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Scarletdreamer 20-03-2010 11:44 PM

*cuddles all*

Nicole, sweetie, what's up?? *hugs*

Hels, hope you sleep well!! :) ♥

Mark, how you doing tonight?? any better?

Kahlia, how's the cyclone progressing? (sorry to make it sound like a "work of art" being "in progress" ... heh) and how are YOU feeling?

Sorry to any that I missed... oh, and Joc, good to see you back!! (forget how many pages back that was, but still, good to see you *squish*)

I'm okay... I guess. Today has been a pretty weird day if I dare say so myself. :-/ Gonna update my r/v thread in a bit...

MammaMia 20-03-2010 11:47 PM

Ha. Been to sleep, woke up & got all upset when trying to go back to sleep. So have got up again :| Will be up most of the night now I bet >.>

nicole94 20-03-2010 11:51 PM

i feel crap :'( flashbacks are awful. i just wanna hurt myself. i havent self harmed in over a week. i usually do it 30-40 times a day.....i need it. i wanna cut. i wanna OD. i wanna jump outta my bedroom window. i cant take this!!

shadowedsoul 20-03-2010 11:57 PM

hugs nicole, sorry your having flashbacks. tryand stay safe okay.walks in and curls up in corner, want to hide for a while, bad day just got worse. =/

Scarletdreamer 21-03-2010 12:01 AM

Am struggling myself...

*squishes for everyone, along with calorie-free cookies and juice boxes!!*

Updated my r/v thread... :crying:

nicole94 21-03-2010 12:03 AM

*group hugs* looks like we're in for a bad night........

Kahlia1981 21-03-2010 12:11 AM

*hugs all*

April - the cyclone missed us by miles. Seems to have missed any major land areas. We've got a bit of rain this morning. I get what you mean about cyclone : art work. Me ... I'm starting to come out of depression. Oh, and the hospital is trying to kill me. And there is absolutely no paranoia in that whatsoever. Twice they have administered OD's and refused to treat the results ... is there any wonder I think they are trying to kill me...

*hugs everyone and curls up tightly in a ball to wait for the rain to stop or at least slow*

MammaMia 21-03-2010 12:19 AM

*cuddles everyone tight* Keep fighting people. Or trying to anyway :)

It'll get better..

nicole94 21-03-2010 12:21 AM

*hugs everyone* i feel............awful. thats it. i cant even think of anything to describe the way im feeling. it hurts. im so upset i'm physically hurting. i feel like someones ripped me to shreds then jumped all over the peices. i cant take this!! :'(

Scarletdreamer 21-03-2010 12:26 AM

*cuddles Nicole* I understand the feeling, sweetie, I really do. :( That's kind of how I feel at the moment... just want to curl up and die.


MammaMia 21-03-2010 12:27 AM

Please keep fighting you two. Don't want to lose either of you :( *cuddles tight*

nicole94 21-03-2010 12:28 AM

i cant keep fighting. i cant. it hurts too much.........

MammaMia 21-03-2010 12:33 AM

I know it really hurts. But it WILL get better. The pain will end, you just got to keep going. Don't OD Nicole. *cuddles*

Ow, can my period pains please go **** off now? I had them epically bad this morning, they got better but have slowly hurt more through the day. It's horrible >.> Hopefully'll be gone when I wake tomorrow =) But for now, OWWWW :@

nicole94 21-03-2010 12:36 AM

i cant OD, i have no pills. I cant cut. not properly. i have no blades. i dunno what to do........i dont see how it can get better. people have been telling me that for 3 years, but its just getting worse.

MammaMia 21-03-2010 12:47 AM

It will get better eventually honey. But you have to go through this **** to get there. Like they say, there's no rainbow without rain. *cuddles* Glad you have nothing to harm with..

nicole94 21-03-2010 12:50 AM

i know but-3 years?? how much longer is it gonna be? and i know its good i've got nothing to harm with but well. its just making me think about doing even more stupid things :(

PrincessSparkle 21-03-2010 12:56 AM

Yeah sleep is good...I get awful grumpy when I'm tired, no fair on anyway who's around me lol!Only times I get real bitchy is when Im either starving or sleep-deprived!

PrincessSparkle is wondering how to talk to teen sister about whether or not she's still self-harming and maybe she might be better off in foster care?


MammaMia 21-03-2010 01:00 AM

Nicole, there's good days, maybe you're blind to them right now as you're struggling so much. Which is understandable. I've gone through one **** thing after another (it feels like it anyway) since I was 13, maybe younger. I'm now 20 & somehow still fighting. It is really epically hard, but the good times have make you believe they will come back.

Princess, why do you think you'd be better in foster care sweetie? Talking to your sister about your self harming sounds like a good idea *cuddles*

Kahlia1981 21-03-2010 01:10 AM

Nicole - I've been going through **** for about 12 years now ... I do have some good times, but there has been an awful lot of ****. For me, a lot of the problem has been in regard to actually getting some sort of treatment that is suitable. Don't give up hope. I know, easier to say then do. *hugs*

Hels - Hang in there sweetie. *big hugs*

Princess - *hugs you*

*hugs everyone*

And once again I have to say it: It can't rain all the time ...

MammaMia 21-03-2010 01:21 AM

*cuddles Kahlia*

Am having a fight with my head. Urge to cut just randomly came on. SCREAMING. Shut up. I'll be fine. Always fine. *hides*

PrincessSparkle 21-03-2010 01:33 AM


Originally Posted by MammaMia (Post 2194664)
Nicole, there's good days, maybe you're blind to them right now as you're struggling so much. Which is understandable. I've gone through one **** thing after another (it feels like it anyway) since I was 13, maybe younger. I'm now 20 & somehow still fighting. It is really epically hard, but the good times have make you believe they will come back.

Princess, why do you think you'd be better in foster care sweetie? Talking to your sister about your self harming sounds like a good idea *cuddles*

lol....not me....its my sis that (i hope) used to self-harm, she lives with me... thats why im here, doing research and talking to people!
losing my job next month and i have college,a bf, i'll have to find another job...maybe she'd be better off somewere more stable....i just dont know wat to do..

MammaMia 21-03-2010 01:45 AM

Oh I understand. I'd definitely talk to her about it. *cuddles*

PrincessSparkle 21-03-2010 01:49 AM

just awkward because im her big sister but now also have to try and be her guardian...and she never talks.ever.about anything.eg if her and her bf have had a fight she wont tell me.So I never know whats going on which doesnt help!!

MammaMia 21-03-2010 02:02 AM

It's hard I know. But best thing to do, is let her know you're there for her always xxx

Kahlia1981 21-03-2010 07:41 AM

*hugs everyone*

I have to write a letter but I'm tired and I just plain don't want to ... meh. :(

Doikers 21-03-2010 12:10 PM

I'm still totally triggered , I hate this , I look at my scars and I hate them but I just NEED to add more . I think I may have said that already I just haven't progressed any in the last few days .Maybe it would be better if I weren't around , coulden't feel THIS anymore . I'm not very suicidal I just can't take this much more , I can't even figure out what triggered me... I hate myself so much , IDIOT!
Sorry everyone is feeling so rough .
*Hugs all *

Scarletdreamer 21-03-2010 01:39 PM

I've been struggling with this **** since I was 14. And I'm nearly 22 now. It goes on, and on, and on... but there IS hope. For those of you who haven't listened to or heard of it, I'mma repost "Stand in the Rain."

It's by Superchick and is one of my most favorite songs ever. :) I don't think that any of the images or anything ought be triggering in this video... if they are please ask me to remove the video and find a better one & I will. ♥

I'm sorry to hear that so many of you are feeling awful. :( I am still in a bad place, am going to update my r/v thread as I need to get out some of this STUFF that's in my head somewhere where it oughtn't bother people too much. :(

*cuddles everyone*

nicole94 21-03-2010 07:26 PM

thanks guys. feeling a bit better today. except my sister has been having a go at me :( doing the whole 'stop being selfish, all these ODs and cuts are just attention seeking!' thing, i hate her :( but im generally feeling more positive. *hugs everyone* how're you all feeling now?

Doikers 21-03-2010 07:35 PM

*Hugs Nicole*
I'm glad you are feeling more positive
*Hugs April* I'm sorry you are feeling so low , I don't really have the words , I'm crap at being all understanding and supportive but I'm trying. Thanks for re-posting the Superchick song , I've listened to it twice today , whats abum is it on? I may just have to get a copy of my own :)

Scarletdreamer 21-03-2010 08:32 PM

Glad you're feeling a bit better, Nicole. *hugs*

Mark, don't worry about giving/showing support - you do by responding to my posts anyway. :) And you're also in a bad place yourself, so it's really difficult to give support when you're there. The song is on the albums "Beauty from Pain 1.0" and also "Rock What You Got." :) I love Superchick... they have some lovely songs. How you feeling now? *cuddles*

*squishes everyone else* How's everyone doing this afternoon??

I just posted a thread on this board... if you could take a look at it and post if you can/want... that would REALLY be appreciated. :o

MammaMia 21-03-2010 09:06 PM

I'm shaking, so angry & upset. Hugs please??? :'( :'(

Will reply to individual posts above mine later.

Scarletdreamer 21-03-2010 10:56 PM

*cuddles Hels* What's up, sweetheart? care to talk about it? My PM box is always open... *holds you gently and rocks you*

Am so ****ing anxious right now... am trying to distract and typing out stuff really helps but it feels like I am not going to get anything done at uni, and I really want to die but refuse to go into hospital because that would ruin all chances I have at finishing up the term - only 6 weeks left!! - etc., etc., etc...


I am hurting so so so much right now...

Kahlia1981 21-03-2010 11:06 PM

*hugs Hels*
*hugs April*
*hugs Mark*
*hugs Nicole*
*hugs anyone I've missed*
*hugs anyone who walks in*
*hugs everyone else*

I've got a 2 hour appointment with a psychologist today. I'm going to ask if I can have a smoke break in the middle. 2 hours is just so damn long to concentrate for. My father said to me "long sessions: unusual, but if you can find enough stuff to talk about for 2 hours..." I felt like saying to him "actually he just keeps asking me questions that I don't know the answer to so I respond with variants on the theme of "I don't know", "I don't remember" and "je ne sais pas". Meh. But at least it is someone in Qld Health who is on my side. Because no-one working for the hospital is on my side, that's for sure and certain.

*walks around and hugs everyone, pats puppy SinClair, takes puppy SinClair out for a short walk around the smoking shelter and praises him for doing his business outside, leaves a plate of Kit-Kats on the table and disappears into a dark corner to await further instructions from the leader of the "Vetinari for PM campaign"*

shadowedsoul 21-03-2010 11:30 PM

oh crap this day keeps grtting better and better. why the hell do i bother. curls up in corner sucks thumb cuddles doggy. the one thing im my life that wont let me down, sorry for being babyish, just feeling meh right now.

MammaMia 21-03-2010 11:44 PM

*cuddles Kahlia & April back*

Good Luck with today Kahlia :)
April, hope you feel less anxious soon.

So freaking angry & upset still. My sister's dog was attacked whilst we (being me, mum, amy & charlie) were walking & were nearly home. So effing angry. That owner couldn't even ****ing control his dog on the lead. It was my sister who got her dog free :'( He's got wounds =(

SoMuchMore 21-03-2010 11:48 PM

I feel so different... i dont know what is going on. Im having a hard time holding it all together again.

*cuddles everyone* sorry everyone is having such a hard time. Sorry i cant reply individually right now..

Kahlia1981 22-03-2010 12:05 AM

*hugs Hels* - Wow. Some dog owners really shouldn't own dogs. The place next door to my parents property had 2 cattle dogs, one of which attacked and killed my brother's family's dog. They were given orders to destroy the dog but instead got rid of the other dog and kept the one that had delivered the bite that had killed Tess. Sorry. *hugs you tightly*

*hugs Laura* - Sorry you are having such a hard time holding it all together. I hope you are okay. *huggles you*

*hugs Jill (shadowedsoul - not sure if I got that right)* - Don't worry. If you're feeling meh, then make use of this safe place. If there is any way we can help you then please let us know. *offers you hugs*

Hels: by the way, thanks. I'm a bit nervous about the appointment. It's a real bugger to get to. I have to catch a bus into the city and then walk around a hill, and the path leading to the part of the building I need to go to is seriously badly designed. Steep slopes with steps that when you are walking down them you basically feel like you are falling towards the street. ... It's built on the site of the old hospital. On the old psych ward to be exact. And keeps giving me a sense of time being not quite right lol.

*hugs everyone then slips back into the dark*

shadowedsoul 22-03-2010 12:14 AM

thank you kahlia for the hugs, yeah you got it right, iam jill. hmm unless you can sort out freinds and make them less insentive. sorry just told a freind something and there reply was to go offline on msn, great. meh =/ being held would be great about now, if okay, cool if not

Kahlia1981 22-03-2010 12:33 AM

*gently cuddles Jill* - Unfortunately friends can do that sometimes. I had a friend in high school (she was also my cousin) who couldn't deal with my SI and decided that she wouldn't speak to me. Not all friends are like that though. It's through these trials you find out who will stick with you until the end. *sits with you, holds you and offers you tissues if required*

MammaMia 22-03-2010 12:34 AM

*hugs Kahlia back*

That's disgusting!! I agree, some people really shouldn't own dogs >_> *cuddles tightly* Glad it wasn't worse for us :( Sorry it was for your brother. Not surprised you're nervous & getting there doesn't sound too fun either.

*hugs Jill & Laura*

Kahlia1981 22-03-2010 12:39 AM

*hugs Hels* - Yeah, I'm glad it wasn't worse as well. Psych visits can be a royal pain in the arse at times.

shadowedsoul 22-03-2010 12:43 AM

*holds on to tightly but gently* needs to feel safe sorry for being clingy. yeah its just makes me angery tho, she said ages ago she will always be there for me. mind you i did tell her somthing that might have been hard to take. but still,

Kahlia1981 22-03-2010 07:51 AM

*continues to gently hold Jill* - It's okay hun.
*hugs everyone*

Well my psychologist has done some tests and is positively convince that I don't have BPD (which the hospital keeps telling me I have). However, he summed it all up with "but I'm just a psychologist not a psychiatrist". I'll have a chat to my pdoc on Monday (29/03) and get him to have a chat with my tdoc and see if I can get some positive resolution regarding my dx.

*sigh* I got completely saturated after my appointment. But at least I'm home, and after a change of clothes, and dry now.

*hugs everyone tightly*

Scarletdreamer 22-03-2010 10:30 AM

I am so ****ing anxious right now... per usual. And it's only 5:30am!! Jarrod's staying home... again... and I feel guilty for making him miss work... again. And using up vacation time for what is basically home care... again. :crying: I feel so stupid!!!! and I can't stop thinking about it, and my stomach hurts, shoulders hurt, back hurts... just want to sleep away the day but I have to be at uni a long time today and I really just don't want to be. :crying:

I'm out of one of my antianxiety meds too and coming closer to running out of another. Hopefully I can get the mail-order script in soon enough... because I honestly cannot do without the Klonopin. I need to have at least 3mg/day of it or else I am super super anxious (hey, not much different from now... except I would imagine that it would be worse) so Jarrod will be picking up a script on Tuesday (tomorrow) hopefully, if he can get in to work without me flipping out. :(

I feel so stupid. Thank God I have a computer and can vent to people other than him and my bestie (who did come over yesterday for a brief time) who understand. Thanks, you guys, for putting up with me...

I'm sorry... *goes and hides in a dark corner* :crying:

Doikers 22-03-2010 11:19 AM

Oh wow so many posts since I was last online I don't think I can reply to them all
*Hugs to Jill , Kahlia , April , Helen and sorry if I missed anyone*.
I harmed this morning , it's alarming I was ok until the evening before, now it's the first thing I think about when I wake and by the evening I'm triggered again somedays . When I'm half awake half sleeping I "Dream" about it even ugh , My houseing support worker is coming by in 40 minutes hopefully . I hope we can sort out my MASSIVE energy bill and rent increase . the stress of that isn't helping me any .

*Continues to sit in the corner*

Scarletdreamer 22-03-2010 01:35 PM

*cuddles Mark* I'm sorry you're feeling rubbishy... I hope that your housing support worker can help you sort out the issues that need to be sorted out!! And I hope that s/he shows up this time!! I wish I could help you feel better... is there anything I/we can do? do you have any idea what is triggering you? *more cuddles*

*cuddles Jill, Hels, Kahlia, LauraStar, anyone I've missed*

Am feeling a bit better now but TOTALLY overwhelmed by coursework... there is so much of it to be done and it doesn't feel like I can do a single frickin' thing... I have no energy, no motivation... I honestly just want to sleep away the rest of the term. I have a takehome exam that is due on Thursday and I haven't even started it... am so behind on chapter readings for so many classes... and I have a group discussion to help lead this afternoon, which is frustrating too, because I feel so ****ing unprepared!!


Doikers 22-03-2010 01:44 PM

My houseing worker came early , I have to go to some offices to make sure my houseing benefit covers my new rent , we are going on Friday , I can't do it alone , I don't have the confidence .
He said that the huge energy bill was'nt mine and not to worry about it .

I wish I knew what my triggers were , I just AM triggered automatically , it's my default setting , it's so frustrating trying to figure out whats causing me to feel so crap only to come up empty handed .

*Hugs April*Just take your coursework a little at a time , it sounds like you have a lot to do , I'd be overwhelmed too , just take baby steps if that makes sense , don't try and tackle it all at once just a bit at a time.

Scarletdreamer 22-03-2010 01:54 PM

Thanks Mark. *hugs* I'm glad that the huuuuge bill wasn't yours to worry about, that's lovely. :) And it sucks that you're automatically triggered... do you think that it could be cyclical? I mean, it sounds like it is... a certain time of night/morning is causing you to be triggered. I don't know though - just speculation on my part!!

I am trying to find a journal article that I have to post on today... and I can't find it!! If only the people who are leading the discussion had included a link. :( I feel so stupid... who can't find a journal article with the title and everything?!?!

Sorry, am just soo overwhelmed right now. :crying:

Doikers 22-03-2010 02:34 PM

It could be cyclical April , does waking up count as a trigger? ug and the urges tend to start first thing in the day and then again once it gets dark , I think you could be onto something there .My Pdoc's only answer is to throw away my tools but I know in the moment I would find something to harm with so thats no help.
I meet a pychohogist about my S.I. but I have had enough sessions as she is very popular and has a long waiting list so we are winding down our sessions so someone else can meet with her . Leaving her kind of sucks I find talking to her helpful, sorry I went off on a mini ramble there *Huggles April*

Scarletdreamer 22-03-2010 04:44 PM

I guess it depends what you do upon waking up? or if you are just in a constantly triggered state, I don't know. I mean, if you see a sharp object in the bathroom or kitchen soon after you get out of bed, or shortly start thinking about SI, etc., then yeah, waking up could seem like a trigger. Does that make any sense?? *huggles Mark*

I am at uni now... really don't want to be. I totally forgot which classes I had today for a little while... heh... and so forgot to bring a notebook for one of them. No biggie - I hardly ever take notes in that class anyway (senior sem). We're leading a group discussion, me and two girls who are in the same sorority (*gag*) and who are also roommates (I think), so I feel a bit left out in the cold yet at the same time it feels like I am the group leader!! and inre leading the discussion, I am wearing a WoW twofer today and sweats... so I don't look very pretty. Heh. Oh well. I am also wearing my glasses because I am so exhausted, which "makes me look smarter" according to my bestie (gee thanks... lol)... I hate glasses but oh well. I much prefer my contacts but getting up before 5am and being on campus until past 5pm = bad idea for having contacts in.

I really need to do schoolwork but REALLY don't want to... :crying: Anxious and just want to cuddle with my husband and sleep. But I don't want to end up like my gram, who killed herself after coping with "bad nerves" for much of her life. :(

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