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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 12-11-2019 03:15 PM

Thank you. But what I said to my job centre lady sums it up. I don't expect to be alive much longer. Not morbid. Just the honest truth.

Cafes cost money. And the library is very very quiet.

I'm not sure I have anything much to offer. And if I manage to get myself to a volunteer position I'd be too anxious to be any use.

Badly badly want to go buy things to burn with. Burn more. Burn better.

one_step_closer 12-11-2019 03:19 PM

Please don't cause yourself any more harm, remember how upsetting it was before when you realised the damage you had done? If you need some support please keep asking for it, don't take any drastic actions. Do you know what you want to say at your appointment with the CC? Maybe you could try and prepare for that.

You've managed well with work despite all the things you were going through at the time. I think if you found a voluntary position in an area that you're interested in you might feel more relaxed and get some enjoyment from it.

chinahorse 12-11-2019 03:24 PM

The cmht here only think I'm struggling if I harm. The psychiatrist himself said so. So I can't call them and ask for help.

The appointment is to make a crisis plan. Which have never been any use to me and are a paper exercise.

There's nothing local that I'm interested in where ypu can volunteer at. You can't volunteer in dentistry either.

one_step_closer 12-11-2019 03:28 PM

You can still call and ask for help, please don't self harm to try and get help.

Would you say if you think the crisis plan isn't going to be useful? Maybe they will be able to ask you about what a crisis looks like for you so that they stop thinking that you're only struggling if you harm yourself.

Is there a volunteering website you can look at for your area?

tiptoes 12-11-2019 06:30 PM

You didn't get yourself into this situation. You are living with a mental health condition without support. This is not on you.

It is a credit to you how much energy you put into trying as hard as you do.

Is there anyone you could video call?

I'm sorry you are lonely, I understand I do. It's horrible when you have no human interactions. Try to bring it up with the CC, they might have ideas, being lonely is going to feed into crisis. (my phone auto correct lonely to lovely which you totally are!)

Sorry I have no real advice x

chinahorse 13-11-2019 07:38 PM

I will tell her if the crisis plan is shit.

Love a bit of autocorrect!

I'm struggling to cope today. I just don't see the point in living anymore.

chinahorse 13-11-2019 09:37 PM

I want permission to end my life.

Auror. 13-11-2019 10:30 PM

I don't think anyone is going to give you permission to do that. We could get into a lot of trouble for that, as could professionals. I'm sorry you are struggling so much today. I see how hard you are trying. Is there anything support wise we could offer you? How's Bertie doing?

chinahorse 14-11-2019 02:45 AM

I can't do this. I can't. Just watching bertie sleep. Soothing.

Auror. 14-11-2019 03:12 AM

I am glad you and Bertie have each other. If that is soothing, just focus on that for now. That sounds like a really good thing. <3

chinahorse 14-11-2019 07:17 PM

Don't want to live anymore. It's too hard. I feel so horrid.

one_step_closer 15-11-2019 12:06 PM

I hear you, life can be such a struggle. What specifically is difficult right now and can you think of anything that would make things less difficult even if those things seem impossible right now?

chinahorse 15-11-2019 12:39 PM

I've rang the cmht and waiting on them to call me back.

Money would help, having support would help, my stupid mother fucking off and leaving me alone more would help, people lowering their expectations would help.

one_step_closer 16-11-2019 04:46 PM

Did the CMHT get back to you?

Those sound like reasonable things to want, but it might be hard to get them since most of them involve changing how other people think and what they offer. Hopefully you will be able to get some support though, did you see your CC this week or is that next week?

chinahorse 16-11-2019 06:13 PM

My cc rang back and met me later that afternoon. It was good to talk to someone. She seems quite nice. She's going to ask a support worker to contact me so we can go through benefit stuff together. She also wants me to read a book. And offered food bank vouchers. Meeting her again next week. She also wanted me to try to see my dad this weekend. But I didn't feel up to doing it today.

She is going to be evidence for my PIP assessment.

My baby bertie was off colour this morning too which worried me and I didn't want to leave him alone.

I've felt ok ish today. Mood is falling now

chinahorse 16-11-2019 06:18 PM

Falling as in suicidal falling.

one_step_closer 16-11-2019 08:05 PM

Does your mood usually dip in the evening/what do you think has caused you to feel lower? It sounds like you could potentially have some good support there. How is Bertie now? Cats/any loved ones can be such a worry.

chinahorse 16-11-2019 08:40 PM

My mood has been dropping off a cliff in the evenings. It's like I've used up all my cope through the day. And the loneliness hits hard.

Bertie seems fine now thank you.

one_step_closer 17-11-2019 11:34 AM

I can relate to that a lot, I'm not really sure what to suggest other than lots of activity/distraction, communicating on here or with other people who you are in touch with, maybe planning for the following day and reminding yourself that the evening will pass. Be very kind to yourself, I know it's so horrible to be low and suicidal.

chinahorse 18-11-2019 06:35 PM

I'm trying my best but it's hard.

I feel very irritable and am in danger of burning. I'm distracting with tv and chocolate and will do crochet.

nonperson 18-11-2019 06:54 PM

Well done on the distracting. Chocolate is especially a good distraction and you deserve the treat. =)

Something make me think of a previous post of yours where you said the skin graft would be like a clean slate. Is thinking about that a way to help you avoid burning again?

one_step_closer 18-11-2019 07:02 PM

Are there things that make you laugh? That can be useful when you're feeling irritated I find. I'm glad you're trying to distract yourself, keep going.

chinahorse 18-11-2019 07:59 PM

The graft would have been a clean slate if it was healed. I'm very much a I've already got dressings and wounds so what difference do more make kind of person.

I laughed yesterday foe the first time in a long time.

My mum randomly turned up. I'm sick of her doing that and sick of her all together. How hard is it to send a text at lunch saying you intend to come around after work? !

nonperson 18-11-2019 08:11 PM

It's still healing though and already inconvenient enough so another wound would make things worse. I do know what you mean by 'what difference does it make' though.

I'm glad you laughed. =)

Ergh, yes it's common courtesy to send a message before turning up. Has she gone now?

chinahorse 18-11-2019 08:22 PM

Meh. I just NEED to burn. Do more damage. Then it will be enough.

She has finally gone. Though she told me to 'just turn the heaters on'. I mean I'm being offered food bank vouchers by multiple organisations but sure I'll just turn the heating on. *eyeroll*

I fucking hate being me. Burn until there is nothing left.

chinahorse 21-11-2019 03:13 PM

Being at the burns unit is so triggering.

one_step_closer 22-11-2019 01:56 PM

Why do you need 'enough' damage? You have hurt yourself so much already and I don't think you need or deserve any more pain. Can you try and focus on helping your burns heal and helping your mind recover? I know it's hard but getting stuck in a pattern of self harm is dangerous and won't really achieve anything.

chinahorse 22-11-2019 10:25 PM

I am evil. And I need to absorb the evil. Burning absorbs evil. Protects people I care about.

I can hear the man again.

I've been distracting. It's got overwhelming and I'm so anxious and agitated so I've got into bed my safe place.

chinahorse 22-11-2019 10:40 PM

The man says to kill myself. And let bertie out the door to fend for himself.

one_step_closer 23-11-2019 12:31 PM

I'm not sure how burning would absorb evil, there are better and more realistic ways to look after the people you care about. No one can truly protect people either because people have their own autonomy etc. I can understand why you'd think these things and how distressed you are with the man though. I don't think anything the man has ever said has been useful advice. Bertie needs you. How did you manage through the night? Do you have things you can do today? Are you still finding evenings the most difficult time?

Pi.R^2 24-11-2019 07:46 PM

Has the man ever said anything that is true or helpful? Those would be my criteria for helping to decide whether to listen to what someone says or not.

chinahorse 25-11-2019 02:50 PM

Donald Trump has never said anything good or useful and people still listen to him?

I want to die. I really am sick of living now. It's too hard. I feel every emotion so intensely and I cant seem to cope with anything. I keep getting so angry at things and in a rage.

I'm doing the right things. I made plans to see people at the weekend and stuff. I still feel terrible.

The new job starts tomorrow and I'm beyond terrified of it. I've only done it mostly because of pressure on me to get a job.

I don't want to live. Nothing is ok. Everything keeps getting worse. I'm so fed up of being distressed.

one_step_closer 25-11-2019 07:08 PM

What's happening with your support from the CMHT right now? I hear how overwhelming life and the emotions it brings can be. I really hope that someone can help you to find a way for things to be better. Good luck with the job, is there anything you can prepare or even just distract yourself to ease some of your anxiety for now?

nonperson 25-11-2019 07:32 PM

I don't really know what to say that will help at all but want to wish you good luck for tomorrow. I honestly hope it all goes ok. Probably not helpful but sometimes things aren't as bad as you think they'll be? Try to take things one small step at a time. Are you there all day?

Pi.R^2 25-11-2019 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chinahorse (Post 4247462)
Donald Trump has never said anything good or useful and people still listen to him?

Ha, nice try. But they shouldn't- that's my point! It's like you've got your own Donald Trump talking utter nonsense at you and it would be ill-advised to listen.

Whoa, new job, what did I miss? I hope it goes well tomorrow.

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. It does get better than this.

chinahorse 25-11-2019 08:50 PM

I'm seeing cpn and therapist tomorrow. Have a meeting with cpn and support worker next week and then psychiatrist week after that. CPN is having me read stuff on compassion focused therapy.

I'm there all afternoon. 4 afternoons this week. Which is not 9 hours as stated at interview. I really can't put into words how terrified I am. I do not feel at all ready to be in a position of responsibility or serving the public. Yeah it's only a shop but I have to be there by myself with a key and be nice to random people. If the stupid government would give me enough benefits to live off I wouldn't have let people push me into applying.

I'm so angry at the moment. Intense rage. I'm screaming at the cat and being rude in public and smashing things.

The longer I live the longer I know I'm going to have to die. Jim even angry at the cat because he makes it harder as he's the only thing I love and I don't want to leave him.

Unbreakable. 26-11-2019 12:25 AM

I hope your appointments will go okay & that maybe something useful will come of them.

Things seem pretty intense right now, which must be super hard and stressful.

It sucks that you were put in a position where you have to work even when that is clearly not reasonable to ask of you. Hopefully it will at least go better than you feel it will.

Sending love <3

chinahorse 26-11-2019 01:47 PM

The appointment was ok.u till I had a complete melt down about the job. Like screaming and hysterically all crying and rocking :/ So then we discussed that. And they were nice. And we decided now is not the right time. Soi called the shop. And bought nice bath bubbles.
And Bertie has just fallen in the full bath and a laughing sohard I cant breathe.

Bellatrix 26-11-2019 01:56 PM

Pickle did that once and he looked like a drowned rat. It's hilarious isn't it? I hope you took pictures of him ��

one_step_closer 26-11-2019 03:59 PM

I'm glad your appointment went ok and they were kind and understanding, I hope you are being kind and understanding towards yourself too.

Bertie must have known you'd need cheering up. :-)

chinahorse 26-11-2019 04:25 PM

I'm trying not to think. Because it sets off a negative attacking way of thinking that ends up with dangerous actions. I was going to take an OD but then bertie fell in the bath and I didn't.

one_step_closer 26-11-2019 08:13 PM

Please stay safe, you don't deserve any kind of negative action from yourself or from others.

Auror. 26-11-2019 08:22 PM

Did Bertie end up all right? I hope you got through the day. <3

chinahorse 26-11-2019 08:28 PM

I am just about managing thanks guys. Mostly by denying today has happened in my mind.

As a dear friend said bertie will be ok with time and counselling.

Auror. 26-11-2019 08:30 PM

I'm sure with plenty of love from you and time to recover Bertie will be all right. I'm glad he's at least okay physically from the sound of it?

chinahorse 26-11-2019 08:41 PM

Hes fine. Moped around for a while. So I gave him his favourite blanket and some treats and he rapidly recovered.

Auror. 26-11-2019 08:43 PM

I'm really glad you have each other. <3

chinahorse 27-11-2019 04:26 PM

I have such a strong headache and I'm so tempted to take loads of painkillers and 'accidentally' OD. The Man says it will help absorb the evil if take them.

one_step_closer 28-11-2019 11:34 AM

How are you doing now? I really don't think the man is talking any sense at all.

chinahorse 28-11-2019 01:45 PM

I got shitface drunk last night. Didnt help but I didnt OD so semi win?

I don't feel good today. Physically and emotionally spent. Every time I stop for even a second I just remember how much of a disappointment and failure I am.

I stopped a number of meds on Monday and I'm in so much physical pain its unreal.


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