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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 27-09-2019 01:52 PM

Thank you.

I've been to town. Managed to do everything I planned and avoid the torrential downpour of now.

I don't feel able to call crisis. I don't have anything to say to them.

one_step_closer 27-09-2019 02:15 PM

Well done, that was good timing too by the sounds of it.

Do you feel like you need some support though? Or will you be ok for now? Do crisis have a set time to see you again?

tiptoes 27-09-2019 04:44 PM

You are strong. You are brave. You are resilient

You are not beyond repair, you are awesome and can do more than you can ever imagine.

Thinking of you

Pi.R^2 28-09-2019 12:03 PM

Well done for getting things done yesterday. I know rebuilding your life feels impossible right now, but I imagine that at some point going into town and getting stuff done felt impossible too. One step at a time, one day at a time, you can do this.

When do you next see the crisis team?

chinahorse 28-09-2019 04:54 PM

Thank you all <3

You're right little steps at a time.

Crisis came today and it was positive. They are going to help me rebuild things. Starting with applying for benefits and going for a coffee on monday. I was also able to communicate to them that shits hit the fan if I call them.

Plan for the rest of the day is to have a bath and dinner and snuggle on the sofa.

chinahorse 28-09-2019 04:55 PM

I'm playing fetch with bertie atm and then will run a bath.

one_step_closer 28-09-2019 06:08 PM

That's really great to hear Lillie, I'm so glad you have support and you managed to communicate things. Sounds like a good plan for the rest of the day. Keep focusing on the present moments and not so far ahead that things become overwhelming.

chinahorse 30-09-2019 05:10 PM

My mood is really plummeting. And I cant make myself do anything.

one_step_closer 30-09-2019 05:46 PM

What might help you get going with something? I think inactivity can make things worse since you've got so much time to think and it lowers your energy further. Do you know what's getting you down?

chinahorse 30-09-2019 05:51 PM

I'm just so useless. Worthless. Pointless.

Literally everything is giving me anxiety. Even going to the loo and making a cup of tea.

I have no idea what to do with myself.

chinahorse 01-10-2019 02:18 PM

Strong thoughts of self harming. I'm already ruined so it doesn't matter.

not_so_insig 01-10-2019 03:14 PM

I think that you have to be gentle with yourself. You aren't ruined. Just keep on going baby steps and all that.

chinahorse 01-10-2019 04:39 PM

I can't keep going. It's too much.

tamobhuuta 01-10-2019 05:20 PM

What's happening? X

chinahorse 01-10-2019 06:50 PM

I'm so so anxious. For no reason. Tried some colouring but got worried I was using the wrong colours. Nearly didn't make it to the loo because I couldn't move.

I'm not this person. I can't exist like this. Why do people keep me alive?

tamobhuuta 01-10-2019 06:52 PM

Sometimes I find going for a walk helps with anxiety.

one_step_closer 01-10-2019 06:54 PM

You're bound to be struggling with all of the changes of being home from hospital. I think you can become less anxious, it takes time. What helps with your anxiety? Do you know any breathing exercises that are useful? You are alive because you deserve to be alive and feel better. You do have potential, things are just really hard right now and not where you'd like them to be. Is there anyone you can talk to tonight?

chinahorse 02-10-2019 02:11 AM

I'm too scared to sleep. I think the stalker is watching me again. Because I haven't properly hurt myself in 2 weeks the equilibrium is upset. I pulled a toenail off but that doesn't count.

I tried colouring and mindful drinking tea.

I can't ring crisis. The man will hear.

nonperson 02-10-2019 07:51 AM

Did you manage to get any sleep?

Well done for trying some distractions. What do you think the man will realistically be able to do if he does overhear you ring crisis? Are they visiting you today?

Apologies for all the questions there.

chinahorse 02-10-2019 10:24 AM

I had no sleep last night. Did have a nap on the sofa at 7am.

I'm worried he will punish me.

I don't have a next appointment with crisis. They are calling today. Hope I can explain to them and that they understand.

Feel too horrible to do anything.

nonperson 02-10-2019 10:57 AM

Don't push yourself to do anything if you don't want to.

It's good that they're calling today, do try to explain to them what's happening. And you said they've been understanding and helpful before so I'm sure they will be this time too.

one_step_closer 02-10-2019 11:31 AM

Do you know what time crisis will be phoning? I hope you can speak to them and they properly listen to you.

chinahorse 02-10-2019 12:50 PM

I'm trying to make myself call them.

chinahorse 02-10-2019 01:21 PM

I called them. They helped me dispose of the stuff I burn with and then just told me to distract. Not sure what I was expecting.

tamobhuuta 02-10-2019 03:17 PM

Well done for calling and throwing the stuff away. What's the best thing to help you distract and stay safe?

chinahorse 02-10-2019 03:23 PM

I've cooked and eaten lunch and watched drs. Am sort of thinking about doing some colouring now.

Really panicking about tomorrow. I have to go tk the job centre in the morning and then have a drs appointment tomorrow afternoon to get a sick note. If I don't get one I will be really screwed.

I should go out now to the pharmacy and look for a wedding gift. And work out how to get to the wedding. And call the water people. And I cant do any of it.

So frustrated with myself.

one_step_closer 02-10-2019 03:39 PM

Well done for phoning crisis, I know they often just say the obvious stuff that you'll already have thought of but it sometimes helps to hear it from another person. It sounds like you're trying really hard with distractions, keep it up. Try not to panic so much about the things you need to do, they will get done when you're able. I hope everything goes ok tomorrow, have you seen this GP before?

chinahorse 02-10-2019 08:20 PM

Crisis can't see me until Friday. And tomorrow is going to be so stressful and I really just argh.

I've only seen 1 gp at that surgery before and she was so bad I made an official complaint.

one_step_closer 03-10-2019 10:26 AM

I hope everything goes ok Lillie, you can do this. Be very kind to yourself after your appointments and phone crisis if things get too much.

tamobhuuta 03-10-2019 05:13 PM

How has today been?

chinahorse 03-10-2019 05:17 PM

I have survived it. Jobcentre lady was really nice as was the gp so I will choose to see her in the future. Still quite panicky but hoping this will pass.

tamobhuuta 03-10-2019 05:26 PM

Well done I'm glad people have been helpful. Time to relax?

chinahorse 03-10-2019 05:32 PM

Trying to.

But I feel like an utter failure and having to claim benefits and getting signed of work and having a large wound to redress just proves I am.

Auror. 03-10-2019 05:35 PM

I think the opposite. Trying to claim benefits and seeing people who can help and taking care of your body sounds like the opposite of failing.

tamobhuuta 03-10-2019 06:15 PM

I agree with Auror.

nonperson 03-10-2019 06:20 PM

Also agree. You're still here, still fighting, managing to do really hard things and tackling difficult decisions and that's not failure in the slighest.

one_step_closer 03-10-2019 07:10 PM

Agreed times three. You're obviously trying so hard. I'm glad your appointments went well, maybe you could have regular support from the GP for a bit if you think it would help.

chinahorse 03-10-2019 07:56 PM

Need to feel pain. To atone for the evil.

I miss Alice. I miss having someone close who cared and was nice and talked to me.

chinahorse 04-10-2019 09:16 AM

Just looked at jobs. So sad that I'm not a dental nurse jn training anymore.

one_step_closer 04-10-2019 09:54 AM

I'm sorry you're feeling all this hurt. You can have a good job in the future and close connections, I know it might not seem like it right now and in this moment you don't have everything that you need but it is possible. You don't need any sort of punishment or judgement from yourself, please try and be kind and understanding with yourself.

nonperson 04-10-2019 09:58 AM

You're not a dental nurse in training right now but there's no reason why you can't be that again in the future. I believe in you.

Pi.R^2 05-10-2019 04:57 PM


Originally Posted by chinahorse (Post 4240935)
Need to feel pain. To atone for the evil.

What evil?

Even if there was a need for atonement (which I don't think there is), there isn't anything evil enough in the world that would deserve the pain you have inflicted on yourself over the last ten years. You deserve kindness and care, not any more hurt.

chinahorse 07-10-2019 04:52 PM

I am inherently evil.

Meeting new cpn and psychiatrist tomorrow. Am really terrified.

tamobhuuta 07-10-2019 05:18 PM

You aren't evil, you are a beautiful human being. I hope tomorrow goes ok.

chinahorse 07-10-2019 08:35 PM

I appreciate you saying that.

Really struggling with thoughts to burn.

Pi.R^2 07-10-2019 10:55 PM


Originally Posted by chinahorse (Post 4241318)
I am inherently evil.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : don't need to read if you don't want to have this debate rn!
How do you know? Evil is not inherent, it's in our choices and our actions and yours are not evil. And besides, evil is not fixed by self-destruction. That's just not how things work.

Burning would not help. It would hurt and put you at risk of infection and it wouldn't satisfy the urge to hurt yourself for very long. It's not worth it.

I hope things go well with the new CPN and psychiatrist.

one_step_closer 08-10-2019 10:22 AM

I really hope today is positive for you and you feel like you will be getting the right support.

chinahorse 08-10-2019 12:24 PM

I am getting nothing. No support at all.

one_step_closer 08-10-2019 02:28 PM

:( What happened?

chinahorse 08-10-2019 03:37 PM

My goals are things I should work on by myself and they can't help me. A care coordinator wouldn't be helpful and they won't be offering therapy. They won't alter my meds until I've had a blood test. So here's a form see you in a month.

They said I had severe enduring mental health problems. Then offered me nothing.

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