Thanks. I did end up out wandering at 1am. In short sleeved PJs. :/ It felt like something very important to do and when I was out it felt like it wasn't really happening. I walked for about 10 minutes then heard people and got scared in case they hurt me and I turned back and went home. The men were asking me to do more when I got home, to go and lie on the pavement, I managed to distract myself for a while and then was tempted to go and do what they said but I forced myself to stay in bed. I don't want anyone to hurt me. I don't mind if they kill me but I don't want to be hurt and alive and going out at 1am when the other world is more accessible is a way to protect myself. I want to be where the men are, where I belong. I will try hard to stay in tonight because I didn't achieve anything last night when I went out. There's something important about the cold too and exposing myself to the elements for a layer of protection so I'm going to try and wear as little clothing as possible when I'm out. Not naked, don't worry. I don't want people to look at me like I'm weird so I'll have to go places in my car and just walk short distances outside in a long sleeved t-shirt.

I think you need to tell someone about this to help keep you safe. Could you try phoning crisis just before you reach the point of going out?

I hope you can stay indoors and warm tonight. Is there anything that will help keep you indoors and safe?

Crisis finish at 10pm. I could try phoning tonight and seeing if they have suggestions to get through the night, and I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow. The thing is I don't think it's really that important for me to stay at home tonight, it's likely to be more important that I build up my protective layer outside. I will be able to withstand the cold for a longer period of time than most because of the machinery inside me. I need more communication from the men, or maybe it's actually clear what I have to do since they bluntly told me to go and lie on the pavement. It doesn't seem like a fully formed plan yet. Confused.

It’s far too cold to be out, and you don’t want to make yourself ill. Speaking to crisis is a good idea. I hope they can help you. Tell your cpn too tomorrow.

I'm not sure if there's a point in phoning crisis. Don't know if my CPN will let me talk about things tomorrow or if she'll focus the conversation on what I disclosed a couple of weeks ago.

Thinking of you lovely.

Thanks. Much love.

Tell your cpn what you would like to talk about and where you would like help on.

I will try, it's sometimes hard to get to say what I need to. I remember with many professionals in the past they were asking me questions and in my head I was thinking 'please ask me this question.' If my CPN starts right away with what I disclosed to the extended hours CPNs then I probably won't have enough time to mention anything else that has been going on.

I don't know what to do about tonight. I think I have to take some action to go out and find the way to the other world but I'll end up failing without more guidance. I'm tempted to just go and hide somewhere outside and lie down and see how long I can stay there. I've just washed my hair so that won't be happening right now anyway. I phoned crisis but someone answered who I didn't feel able to talk to. If I phone back it will probably be someone I really, really can't talk to who answers.

I wish I had useful advice. I hope you can stay safe indoors tonight. I’m sorry you are struggling so much.

Thank you for your continued support. I might try once more to phone crisis and force myself to talk unless the person who answers is the person who just makes me feel worse. Kind of torn about doing it though since I have a sleeping kitty making very contented noises on my lap and I don't want to get up and have to disturb him.

You are very welcome. Giving crisis another try is a good plan. I’m sure your kitty won’t mind. I hope you get to speak to someone helpful.

I phoned crisis and got through to one of the people I'm most comfortable talking to. She said she doesn't want me to go out tonight since it's so cold and I could get hypothermia if I lie outside for a while. I understand that it seems objectively risky but it's not that risky for someone who isn't a full human being. She said I'm an adult and it's up to me what I do but she's advising me not to go out. I must be bad because I feel like it's something I actually want to do. It's hard to resist repetitive urges/messages/wants. She's looking on Youtube for something for me to watch tonight and is going to phone me back when she finds something.

I hope you managed to stay indoors. Well done for phoning crisis.

Thanks. I ended up in my garden for a little while through the night, was too hard to resist. It was much harder to stay there than it was when I was walking, cold! Don't know what the next step is to be honest. I saw my CPN today and she said much the same as the person I spoke to on crisis, that they can't stop me from doing these things but I need to think about my physical health and try to distract myself. My CPN did mention what I disclosed to the extended hours CPNs and asked if it was something I wanted to talk about but I said it wasn't at the front of my mind so much right now. She didn't seem angry or judgemental but who knows what she was thinking or what she had discussed with other people. I won't be seeing her any more, just the other CPN now. I hope we can have a good relationship.

I don't want to do this. 'This' being life. I need some guidance from the men about what the next steps are because no human can give me the guidance I need. I have tried for many years to work through things on a human level but of course I'll fail when I don't fully belong in the human world. There seems to be no solution and I am hurting. Can't keep doing this. Feeling so completely hopeless.

I’m so sorry things seem so hopeless. I wish I had useful words, but I have read. Thinking of you.

Thank you.

Sorry to keep posting here in whatever form this exists. I don't fully exist and feel like I need to find something risky to do to test this and I don't even know what I'd be testing because there can be no consequences. I am imagining that I am posting here. I can't think of anything really risky to do. I can't keep on existing and not existing in this state. I don't know what I am for sure. I don't know what people can see of me. I need to end my partial existence.

Spoke to someone good on crisis. Back in the land of existing more.