*Cuddles Scarletdreamer*
I had a horrible Diazapam hangover , my arms and legs are still tired from it , had to try and nap . Still I didn't S.I. and I so easily could of done.

I went round all the shops earlier looking at the booze , didn't buy any though , I guess thats a little victory for me :)

i want to not exist please.

Will hug you later but at the moment I am radioactive and may infect you.

i'm
struggling,
cant find anyone to talk to, my confidence to ask for help has like, gone:/
madness,
haha :) amberrI dont like my namee, its boring :L
x

*cuddles everyone*

Crying again. Great :/

April, thank you for the pm, helped more than you could ever know xxx

*hugs Doikers* yes. you made sense and helped a bit. i cut today. as planned. i don't think i even care anymore. hell...handbasket....me.

*cuddles scarlet* i am not really ok. but better than i could be i guess. so thank you for asking. your cat sounds cute. my cat right now is sitting on the keyboard of my bf's laptop cleaning his paws. he's getting very sleepy. then waking up cuz he hits a button or two and the chime dings.


i made the appointment to be evaluated for intensive outpatient program. i am terrified. i don't know if i'll go through with it but at least i made the appt.

*hugs to all* i'm going to my mom's house to deliver her a valentine. i like to pretend that i am nice.

*cuddles everyone*

I've express mailed my complaint to the Health Quality & Complaints Committee today. Am writing an application and cover letter for a job tomorrow morning. Trying to get hold of my new pdoc to get an urgent med change because this depression just won't let go of me. So over everything. I just want to disappear from this world. The pain of living makes me struggle. *sigh* I know these episodes usually end - but they usually end with me doing something stupid ... so that's not much solace. I wish that I could outrun my skin and be just wind ...

*duddles helen* i hope u stop crying soon :-( Im sorry things are crappy right now.

*hugs quiet1* i think its good that you made the appointment. Try to follow thru with it. Hand in there.

*hugs kahlia" good job on mailing your complaint and good luck on your job application. Sounds like you are trying to make positive steps. I hope that you don't do anything.. Stay strong.

*cuddles everyone else* - sorry there have been a lot of replies so i decided to start over with the top of this page.

I talked to my friend tonight. I almost broke down into tears several times. He is trying to help, I am grateful.. but Im so scared that if i keep talking he will leave like everyone else does that i trust. He says he wont.. i just think he will get sick of listening. He told me that people care about me.. that he cares about me... I almost lost it right there. Nobody ever tells me that in real life.

*cuddles everyone*

Laura(star): I'm trying to make positive steps. It's just that everything is such a struggle. *sigh*

Thank you all for your support.

I got a phone call from the crisis team today. The guy I talked to is the guy from there I talked to on Friday. He actually seemed a bit concerned that the depression wasn't lifting. He said they would give me a call on Friday or Saturday .... I won't believe it until it happens. It came out of the blue.

Erg. Is there any way to switch a head/brain off for a few hours so that I can have some depression free time? Any ideas?

*cuddles Helen* How are you feeling this morning, love? And you're welcome for the PM, it's the least I can do!!

*cuddles LauraStar* I'm glad that you got a chance to talk with your friend - & I'm glad that you got a chance to hear what we've been telling you - IRL. :) People do care... it's just that it's SO hard to see it when we are in bad places such as these.

*cuddles Kahlia* It does sound like you're making positive steps... please try & stay safe, I know you are, just keep trying!! Also, what job for which are you applying? That definitely sounds positive... maybe if it's something that you enjoy it will help lift you out of your depression. I'm glad that the guy from the crisis team called (what exactly is a crisis team? just what it sounds like? people who come out [house calls] for people in crisis?)... hopefully he will call back later this week to check on you. *more cuddles*

*cuddles quiet1* Sorry, I forget your name - again!! lol. :o Try not to be too scared of the IOP program... it may sound intimidating & be intimidating at the beginning, but I think it will help. Your chance to get more intense treatment without being hospitalized. Please take the chance... dive right in & work on getting back to your healthy, happy self. And if there never were a healthy, happy self, then maybe this will help create one. How are you doing this morning?

Mark, LauraFriend, Jocelyn, Ambs, anyone else I forgot (& I know I'm missing people) - how are you guys all doing today? *cuddles all*

I'm really tired. And frustrated with myself. I got my portfolio done for yesterday, spent a few hours on it and then the prof didn't even collect them. :( Today I have a health psych exam (at one, it's 8am now) and I haven't completed studying for that yet... so I really need to do that!! I feel so ****ing incompetant... such a bad student... it's like everything is being put off until the last minute. :(

And then for advanced counseling techniques, I need to read the chapter and outline it and study stuff online - I swear that this prof has more work to her course(s) than most others do!! I really feel like I'm falling behind in that class... my head is drowning in all of the stuff I have to get done before 1pm today... and I don't want to do any of it. :(

Stupid self. I really need to DIE. :crying:

*hugs for everyone*

*scarlet* I have never really been happy. I have been ok though. Like. Content. Anyways. I just woke up. Slept like crap because the closet door was open. OCD. But for some reason I didn't close it. I think because my bf and I had a little argument before I went to sleep. Home alone again today. Ugh.

I hope your exam goes well. Try not to beat your self up too much. I remember all too clearly how stressfull college was. Some profs are terrible and give way too much work. They act as though you only have their class to prepare for. You're not a bad student or a bad person. And you certainly don't need to die.

It's ok to feel overwhelmed. Take a short break and try to refocus. I think it's great that you finished your portfolio! 1 less thing to worry about. You have several hours still to get things done and worrying about it just eats time. You'll get finished whatever you can.

*Sending you lots of helpful thoughts. And a team of fairies to help with your work.

*Hugs Scarletdreamer* You don't need to die , you are not a bad person , you've been totally welcoming and friendly to me and have helped me fit in and feel comfy here no end .

I am still hungover from my pysch meds and am having issues getting hold of my correct dosage which should be stressing me out but I just feel numb :S

Quiet1 & Mark, you can call me April. :) Much shorter than typing out "Scarlet" or "Scarletdreamer." ♥

Thanks, quiet1, for the support. You're right, the portfolio is one thing down - but I still have to revise it. :( Boo hiss. I have so many things that I need to do & I feel so overwhelmed. The only reason that I'm on RYL at the moment is because a video on person-centred therapy is downloading for advanced counseling. I hope my exam goes well also - but I'm really scared about it & don't feel prepped at all. I guess I do still have quite a few hours to finish up studying for it & getting stuff together for advanced counseling though... I wish I weren't such a freaking procrastinator... I nauseate myself. :(

*cuddles Mark if that's okay?* I'm glad that I made you feel welcome here. :) That's my job :P ... as a member and frequent poster in this thread I want to welcome each new face. Anyway. How're you doing today? how're you feeling?

I just posted in my r/v thread... link is in my sig if anyone cares to take a look. Probably SUI trig. *sigh* :(

*cuddles April*

Work sounds sucky :( You're not a bad student though and you don't need to die :( You need to kee fighting and holding on, which I KNOW you can. *cuddles tight*

*cuddles everyone else*

I still feel rough , I either need to hurt myself or I need a drink .It's been nearly 2 years since I Drank any booze at all and I'm wondering if I could control it now. I haven't S.I.ed since the 22nd of January but its just getting harder and I KNOW I wont be able to control it if I start that again . I Take Diazapam which calms me down some but it's either the drink or he S.I. that I need as a coping mechinism , I just can't cope much longer without at least one of them . Sorry to rant. I've posted about this elsewhere but I needed to get it off my chest .

*Hugs April back (if ok)* Hugs and cuddles are always ok for me April :)

*hugs kahlia* at least the crisis guy called... I hope he does again.

*hugs april* I know ppl tell me they care on here... Its different in real life though. Anyway, im sorry that uni is overwhelming you.. mines really bad too right now. Hopefully some of the pressure lifts soon.

*hugs quiet1* im sorry you and ur bf got in a fight. Hope you are okay.

*hugs mark* Good job on not drinking and not SIing! I know it can be hard when its your main coping mechanism but try to keep fighting it. And its okay to rant in here. I do it all the time :-)

*cuddles helen*

Slept like crap, and tuesdays are my worst day of the week. I hope i can find time to squeeze in a nap b/c i know i'll need it.

*cuddles Laura*

*cuddles Helen* Thanks, love. Yeah, school is really sucky right now - am taking a quick break from doing the concept sheets for health psych, should've done them over the weekend, stupid-ass me, but oh well. I feel so dumb!!! *bangs head against wall* So now I'm going to read about person-centered therapy... :( ...I'm terrified that the prof is going to expect us all to have everything about person-centered therapy memorized, because that's how she is. I HATE that class!!! :crying:

*cuddles LauraStar* I'm sorry that Tuesdays suck so much. My Wednesdays suck, so yeah, I can understand. :( Maybe have a diet Coke or a hot black tea, or something else that has caffeine so you can make it through your 6 hours of class without dozing off? I don't know if you "do caffeine" though...

*cuddles Mark* Sure, hugs & cuddles are always welcome!! :) I am a very huggy person IRL too... hehe. Good job for staying away from SI and alcohol for so long, that's very brilliant!! :D You can keep making it through... please don't give in... you can do it. *more cuddles* I understand about the SI though... I have mostly got it under control but sometimes the urges are really bad. Lately though, I've been struggling more with bulimic urges. :( *sigh*

I'm so sick of uni... just want to make it disappear. I HATE IT!!!! I just want to be done, have a good job, and not have to worry about finances or paying off student loans (although I only have one, thank God!!). I am so sick of going to classes, doing schoolwork, stressing out over everything, etc., etc., etc. :( Oh well. Sorry to whinge so ****ing much over uni though... you all must be sick of hearing about it.

*hides* :crying:

*Hugs April* I'm not sick of hearing about you and uni, I'll listen anytime, sometimes its good to get things out you know .

I think the powers that be have upped my antidepressants without even telling me so I'm a bit irked about that , I went to pick up my AD's and they are a higher doseage than I was expecting , If they are gonna monkey around with my meds it seems to me that the right thing to do is too TELL ME! , ugh sorry.

Laura , I hope you have a nice nap :)

I'm going to my parents from tommorow until friday as my little sister is getting married :) Anyway I'll be on a shared computer so I might not be around for a few days so don't worry if I don't post , things will be wedding grade hectic

argh!!!! im so over all of this ****. just want to curl up and die, i know my freind is worried about me, but cutting is the only thing thats working right now, it get rid of everthing iam feeling, yeah i know its not health, but its that or i do something worse. crap.

*more hugs for helen*

*cuddles april* its ok to whine about uni... its not even whining.. its what is on ur mind. School really sucks sometimes. Think about how close you are to being done.

*hugs mark* sorry your having problems with your meds. Have fun at your sister's wedding!

*hugs jill* You could try to explain the situation to your friend, if u already havent? Try to avoid doing anything worse hun. Hang in there.

Took a short nap... but now its back to more uni work. I am supposed to write an article about a news release... but my sources arent getting back to me and im starting to freak out about it.

tires. and sick KTHNX
:'(

I have finally had enough.
*cries*
I soooo need to go next week, we spent since November.
I need a break from all this **** and my head.
Please :'(

Sorry, no individual responses right now, am not doing well.

Want to binge so badly... there's not a lot of food in the apartment but what there is, I ****ing WANT.

:crying:

Why can't I just let my ED take over? why do I have to keep fighting it? It's not FAIR... it's not easy, it's not fun, it damn SUCKS and I don't know if I can keep fighting it.

:crying:

*cuddles April* I'm sorry your feeling so bad, I guess you keep fighting because somewhere inside you is some strength and determination that wont let you give up.

*cuddles ambear*

*cuddles Helen* I'm sorry there is a lot of stuff going on in your head right now it really sucks

I havnt cut for 3 weeks now, but really need to right now, I'm shaking, heart pounding. I just sent a letter to my quintet, via facebook, coming out to them as trans, I have no idea when any of them will read it and have no idea how any of them will react, just really scared

*curls up and cries*
Just want this to STOP and GO AWAY.

*cuddles everyone who can accept cuddles*

Sorry for the lack of individual replies. I have read all the posts since I last posted but I had to struggle with the simple things (like turning the computer on) and am just feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I remember someone - I think it was you April? - asking about the crisis team. Here they are technically called the Community Assessment and Treatment Team (CATT). They are basically the community face of the hospital - they perform home visits and make over-the-phone or face-to-face assessments. Their scope is fairly limited. Mostly they deal with people over the phone and if the condition of the person is bad enough they can arrange an ambulance or whatever. They can also do things like holding medication if there is an OD risk and the like. Oh, and are able to arrange med scripts if the person is allied with either a Case Manager or a public pdoc. Sorry, not sure if that makes sense.

This morning I wrote the job application. It's for a Medical Typist at an Opthalmology Clinic. Starting out at 1 day a week with the possibility to extending to 2 days a week in the next 6 months.

My mother rang me today. I spoke to her on Monday so I wasn't expecting a call until about Friday. I only mention it because she is traveling around Australia, they are currently in Victoria.

The mood still hasn't lifted. Still strong urges and dangerous thoughts. I'm running out of ideas now ... *sigh* But we make it through minute by minute ... right?

*hugs everyone then disappears into a cool, dark corner*

*cuddles Oliver* I hope that you managed to make it through without cutting, love. You don't "need" to cut... it feels like that because it's an addiction but you really need to find other ways to cope. But aside from that - well done on three weeks!! - that's awesome. :D How are you doing today?

*cuddles Helen* PM me if you ever want to, 'kay, sweetie? how are you feeling now?

*cuddles Kahlia* Yeh, it was me asking about the crisis team. That makes sense. There's nothing like that in the States, as far as I know... would kind of be nice if there were... IF they were effective. Well done on writing up the job app; that can be difficult especially when you're in a bad place!! Hope you start feeling better soon... *more cuddles*

I really really want to binge right now... have already had a "mini-binge" and really want more more more. STUPID ME!!! I hate myself so much... I'm not a good person at all. :( Make it stop, please please, make it stop... :crying:

*cuddles everyone*

I got the best ever post today, am so happy :D :D :D

However I feel pretty ****, almost numb & think I may have made a situation worse :S

How can you feel **** and happy at the same time? lol... I guess I understand but still it sounds kind of off. *cuddles* Want to talk about it? or not, that's fine too!! :)

*hides*

Because I am clever like that? I don't feel happy as a general emotion, just happy I got some photos. But my general emotion is feeling ****. That makes sense??

Hehe, yus you are clever like that. ;) But yeah, what you said makes sense. *cuddles* Sorry if what I said came off sounding mean or anything... :(

Ugh. Don't want to do uni work. *temper tantrum* :P

No it didn't sweetheart, don't worry *squishes*

My foot is giving me hell, should get it looked at really...:|

*squishes back* What's wrong with your foot, love?

I'm doing uni work, just taking a break... reading articles on leadership. *gags* Boring as hell - at least the second article is. It's just going over the different types of leadership... the first thing I had to read was a chapter from a book and at least that was kind of interesting. :-/ Gahhh... I HATE SCHOOL. :(

I has a kitty in my lap, snuggly warm & purring. Anyone want kitty snuggles? :D

I think I'll paint my nails. Sometime, anyway. It's been too long since I've pampered myself that way. :)

*squishes*

Really painful :( I think I've done something to my right foot, well my toes. You know when you get like pins & needles? It's like that, but when I get those normally, I can still flatten my toes okay, I can't at the moment I can't even walk on my foot properly today. My toes pratically feel numb, but when I scratch my toe next to my big one, it really kills. It's like I've cut the back of my big toe but I haven't Also my big toe keeps itching like something's irrtating it, espically on the side. When I bend my toe, it's really sore like I have a cut in the fold (if that makes sense )...does any of that make sense? I've started having the pins&needles feeling in one/two other toes in my other left foot earlier today. It originally started aroud sat/sun in my right foot.

i cancelled my appt.
*epic fail*

i'm just not bad enough to need it. i'm fine.

*fist head*

i am not having a good nite.
this presentation i went to today was really triggering for me. i am having thoughts about suicide and lots of other violent things. i know its the ocd. i just cant make it stop.

why can't my life just be ****ing easy? or over? one or the ****ing other?
i hate it.
and i cancelled this appt because i am not bad enough. ha. wtf was i thinking? is this not bad enough? the nature of my illness is that i don't think i am ill. hahahahahaha.

i am out of my ****ing mind.

*cuddles everyone*

I have to give an hour long speech tomorrow.. or well technically, "lead a class discussion"

Freaking out.

...Social Anxiety take me away.

*cuddles Helen* That sounds downright awful; you really ought to go see someone about it. :( It must hurt so much - & yes, what you said about it makes sense. :) How're you doing this morning?

*cuddles quiet1* Awh love, I'm so sorry that you cancelled the appt. Is it possible for you to make another? You do need the help, you really do... please try & take care of yourself & don't give in to those thoughts. Pamper yourself some. Try to relax a little. I understand about how OCD thoughts just go 'round & 'round & 'round, but please, keep fighting, sweetie. How's the morning going for you?

*cuddles Laura* Eugh I don't blame you for being scared... is this a group project or do you have to do it alone? & how many people are in your class? That's something that would take desensitization to get used to... I'm pretty used to getting up in front of people now but I still get anxious, sweaty-palmed & tight-chested. It sucks. :( How're you doing now?

*cuddles everyone else* How're you all doing today?

Well, I managed to get through the worst day of my week, yesterday... my last class (Women & Spirituality, night class, 3 hours long) seemed like 3 classes as we had another prof speaking about the Berber women for an hour, then one of the two women teaching the class teaching about the Demeter & Persephone myth (as that has to do with the next book we're reading), and then we watched a film on Hildegard von Bingen. So it felt sooo long. :(

Oh well. It's over now... and I have a few hours before I have to go to tutoring!! Woohoo... heh.

I'm not doing great mentally. I mini-binged yesterday & am scared that I will have gained weight even though I haven't weighed myself since the beginning of December. :( Stupid, stupid, STUPID me!!! :(

*sigh*

*drops in with smoothies and leaves some on the table*

I have work today. I don't want to go. I had a really terrible dream last night. Lots of blood. I'm thinking about calling to reschedule my appt with the iop people. I am scared. I'm really scared.

*hugs everyone*

Quiet1, I think you should call & reschedule. *cuddles* You need the help... it's scary, yes, but I think it would be very very good for you to get more intensive treatment.

Thanks Jet!! *hugs* How you doing today?

*cuddles Helen* What's up this morning, love?

I'm really tired, cranky, anxious, etc., etc. But I'm trying to focus on the positive. *sigh* It's really difficult.

*hugs april* My speech is with one other person in a class of 20... so i know its not like 200 ppl or anything.. but for me, it doesn't matter how many ppl.. u attach the word "presentation" to an assigment and i freak out.. especially with it being an hour long.

Night classes suck. That one I have is 4 hours so I know what u mean. And you are not stupid. Dont beat yourself up about the mini-binge. Just try to move forward.

*hugs jet* thanks for the smoothie! yum!

*hugs quiet1* Im sorry that you had bad dreams. I think that you should re-schedule if you are feeling up to it.

*hugs helen* your foot doesnt sound good. you should go to the doctor maybe. Hope you are alright.

I also had bad dreams last night... They are probably anxiety related though. This is going to be such a nerve-wrecking day. wish me luck getting thru.

My foot is still bad >.> Couldn't get an appointment for today, so going to ask my mum to try get me one for tomorrow. I can't stand it any longer. Had a really bad morning. I went to bed about 2am say, watched some telly and started dozing off, so turned it off to sleep, course I couldn't sleep. It got to half 5 and I was crying :| I was so annoyed and in so much pain by then. Eventually fell asleep and slept for ages :|

Don't know how I feel...****?

*cuddles Helen* Glad you're going to get an appt, love.

I'm really tired & feeling kind of **** too. :(

*cuddles everyone*

I'm knackered, but its my fault for watching curling until 5.30 am, but it was good.
Someone can say one small thing that can really make you smile and make you think that maybe not everyone in the world is against you.

Now I remember what I ****ing hate about work. Me. And every other thing in my life.

Got an appt with my psych today. I called and asked if she had any cancellations. Turns out she did. Now I have to tell her that I cancelled my appt for the eval. I suck at life

**** **** ****.
Things just get worse and worse.
I need a break from this :crying:

I need a break too. I think we all do.

Just ate a large supper out and I really really want to purge.

Think positive, April.............