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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 28-11-2019 02:10 PM

I'm never going to get better or back to where I was functionality wise in Plymouth.

I am so sad.

one_step_closer 28-11-2019 04:13 PM

I don't think there is no hope of you functioning better, but it can be a slow process and I know that's often frustrating and disheartening. I'm really glad you didn't OD. Did you stop the meds because of medical advice? Being in pain is not good, it can't be helping with how you're feeling emotionally.

chinahorse 28-11-2019 05:16 PM

I'm not getting better. Just worse and worse. Theres no point anymore. None.

I stopped because I've been lactating for MONTHS and its bloody ridiculous that medical people think that's okay. If I was a man no matter how slight the lactation was they'd have all been beside themself and sorted it. But no. I'm female and its 'a minor case'. Fuck them. I was also very very angry on the new med. So I stopped 3 meds that have side effects of lactation, 1 of which was the new med.

Auror. 28-11-2019 06:20 PM

Sometimes harm management/reduction is a really important tool. If that's what it took to not od, then it sounds like that was right for you in the moment.

I hear you about lactating, that does sound awful. Do you think once it stops maybe you'll consider restarting a med or two if you think they might help with pain or other issues?

one_step_closer 28-11-2019 06:41 PM

I'm sorry you feel like there's no point and you can only see things getting worse. I really hope that even something very small happens that allows you to feel some hope.

Side effects of meds can be really awful. Will you speak to someone about possible alternatives?

chinahorse 28-11-2019 07:03 PM

Meh. I don't think I'll live long enough to start meds and see if they don't cause it. I'm trying to decide if sying before christmas is selfish if I've already bought most of the gifts and could leave them wrapped with name tags?

chinahorse 28-11-2019 08:07 PM

Cant do this. Stressed. No way out. Am pointless. Worthless. Failure.

Auror. 28-11-2019 08:18 PM

What can you do right now to try to stay calm and safe? What's Bertie up to?

chinahorse 28-11-2019 08:22 PM

Doing crochet. Keeps hands busy.

Bertie is in the kitchen.

chinahorse 28-11-2019 09:11 PM

My mum called.
'Are you ever going to be able to function again or will you be like this forever'
'Its such a shame that job would be so good for you'
'You didnt tell me you were feeling like that about the job's
'Well you need to get financially solvent'

Were the nice things she said to me.
I DID explicitly tell her that I was terrified of the job and not feeling good about it. I called her out on it
She said oh well you must have explained it very well. I used the words petrified and terrified.
I just told her in detail why I didnt go to the job so telling me how good it would be is ahit are you not listening to anything I said?!
Money is such a HUGE concern for me that I'm not sleeping etc because of it. I cant get financially solvent eifht now and saying shit like that stresses me out even more.

I'm not explaining very well but she makes me feel hideous. I feel like death is my only way out.

chinahorse 28-11-2019 09:11 PM

I don't want to keep going.

Bellatrix 29-11-2019 01:05 AM

Does your council offer crisis grants? Some have a fund to give to those who are at risk of food poverty, debt and homelessness. It's supposed to be a stop gap while other support is in place. Dunno if it's an option for you.

chinahorse 29-11-2019 07:54 PM

And I'm not eligible for anything they do fund.

Auror. 29-11-2019 08:12 PM

I can really relate to your struggles both with your mother and with money.

I know things are hard, and I'm sorry I don't have better words. But I have read and I care.

chinahorse 29-11-2019 09:14 PM

Thank you.

chinahorse 30-11-2019 01:47 PM

How do you stop having emotional reactions and feeling things?

nonperson 30-11-2019 02:22 PM

As much as that seems like a solution, it's really not. And probably not even possible. Having emotion is (unfortunately) what makes us human and is actually a pretty wonderous thing to be able to feel things deeply (usually positive things, that is).

I think the real question is how do you learn to control, lessen and react to those negative emotions? I don't know the answer to that though. =/

chinahorse 30-11-2019 05:49 PM

I'm sure normal people don't scream and cry so loud that their neighbour knocks on their door cos they broke a tiny piece off a 3 year old plastic star that goes on top of the Christmas tree though.

And I have multiple episodes like that every day over equally minor things.
Its exhausting. And I am cold.

one_step_closer 30-11-2019 06:51 PM

It is exhausting to be so emotional, to feel things so intensely. I can relate although I don't outwardly express things much. When you're in that place do you recognise that you're reacting in a huge way? Enough to question yourself and try and calm things a bit? Has anyone ever supported you to manage your emotions? I'm not sure how to go about it, sorry. I know that things can hurt so much and I'm sorry that you feel that extreme pain too.

chinahorse 30-11-2019 07:00 PM

I realise im being stupid and that makes it even worse because I cant calm down anyway even though I know i. being idiotic.

chinahorse 30-11-2019 08:39 PM

I'm seriously closing to overdosing. The amount of tablets I have will kill me. No I cant get rid of them because I need them for the reason they are prescribed. Will someone come 'be' with me?

nonperson 30-11-2019 09:20 PM

I'm here for company if you're still around?

Soft Kitty 30-11-2019 09:25 PM

I'm also here. If you're very close to ODing, please know it's okay to seek help. It's important that you have support to feel safe in such desperate times. If that doesn't feel like an option, is there anything you can do which is safe to feel more comfortable until tomorrow?

chinahorse 30-11-2019 09:29 PM

Theres no where to get help from.

Soft Kitty 30-11-2019 09:36 PM

You can go to A&E if you're feeling at risk? The crisis team there should be able to assess you. Are you allowed to call the crisis team without going to A&E? I know it's different for different areas.

chinahorse 30-11-2019 09:37 PM

Am trying to crochet and cuddle the cat and take the piss out of x factor outfits. Cant though cos I'm shivering and crying too much to be coordinated

chinahorse 30-11-2019 09:37 PM

Cant get to A and E. Theres no buses. Cant afford the bus even if there was one.

Soft Kitty 30-11-2019 09:39 PM

That sounds like such a difficult and painful place to be. You're trying so hard, and have been for so long, but I wonder if now is the time to get crisis help. Things won't always be this horrible, but that's hard to see right now.

nonperson 30-11-2019 09:39 PM

Could someone take you there?

Soft Kitty 30-11-2019 09:39 PM

How about calling 111 and telling them how bad things are? They might be able to know what to do.

chinahorse 30-11-2019 09:40 PM

No one to take me anywhere.

Calling 111 wont achieve anything.

Soft Kitty 30-11-2019 09:45 PM

I imagine they get a few calls from people who are suffering with mental health difficulties and will have a plan in place. I don't have experience of calling them for mental health problems so I can't talk you through that, but it seems it might be worth a try?

I know my local crisis team will call a taxi for people to get to A&E if they can't. I'm not sure if this would be possible for you so I'm just throwing out ideas.

Otherwise, I do understand if reaching out doesn't feel possible. Sometimes it can feel like it will make things worse (I still advocate for giving it a go, though). Cuddling Bertie sounds like a good idea, have you had anything to eat this evening?

chinahorse 30-11-2019 10:00 PM

I don't want to waste their time. Or mine.

I cant even reach my foot to scratch it because I cant straighten my arm because of the burn scar. I cant even scratch my bloody foot

chinahorse 30-11-2019 10:00 PM

I had scrambled egg on toast

Unbreakable. 30-11-2019 10:52 PM

I'm sorry you're struggling so much.

Scrambled egg on toast sounds good :)

Bellatrix 30-11-2019 11:10 PM

How are you doing?

chinahorse 01-12-2019 12:19 AM

Very low. Planning when I can OD. Worst case scenario I do it and go to hospital at least its warm and they'd feed me for a few days. Best case scenario I die.

Bellatrix 01-12-2019 02:26 PM

Please go to the hospital. Don't OD. Tell them you are unsafe. If you can't afford the bus, call for an ambulance. You have every right to call one and you'd deserve that because your life is in danger. Call for help love x

one_step_closer 01-12-2019 02:48 PM

Are you feeling any better today? I'm glad you got through last night and I think you can keep going even though it might not feel like it. If you are in serious need of help then please phone 111 or 999. Is there someone you can contact tomorrow from the CMHT?

chinahorse 01-12-2019 03:09 PM

How I feel changes seemingly second by second.

Am seeing con and meeting a support worker Tuesday morning so not really a point in calling tomorrow.

nonperson 01-12-2019 03:12 PM

I think recognising that your moods change so rapidly is a good thing and that you could use that to remind yourself that feelings do pass. It might help to avoid being impulsive when having a particularly low moment?

chinahorse 01-12-2019 03:13 PM

That is true.

one_step_closer 01-12-2019 03:15 PM

I agree with NP although I know it is so difficult when you're immersed inside a powerful emotion. I used to have a computer wallpaper that said something like 'this feeling will pass, use coping list to get through' and I had a list of things to do to try and manage/distract. Is that something you could maybe try?

If you need to phone them tomorrow it's ok to do that even though you're seeing them on Tuesday. I hope you can express how things are for you on Tuesday and they offer you some useful support. Would it help to prepare things for Tuesday?

Edit: It said 'You can get through this it just takes time. See coping list to work through it.'

chinahorse 02-12-2019 07:35 PM

I'm in a very odd unbalanced place and I dont know what to do.

one_step_closer 02-12-2019 07:39 PM

Can you explain a bit more about how you're feeling?

chinahorse 02-12-2019 07:47 PM

QJust had a major showdown with my mother. It's the end of my relationship with her.

I'm happy and relieved but ashamed that I am a bad daughter. And worried about my relationship with my brother now.

chinahorse 02-12-2019 07:48 PM

I'm drinking many cups of tea because I dont know how to cope.

one_step_closer 02-12-2019 07:52 PM

Why do you think you're a bad daughter? Relationships are about more than one person, whatever's going on it needs your Mum to be doing something too. It sounds like things are difficult with your Mum a lot of the time and maybe you just need some space, or maybe it will be a longer term thing. Try not to worry too much about what the future might hold. Tea is good if it helps even a little, what are the things you feel you need to be coping with? What are your worries about your relationship with your brother?

chinahorse 02-12-2019 07:58 PM

Because it's not natural to tell your mother she no longer exists to you anymore.

I want to overdose and sleep. Because I cant deal with feelings.

He always sides with mother. Because I've never told him or dad or anyone in the family about the things she does and says to me and only me.

one_step_closer 02-12-2019 08:06 PM

I don't think that's an unreasonable response when you're not being treated well by her.

What feelings are you having, can you put them into words? Are there no soothing things you could try?

Maybe if your brother knew how your Mum makes you feel he would understand.

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