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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

one_step_closer 21-10-2019 09:44 AM

*hugs* It is sad that you have caused yourself so much damage, and I hope it can be sorted as best as possible. Do you feel able to ask any questions you have? Can you do something nice for yourself today?

chinahorse 21-10-2019 09:49 AM

I did ask some things. Dont really have anything else to ask.

I may go for a wander this afternoon. Am in rather a bit of pain now. And I e munched some snacks and am watching TV as a distraction.

one_step_closer 21-10-2019 01:11 PM

Are they not managing to get on top of your pain? Snacks and TV sounds good. I hope you feel ok for a wander later on.

chinahorse 21-10-2019 05:05 PM

I can ask for tramadol if I need it which does work a bit but I hate asking so try to cope with paracetamol. But I took some tramadol and am sat in the hospital atrium watching the world go by with Pepsi max until the pain dampens down and the tramadol kicks in.

tamobhuuta 21-10-2019 05:36 PM

Well done for taking tramadol.

Pi.R^2 21-10-2019 10:19 PM

I hope you can keep convincing yourself to ask for the tramadol; it’s definitely ok to ask. If it’s tomorrow they’re looking at the wound now instead, good luck (not sure that’s quite the right sentiment?!)

I’m glad you’re getting out and about a bit, even if it’s just to the atrium.

chinahorse 23-10-2019 10:20 PM

Today has been traumatic to the max.

They took the machine off my arm. I have never ever experienced pain like it. I screamed uncontrollably. And then I was allergic to the entonox they gave me.

They put a skin graft on this afternoon. Took them so many attempts to get a new cannula in. The donor site is huge.

The doctor asked me if I wanted to go home when I hadn't even come fully round from the anaesthetic. I said no.

Both my parents have refused to come and collect me and take me home. It's over a 2 hour journey on public transport with a 20 min walk at the other end. I just can not do that. And I have no help when I get home. At all. I told the nurse. She wrote it all in the notes and tried to reassure me.

I'm very upset at the actions of my parents. They have been so unsupportive about this whole admission. Mum said she can't be bothered with me and is doing too much.

one_step_closer 24-10-2019 01:41 PM

That sounds really horrible, poor you. *gentle hugs* How are things today? No wonder you're feeling upset at your parents not being there for you while things are so traumatic. Are your friend and her Mum still supportive of you? I know it's not the same though. I hope you can get home when you're ready and have some support and are able to manage ok.

Unbreakable. 27-10-2019 12:46 AM

F*ck your parents.
You deserve better than that.

I hope the pain will be more manageable soon.

chinahorse 27-10-2019 08:11 AM

Everything hurts. And my leg stinks. Like really bad.

I don't deserve to be here.I'm such a fuck up. The surgeon who did the first surgery saw me yesterday. He said it was a very hairy operation for him and yeah :-(

I'm scared the graft won't have worked. And I'm also scared it will look horrific. Like I know it won't look pretty but there's levels of bad.

And I'm scared of going home. Because things mentally seem conrained here. There's 0 expectations of me. And everyone is nice. When I leave I have to function again. And fight for mh support. And look for a job. And cook. And try to cope with 0 money.

chinahorse 27-10-2019 04:26 PM

I'm so scared of looking at the graft tomorrow.

Bellatrix 27-10-2019 05:35 PM

How would you feel about not looking until it's a bit more healed?

chinahorse 27-10-2019 05:47 PM

Need to know how much has taken and so I've something to compare it to next time to make sure it's progressing.

Bellatrix 28-10-2019 07:28 AM

That makes sense
Good luck today - remember to talk to the DRS or nurses about how you're feeling, they will have experience with helping people come to terms with the changes. X

one_step_closer 28-10-2019 12:17 PM

How are you doing?

chinahorse 28-10-2019 04:53 PM

Have to stay in another night.

Have come off the ward for phone signal.

May go walk about even thpugh I'm in hospital pj's.

one_step_closer 28-10-2019 07:05 PM

How are you feeling about staying another night?

chinahorse 28-10-2019 07:09 PM

I'm sad cos I'm really missing bertie. I understand it'd be pointless to go home now and ruin it but I'm sad.

The arm doesn't look as bad as I thought it would but it's not pretty.

chinahorse 28-10-2019 08:18 PM

My mum is being a nightmare and it's made my fragile o mood crash.

one_step_closer 29-10-2019 12:04 PM

I'm sorry your Mum is still being terrible. How are you today?

chinahorse 04-11-2019 04:32 PM

Sorry to resurrect this.

I've finally managed to secure a cmht appointment on thursday. How can I get across to them that I need supportING? That I am not coping. People say just be honest. I am honest and then I get no support. How do I be the correct sort of ill for them to support?

one_step_closer 04-11-2019 06:27 PM

I don't think you can do anything more than be honest. Tell them that you are desperate for some support and need it to try and move forward with things. You could also say that you keep asking for the support you need but you haven't got it. Maybe that will bluntly tell them that they have fallen really short. Will they have notes about what has been happening for you recently? I really hope they offer you something useful.

Pi.R^2 04-11-2019 09:39 PM

Maybe you could have a checklist of direct questions that you want to be answered, that you can refer to at various points to help get the conversation back on track if necessary? They can gloss over a statement, but it's less easy to ignore a question! For example:

- what regular support will I have?
- can you help me with finances/benefits?
- who do I tell if my self harm is escalating and I need help, and what will that person do?

I really hope it goes well with them. I would suggest trying to be blunt and persistent if it seems to be going towards them trying to brush you off with no support. That's not fun I know, but sometimes it's the way to get things done. And well done for getting an appointment sorted- that in itself took some persistence!

chinahorse 05-11-2019 01:32 PM

That's good about asking questions.

I also want to ask for PRN or different meds.

And I need practical help very badly. Very very badly.

one_step_closer 05-11-2019 01:33 PM

Will you write down some things? That way you can let them keep it at the end so they have a copy and if you haven't managed to go through everything they can read what you've written.

chinahorse 05-11-2019 01:35 PM

I also am beginning to get intense suicidal urges.

Because of everyone ignoring me asking for help I got sectioned and lost my job and my relationship with parents deteriorated. I'm now unable to afford literally rent and bills. Never mind food or anything else. I have no local friends. Have lost friends. And we'll what's the point in fighting anymore?

one_step_closer 05-11-2019 05:44 PM

That's a lot to be dealing with and I'm sorry people weren't there for you to try to help avoid some of those things. I really hope that you will be offered something useful on Thursday. I think there is a point in fighting even if it's not clear what that point is right now. Please focus on staying safe and doing nice things for yourself.

Auror. 05-11-2019 05:55 PM

I think it might be a bit blunt to be like, because of the lack of professional support all of this happened and it could have been prevented, I need something ongoing. But I also think given the continued lack of support you are getting, it might be worth being blunt with them like Jenna also said.

It's not fair of you to have to ask for help time and time again and only get help when it's a life and death situation they can't ignore. Maybe you could ask what type of ongoing support they could offer, and say you are open to anything. If they try to say you won't find it helpful, maybe tell them that you want to try anyways because you really need ongoing support.

chinahorse 06-11-2019 03:24 PM

Plan to say I need ongoing practical and emotional support starting today as in the day of the appointment.

I feel very low. Very pointless.

one_step_closer 06-11-2019 05:04 PM

Good luck with tomorrow, I hope they hear you.

I'm sorry you're feeling low and pointless, are those feelings connected to each other?

chinahorse 07-11-2019 11:57 AM

Asdefgj scared. :/

one_step_closer 07-11-2019 04:24 PM

How did you get on? <3

chinahorse 07-11-2019 06:34 PM

I'm so fed up of being me. So so sick of being alive tonight.

chinahorse 07-11-2019 06:35 PM

Med change. Meeting week after next with care coordinator. Meeting week after that with care co and therapist to do CAT for 5 weeks. Meeting month from now with psychiatrist to review new med.

chinahorse 07-11-2019 06:37 PM

Am feeling absolutely hideous.

chinahorse 07-11-2019 06:41 PM

Everyone irl keeps telling me to just not sh and think of bertie and just get better. I dknt fucking choose to be ill. I don't want to live anymore like this. Now crying.

Auror. 07-11-2019 07:24 PM

Are you okay with the support they are offering and the med change? Or do you think you still need something more?

I'm sorry people aren't being understanding. I hope Bertie can at least offer you some snuggles and support.

chinahorse 07-11-2019 07:28 PM

There's no support with money and practical things. I asked for practical and emotional support.

I hope med change works.

I don't want to live anymore.

Auror. 07-11-2019 07:30 PM

Are there other organizations you could go to for help with money and practical things? Maybe those are things that they don't offer? I don't really know all the specifics of services there so honest question.

If things in your life COULD change, would you want to live? What would need to be different?

chinahorse 07-11-2019 07:37 PM

I don't know.

Don't know. Don't think things can change.

one_step_closer 08-11-2019 01:39 PM

It's so easy to get stuck inside feeling hopeless, I'm sorry you don't feel like things could change. Things do change all the time though, in big and small ways sometimes you don't even notice. Yes a lot of those things might be negative changes but if there is the possibility of negative changes then there should also be the possibility of positive changes. I know it's hard to see and to believe.

I'm glad you have been offered some support, maybe you could discuss what else you think you need when you see the CC. I hope the med change is useful.

chinahorse 08-11-2019 03:41 PM

I destroy everything I touch. I am worthless. I want to die.

one_step_closer 08-11-2019 06:01 PM

I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself, I don't think that's reality though. What's making you feel like that?

chinahorse 08-11-2019 08:16 PM

Because people have said it.

Auror. 08-11-2019 08:41 PM

I don't think that's accurate. I mean Bertie loves you and is a great kitty and you care for him really well.

one_step_closer 09-11-2019 10:44 AM

Just because people say things like that it doesn't mean that it's true. I'm sorry people are being so cruel.

chinahorse 11-11-2019 06:52 PM

Really want to harm so that I end up back in a hospital. Where I speak out loud to people every day and people care about me and are nice to me.

one_step_closer 12-11-2019 11:04 AM

I can relate to the loneliness of having no one around, I'm sorry you're feeling so isolated and desperate. Hospital is not always a caring place though and of course it's not good to harm yourself. Is it next week you're meeting your CC? Maybe you could talk about what activities etc there might be for you to get involved in and there might be some support to help you to get to those things. Are you keeping in touch with any of your friends? Can you show yourself some care and compassion? I know that's not the same as having other people around though.

chinahorse 12-11-2019 12:30 PM

I can go up to 3 days where the only words I speak out loud are my cats name and variants of it. I'm a social person in a weird way. I like to be in company even if I'm not directly involved in it. I'm so lonely it physically hurts.

How do I give my life meaning now I'm not contributing to anything? I always helped, whether that was making a kid happy with a milkshake or literally changing someone's life by giving them a denture. I want so badly to be useful again.

I feel so guilty at my current situation. If I get a proper full time job by say January it'll be probably best part of a year before I've paid everyone back. And thats if I scrimp and save because I'll have to live somewhere and pay bills at the same time.

Everything feels impossible. I'm so angry at myself that j let this happen.

one_step_closer 12-11-2019 12:51 PM

It's not your fault, you have always fought so hard. Does it help to sit in a cafe or a library and people watch? I know it's not the same as being in direct company but it might be better than sitting at home on your own. Maybe you could do some volunteering somewhere too. You probably have a lot of skills that people would find useful. This situation isn't forever, keep trying and I hope you get to a place where you feel more content very soon.


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