can eat varies. For no good reason food will be slightly imperfect and then I'm so disgusted by it that I vomit.

one_step_closer 14-12-2019 03:35 PM

Do you see your CPN sooner than January or are you seeing them both in January? I think it's reasonable to phone your CPN for advice of what to do over the Christmas period and while things are difficult for you. Or even see your GP if you can.

chinahorse 14-12-2019 05:29 PM

Gp is a twat.

See psychiatrist monday.

See CPN Friday cos shes coming to PIP assessment with me.

one_step_closer 14-12-2019 06:47 PM

How do you get on with the psychiatrist? Do you think you can be honest about how things are?

chinahorse 14-12-2019 08:24 PM

He wont ask.om going for a blood test result and thats it.

Buttons. 14-12-2019 08:32 PM

If he doesn’t ask would you feel able to try and tell him? Even if you are going for the blood test alone it might be worth a shot explaining how dire things are feeling and that the other day you in your words did semi Dangerous shit which in my view probably actually means Damgerous.

I’m sorry things are so crummy right now you don’t deserve all this shit.

I know it’s exhausting and might feel pointless but could you try to explain to cpn/support worker the shadow issue so that perhaps together you might be able to find. Way round it eg them meet you first time at home?

chinahorse 14-12-2019 09:58 PM

If he doesnt ask he doesnt want to know.

If CPN asks I will tell her.

Greyscale 15-12-2019 12:06 AM

It might be worth asking them if that's the case - I've had providers who expect me to bring things up myself if it's important to me to discuss them, as well as providers who will proactively ask. The ones who expected me to bring things up did still care, it's just they used a patient-directed approach in the sense that we talked about what I felt was important to talk about, so if I wanted to get support for something with those people I needed to say it first. I know it may seem like they don't care if they don't ask, but they might just practice in a framework that doesn't involve asking a lot.. so it might be worth finding out if that's the case at least, and if it is, maybe asking if they'd still be able to ask you if you find it easier to answer than bring stuff up yourself

Buttons. 15-12-2019 08:46 AM

Greyscale speaks wise words

one_step_closer 16-12-2019 01:59 PM

I hope you will discuss with your psychiatrist whatever you think is important. This is your treatment. <3

chinahorse 16-12-2019 03:49 PM

Prolactin level is even higher.

Didnt really listen to much else.

Some discussion about restarting sertraline anyway.

Got up and walked out and went home.

Cut.

Sleep on the sofa with bertie.

I give up.

one_step_closer 16-12-2019 03:55 PM

I'm sorry the appointment wasn't a great one. Was it you who didn't listen to much else or the psych who didn't listen to much else? (Or both of you?) How do you feel about restarting Sertraline?

I know it all seems overwhelming and hopeless but please don't give up. It's ok to take a break from fighting, in a safe way, to regain your energy but please do keep fighting for what you need when you're able to.

Are your cuts needing looked at?

I'm glad you have Bertie, does anything else soothe you at the moment?

chinahorse 16-12-2019 04:02 PM

Both.
Not restarting anything.
No MIU anymore.
No. Bertie is everything.

one_step_closer 16-12-2019 04:56 PM

Do you not feel like you have a good therapeutic relationship with the psych? Will you talk to your CPN on Friday if you have time?

chinahorse 16-12-2019 06:26 PM

I have no relationship with him.

one_step_closer 16-12-2019 08:03 PM

How do you get on with your CPN?

chinahorse 16-12-2019 09:27 PM

Shes ok.

one_step_closer 17-12-2019 12:52 PM

Will you have some time to talk to her on Friday?

chinahorse 17-12-2019 06:29 PM

Really cant cope with the PIP assessment.

Bellatrix 17-12-2019 07:11 PM

Have you got medical help? I saw your rv

chinahorse 17-12-2019 07:35 PM

We have been through this before. I can not afford literally so to get medical help in the evenings. Not that it's necessary at this point.

I'm worried so much about the PIP assessment.


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