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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

one_step_closer 31-12-2019 02:11 PM

Have you had a support worker before? They can be quite good for helping you with practical stuff, I hope you make it to your appointment.

chinahorse 31-12-2019 03:48 PM

I wanted help when I asked foe it months ago. Not now.

one_step_closer 31-12-2019 03:52 PM

That is really frustrating and unfair that they didn't help you at the time. Do you think they might be of some use to you in the future though, if they're offering support now?

Unbreakable. 01-01-2020 07:35 PM

I'm sorry services continue to be close to useless.
Hopefully there will still be something they can and will do for you now.

chinahorse 02-01-2020 03:15 AM

I'm scared I'm going to kill the cat. He annoys me so much.

Auror. 02-01-2020 03:31 AM

Does it help to think about the fact that cats are not inherently malicious or spiteful? Whatever he is doing, even though it annoys you, it is unlikely he is doing it purposely to annoy you. I know sometimes with my dog when she starts to frustrate me, it is a sign that she needs to burn some energy, so I need to either take her for a walk or play with her. Does doing something Bertie likes for a bit help him leave you alone after?

chinahorse 03-01-2020 12:53 PM

Yeah it does. He just always wants to play when km most tired.

I dont feel good at all. Very urgey. And feel very alone with my mental health.

one_step_closer 03-01-2020 02:09 PM

Are there any toys that Bertie will play with himself if you prompt him? Or can you play with something that doesn't take much effort from you, like a laser pen? Kittens are hard work I know, and even my adult cats annoy me a lot of the time so I know where you're coming from. It's easy to get irritated when you're not feeling great as it is.

What's happening MH wise that's making you feel so bad today?

chinahorse 03-01-2020 04:26 PM

He has loads of toys he can play with himself but never does. Hes now nearly a year and 4 months. Time to start settling down in my opinion.

I feel so hideous. So sad and the Man has been bothering me so much for a while but especially today and theres no on trying to help me move forward. And I dont even have meds to dull it out so I can get on with it by myself. No one cares because I'm not going to hospital for my self harm. I could go. But I cant afford it and the Man doesnt let me most of the time because it's not bad enough and the hospital is on black alert most of the time.

one_step_closer 03-01-2020 06:09 PM

I can relate to people not seeming to bother because you're not going to hospital. Have you ever directly said to anyone "maybe I'm not ending up at hospital but I am hurting just as much"? I do know people don't often hear words only actions and that's really sad. Do you feel like anyone at all hears you? Do the CMHT know what's going on with the man?

chinahorse 03-01-2020 06:14 PM

Theres no one to say it to. The cmht havent even asked how I am in weeks they dont give me space to say what's going on when I do see them.

one_step_closer 03-01-2020 06:24 PM

What if you write something to hand over at your next appointment with your CPN, if they're not giving you the space to talk through things at the moment?

chinahorse 03-01-2020 06:28 PM

She wouldnt read it. Why bother. They dont care. At all.

Going to probably hurt myself bad enough for the burns unit soon. They wont operate but that's ok as long as they admit me and are nice to me. Which they were mostly. And the consultant was so nice and cared about my mental health in the beat way he could.

chinahorse 04-01-2020 06:13 AM

I have to leave the house tomorrow. To return the stupid clock and collect my prescription. But it's not possible. If I leave the house the shadows will follow me, theyve worked out how to come out even when it's not sunny. And if I stay inside with the doors locked I'm safe. But I'm nearly out of painkillers. Using the last of my emergency supply. And I'm scared if I leave Bertie something will happen to me or him and I wont see him again. We need to stay safe and together at all times.

The Man was outside again when I made tea. Making the street lights flicker so I know he was there. And he caused the power cut so he could sneak in but he got the wrong supply. And now hes angry. Loud loud commands.

And no one understands. The cmht are being useless. They wanted me to get a photo for a bus pass. I said no. They kept on and on until I snapped at them. No. Stop pushing I said no. But they didnt ask why. And I cant say if they dont ask. They dont care.

And the toilet is still broken. I rang the letting agent again on thursday and they said it's not a priority and that theyve given my details to the plumber and it's up to him to contact me. Hes had them since new years eve. They need to be chasing this up. If for no other reason than hes billed them for shoddy work. And o cant chase it again because the letting agent said I'm being unreasonable.

And the gp hasnt made the referral or done anything to sort the raised prolactin level. So I'm suffering without an end point or any help in sight. The lack of meds for my fibromyalgia is making it unbearable. And the cold and damp of the house is extreme agony. And no one cares enough to investigate and fix it. So I'm having to wait until thursday to speak to the gp. Which is a very long time when you're in a lot of pain and have been for several weeks.

And really if I died people would be sad for a while and then move on. And the pain would stop. And the Man wpuldnt be a problem. And Bertie could be with a better mum.

one_step_closer 04-01-2020 11:49 AM

Even if you feel like people don't care they still have a duty to offer you support and treatment. I think they would read something if you wrote it down and then your thoughts and feelings would be clear on paper too, like a record of exactly how you feel rather than them writing notes based on their opinions.

I hope you don't burn yourself just to get some care, it's really sad that you feel you have to do something so extreme for someone to look after you and treat you well. What did the people at the burns unit do that made you feel they were being nice to you and cared about your MH? What is it that the CMHT isn't doing/what could they do better?

What happens with the man and the shadows if you are outside? Do you think that maybe all the stress and upset you're going through is making you additionally anxious and worried? I think you need to tell the CMHT what is going on even if they don't ask. If they don't know what to ask about then they can't ask. I used to say in my head 'please ask me this' but if people aren't asking what you need them to ask then you have to let them know.

It doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable about the toilet situation at all. I'm sure the letting agent wouldn't like to not have a working toilet. I think you have a right to chase it up again if you feel able to.

It is a long time to wait till Thursday when you're in pain etc, I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. I hope the GP can do something on Thursday, please make sure you ask for what you need.

People would be sad if you died and might not ever properly move on. I think Bertie would definitely miss you now that you have a bond and he might always wonder where you have disappeared to. Other people would be affected by your death but the important thing is that you are feeling low enough to think this way and something needs to be done about that. I really hope someone listens to you soon.

chinahorse 04-01-2020 04:22 PM

The burns unit consultant called my psychiatrist and pushed them to meet me and give me meeting which they weren't. And they were nice to me.

The CMHT arent seeing me regularly as they promised. Aremt offering me any form of treatment or support. Arent even asking how I am. Arent asking anything. Have done nothing to build a relationship with me. Arent monitoring my mental health. Nothing.

I cant tell them what is going on because they dont care because they havent asked. They know about the Man from when I was admitted and when I told them to help me before I was admitted and they didnt and they know the voices are bad because the PIP man asked and my cpn was in the room. She was also there when PIP assessor asked about the frequency of my self harm. But they havent asked about that either.

I woke up too late to chase the letting agent again.

And I'm really bored and fed up.

one_step_closer 04-01-2020 06:19 PM

Have you said to the CMHT that you're unhappy with the lack of support they're giving you? I'm sorry they aren't giving you the support you need and deserve.

Unbreakable. 04-01-2020 09:30 PM

Is there anyone who could explain things to them on your behalf?
Does your dad know how things are?

I'm sorry they aren't listening and appear uninterested in your mental health. That must be frustrating and hurtful.

one_step_closer 05-01-2020 10:33 AM


Originally Posted by Unbreakable. (Post 4256204)
Is there anyone who could explain things to them on your behalf?

Have you considered advocacy if not?

chinahorse 08-01-2020 02:53 PM

Called the cmht. Took a lot of working up to. Told CPn is off sick all week. Rejected when I need help by her again. By everyone.

Auror. 08-01-2020 03:22 PM

You were really brave to phone. I'm sure it's hard to hear your CPN is off, but them being off isn't necessarily the same thing as a rejection. They are just not working right now. It sucks that treatment providers have to take time off and cannot always respond, but that has nothing to do with you. That means they aren't helping anyone else while off either.

Is there a way to leave a message for them to see when they return? If you don't think you will be okay until then, can you phone back and ask if there is anyone covering for them or what other support options there are?

chinahorse 09-01-2020 02:35 PM

I went out and it was horrible. And then I got home and theres a huge form to fill out about my ability to work from the DWP. And I'm really tired because I spent like 3 hours on the phone late last night talking to and trying to calm down my bipolar auntie who everyone else wont talk to. And then another hour talking to my normal auntie because bipolar auntie is making threats that concern and are about normal auntie. And normal auntie asked me how I was and I ended up crying myself into a state. Then I had to wait for the hot water tank to warm up so I could have a bath because I hadn't done it in a long time. But I had a bath and my body doesnt smell anymore. So then I could go out today but it was horrible and I had to spend one pound on sellotape because the roll I brought with me ran out so I couldn't get chippy chips just Pepsi and chocolate and the chippy chips were what I made myself go out for and then I couldn't get them and I'm really cold.

one_step_closer 09-01-2020 02:40 PM

:( That's lots to manage and feel bad about. Can anyone help you to fill in the form? There is a place called money matters in my area that specialises in stuff like filling in benefits forms. Does it need to be sent back soon or can you have a break from looking at it? Did it help to talk to your auntie about how you're feeling? Having to buy sellotape rather than chips is pretty rubbish, I hope you can at least get your chips another day. Well done for going out.

chinahorse 09-01-2020 02:49 PM

No one to help me fill in the form. Just do my best myself like always because no one ever really helps with stuff like this and I'm always left to sort it out myself.

It didnt really help to talk no. Because she wanted mainly to talk about my mother and me and our relationship which is not what I'm worried about right now.

Might be able to afford chips if they refund me properly for the clock I got off amazon that arrived smashed to pieces that I had to pay to send back today and why I had to buy the sellotape. But I should put it on the credit card really, well take it off. Because the interest is high and every bit I pay off is better than nothing.

I'm really sad that I've ruined my whole life and it feels like I cant breath properly.

nonperson 09-01-2020 02:59 PM

Would your support worker be able to help with the form?

chinahorse 09-01-2020 03:00 PM

Not that I know of. And its be no more help than doing it myself. She knows absolutely nothing about me having met her once for 10 minutes in which time she tried to bully me into getting a bus pass.

nonperson 09-01-2020 03:04 PM

She could still be useful to talk things through with as you're filling out the form.

one_step_closer 09-01-2020 03:28 PM

Maybe your support worker or someone from the CMHT will have the assessment criteria for benefits or at least some knowledge of what they look for so that they can advise you on what to write. Would citizens advice be of any help?

Does anyone listen to what you want to talk about?

I don't think you've ruined your whole life but I can understand feeling stuck and not in a good place.

tamobhuuta 09-01-2020 03:36 PM

Citizens Advice Bureau advised my mum to fill my forms in according to how I am at my worse.

chinahorse 09-01-2020 09:37 PM

Theres no one there at the cmht. CPN is always off sick. I don't trust the citizens advice. Whenever I've previously asked them for help they just linked me to websites that didn't help or told me what I asked wasn't in their scope.

Maybe 2 people listen properly, without turning it to their agenda. And I really value them. But I wish professionals would be one of those people, so they could help as well as listen.

I have ruined it. Less than 6 months ago I had a decent enough standard of living, a decent job I enjoyed even if it was annoying at times, I had finally just about gotten therapy, was on meds that helped, had real life close by friends as well as online ones, and a relationship that worked with my parents. It wasnt perfect by a long shot that life 6 months ago but it was a hell of a lot better than now.

one_step_closer 10-01-2020 01:44 PM

Of course, professionals really should be listening to you and going by what you say rather than what they think is important to be doing. Do you know when you next see someone?

You weren't happy with how things were before either, I'm sorry that you feel like things have gotten so much worse that you'd rather be back where you were. What's happening with therapy, meds, friends, and your parents at the moment?

chinahorse 10-01-2020 09:19 PM

Meant to see support worker and cpn on wednesday. Need to speak to her. To know if I can cancel without them saying I'm not engaging.

I cant keep going. I'm so sad. On my own and sad.

Auror. 10-01-2020 10:31 PM

Why would you cancel?

chinahorse 10-01-2020 10:43 PM

Meeting is to discuss what activities she can support me to go to. I cant afford to go to anything.

Auror. 11-01-2020 12:21 AM

Free activities do exist. I do things with my case manager human that are free. We have done things like gone to a library and gone for a walk because they are things that I maybe would not be able to do on my own. Any type of activities they offer to support you in doing generally they also take your financial situation into consideration.

chinahorse 11-01-2020 04:12 AM

I'm not stupid I do know free activities exist. Just not anything I have a vague interest in doing that is local. It's either a bus ride away or costs money. Please do not insult me by thinking I've not looked up the options.

Auror. 11-01-2020 04:47 AM

It wasn't meant to be an insult? I was trying to explain that they don't just have to do things with you that cost money. They can also often drive you to the places. My case manager human always takes me places in their car. I really was not trying to insult you. I was trying to explain that they can sometimes offer ways around some of the financial and transportation barriers that come with doing things.

one_step_closer 11-01-2020 11:09 AM

You might be able to get a bus pass or reduced rate for some things. Do you need any support with things at home? Your support worker could maybe help with that too if needed. I think you should keep the appointment and discuss the issues you have with money etc, they could know of ways around things.

Auror. 11-01-2020 05:41 PM

The above is a good point! I know my case manager human has offered to try cooking things with me and has just helped with basic stuff at home when I have really been struggling. Often if they come over they just sit at home with me and we do things like look at mail I need help understanding, or just talk about what is going on and what types of things I could try to help with the stressful things.

I'm sorry if this is a stupid question, but have you told the new CMHT humans about the man?

Pi.R^2 11-01-2020 07:22 PM

I do think you should at least keep the appointment if you can. You can tell them exactly why you think their service is not relevant in your circumstances and they'll either come up with some other way they can help you that they haven't previously offered, or agree that it's no use and not bother you again?

chinahorse 19-01-2020 09:06 PM

Sorry I've been absent on here.

I've got a job interview tomorrow and I'm growing very anxious. I didnt apply. They messaged me after seeing my CV online. And I've already had a chat with the regional manager person which was ok. I, I just dont know if I can do it. I dont know if I want to do it even.

I feel so awfully anxious.

Auror. 20-01-2020 02:09 AM

Going to an interview only means going to an interview. It doesn't mean you have to take a job, or even do the job if they do make an offer and you don't feel able to. You can say no without giving a reason why. That said, if you also don't want to do the interview, that is your choice to make as well.

I hope you can get through tonight safely, and whatever you decide goes as smoothly as possible.

tamobhuuta 20-01-2020 09:48 AM

What Auror said. I wish you good things, whatever you decide

one_step_closer 20-01-2020 03:32 PM

How did you get on? How are you feeling now?

chinahorse 20-01-2020 04:07 PM

I went. It was ok I suppose.

I recieved some lovely post which I'm trying to keep in mind as I feel very low.

one_step_closer 20-01-2020 06:41 PM

Well done.

Would you be interested in writing positive pen pal letters? I'm not sure if I tried to add you to the Fb group or not. They also send out positive quotes etc which can be good to put in a scrapbook to look back on.

chinahorse 20-01-2020 06:48 PM

I'm not sure. I have no hobbies or interests and would be very boring to write to and send letters out.

I don't want to live. Everything hurts. I've had a headache for days. I dont and cant I dont.

one_step_closer 20-01-2020 06:59 PM

I think you could find some things in common with people. You could even just ask for positive post where you don't write letters you just send quotes etc.

Also, have you heard of the recovery shoebox project? You could ask to be sent one of them. They usually take quite a while to arrive but it can be a nice surprise to get something in the post.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, that must be almost intolerable and I can understand being distressed and sick of it. Does anything help at all?

chinahorse 20-01-2020 09:07 PM

People wouldn't like me. I'm useless. I'm only good at self destruction. Being alive hurts so much.

one_step_closer 21-01-2020 09:40 AM

Those things you believe about yourself aren't true, they are judgements by yourself but I know how easy it is to believe that other people would think the same of you. Being alive does hurt a lot of the time, I know. I'm sorry. Are you going to talk to your CPN today?

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