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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Doikers 22-03-2010 04:50 PM

It's that I'm in a pretty much constant triggered state.

I'm sure you look wonderful April . I am searching the web for Superchick Albums , not so easy to get in the UK but they are out there , just wondering if I can afford it , grrr lousy budgeting , (I've been way over budget for the past 2 weeks so am trying to be good this week )
*Hugs April*

Scarletdreamer 22-03-2010 05:04 PM

Mark, look on Amazon.com for the Superchick albums - or is the shipping too expensive? That's where I got all of my Superchick music, I think. :) And yeh, budgeting is difficult... I agree. Especially because I'm new to it (well, relatively, since Jarrod and I got married in 2008, so yeah, still new to it as compared to him!!). Anyway, good luck finding at least one album that you can get. :) Keep listening to some of the songs on YouTube - "Crawl" and "Hold" are both good ones, as is "Beauty from Pain." And "Courage," if you're struggling with an eating disorder. :)

My stomach hurts and I don't FEEL like I look wonderful... but thanks for the compliment. :) I hope that the prof doesn't mind that I wore sweats but I do have an excuse... TMI but if he wants to know, he'll know. Heh. :-X

I hate being so tired. I wish I could've cancelled my tutoring hours, but I already cancelled 2 out of 3 days last week, so can't do that again. Boo hiss. At least, I shouldn't, so I didn't... just want to sleeeeeeeep. :(


CrazyHayley 22-03-2010 05:32 PM

Hey everyone *group huggles!*

three and half pages of posts since I was last in here, I've just read through them all so that I'm up to date, but unfortunately haven't the time to do individual replies. I was visiting family over the weekend, and on saturday night I really missed ryl, my bloody step mother....raaa!!! Anyhoo, haven't time to go into that as I need to leave to go to the GP in about 5mins. I've had a soft tissue infection in the cartlidge of my left ear since end of June last year. I got discharged from the ENT specialist 11days ago and finished a 6week course of super duper antibiotics 8 days ago. All seemed well until yesterday evening....the bloody thing is back! If they can't sort it out soon they've said they may have to chop it off!!!! I so do not need that on top of everything else! Please will you all keep fingers and toes crossed for me that my GP is willing to try other treatments again before sending me to the specialist for the chop! eek!

*goes out to smoking shelter hiding her monsterous ear but still loving it on her head!*

Doikers 22-03-2010 05:37 PM

Oooh I found a Christian Resourses website that sells all thing Christian , I Honestly didn'y know such a website existed but it's british and everything . They have many Superchick albums but which one to choose........hmmmm

April good for you for going to your tutoring hours , It's a big thing with the tiredness you are having * Hugs *

* Hugs Hayley especially her ear *

SoMuchMore 22-03-2010 06:52 PM

*hugs kahlia and helen*

*cuddles april* dont worry about what you looked like for class. Im sure it wasnt bad. Im sorry that you have been so anxious. I wish i had some advice on how to deal with it... but i struggle with anxiety so much too... so just remember that you aren't alone.

*hugs mark* sorry you are struggling so badly with urges right now. I bet its hard to leave your psychologist, maybe u should talk about your concerns about leaving. Try to relax and take care of yourself.

*hugs hayley* oh no I'm sorry about your ear! Resistant infections are so annoying.. a few years ago i scraped my foot and it blew up to almost the size of my head. i made 7 trips to the hospital before they found the right combination of antibiotics... it was gross lol.

Ive been having dreams about ODing. They are kind of scary, but they are prolly b/c i have been thinking so much about SI and whatnot and Ive actually been talking about some if it to a few people. Still, it feels wrong to tell people. I mean, ive tried to keep it a secret for so long, but now i feel like emotion is just pouring out of me. Idk why though.

*goes to denial tent to try to hold it together*

Scarletdreamer 22-03-2010 08:58 PM

*huggles Hayley* That's awful about your ear, and what a long time for it to be going on!!! I really hope that they can try a different antibiotic before they "chop it off" (how gruesome-sounding!! heh)... will be keeping you in my thoughts & prayers. How are you doing other than that??

*hugs Mark* I'm glad that you found that site!! I honestly would recommend "Rock What You Got" or "Beauty from Pain 1.0" above the others... "Rock What You Got" has some really sweet songs on it. :) Just plain "Beauty from Pain" (without the "1.0") doesn't have the song "Stand in the Rain" on it. But anyway, hope you decide what to get!! :D Let me know... Oh, & I'm guessing that you also like Paramore? because of your avatar... what about Fireflight? and you are the one that likes Flyleaf, right? :D Oh, and how are you feeling now? any better?

*curls up next to LauraStar* So glad that you've been telling people, love... better than imploding/exploding in self-destructive ways. I woke up on 1 January with "Mad World" (by Tears for Fears, about suicide) in my head... it's so far been the theme song for the entire year, just the overall theme of the song. I wish that it weren't and it's not self-fulfilling prophecy or anything because I totally forgot about that until my husband mentioned it a few days ago!! So yeah... that was kind of random, sorry. :-/ It's not wrong to tell people... it's a GOOD thing is what I was getting at I think. :) *cuddles* Gets you the support/help you've been denied for so long. ♥

I'm so tired... this day is so long... just "anxious" was NOTHING to describe me when I went up in front of the class to do our discussion. I almost passed out I was so anxious... it was really bad. I have NEVER been that close to passing out before... I was terrified that I actually would. I think that kind of brought me back to reality, if that makes sense. :-/ I hate being this way, so much...


And I have so much to do...

*hides in denial tent until the semester is over*

nicole94 22-03-2010 09:42 PM

psych wards are horrible, HORRIBLE places! never again....never. never.
*sits in corner and rocks back and forth, mumbling to herself*

Scarletdreamer 22-03-2010 10:41 PM

This psych ward isn't that bad. ;)

I suppose some could be though. The ones I've been in weren't bad, however, either. Sorry you're having a tough go of it, Nicole... what's up? anything I can help with? *cuddles*

Am home from uni, FINALLY!!!, but am anxious again, so that's totally pewpy. :crying: And my stomach hurts from "time of month" pain... :( I really feel rubbishy. And oh so tired!!

nicole94 22-03-2010 10:52 PM

they watched me constantly, even going to the toilet. it was awful :(

Scarletdreamer 22-03-2010 10:54 PM

Are you on suicide watch, then? I CAN imagine that kind of invasion of privacy... it would be awful, I know that much. Was it at least a female nurse/aid watching you?

*more cuddles* And at least you have internet access. When I'm in hospital I don't. :-/

MammaMia 22-03-2010 10:57 PM

*cuddles everyone & then hides*

nicole94 22-03-2010 11:08 PM

no, it was a male nurse. and i not in hospital now. im home, they always send me home. they know i'll only be back next week. its pointless.

Scarletdreamer 22-03-2010 11:15 PM

Eugh male nurse... lol. That would be awkward. I'm glad you're not in hospital now. I remember you saying that, d'oh. *hugs* How are you feeling tonight??

*finds & cuddles Helen* What's up, Hels, love?

MammaMia 22-03-2010 11:41 PM

Struggling with seeing my sister's dog in severe shock & crying loads. A plan fell through again today, glad in one way but not in another. Really struggling with myself. I'm fine. Always am fine. *curls up*

shadowedsoul 22-03-2010 11:46 PM

thanks kahlia, i need that, still **** my freind just answeared my email saying she cant do this right now. and she doesnt know how to help me. =/

PrincessSparkle 23-03-2010 12:12 AM

PrincessSparkle runs to her corner and hides away from the world

Anyone feels like they always have to put a mask on and smile and pretend everything is ok while all you wanna do is scream/cry and hide in a dark corner? :(

MammaMia 23-03-2010 12:23 AM

I feel like that a lot of the time :/

nicole94 23-03-2010 12:24 AM

i wanna go HOME! :'( i want my home with my bed and my duvet and my teddies and my cat and my stuff! i want HOME! *sits in corner and cries*

MammaMia 23-03-2010 12:43 AM

Where are you sweet?

nicole94 23-03-2010 12:48 AM

at my aunties. i go home tomorrow. but well....i need my teddy and my blankets to sleep :/ and also, my uncle is here too, i dont like men :(

PrincessSparkle 23-03-2010 12:57 AM

Do you get on with your auntie?
Just try and sleep,the sooner you sleep the sooner its morning and you can go home and your teddies will be waiting for you! :)
whats your coping mechanism mamamia, how do you stop yourself running away and going crazy?Im tired of pretending everything is ok!

nicole94 23-03-2010 01:05 AM

i get on with my auntie...but she has a husband. he is nice, but hes male. i dont like males. i dont feel safe :(

MammaMia 23-03-2010 01:30 AM

*cuddles Nicole* It's a new day babe. You just got to get through next few hours & then you can go home.

Sparkle, my coping mechanism is usually self harming. But yeah, trying to talk to people can help aswell..

nicole94 23-03-2010 01:37 AM

but. what if i cant get through it?? i cant deal with this anymore

MammaMia 23-03-2010 01:46 AM

You can get through it sweetheart. You're getting through it.

nicole94 23-03-2010 01:54 AM

yeah but...i know there are pills here. and i know they're not locked up..................................

MammaMia 23-03-2010 02:34 AM

****, I missed your post. Hope you haven't taken them sweetheart. Keep talking to me xx

Kahlia1981 23-03-2010 09:08 AM

*hugs all*

Feeling really su triggered today. Thinking quite a bit of my baby girl (my little miniature schnauzer) that I had to get put down last year. :( Feeling blah and a bit meh, and really down. Just wish I could ... I don't know ... either hurry up to the other side of the depression or whatever ... but just be free of this depression demon forever. *sigh* Sometimes I wish there were easy answers.

*hugs everyone then slips into a dark corner hoping that she can sit and rock and cry and eventually just disappear*

Scarletdreamer 23-03-2010 11:03 AM

Nicole, sweetie, were you okay last night? Sorry I wasn't on, had to go to bed as was exhausted. :( I hope you didn't take the pills... and today you get to go back to your own bed and teddies. :) That will (hopefully) help you feel a bit better. And I understand about not liking men... in general, I don't - they scare me. Or stupefy me by how stupid they are!! My husband is a good man, though, so I'm not scared of him.

Hels, I'm so sorry about your dog. :( That is so awful, what happened to her/him... will s/he be okay? *cuddles* A girl in my Theories class last term, well, her dog was attacked by a loose K9 police dog!! And her dog is a miniature something-or-other, really cute, and was on a lead, doing nothing she shouldn't've. That was appalling. I mean, a K9 unit dog attacking without provocation or command?! :( Anyway, sorry, tangent.

Sparkle, I feel like that a lot as well. I think a lot of us here do... and I think that a lot of us have "bad"/maladaptive coping mechanisms for dealing with feeling that way. Me, I try to lose myself in something where I can be someone else for a bit, like WoW (World of Warcraft) or a really good book. Sadly, that doesn't always work...

I cut last night. Not bad, just very minor, but there went 2010 being a SI-free year. DAMNIT. Why does it seem like I set myself up for failure?! why does it seem like I want to sabotage myself ALL THE ****ING TIME?! :crying: I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of the semester... our senior sem paper rough drafts are due on Monday, a week from yesterday, and all I've done on mine is the outline, and haven't even gotten feedback on that. I am freaking out.

I just want to die... :(

Doikers 23-03-2010 11:20 AM

*April* I'm sure your S.I. is just a minor blip . So far 2010 has been S.I. free for almost 4 months for you and you've only blipped the once , thats really good going :-)*Hugs*
Yeah I'm the guy who likes Paramore , and Flyleaf and now Superchick thanks to you , which is a good thing, ( Although I still haven't decided which album to buy :S)

Erm awkward question , there have been a couple of posts saying you guys don't feel safe around guys(Men) , should I stop coming here ? I don't want to upset anyone.....

*Group Hugs*

Scarletdreamer 23-03-2010 11:26 AM

Mark, for me it's fine. It's mostly IRL contact that is uncomfortable for me. I'd say don't worry about it... sorry!! :-S *hugs* Oh, and I'm scared that the SI wasn't just a blip, because I'm feeling triggered this morning and really want to cut. :(

Yey for Paramore, Flyleaf, and Superchick!! You should also try Skillet. :D "Hero" and "The Last Night" are my favorites of theirs... :)

*cuddles Kahlia* Sorry I didn't respond to your post sooner... I hope that the depression lifts for you too. It sucks to be in that low spot for oh so long - how long has it been now??

*hides in a dark corner*

Doikers 23-03-2010 11:36 AM

Ok April *Thanx* You are putting me onto so many new bands my bank account will never cope at this rate :P I'll have to be sensible and just check out Superchick for now . *Hugs you and hopes the trigger goes away* and no sorry's! I seem to remember you telling me that was the rule in here :)

Possible trigger S.I.

There was something else but it's gone clean out of my mind *sigh*
*I'm feeling kind of odd , calmer but still anxious , I HATE to admit it but S.I. helped me this morning , helped me to calm , but deep down I've still got THAT knot of tension and I still feel flat and crap. Ugh.

Kahlia1981 23-03-2010 12:19 PM

April - It's been 10 weeks since the depression started. I have lifted a little, but am still definitely depressed.

*hugs everyone then disappears into the darkness*

PrincessSparkle 23-03-2010 12:52 PM

Hey Nicole how you today?Home safe in your own bed yet? *hugs* Doikers (mark?) haha yeah...HMV is eveil they take all my money...and ticketmaster...no fair! April from what I hear you've been doing really well just try and stay motivated and strong so you wont do it again! Hmm.I have no intention of starting to SI but I think I need to let go of mask because its kinda driving me crazy.But that means talking to my lil sis and Im not sure how that conversation will go...scary!

Doikers 23-03-2010 01:07 PM

Hey Sparkle , Yeah I'm called Mark :) , Good luck with your conversation with your little Sis * Hugs*

PrincessSparkle 23-03-2010 01:17 PM

Teenagers are scary... Specially when you suddenly have to be parent instead of big sister and they dont take anything you say seriously.. I wanna talk to her and chat about whether or not she's still SI and if maybe she'd be better of in foster care than with me but how do I do that without being patronising or making her think I'm getting rid of her? :( I kinda ran away to BF's Sunday nite, now I gotta hitch home cos Im broke... Life sucks! *apologies for ranting just sad confused and scared*

SoMuchMore 23-03-2010 02:16 PM

*cuddles helen* im so sorry about your dog.

*cuddles april* like everyone else has said, one slip up does not have to change all the good work u've done this year. I know after a slip up it can be hard to imagine not doing it again, but slip ups are a part of recovery (as im sure u already know). Hang in there.

*hugs mark* I dont think u should stop coming around here and I'm sorry that you feel flat... I agree that sometimes music can be the death of the bank account lol. Thank goodness my parents got me an itunes card for my birthday last week otherwise i wouldve spent a lot of money lately :-)

*hugs sparkle* Good luck with your sister! Be safe getting home.

*hugs kahlia* Being stuck in depression for so long really sucks. I hope it continues to life.

I feel like I am loosing my head. There is so much going on up there heh. I talked to my friend last night and he thought it was good that I am telling some other people about my SI stuff... but idk, ever since i did I have felt this constant urge to SI, and I have cut.. not too badly but still... Still he thinks its a move in the right direction, so maybe it is... maybe im just too much of a broken person to make good of a positive thing..

I'm off to class for now.. so sleepy.

PoisonedApple 23-03-2010 04:50 PM

*wanders in and waves*
How is everyone this morning?
Sorry for no replies but there were just too many since I was last in and I just couldn't sit and read all the pages...

MammaMia 23-03-2010 04:53 PM

I'm going mad.
I posted in here earlier & can't find it :|

CrazyHayley 23-03-2010 07:06 PM

*group huggles all in ward*

I started to write a post last night but then my partner came home after a hideous day from work so I got sidetracked with him...we put on '24' to relax to!

Anyhoo, my monsterous ear is still on my head for now. *sigh of relief* I've been given a further 2weeks of super duper antibiotics whilst I wait to see the ENT specialist again. My GP said its up to him on whether he wants me to have the surgery or whether he's prepared to keep me on a low dose of antibiotics for possibly the rest of my life!! Um, surely you'd think that would actually be up to me?!!! I'm trying not to freak out about it, after all, freaking out about it won't actually change the situation....I'm just glad I've been given this news on day 4of my cycle and not in PMDD time, otherwise I'd be probably trying to do the operation myself! eek!

I had emotional morning, my godson who is 3went missing, only for 10minutes and he was found by the police, but even so, those were a horrendus 10minutes. He is the closest I will ever have to a child of my own and if his mum hadn't got pregnant with him I wouldn't be alive today. I felt so so sick with worry. He just finds the whole situation funny and told me "I want to go running again so I can go in police car. It was great fun!" Oh dear! I'm just so relieved that he's ok. I'm picking him up from nursery tomorrow, so I hope he doesn't do a runner on me!

Doikers 23-03-2010 08:01 PM

I just worte a super long post and am so frustrated as it would'nt post .
My Dad keep coming by twice a week EVERY week I feel like he is checking up on me and it's an invasion of my privacy , he's always asking questions , how are you? are you taking care of yourself ? For crying out loud I am a 29 year old guy TRYING to be independent , I have a support worker I don't need this , he even goes through my mail . How do I get him to back off without hurting his feelings . TOday he grabbed my arm right where I had cut today , it hurt and I had to hide it.
Sorry I can't post individual replies again .
I hope this post makes sence I am struggling finding the right words to express myself and what order to put them in UGH IDIOT , TOTAL IDIOT!!!

CrazyHayley 23-03-2010 08:58 PM

*huggles mark* its soo frustrating when you write something out and then it won't post and then you can't get the words out again. You are not an idiot, you are a human being who is struggling. Don't belittle yourself, you deserve more. As for how to tell you dad to back off without hurting his feelings. That is perhaps a tough one, as I don't know your dad and how he would take things and obviously is doing things because he cares and thinks he is helping. I too know how it feels to try and be independant and it all going wrong, but I have learnt to blurt things out now. When I told my mum about my SI last year she wanted me to move back home, my response was "no offense, but I'd be worse, probably suicidal if I moved back in!" So yeah tact isn't one of my stronger points, but I was brought up to tell the truth. I seem to be one or the other, tell the truth or compeltely hide the truth from everyone. I have yet to discover the middle ground.

Gosh what a lot of waffling for not really any advice - sorry! I guess I'm just trying to say I do understand and you're not alone. hmm...

Its time for me to go on my wii fit, I've not done it in about a week since it told me I'd put on weight and would struggle to reach my goal :( But not going on it isn't going to rectify that situation and the main reason I got it was for physio beneifits not for monitoring my bmi. hmmm....

*breathes in, thinks light thoughts and gets out wii fit*

PoisonedApple 23-03-2010 09:13 PM

*huggles mark and hayley*
I've contemplated on your situation Mark but all in all I can't think of anything but what Hayley told you... I don't know your dad so I have no real advice to give aside from explaining you aren't trying to be offensive but ... then explain how you feel.

Hayley~ I know how you feel about the wiifit... I should use mine more but I hate when it tells me if I gained or when I don't meet my goal, etc etc... if only there was a way to not have a goal and still play.
But I also got a 5 day workout series (each day is different - stability ball cardio, pilates, yoga, tai chi, stength training) and quit for 2 weeks because I couldn't find disc 3. I get bored easily with things that repeat and some days when my knee is worse rather than better I just can't do the strength training so I was down to 3 of 5 discs... *shakes head* But we found my disc last night :)
Have you tried the golds gym boxing one (for the wii)? It's good cardio wise. and you can even change your 'environment' if you get bored easily with repetitiveness like me.

Ok I'm just rambling now... so I'll wander off and pop in again later.
Gotta call the local bed bath and beyond and see if they have the yogurt maker I want up here...

Scarletdreamer 23-03-2010 09:22 PM

*peeks in again*

I am so freaking tired. But uni is over for the day, at least... hopefully I'll be able to get at least one assignment churned out tonight somehow, I don't know how though. My brain is almost completely nonfunctional at this point, other than wanting SI so ****ing badly that it SCREAMS at me to go get a blade, even though my husband will be home any minute.

Mark, I don't really have any advice to offer you other than what Crimson & Hayley said... sorry. Just be as polite as you can... hopefully relations won't be damaged. *squishes* I'm sorry that he's been butting in on your business - he has no right to do that really, I mean yes, he's your dad and he cares about you, but that's not the right way to show it. Maybe give him some alternatives?

I'm not doing too well myself, as could probably be gathered. Sorry not many individual replies, am stuck in my own head and just need to vent - which is probably why I shall venture over to my r/v thread in a bit... *sigh*

Really don't feel up to going out to get groceries tonight but it looks like we'll have to as we're running out of food. :-/ Kind of. Maybe we could finish off the salmon... that would be kind of tasty. My appetite's really, really been gone since last Thursday when the anxiety hit, so it's hard to find things that I am willing to eat/drink. It sucks beyond belief... :( ...or maybe it's my ED popping up again, I don't know, maybe both.

*hides some more after a group cuddle* :(

CrazyHayley 23-03-2010 10:26 PM

*huggles april and crimson* we can never have too many huggles right?! Well, as long as they're from the right people with correct intnetions!

Well I've knackered myself out on the wii fit. I'd had a weeks break, naughty naughty, my physio wouldn't be impressed. I hadn't deteriorated too badly but it is amazing to see how quickly I can improve and then get worse again. I'm not too sure how I'll feel in a few hours or even tomorrow as often with M.E, the damaging effects of an activity show up delayed. But I've got to do something to try and improve myself, otherwise I'd loose all hope. 2010 is the year for me to get rid of my walking stick I've decided!!

*goes out to the smoking shelter as realises is gasping for one!*

CrazyHayley 23-03-2010 10:48 PM

I just ventured out of the safety of the virtual psych ward into chat ...dundundun!!!! I lurked for about, oh 1minute and then decided it was all far too much for me and I've come back in here.

*grabs hold of Kahlia for huggle as wants to hold onto something that is safe and known to her* ....sorry, someone, not something! I can see you're reading this thread atm as I type!

Oh my goodness, when did I become such a whimp that I even struggle with internet interaction?! Maybe its just 'cos its the end of the day for me? Meds and bedtime for me soon.

Kahlia1981 23-03-2010 10:57 PM

*hugs Hayley* - It's okay hun.

It's almost 8 am here. Another "lovely" day in Oz. ... Ha. On that point ... when the cyclone was threatening the coast, one of my friends was stating that we might wake up in Kansas because we started out in Oz.

*hugs everyone*

CrazyHayley 23-03-2010 11:03 PM

Lol about the kansas thingymabob :) thats my sense of humour

It's not late late here, only 10pm, but 'cos of how my night meds make me drowsy and are in my system for about 10-12hours, if I don't take them shortly after 10pm I end up wasting away a lot of the next day! I know at 28 I should be able to stay up til midnight and then rise before 8am and not have a problem, but with M.E and medications that is beyond my capabilities. I do often feel that I'm sleeping or resting my life away, but on that matter, the choice has been taken away from me. If I could change it, I would.

*group huggles everyone in ward*
*toddles off to take her meds and get tucked up with her teddy bear*

I hope people have a good and safe day/night. xxxxxxxx

PoisonedApple 23-03-2010 11:30 PM

Good morning Kahlia!
Good night Hayley!

MammaMia 24-03-2010 01:36 AM

*curls up and hides*

So scared.

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