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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 18-05-2019 11:58 PM

I rang the crisis team 45 mins ago. And they still haven't called me back.

nonperson 19-05-2019 12:02 AM

Try again, maybe?

Auror. 19-05-2019 01:48 AM

It could also be that they are angry or frustrated with the mental health team/system there for failing you. It sucks to be in that situation and I am glad you got medical treatment. Thinking of you.

chinahorse 19-05-2019 09:03 AM

The crisis team came to see me last night. Arranged for me to stay in hospital overnight. I'm on a random orthopaedic ward. I need to go home now as they have none of my tablets.

nonperson 19-05-2019 11:52 AM

I'm glad they came to see you. Were they helpful?

How are you now being back at home?

chinahorse 19-05-2019 12:04 PM

She was nice. I was in too much of a state for anything to be more helpful than the nurse who just sat and held my hand and chatted.

nonperson 19-05-2019 12:07 PM

It's good you had someone there with you though. Hopefully that was reassuring.

Unbreakable. 20-05-2019 05:29 AM

I am glad the nurse kept you some company.
I am sorry people made you feel bad for getting help. Sounds like they don't fully understand why things are the way they are and that you can't just not feel the way you feel.

I miss you too. <3

Thank you for trying your best to fight this and look after yourself. That must be really hard to do & I appreciate you are doing it because you mean a lot to me and I wish I could make you feel better.

one_step_closer 20-05-2019 05:45 PM

How are you today? Sending lots of love.

chinahorse 26-05-2019 03:08 PM

I feel very overwhelmed and want to blood let.

nonperson 26-05-2019 03:19 PM

What things do you think you could do to avoid it? Would calling someone and explaining all the overwhelming feelings help? Sometimes venting it all is a good release and can help you focus a bit.

chinahorse 26-05-2019 03:40 PM

Ive been messaging a friend. And I went out earlier. And I've cleaned a lot. And done some of the tests for my online work course. I'm running out of things. Im running out of cope. Ive decided to cook some dough balls and Im not allowed to do aything until Ive eaten them and my laundry is finished. If I still feel not better I may have to go out again or call crisis.

nonperson 26-05-2019 03:57 PM

It's good that you're keeping busy but don't knacker yourself too much. If you go out again could you just go and sit somewhere and watch the world go by? I think giving yourself rules like not allowing yourself to do anything until you've eaten/done laundry is also good but be careful that it doesn't backfire and make it so it allows you to do it.

chinahorse 02-07-2019 08:29 AM

Sorry to resurrect this thread.

I am really finding things hard. Not sleeping properly. Am stressed to the point of suicidal plans. I am half way through my final straw and I'm drowning.

tamobhuuta 02-07-2019 12:16 PM

It's good you've come back, I hope we can help. Has anything triggered this? Do you have a key worker you can tell how bad things are?

chinahorse 02-07-2019 12:50 PM

No cpn. I have a new one I've met once. She doesn't have time to meet with me before I leave.

I'm changing job and relocating. Problems with new house.
Barely sleeping. Purging.
No one gives a shit.

tamobhuuta 02-07-2019 01:00 PM

I care :) moving house is hard even if you don't have mental health problems, so don't feel bad about that too! Do you know why you're purging?

chinahorse 02-07-2019 01:38 PM

Because it's better than cutting. I am counting down the hours until I can go home and destroy myself. I can't cope.

tamobhuuta 02-07-2019 02:18 PM

This might be a stupid idea but could you delay going home so you're less tempted to hurt yourself? I understand you have to go home at some point!

SI is bad but so is purging.

chinahorse 02-07-2019 06:46 PM

There's no where to go. I've also been out the house since 7.10am so think delaying going home wouldn't help any.

tamobhuuta 02-07-2019 07:04 PM

Fair enough. Instead of hurting yourself maybe you can deliberately look after yourself? A nice hot drink, a bath or shower, your favourite tv or film. I know these things won't cure you but they might help you be alive and safe.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 02-07-2019 07:09 PM


Originally Posted by chinahorse (Post 4227370)
No cpn. I have a new one I've met once. She doesn't have time to meet with me before I leave.

I'm changing job and relocating. Problems with new house.
Barely sleeping. Purging.
No one gives a shit.

This sounds like a really really tough situation to be in, sweetie. I wonder have you ever been through something really tough before and come through it? If so do you think reminding yourself you have been through something similar before and survived would help?
When do you leave, do you have any emergency contact you can call?

Auror. 02-07-2019 07:37 PM

I know for me at home when things are bad I go hide in bed and snuggle with my dog. Once she's cozy, I don't want to disturb her by getting up to hurt myself.

chinahorse 02-07-2019 09:06 PM

I had a complete sobbing breakdown for a few hours. Messaged a friend. Called another friend. They were kind. Calmed down now and am no longer planning to hang myself tonight.

Juella 03-07-2019 03:20 AM

Please, be extra gentle with yourself today. Can you have some rest for a while?
It's great that you have kind friends. I hope you can see that people care and want you to be okay and are willing to support you, and it makes you feel at least a little bit better.

chinahorse 03-07-2019 08:40 AM

Can't rest. Work. Always work. I'm in so much pain. I'm so sick of life.

tamobhuuta 03-07-2019 11:14 AM

Well done for contacting friends, I'm so glad you're still here. Sorry work is tough, can you take your entitled breaks?

one_step_closer 03-07-2019 04:05 PM

I'm sorry things have been so distressing and you continue to feel awful. Would contacting your friends more regularly help at all?

chinahorse 03-07-2019 09:13 PM

I get a 1 hour lunch break. That you're expected to only take 50 minutes of.

I'm in so much pain. Struggling to take pain killers which I normally can take no issues even when I'm off my other meds. I feel trapped. And it hurts.

tamobhuuta 03-07-2019 09:14 PM

No advice just love and hugs x

EyelinerAndCigarettes 03-07-2019 09:45 PM

Sending love.

nonperson 03-07-2019 10:42 PM

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, Lillie. These life changes could be exciting and make a big difference for you but they are BIG changes so no wonder you're feeling super stressed right now. Is there anyone who could help you with the life change stuff, as in help to lighten the load a little? Could you break down everything into smaller chunks so although everything is still happening at once you can manage things easier?

chinahorse 04-07-2019 08:38 AM

I feel very much like everything is mine alone to sort out. My mum has tried to help. And my dad has too. But I feel like I should be able to cope alone.

Once I know if I have the house then I can start actually doing things. Half the problem is I can't really do anything productive right now.

My auntie left me a horrific message at 11.45 last night. Screaming and swearing at me and saying extremely nasty things to me. I feel so crushed.

tamobhuuta 04-07-2019 09:34 AM

That's awful of your auntie, has it happened before? I think you're great. I hope house stuff can get sorted out soon. You don't have to do this alone.

one_step_closer 04-07-2019 04:30 PM

I'm sorry your auntie has been horrible again. I hope you have at least deleted the message, and spoken to someone about it if you feel able to.

There is no should be able to cope alone, really. Everyone needs some support at times and you have a lot of stuff going on at the moment. If you can't do anything physical wise at the moment, would it help to write a list of the things you will need to do when things are sorted a bit more?

chinahorse 07-07-2019 09:17 AM

I still haven't got any clarification on the new house. I move in 13 days. Well I have to leave my house then.

My auntie is now denying leaving the messages. Which is stressing me out more than if she didnt. I spoke to several people about it but it's not helped.

I do need to write a list but it's overwhelming. To see written out everything I have to do.

I feel bad today. I think it's because I'm tired. I feel urgey.

one_step_closer 07-07-2019 10:59 AM

Is there someone you can phone to see if there is an update on the house? Your auntie is being really cruel and unfair, I'm sorry you're being treated this way. Do you need to have contact with her? Will you be able to rest or nap today or do something easy and soothing to help with the tiredness and feeling bad?

chinahorse 07-07-2019 12:53 PM

I'm trying to rest and nap today. It's not really helping though sadly.

I'm not replying to my auntie but that makes me feel even worse.

I phoned the estate agent yesterday and they need to process the guarantor forms.

one_step_closer 08-07-2019 03:31 PM

How are things today?

With replying to your auntie, is there a way you can say what you have to say but not have a conversation? Maybe like being honest about all the things you want to say to her and then trying to leave it at that instead of continuing to reply? I know that would probably just encourage another reply from her but maybe there is some way around it or it might help even just to get your honest feelings out.

chinahorse 08-07-2019 07:14 PM

My auntie will just hurl abuse at me if I say anything but thank you for trying to find a way around it.

Today I'm in a lot of pain and have taken a lot of painkillers which haven't touched it.

I'm thinking about going to the gp to get signed off. I can't handle the pain and the stress at the same time. Itd be for 4 days. But I must as always think of money. But what use is money if I do something harmful because of stress? I'm taking a fair amount of days off due to pain anyway. I don't know what's for the best.

one_step_closer 08-07-2019 08:01 PM

That is a hard decision to make. It would of course be worse if you ended up doing something really serious, so a break would seem like the best idea there. Is there someone you trust who you can talk it through with? Do you get on ok with your GP?

chinahorse 08-07-2019 08:26 PM

I've booked a gp appointment for Wednesday morning.

chinahorse 08-07-2019 08:32 PM

REALLY badly think self harming would be the answer. I'm back on meds. The man is telling me to self harm. The man is thus real. The threat is real.

one_step_closer 08-07-2019 08:35 PM

Well done for booking the appointment, please try to stay safe so you can make it there.

What do you think self harm will do for you? Whatever the man is you are obviously scared, and that's the main thing. I'm not sure he is real though, meds don't always take away distressing things like that.

chinahorse 08-07-2019 09:16 PM

I think life would be easier if I wasn't in it.

one_step_closer 09-07-2019 09:55 AM

Easier for who? Life can be so hard and I understand the feeling of wanting to escape from the pain. How are you today?

chinahorse 10-07-2019 01:28 AM

Easier for everybody.

Am not sure what to do about getting signed off sick. I need the money but what use is that if I'm dead or sectioned? But I feel like I'm not I'll enough to warrant being signed off.

I barely made it to work this morning. I was so anxious ad with a sense of doom that I couldn't get out the door. I was over half an hour late.

one_step_closer 10-07-2019 12:30 PM

I really hope that if you have been to your GP appointment you have been honest about how things are for you. You deserve to feel better.

one_step_closer 12-07-2019 10:15 AM

How did your appointment go Lillie? It's ok not to answer if you don't want to.

BeddieC 12-07-2019 10:24 AM

Hope your appointment went OK x
You mentionex that making a list is overwhelming, can you group things so it's a few little lists?

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