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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 21-01-2020 03:17 PM

You're so kind to me. I dont deserve it.

I missed my CPNs call. Called back and shes in MDT.

I know Im being pathetic and staying in bed all day and I know its making me worse but I can't seem to drag myself out when theres no point. My life is so pointless. And I don't want to inflict my sadness on other people.

tamobhuuta 21-01-2020 03:45 PM

If you scheduled an outside activity every day, would you feel more purposeful or is this coming from the inside?

chinahorse 21-01-2020 03:52 PM

From the inside I think. Its so hard to motivate myself to do anything. And I don't want to end up doing things just for the sake of doing things.

tamobhuuta 21-01-2020 03:57 PM

I do things to pass the time and stop anxiety ruining my day. I think it's ok to do things 'for the sake of it' if it stops you losing it just this moment. But it is often hard to find the motivation so I can understand that.

one_step_closer 21-01-2020 04:34 PM

Lillie, you deserve so much kindness and I'm sorry that you can't see that or feel it. I do hope that will change. You don't sound pathetic at all, you sound low and feeling like things are pointless and hopeless. That's a hard place to be in but please try not to let it swallow you or things will likely just get worse. Will your CPN phone back? Can you try again if you need to? Are there any volunteering opportunities you might be interested in? I agree with Tamo that it's ok to do things just for the sake of doing them if they're going to help you get through and maybe distract you from things for a bit. I often feel like I'm wasting time but if I wasn't doing an activity I'd be really distressed so it does have a purpose. What would a purposeful activity be for you?

Shirayuki 21-01-2020 06:36 PM

I agree full out with Lindsay Lillie. You deserve alot of kindness, I'm sorry you can't see that, maybe listen to some music? I've found that it helps me sometimes.

chinahorse 21-01-2020 10:03 PM

I cant keep going. Everything is pointless. Im so sad.

tamobhuuta 22-01-2020 01:05 PM

How was your night? Sending love.

one_step_closer 22-01-2020 01:10 PM

*hugs if ok* I know the feeling of not being able to carry on but still continuing is a tough one. How are you today?

chinahorse 24-01-2020 01:39 PM

I feel very distressed. I didnt get the job they asked me to apply for and contacted me to interview for. Feel so pointless. Worthless. Useless. I tried and failed and now I'm back stuck again. Life is pointless. I'm going nowhere and doing nothing.

one_step_closer 24-01-2020 02:04 PM

You're not any of those negative things but I know it can feel like that. Especially after not getting the job I can imagine those feelings will be heightened. Lots of people are unsuccessful at job interviews and that doesn't make them pointless etc, it also doesn't mean you won't be successful with another interview and maybe that job would be better suited to you so you'd be glad you didn't get this one. Have you considered volunteering? I know I keep mentioning it. That would give you purpose and boost your CV. Please be kind to yourself.

chinahorse 24-01-2020 02:16 PM

You cant be a volunteer dental nurse.

one_step_closer 24-01-2020 02:23 PM

Of course, but most kinds of volunteering are seen as positive to employers. It wouldn't have to be related to dentistry, if there is something else you might be interested in or get some enjoyment from. You could maybe do something in healthcare though like volunteer visiting if you were up for that.

chinahorse 24-01-2020 03:45 PM

I dont enjoy anything.

The gp is off sick and the surgery told me 20 minutes after I was ment to get a call. And the cat bot me drawing blood and creating a bruise.

It's all too much now.

one_step_closer 24-01-2020 03:49 PM

I'm sorry you haven't had the support you were supposed to get today. Will something be rearranged? Do you need to contact anyone else if they can offer something? It's hard to enjoy things when you feel so low etc, but trying something new might surprise you. I can understand the cat biting you making everything seem even bigger and less manageable, little things often do. Is there anything safe you can do right now that would help?

chinahorse 26-01-2020 08:29 PM

I feel so sad and fed up. Very low. I dont see a point in carrying on living. I'm not going to do it tonight. I cant be bothered.

one_step_closer 27-01-2020 03:19 PM

How are you today?

chinahorse 02-02-2020 06:48 PM

Can I have a little support?

Ive got a new job. Start Tuesday. Im pleased and excited but also terrified. Its led to self harm already and Im worried the cutting will turn to burning which would be much more serious and jeopardise the new job.

Im scared that I will have forgotten everything and won't be good enough.

The Man is telling me to burn or I will hurt people.

Physically Im scared I won't cope with going straight to full time. My pain levels are better now Im back on meds but not as good as they were before meds were stopped. And the exhaustion and fatigue is really bad. At the moment I can't even stay awake the whole day. Walking to the bus feels like a marathon. How am I going to do that, a full day at work, and commute 55 minutes on a bus each way?

I want to do this. I do. I'm just scared.

tamobhuuta 02-02-2020 06:57 PM

It's understandable that you are scared. Burning yourself won't help other people, I promise.

nonperson 02-02-2020 07:15 PM

Is this something you could talk to your new employers about? They may be able to possibly start you off part-time for a little while. I don't know what you've told them already, if anything, but they seemed really keen to hire you (and rightly so) which makes me think they would be understanding and do what they can to make things easier for you.

I can guarantee you won't have forgotten everything though! Hurting yourself, whatever the reason, will just exacerbate the struggles you have already. Why does the man think you will hurt people? Do YOU think you will hurt people if you don't hurt yourself?

chinahorse 02-02-2020 07:23 PM

I haven't told them anything apart from I lost my last job due to a serious cooking accident and burn that required surgery. In explanation of why I wear a pressure sleeve and time off. They asked me if I had any health problems that meant I may need to take time off work and I said no.

I will do some revision tomorrow which will help I think.

The Man says I'm evil. I believe Him. Im getting very stressed and panicky.

nonperson 02-02-2020 07:35 PM

Do you think you should tell them the truth?

You're not evil at all and I don't believe you'd hurt anyone. I'm sure everyone here would say the same and we outnumber the man. Try not to believe him.

chinahorse 02-02-2020 07:38 PM

Not at the minute. I dont they would keep me if they knew.

I just am struggling to take the risk and not hurt myself. Besides, its all I'm good at. Hurting myself.

tamobhuuta 02-02-2020 07:50 PM

I agree with np. The Man lies. I'm sure you are good at your job, and other things besides. But even if you weren't, you would still be a valuable human being.

nonperson 02-02-2020 08:07 PM

That is fair enough. See how things go first. I know you like to push yourself to do everything but asking for help is not a weakness, it is actually a strength. I'm not nagging (I hope I don't sound like I am), I just think it will make things easier if you're not feeling like you need to cover everything up and do everything alone.

I don't think a person's worth should ever be judged on the pain they inflict upon themselves. Not just in self harm terms, we're all our own worst critics and it's so so easy to believe what we think of ourselves over what other people think but we never ever are all the bad things we think we are. You aren't the bad person you believe you are.

I say take the risk, Lillie. I am absolutely certain you won't hurt people if you don't do what the man says.

chinahorse 02-02-2020 09:47 PM

It would just be better if I hung myself tonight.

Pi.R^2 02-02-2020 09:52 PM

It wouldn't. Nothing is made better by a wonderful human not being here anymore.

And hurting yourself isn't all you are good at. You are good at dental nursing, being a general superhuman, caring for people and making yule log when everyone else including the host buggers off to the park :P

chinahorse 02-02-2020 09:59 PM

I just cant. I cant.

And I'm fairly sure that was lio

Elmer 02-02-2020 11:27 PM

You are good at so much Lillie. You have a huge heart and you are one of the cleverest people I know. Your honesty and humour are incredible in the face of all you have been through.

This place certainly wouldn't be the same without you.

Shirayuki 03-02-2020 07:05 PM


Originally Posted by Elmer (Post 4261078)
You are good at so much Lillie. You have a huge heart and you are one of the cleverest people I know. Your honesty and humour are incredible in the face of all you have been through.

This place certainly wouldn't be the same without you.

very true, we all need you China ^^

chinahorse 03-02-2020 09:02 PM

I'm so scared now. I had really bad panic attack today and by the time I'd recovered enough it was too late to call the mh team.

I really don't know if I can do this. I'm really scared.

nonperson 03-02-2020 09:21 PM

Do you think you could call them tomorrow? Might be useful to speak to someone during the day.

chinahorse 03-02-2020 10:13 PM

I will probably try to at least be in the same room as the other staff at lunch.

nonperson 04-02-2020 08:30 AM

I meant talking to mental health professionals for some extra support.

Good luck today!

tamobhuuta 04-02-2020 08:52 AM

Is today your new job? Good luck x

Indigo. 04-02-2020 09:56 AM

Good luck Lillie <3

chinahorse 04-02-2020 08:06 PM

Thanks guys. I survived lord knows how.

nonperson 04-02-2020 08:33 PM

Well done =) You're stronger than you realise, you know.

Was any of it enjoyable?

chinahorse 04-02-2020 09:01 PM

The hygienist I was working with was absolutely lovely. And she said she enjoyed working with me.

When I turned up I had to wait outside for 10 minutes also didnt have the code to the door. When I finally got in none of the staff were expecting me. The semi area manager turned up and hadnt even ordered my uniform so jn wearing trousers a size too big and only have 1 trouser and top in a job you need clean every day for. And they didn't have shoes either. I didnt get shown round or introduced to anyone. The manager pissed off about half 10. The rest of the girls morale was very low and they weren't welcoming. I'm meant to have 1 weekday off and sunday. They wont give a weekday off this week because I didnt start until Tuesday. They wont tell me what day I will have off so I can sort out if I can see my cpn next week and therapy the week after. And it's a new computer system to me and no one showed me it. And they dont haveenough instruments.

And I made contact with my mum for the first time in months to say I hope she had a good holiday and I was working with someone she knows. And all I got back was 'Xx'. Not even, hope it's going ok. Nothing to ask how it went this evening.

nonperson 04-02-2020 09:43 PM

I'm glad the hygienist was nice!

They seem a bit disorganised but hopefully everything will fall into place soon. =/

That's quite rubbish about your mum. Maybe she was busy and will get back to you with a proper answer soon.

Unbreakable. 04-02-2020 11:21 PM

I'm sorry everything was so chaotic on your first day, that sounds unreasonably stressful.

Well done for contacting your mum.
I feel like that is a really big and important step to take.

tamobhuuta 05-02-2020 09:43 AM

Well done coping with all that! I hope today is better.

chinahorse 06-02-2020 08:21 PM

I want to curl up in a ball and die. I feel so hideous.

chinahorse 10-02-2020 08:19 PM

Feel so trapped. Death is the only way out.

tiptoes 11-02-2020 08:47 AM

Do you want to talk about what you feel trapped about?

Death isn't the only way out although I can totally appreciate that it might feel like that right now.

chinahorse 11-02-2020 01:25 PM

I cant cope with working. I cant afford to live if I dont. I dont want to leave my bertie but I cant cope.

Moonlight Princess 14-02-2020 09:22 AM

Hi Lillie
It sounds like you did cope with that first day when it was really stressful so I just wanted to say well done for that but yeah it's understandable if having to deal with all that needless stress made the day feel overwhelming. How was the rest of your week?

Unbreakable. 24-02-2020 02:51 AM

How are you?

Shirayuki 24-02-2020 12:27 PM

how are you today China?

chinahorse 24-02-2020 05:53 PM

I'm struggling a lot. I feel very very alone. I feel very low and am self destructing.

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