Thank you.

I've been to town. Managed to do everything I planned and avoid the torrential downpour of now.

I don't feel able to call crisis. I don't have anything to say to them.

Well done, that was good timing too by the sounds of it.

Do you feel like you need some support though? Or will you be ok for now? Do crisis have a set time to see you again?

You are strong. You are brave. You are resilient

You are not beyond repair, you are awesome and can do more than you can ever imagine.

Thinking of you

Well done for getting things done yesterday. I know rebuilding your life feels impossible right now, but I imagine that at some point going into town and getting stuff done felt impossible too. One step at a time, one day at a time, you can do this.

When do you next see the crisis team?

Thank you all <3

You're right little steps at a time.

Crisis came today and it was positive. They are going to help me rebuild things. Starting with applying for benefits and going for a coffee on monday. I was also able to communicate to them that shits hit the fan if I call them.

Plan for the rest of the day is to have a bath and dinner and snuggle on the sofa.

I'm playing fetch with bertie atm and then will run a bath.

That's really great to hear Lillie, I'm so glad you have support and you managed to communicate things. Sounds like a good plan for the rest of the day. Keep focusing on the present moments and not so far ahead that things become overwhelming.

My mood is really plummeting. And I cant make myself do anything.

What might help you get going with something? I think inactivity can make things worse since you've got so much time to think and it lowers your energy further. Do you know what's getting you down?

I'm just so useless. Worthless. Pointless.

Literally everything is giving me anxiety. Even going to the loo and making a cup of tea.

I have no idea what to do with myself.

Strong thoughts of self harming. I'm already ruined so it doesn't matter.

I think that you have to be gentle with yourself. You aren't ruined. Just keep on going baby steps and all that.

I can't keep going. It's too much.

What's happening? X

I'm so so anxious. For no reason. Tried some colouring but got worried I was using the wrong colours. Nearly didn't make it to the loo because I couldn't move.

I'm not this person. I can't exist like this. Why do people keep me alive?

Sometimes I find going for a walk helps with anxiety.

You're bound to be struggling with all of the changes of being home from hospital. I think you can become less anxious, it takes time. What helps with your anxiety? Do you know any breathing exercises that are useful? You are alive because you deserve to be alive and feel better. You do have potential, things are just really hard right now and not where you'd like them to be. Is there anyone you can talk to tonight?

I'm too scared to sleep. I think the stalker is watching me again. Because I haven't properly hurt myself in 2 weeks the equilibrium is upset. I pulled a toenail off but that doesn't count.

I tried colouring and mindful drinking tea.

I can't ring crisis. The man will hear.

Did you manage to get any sleep?

Well done for trying some distractions. What do you think the man will realistically be able to do if he does overhear you ring crisis? Are they visiting you today?

Apologies for all the questions there.

I had no sleep last night. Did have a nap on the sofa at 7am.

I'm worried he will punish me.

I don't have a next appointment with crisis. They are calling today. Hope I can explain to them and that they understand.

Feel too horrible to do anything.

Don't push yourself to do anything if you don't want to.

It's good that they're calling today, do try to explain to them what's happening. And you said they've been understanding and helpful before so I'm sure they will be this time too.

Do you know what time crisis will be phoning? I hope you can speak to them and they properly listen to you.

I'm trying to make myself call them.

I called them. They helped me dispose of the stuff I burn with and then just told me to distract. Not sure what I was expecting.

Well done for calling and throwing the stuff away. What's the best thing to help you distract and stay safe?

I've cooked and eaten lunch and watched drs. Am sort of thinking about doing some colouring now.

Really panicking about tomorrow. I have to go tk the job centre in the morning and then have a drs appointment tomorrow afternoon to get a sick note. If I don't get one I will be really screwed.

I should go out now to the pharmacy and look for a wedding gift. And work out how to get to the wedding. And call the water people. And I cant do any of it.

So frustrated with myself.

Well done for phoning crisis, I know they often just say the obvious stuff that you'll already have thought of but it sometimes helps to hear it from another person. It sounds like you're trying really hard with distractions, keep it up. Try not to panic so much about the things you need to do, they will get done when you're able. I hope everything goes ok tomorrow, have you seen this GP before?

Crisis can't see me until Friday. And tomorrow is going to be so stressful and I really just argh.

I've only seen 1 gp at that surgery before and she was so bad I made an official complaint.

I hope everything goes ok Lillie, you can do this. Be very kind to yourself after your appointments and phone crisis if things get too much.

How has today been?

I have survived it. Jobcentre lady was really nice as was the gp so I will choose to see her in the future. Still quite panicky but hoping this will pass.

Well done I'm glad people have been helpful. Time to relax?

Trying to.

But I feel like an utter failure and having to claim benefits and getting signed of work and having a large wound to redress just proves I am.

I think the opposite. Trying to claim benefits and seeing people who can help and taking care of your body sounds like the opposite of failing.

I agree with Auror.

Also agree. You're still here, still fighting, managing to do really hard things and tackling difficult decisions and that's not failure in the slighest.

Agreed times three. You're obviously trying so hard. I'm glad your appointments went well, maybe you could have regular support from the GP for a bit if you think it would help.

Need to feel pain. To atone for the evil.

I miss Alice. I miss having someone close who cared and was nice and talked to me.

Just looked at jobs. So sad that I'm not a dental nurse jn training anymore.

I'm sorry you're feeling all this hurt. You can have a good job in the future and close connections, I know it might not seem like it right now and in this moment you don't have everything that you need but it is possible. You don't need any sort of punishment or judgement from yourself, please try and be kind and understanding with yourself.

You're not a dental nurse in training right now but there's no reason why you can't be that again in the future. I believe in you.

What evil?

Even if there was a need for atonement (which I don't think there is), there isn't anything evil enough in the world that would deserve the pain you have inflicted on yourself over the last ten years. You deserve kindness and care, not any more hurt.

I am inherently evil.

Meeting new cpn and psychiatrist tomorrow. Am really terrified.

You aren't evil, you are a beautiful human being. I hope tomorrow goes ok.

I appreciate you saying that.

Really struggling with thoughts to burn.

Burning would not help. It would hurt and put you at risk of infection and it wouldn't satisfy the urge to hurt yourself for very long. It's not worth it.

I hope things go well with the new CPN and psychiatrist.

I really hope today is positive for you and you feel like you will be getting the right support.

I am getting nothing. No support at all.

:( What happened?

My goals are things I should work on by myself and they can't help me. A care coordinator wouldn't be helpful and they won't be offering therapy. They won't alter my meds until I've had a blood test. So here's a form see you in a month.

They said I had severe enduring mental health problems. Then offered me nothing.