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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 09-05-2019 07:59 PM

I still physically feel like shit. Mentally now feel horrendous. Can't do this anymore. Can't face work or anything tomorrow.

chinahorse 09-05-2019 08:20 PM

And now I'm crying. And I have no idea how to keep going and I am an idiot.

nonperson 09-05-2019 08:24 PM

I wish I knew the answers or how to help at all... Being both mentally and physically shit is an awful combination. Hopefully you'll start to feel better after the treatment today?

You are not an idiot. And you're unbelievably strong to keep going through all this. You can do it.

tamobhuuta 09-05-2019 08:25 PM

You're not an idiot, you are lovely. How's the treatment going?

chinahorse 10-05-2019 12:02 PM

I self harmed again last night. It was a very tough time.

Unfortunately I disnt feel better physically after the treatment. Fainted a few times this morning. When I finally got to work and fainted they took me to hospital. I was seen and then rushed through to resus where I've been told I need a blood transfusion. But I will probably be allowed home after.

one_step_closer 10-05-2019 04:15 PM

*gentle hugs* I wish you would fight yourself less. What do you think about probably being allowed home after? Is that what you think it best/what do you need right now?

chinahorse 10-05-2019 11:16 PM

I'm home now. Too tired to be anything but in bed. Today has been so strange.

Juella 11-05-2019 07:38 AM

Please, take care of yourself. You need some rest. Are you feeling any better now?

chinahorse 11-05-2019 10:01 AM

Very tired and have chest pain which I hope is just because I haven't had omeprazole in a few days. I really don't want to have to go back tk a and e to be told it's nothing.

Buttons. 12-05-2019 09:13 AM

I hope it isn't anything either but might be worth getting checked out, if hospital out of the question do you have a nearby walk in centre? Thinking of you.

chinahorse 12-05-2019 09:20 AM

I went back to the hospital yesterday. They think it's just strain from the anaemia and will get better on its own which is good.

Buttons. 12-05-2019 05:41 PM

Well done for going back glad the results were alright x

chinahorse 12-05-2019 05:48 PM

Thank you lovely.

I'm struggling to get my head around the events of the past few days and want to self harm again

Auror. 12-05-2019 07:52 PM

i'm thinking of you. i'm glad you got checked over again. i know that can't have been easy but it sounds like you did the right thing in going back. i hope you can be gentle with yourself and stay safe. your body sounds like it really needs time to recover.

chinahorse 12-05-2019 07:55 PM

I'm still doing it. I told htt and they seem to trust my judgement. I'm tired of feeling like I have to do it. I want a break from myself.

Thanks for your reassurance that it was ok to go back.

one_step_closer 14-05-2019 02:55 PM

How have things been Lillie? Are HTT offering you support right now? I'm sure you don't have to do the harmful things, but I understand feeling like you have to. Can you think of reasons why the 'have to' is there and challenge those reasons to show that you don't actually have to? Are there safe things that help you to feel like you're not stuck inside yourself as much?

Fire Fly 15-05-2019 12:46 AM

Would you consider a admission? Supported accommodation

chinahorse 15-05-2019 08:26 AM

Htt rang me twice over the weekend then discharged me.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. It did not go well at all.

Htt now want to see me again today.

I don't need an admission apparently as I have capacity and they can't stop me. I looked into supported accommodation before I went to the cassel. I'm basically not eligible because I'm not on benefits.

one_step_closer 15-05-2019 04:39 PM

I'm sorry your psychiatry appointment didn't go well. Did anything reasonable come of it at all? Do you know when HTT will be seeing you? If you think they can offer you anything useful then please try and let them know.

chinahorse 15-05-2019 10:48 PM

They are finally sorting me out a new care coordinator.

I saw htt today. They want to offer me support for 2 weeks, both with meetings and on the phone until hopefully I get my new cpn care co person.

I have to go back to the general hospital tomorrow. They were so nice to me on Friday. I'm scared they won't be nice this time. I'm scared they will notice I've been blood letting since. I'm scared no one will notice and I'll end up collapsing again though it's not at that point yet. If my body copes then it's permission to continue.

I've eaten like a pig tonight and I should purge.

tamobhuuta 15-05-2019 11:24 PM

How would it be if you told them straight you've been bloodletting? And I promise you don't need to purge.

chinahorse 16-05-2019 01:27 AM

I will tell them if they ask.

I maaged not to purge thanks.

chinahorse 16-05-2019 10:56 AM

I asked them to do my blood tests because otherwise htt would ask.

They aren't being as kind as last time.

one_step_closer 16-05-2019 11:56 AM

I hope you get on ok today and that people are at least treating you with respect.

Good luck with HTT, and I really hope your new CC will be someone you get on with with.

Stellata 16-05-2019 08:05 PM

I'm leaving some caring thoughts here for you.

chinahorse 16-05-2019 08:49 PM

In the end the physicians associate and advanced nurse came to see me and spentertainment time with me and we're really lovely and wanted to help. We came up with a plan. I felt better.

Then I went to work. Keep randomly crying. I can't deal with it. Came home and blood let again. I have no idea what my haemoglobin is as they didnt tell me today.

Stellata 16-05-2019 08:51 PM

Glad they were supportive, but sorry that work brought you down so low.

Auror. 16-05-2019 09:04 PM

Sorry if this is a dumb question and you can ignore. What about blood letting is different for you than self harming? Or is there overlap? Are the people treating you aware of the difference for you? Just thinking if they knew that might also change some of their recommendations as they can make better suggestions suited to what is going on for you.

chinahorse 16-05-2019 09:11 PM

Thank you both. <3

They do know, it's an adrenaline makes me forget everything thing that I don't get with self harm. Or at least it was. Think it may be turning suicidal.

Unbreakable. 17-05-2019 04:49 AM

I care for you & I am proud you got yourself checked out <3

I am sorry that you are hurting so badly that the need to forget for a little while is so strong.

I love you <3

chinahorse 17-05-2019 07:43 AM

Thank you lovely. Sorry I'm never in touch. I do wonder about you and miss you.

I feel quite poorly today. Not sure if I can ho to work or not but I've left it too late to call in sick. I've barely slept. I want to call crisis team and scream at them but I won't. My stupidity is not their fault.

one_step_closer 17-05-2019 12:46 PM

Could you call the crisis team anyway and get things off your chest, minus screaming at them? They should still be there for you whether you have harmed yourself or not.

chinahorse 18-05-2019 10:05 AM

Thank you. I'm struggling to accept htt. They can't help. I'm terrified I'm going to die. But relieved at the same time.

My friend from work is taking me to hospital today as I blood let again last night (and fainted and stained the carpet) and I feel poorly on exertion. Well poorly when I sit still but yeah. Scared I'm over reacting and they will say its nothing and I'm wasting their time and hate me.

nonperson 18-05-2019 10:14 AM

They won't hate you, but you do need to accept whatever help is being offered. Listen to the part of you that's terrified because it might prevent you from doing more harm to yourself - harm that you really really don't deserve.

tamobhuuta 18-05-2019 10:53 AM

What np said! I'm glad your friend is taking you to hospital, let us know how it goes. You don't deserve to suffer and with the right help things will get better.

chinahorse 18-05-2019 02:44 PM

I'm really trying to accept help I'm just scared and I think irrational.

It's taken them 2 and a half hours to find a vein. My haemoglobin is rather low.

nonperson 18-05-2019 02:52 PM

I know you're scared. Try and take the chance to accept it though.

Eska 18-05-2019 03:08 PM

Thinking of you

*leaves love*

one_step_closer 18-05-2019 03:36 PM

I'm glad you're at least getting some medical help. What is it that scares you about accepting help?

chinahorse 18-05-2019 06:51 PM

I need things to get better but it feels like no one will help me. Things feel out of control.

I'm in hospital overnight I think. Having blood transfusions.

chinahorse 18-05-2019 06:52 PM

I'm too tired to fight myself anymore.

one_step_closer 18-05-2019 07:13 PM

People are offering you help, I know it's not going to make you feel amazing and 100% better etc but it's a start. Being kind to yourself would be much better for you than fighting yourself but I understand how hard that can be too. If there's something you think you need please try and let someone know.

chinahorse 18-05-2019 09:31 PM

Why is everyone angry with me?

tamobhuuta 18-05-2019 09:35 PM

Have people said they are angry with you?

chinahorse 18-05-2019 09:50 PM

People have implied it. The registrar on the ward told me to stop wasting time and get a hobby outside of work. The consultant said he needs my bed and is sending me home tonight. I've been honest. I've said I will probably do it again.

nonperson 18-05-2019 10:12 PM

It's not that they're angry, it's that they don't understand. Are you still seeing HTT?

chinahorse 18-05-2019 10:17 PM

They seemed angry. The triage nurse in a and e seemed angry. People keep telling me I don't want to die but I change between wanting to and not wanting to and no one understands how horrible that is. I feel so horribly alone.

Yeah am seeing htt tomorrow morning. Tempted to ring them now. I feel hideous and like I can't cope.

nonperson 18-05-2019 10:20 PM

I think you should ring them now. You need someone to talk to that understands your situation and although they might not understand as such at least they know how to deal with it and offer you help.

Don't worry about what other people are thinking, they might seem angry but it's because they don't know what other emotion to present when faced with something they don't understand. They are treating you and that's all you need to be concerned about.

Eska 18-05-2019 11:18 PM

^ everything np says is wise

nonperson 18-05-2019 11:30 PM

Hope you're getting on ok. <3

If you want to keep chatting to distract then I'll probably be around for a while, if that would help.

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