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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

Auror. 26-08-2019 07:12 PM

If you had said when you got there that you didn't want to see psych, perhaps they were just trying to respect your wishes? Did you get your wounds seen to at least?

chinahorse 26-08-2019 07:16 PM

I left and had mcdonalds and am on the bus home.

Feel even worse than I did this morning. What's the point anymore? Really don't want to go to work tomorrow. Don't want to face abother day of being shit. Don't want another day of the man and his control and the evil. Just don't want this.

chinahorse 26-08-2019 11:07 PM

Honestly how am I meant to keep going?

chinahorse 27-08-2019 08:44 AM

Really do not feel able to go to work today but I have no choice.

Eska 27-08-2019 08:51 AM

*sends love*

Whether you end up going to work or not, I hope today works out ok and that you get some relief from the feelings.

chinahorse 27-08-2019 09:28 AM

Thank you.

I have to go to work. I am the only employee. I really don't like it there. It makes me feel even more useless.

chinahorse 27-08-2019 09:53 AM

So my mum just took me to work and spent the entire journey telling me why I don't need to be stressed. That's not helpful when you are stressed.

one_step_closer 27-08-2019 03:59 PM

How is work going? What are the main things that are causing you stress? I hope you're at least managing ok. You have so much strength although I know everything is painful and you don't want to be doing life right now.

chinahorse 27-08-2019 05:55 PM

Work was ok enough.
I'm stressed because I have no money, no close friends,live in a house I hate, my cat seems unwell and I don't like my job. Literally cant pick out a single good thing right now.

Mum wants to know why I self harm. She can't know about the man because it endangers her. So now she thinks I don't know why I do it. And she's frustrated.

tamobhuuta 27-08-2019 06:50 PM

I'm sure your mum is safe. My mum knows about the Man who talks to me and is able to help me fight him. Maybe start by saying you are scared to talk, see what her reaction is?

chinahorse 28-08-2019 08:44 AM

I told mum about the good and the evil. She replied goodnight. Didn't say anything else. I don't know. I expected more from her. I expected her at least to acknowledge that it was ok to tell her.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 28-08-2019 10:18 AM

I'm so sorry you didn't get the answer or understanding you needed, that can be so invalidating.

chinahorse 28-08-2019 10:21 AM

It feels like the only people who listen are online. I feel very not heard in person. I am so tired. So exhausted.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 28-08-2019 10:23 AM

I can relate to that feeling, it's very isolating. *big hugs*

tamobhuuta 28-08-2019 11:54 AM

*hugs* sorry your mum wasn't more supportive.

one_step_closer 28-08-2019 04:46 PM

I'm sorry you didn't get what you needed from your Mum and that people offline aren't properly hearing you. I know it's not much but please keep posting here if it helps even a little.

chinahorse 28-08-2019 05:09 PM

Thank you all.

Ive got my assessment tomorrow. Am scared.

one_step_closer 28-08-2019 05:22 PM

I'm glad your assessment is tomorrow, I know you've felt like it has been a long wait. What are you scared of? What is the best way for you to say all the important things that you need to get across to them? I hope it goes well.

chinahorse 28-08-2019 07:41 PM

I don't know what to say to them
If they refuse to help me I don't know how long I've got left to live.
Feel horrible.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 28-08-2019 08:21 PM

Could you perhaps write a list of bullet points about how you've been feeling lately/what's going on currently?

What would help look like to you?

chinahorse 28-08-2019 09:07 PM

I don't deserve help.

chinahorse 29-08-2019 12:35 AM

Mum said maybe people dont help me because 'they took one look at your history and said whats the point'.

tiptoes 29-08-2019 09:29 AM

Wow! I bet that was hard to hear. I 100% disagree with your mum.

I don't have much advice but I hope today goes OK. Do you know what you want to say/ask for?

EyelinerAndCigarettes 29-08-2019 10:29 AM

I also 110% disagree with your mum, what a hurtful comment.

I'll be thinking of you today.


tamobhuuta 29-08-2019 10:58 AM

I hope today goes ok x

nonperson 29-08-2019 11:08 AM

Thinking of you today, Lillie. Wish I knew any helpful advice to give - be honest and tell them exactly how bad things are. Don't use it as a threat but what you said above about not knowing how long you'll have left to live should convey the message.

Also that really wasn't a nice comment from your mum. Try not to take it to heart and read all the many encouraging comments here instead.

chinahorse 29-08-2019 11:08 AM

Thank you all.

Ive been to MIU to get a wound seen as the man was trying to steal the love and let the evil take over and a friend said I shouldnt call the police so I didn't know what else to do.

In Costa waiting for the appointment now.

one_step_closer 29-08-2019 11:22 AM

I hope it goes well Lillie.

Eska 29-08-2019 11:29 AM

Thinking of you, I hope they're able to help

chinahorse 29-08-2019 02:11 PM

Have to wait until middle of next week to hear the outcome of the assessment. Doesn't feel ok

chinahorse 29-08-2019 07:06 PM

I don't feel safe.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 29-08-2019 07:42 PM

*Hugs* Is there any way you can distract yourself right now? Will talking here help?

chinahorse 29-08-2019 08:32 PM

Mum came. Tried to be practical about everything but made me worse. I just want to go home. She said I'm stupid for thinking of paying rent on this house and not being in it. But I want to go home. And I want to self destruct. She ignored my mh.

chinahorse 30-08-2019 04:27 AM

I called the police on the man. He was scaring me
. They did not come. An ambulance came 3 hours later. They did not help. At all. The man is wearing the shadows so they didnt look for him. I'm scared. I'm done with asking for help. The evil will win.

Juella 30-08-2019 12:49 PM

I'm sorry your mum is not very understanding when it comes to mental health. If she only wants to talk about practical matters, maybe you can at least ask her for help with practical aspects of life that you're struggling with?
It's understandable that people from the ambulance didn't look for the man, but did they do or say anything at all to help you?

chinahorse 30-08-2019 02:04 PM

No they didon't do anything.

one_step_closer 30-08-2019 05:21 PM

Is there anyone at all who you feel listens to your emotions and MH stuff? Is there a way to speed up the outcome of the assessment you had? Try and focus on getting to the middle of next week safely if you can, if that's when you'll find out the outcome. I really hope they will offer you some support that is good for you.

chinahorse 30-08-2019 07:31 PM

There's 1 friend I think truly cares. Other seem to be avoiding me.

one_step_closer 30-08-2019 07:39 PM

That's a shame. Do you manage to speak to your friend who you feel cares?

chinahorse 30-08-2019 07:42 PM


Don't want to do this any more. No one will help me.

one_step_closer 30-08-2019 07:45 PM

I hear your pain, things can be so immensely tough. You haven't heard the outcome of the assessment yet though. What kind of help do you want people to give you?

chinahorse 30-08-2019 07:52 PM

The police didn't help. The ambulance didn't help. The hospital didn't help. The mh team didnt help. There's no one left to ask.

I want them to make the man less scary and go away. People don't care that I'm threatened. That I'm scared.

Auror. 30-08-2019 10:46 PM

It sounds like a lot of those people care, they just maybe aren't sure how to help. Those are separate things and it might be worth challenging.

I think it's also hard because it doesn't sound like anyone else can see or hear the man other than you. That doesn't mean how you feel isn't valid or difficult to deal with. But especially for folks not trained in mental health, it might be hard to know how to approach it. It sounds like those who are trained in mental health are trying to get you connected with folks who can help. Again, none of this means that people don't care though.

Asking for help is great and I think it's so brave for you to do time and time again. But I guess sometimes it also comes down to what steps can you take on your own to manage? If you want the man to be less scary and go away, it sounds as though some part of you might not entirely trust him. So maybe there's small steps you can take on your own to challenge him, like having cooked food, or getting rid of tools and supplies that you might use to harm yourself with.

It really sucks when you aren't getting the help you need, and I'm not saying you aren't trying immensely hard or that you aren't deserving of help. But instead of focusing on the things you don't currently have, maybe there's ways we can try to help you focus on how to work with what you DO have?

chinahorse 31-08-2019 01:38 PM

I'm sorry I will reply later. I can't focus.

Am very worried. I didn't do the protection ritual or self harm and now the evil will infect my patients. I don't know what to do. I can't self harm at work. It crosses a line I'm not prepared to.

one_step_closer 31-08-2019 02:58 PM

I don't think anything will happen to your patients because of you, honestly. I know that you must feel really terrified though, can you maybe work on ways to decrease your anxiety safely?

chinahorse 31-08-2019 08:52 PM

There's no bus to the hospital. Just another shitty thing about this town.

chinahorse 01-09-2019 08:02 AM

I called a friend. We went to MIU who couldn't help so we went to hospital. Waited 7 hours. Got stitched up. I told the friend and hospital about the man. No one helped. So fed up and scared and tired. Why won't anyone help me? I'm being stalked.

one_step_closer 01-09-2019 12:12 PM

What did your friend and the hospital say about the man? Do you think the CMHT will offer you some support when they get back to you next week? If other people aren't making the man less scary, as you said you wanted, how could you do that a bit yourself in the meantime?

Auror. 01-09-2019 08:56 PM

Sorry if I've misunderstood. It sounds like your friend and the people at the hospital were able to help you get the medical attention you needed and also that they do care about you. Have I got that wrong?

Has anyone else seen or heard the man besides you? Or when you say you are being stalked are you referring to somebody else?

Again correct me if I've misunderstood. But from what you've said before it doesn't sound like anyone else is able to see or hear the man besides you. When you refer to being stalked and want legal protection, there has to be evidence of the threat. That means for example, documentation like images of the person being on your property, emails, text messages or voicemails. Things overheard by friends or coworkers who can back you up.

I'm not trying to say that what you're going through isn't scary or stressful. But from what you've said of the man, it sounds as though the man is inside your head. Which makes trying to deal with it different than what you are referring to by stalking. Again, if I've misunderstood the situation though, please correct me.

nonperson 01-09-2019 09:31 PM

Lillie, I'm just wondering why the threats from the man have become more prevalent? I am vageuly recalling you mentioning something about not being able to get your meds (forgive me if I'm wrong) but could this be a reason why things are particularly difficult right now?

I'm glad you managed to get stitched up though. Even if you think people aren't listening to you, they did at least help you in that respect.

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