I feel like I'm in a big ocean riding really big waves today, more than ever these last few days, but I'm holding on, trying to anyway.

I can't stop crying :'(

Awh, love *big, gentle cuddles* Do you know what you're crying about? what exactly is going on, if you don't mind me asking? and I'm VERY proud of you for holding on - well done, if I may say so myself. :) Keep on fighting & holding on for dear life, sweetie... the storm WILL pass. *more cuddles*

Lol, the cat just jumped up on a pile of boxes to look out a window that's about 4 feet off the ground. He's so funny. :)

Don't feel very good mentally myself. But I did just get up from a nap, which was a good thing (the nap I mean), because I was utterly exhausted - and at least now I have a little "oomph" to run on for my portfolio. I am such an effing stupid procrastinator!!! About this, anyway. Everything else I don't usually leave off til THIS last minute. :(

*hides*

*cuddles everyone*
sorry no individual replies but thinking of you all and sends lots of cuddles

I feel really strange, cant explain it but its not a nice feeling I know that, I'm trying to make plans for the week, as its uni recess week so no lectures or rehearsals or anything, but I dont want to waste the time, but all I want to do is curl up and sleep so I dont have to think about all the hard stuff, I wish it would just go away even for a few hours.
*finds a corner and occupies it and gets his book out, to hope it takes his mind of stuff*

*cuddles back*
i dont know, im just out of it.. i i dont know who to tak t who to ask for help. anything
*hides*

*cuddles Oliver* I'm glad that you have a week off; that must be nice. What reason? Spring break for us is coming up in about 3 weeks... I can't wait... I need the time to myself!! I feel so overwhelmed with uni this term... I hate it. :( But anyway... take care of yourself, try & feel good about yourself, & remember, we care about you. :) ♥

*cuddles am-bear* (sorry, don't know your first name) Do you have any close friends you can chat with? or maybe a family member, pastor, etc.? What is going on? is there anything that we can help with? ♥

I'm feeling really rubbishy about this whole psychology portfolio thing. :( I have to go on campus to print off a bunch of stuff & I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO GO. :( I wish that I actually liked uni but I don't, I hate it, I really do. *sighs*

Oh well. I'll survive. I always do. *rolls eyes* :(

*cuddles so much* I'm crying about recent ****, including stuff with my best friend and boyfriend. Aswell as bad events in the last few years. More the bigger ones, if that makes sense? Just allowing myself to hurt about them today, think just having a down day about it all. I will pm you to fill you on something, if that's okay? I'm trying to fight & hold on for dear life. I know in the end that the storm WILL pass. *cuddles more*

How cute about your cat, he certain sounds funny :D

I don't feel very good mentally either, glad you managed a nap, that can help keep you fighting *cuddles* Procanisation is such a bitch isn't it? :P

*cuddles to all*

*cuddles Helen* Of course you can PM me, love. My inbox is open to you, & ALL of you, all of the time. :) I understand what you mean, kind of - you're sort of letting yourself FEEL for the first time in awhile. Just letting yourself feel the feelings... does that make sense? :-/ But I'm glad that you know that you will make it through. :) ♥

Yeh, procrastination sucks. :( I wish I were a better student... I feel so ****ing lousy right now about that. I hate myself. I hate uni. I hate life. I want to die but I can't. ARGH!!!! :'(

*hides some more*

That makes so much sense *cuddles*

Have pm'd you sweet, thank you

You're a good student, don't put yourself down *squishes*

nope, not at all.i dotn have anyone where i live,
its amber :) you can call me ambs though ^_^
ill live ill have to *cuddles and goes to sleep*

*cuddles Helen* Responded to your PM... feel free - any of you - to PM me anytime. 'Kay? :)

*cuddles Ambs* My ex-best friend name's Amber... and I called her Ambz. Lol. Funny coincedence. How are you doing right now?

I finished my portfolio!! I know it's not as good as it could be, but oh well. I need to do more in the APA style (American Psychological Association), like headings and everything, but at least it's a start, right? So I do have something I can turn in. It's 1:40pm now and I came in to campus at noon and worked until just now getting stuff done. I'm pretty happy that it turned out okay!! :D I just hope that my peers don't think I'm stuck up & stupid for what I said in my foreward. :(

I wish I were at home playing WoW. Boo hiss. My avatar is from WoW - that's a Draenei (race). I don't know what class. How I love that game... lol. I am such a loser nerd.

Anyway. I should go read & relax or something, I dunno. *sigh*

*needs cuddles* :(

*Cuddles Scarletdreamer*
I had a horrible Diazapam hangover , my arms and legs are still tired from it , had to try and nap . Still I didn't S.I. and I so easily could of done.

I went round all the shops earlier looking at the booze , didn't buy any though , I guess thats a little victory for me :)

i want to not exist please.

Will hug you later but at the moment I am radioactive and may infect you.

i'm
struggling,
cant find anyone to talk to, my confidence to ask for help has like, gone:/
madness,
haha :) amberrI dont like my namee, its boring :L
x

*cuddles everyone*

Crying again. Great :/

April, thank you for the pm, helped more than you could ever know xxx

*hugs Doikers* yes. you made sense and helped a bit. i cut today. as planned. i don't think i even care anymore. hell...handbasket....me.

*cuddles scarlet* i am not really ok. but better than i could be i guess. so thank you for asking. your cat sounds cute. my cat right now is sitting on the keyboard of my bf's laptop cleaning his paws. he's getting very sleepy. then waking up cuz he hits a button or two and the chime dings.


i made the appointment to be evaluated for intensive outpatient program. i am terrified. i don't know if i'll go through with it but at least i made the appt.

*hugs to all* i'm going to my mom's house to deliver her a valentine. i like to pretend that i am nice.

*cuddles everyone*

I've express mailed my complaint to the Health Quality & Complaints Committee today. Am writing an application and cover letter for a job tomorrow morning. Trying to get hold of my new pdoc to get an urgent med change because this depression just won't let go of me. So over everything. I just want to disappear from this world. The pain of living makes me struggle. *sigh* I know these episodes usually end - but they usually end with me doing something stupid ... so that's not much solace. I wish that I could outrun my skin and be just wind ...

*duddles helen* i hope u stop crying soon :-( Im sorry things are crappy right now.

*hugs quiet1* i think its good that you made the appointment. Try to follow thru with it. Hand in there.

*hugs kahlia" good job on mailing your complaint and good luck on your job application. Sounds like you are trying to make positive steps. I hope that you don't do anything.. Stay strong.

*cuddles everyone else* - sorry there have been a lot of replies so i decided to start over with the top of this page.

I talked to my friend tonight. I almost broke down into tears several times. He is trying to help, I am grateful.. but Im so scared that if i keep talking he will leave like everyone else does that i trust. He says he wont.. i just think he will get sick of listening. He told me that people care about me.. that he cares about me... I almost lost it right there. Nobody ever tells me that in real life.

*cuddles everyone*

Laura(star): I'm trying to make positive steps. It's just that everything is such a struggle. *sigh*

Thank you all for your support.

I got a phone call from the crisis team today. The guy I talked to is the guy from there I talked to on Friday. He actually seemed a bit concerned that the depression wasn't lifting. He said they would give me a call on Friday or Saturday .... I won't believe it until it happens. It came out of the blue.

Erg. Is there any way to switch a head/brain off for a few hours so that I can have some depression free time? Any ideas?

*cuddles Helen* How are you feeling this morning, love? And you're welcome for the PM, it's the least I can do!!

*cuddles LauraStar* I'm glad that you got a chance to talk with your friend - & I'm glad that you got a chance to hear what we've been telling you - IRL. :) People do care... it's just that it's SO hard to see it when we are in bad places such as these.

*cuddles Kahlia* It does sound like you're making positive steps... please try & stay safe, I know you are, just keep trying!! Also, what job for which are you applying? That definitely sounds positive... maybe if it's something that you enjoy it will help lift you out of your depression. I'm glad that the guy from the crisis team called (what exactly is a crisis team? just what it sounds like? people who come out [house calls] for people in crisis?)... hopefully he will call back later this week to check on you. *more cuddles*

*cuddles quiet1* Sorry, I forget your name - again!! lol. :o Try not to be too scared of the IOP program... it may sound intimidating & be intimidating at the beginning, but I think it will help. Your chance to get more intense treatment without being hospitalized. Please take the chance... dive right in & work on getting back to your healthy, happy self. And if there never were a healthy, happy self, then maybe this will help create one. How are you doing this morning?

Mark, LauraFriend, Jocelyn, Ambs, anyone else I forgot (& I know I'm missing people) - how are you guys all doing today? *cuddles all*

I'm really tired. And frustrated with myself. I got my portfolio done for yesterday, spent a few hours on it and then the prof didn't even collect them. :( Today I have a health psych exam (at one, it's 8am now) and I haven't completed studying for that yet... so I really need to do that!! I feel so ****ing incompetant... such a bad student... it's like everything is being put off until the last minute. :(

And then for advanced counseling techniques, I need to read the chapter and outline it and study stuff online - I swear that this prof has more work to her course(s) than most others do!! I really feel like I'm falling behind in that class... my head is drowning in all of the stuff I have to get done before 1pm today... and I don't want to do any of it. :(

Stupid self. I really need to DIE. :crying: