*hugs laura and lia*
lia-i know right, winters here! lol.
and also, lia, if you want to tell us what you were worrying about last night, we are all here for you. and my PM box is always open.x

*hugs everyone*

I can't live with BPD. My emotions are too strong to cope with.

*hugs lindsay* you can live with it sweetie, i know you can, and beleive me i know how strong the emotions can get, but it's not always like that, are you in DBT?

*Hugs Lindsey* Nicole's right, you can live with this Lindsey. We all have faith in you and understand it won't be easy, but you're strong enough to do this. The very fact that you're hear now proves that. EDIT: I've just been nosing on your profile and I see you're 1 week and 2 days free. See, you can do it. It might be a small step, but it's those that build the foundations to true recovery and happiness and I know you can do it. :)

Thanks Nicole, I had the strongest urge to call you Rachel just then for reasons unknown, I don't think there's even a Rachel on this ward...anyway. Yep, it certianly is, but that means Christmas :) I've already eaten four mince pies and it's only Spetember.

I've been on this ward for 3 months and 17 days and have finally built up a trust in the people here. Feel as if you've achieved something, there are very few people I trust completely with anything I have to say. I will find the words one day, I just don't know if there's anything to tell.

lol lia, where the hell did you get rachel from?! and no i dont think there is a rachel on this ward :/ we need a rachel XD. and dont you go on about christmas, my mum is obsessed XD

Lol, sorry. I love it though. Don't you? My hands are cold.

How are you today anyway Nicole?

lol, it's my feet that are cold!
i'm gd taa, feeling a bit weird as i'm sorta realising i have a crush on my tutor already XD it's not my fault! she's lovley! <3 how're you?

I didn't know you were a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with it, I've no room to throw stones, I just didn't know is all. Word of warning though, you don't even want to go there. I fell in love with my English teacher and I could have backed off when it was simply a crush but I didn't and I fell hard on the ground and am still there now she's walked off and left me. Now that makes it sound like something happened, it didn't, what I mean is she's moved away. Anyway, I'm just gonna shut up.

lol, you didnt? you should do (although actually i'm bi, so y'know) we talked in the homosexual home in general support threads. and you told me about your english teacher. i know nothings ever gonna happen, but i can dream XD shes just so nice! shes really pretty and she is so understanding about my MH issues. <3

Cuddles all. Erm. Curls up in corner

Ah yes, I remember now. I just forgot. Things tend to fly my memory pretty often. Just don't fall in love with her because trust me, it hurts like hell.

*Hugs Jill* How are you today?

lol, thats ok. and i think i sorta may be falling in love with her :/ but its ok, i've been here so many times before that i know how to handle it.
*hugs jill*

Hey lia:don't think I can answer that honestly right now.
How's you?

How have you survived it? I couldn't do it more than once. It hurts too much. Two years I loved her for. I still do. Just I'll never see her again.

I'm alright Jill. Just rocking out here in the ward. We're all here for you if you do want to talk though.

*cuddles all*

So I got an appointment to see a surgeon about my gallbladder. I'm scared. Really scared. I know I can't go on like this but I also know I don't want surgery. :(

Thanks for being here for me through everything. Some days I really need people to talk to who won't judge, so thanks

lia-i think it helps that i can completley emotionally detatch myself from situations when they get too hard... :/

I'm learning how to do that. For months after she left I felt nothing. I didn't allow myself to.

Sarah, it's ok, we're always here if you need us. I know what you mean. I love this place too. I don't have a lot of advice about tomorrow, but I'm sure you'll be OK. We'll all be thinking of you.

Cheers lia. Erm got so many messed up thoughts running through my head. Also feeling very triggered the thoughts won't go away.

Well I typed it out and accidently deleted it sheesh . Very loud hectic evening with mum,dad,sister,bro in law , Baby neice, Granny , Hyper Uncle , Aunt , 4 year old cousin I've never met . Was okay glad many have left and its quiet .

My Assesment for this therapy???? meetings went okay , I came out to a new worker ( to me ) as an injurer , was a little awkward but okay .

yeah. its like sometimes i cant, but theres certain things that i can. heh. i think i just like her because she is so caring, yesterday we were in a lesson and she changed to whole lesson plan so that i didnt get panicky. i dont know any other teachers that would do that.

I can vouch for the hurting like hell bit. Not that I fell in love with any of my teachers. Well I've had crushes, think most people do, but some fall harder than that I know and it uscks :(

*cuddles everyone*

Lia, I think it was you that asked how I was? I'm relatively okay, itchy, ha! How you doing? Thank you for your PMs last night x

Wish it was tomorrow, but alas its not until 21st October, so I'm panicing already :( hope you are all okay *massive cuddles*

What's 21st October Sarah? *cuddles tight*

Ward's moving fast again tonight, don't think we've moved this fast in a while?? Or maybe it's just because I'm not around in the ward so much these days aha.

*huggles all*

Just realised that it's our milestone day Helen & April again today (25 Sept)!!
*big hugs to all*

Feeling extremely tired as I got up at 4am.

Consultation with a surgeon :(

I may hate my gallbladder but I want to keep it :p

*Hugs Kahlia*

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs Nicole*

*Hugs Sarah*

*Hugs Jill*

Hey all who have joined since I went to make tea.

That does sound sweet Nicole. My English teacher was lovely like that. When I told her I was being bullied, she goes 'I'm going to sort this out, I'm not having you being bullied.' I was like 'Aww, bless you'. I miss her. I'm trying to shut that out thought just as I shut out everything else.

I want to say something, but I really don't know if I can.

it was sweet. and we had a copy of our work that we did in a group, and everyone needed a copy so she said we all had to copy it out, then she said to the class 'and im gonna give the original copy to nicole cause im being nice to her today' so i didnt have to do any work lol.
lia-what do you want to say sweetie, you can say it to us.

Sorry you woke up so early. Yay for 25th in Aussie :D Will be the 25th here in less than 4 hours.

Ah I see *cuddles* Hopefully it'll go well.

Should do, I mean I'm being irrational, it needs doing so I can eat again properly, but still, the thought of things poking around inside me terrifies me. :(

*hugs all* sorry for my lack of individuals, I just feel terrible and my memory is horrific right now

I don't know if it's time or if I will regret it only if I keep it in much longer, I will bottle it. And now I feel I'm being utterly stupid.

lia-we cant force you into telling us, but i'm sure you will feel a lot better when you have, and you shouldnt bottle things up, its not good for you. but you're not being stupid hun.

Wow, the ward IS moving quite quickly at the moment, hasn't been like this for awhile - you're right, Hels. :)

Oh & Kahlia & Hels - I've been counting weeks and it was 12 weeks for me on Wednesday so now I'm confused... lol... because I know that we were synced up at some point, so how could it go wrong? I've been going by counting weeks with each Wednesday... ahhh, brain totally NOT WORKING. :( But congrats to you anyway!!! XD *cuddles*

Sarah, I'm sure the surgery won't be that bad, and you'll feel tons better after it's done (well, not immediately after, but you know what I mean :P)... but that being said, I don't blame you for being panicky. *cuddles*

Sorry not more individuals, Jarrod ought to be home shortly... :)

*glomps Sarah, Lia, Hels, and Mark, as I spy you all!!* :D

Er okay this half an hour should be interesting. Erm

*cuddles tight* What terrifies you about it? Feel free to PM if you want it to be kept private x

You know you can tell us, but we won't push or force you. Be kind to yourself, especially if you feel able to tell. Do you know what's stopping you?

*agrees*

Well...I think me & Kahlia count by months so like everytime it's the 25th in Australia/England we are another month free?? Every time I've give up, I've counted the first four weeks, then one month, two, etc!!! Does that make sense???

What do you mean?

*Draws deep breath.* While I am utterly disconnected from my emotions I will get this over with.

I don't even know how to start as there's nothing really to tell. I'm just scared there might be. Right, well I guess here goes.

Damn, I'm sorry I can't figure out how to hide this so I'll just warn you now this contains SA.

I'm worried I have repressed memories of sexual assult. There, said it now. Might as well finish.

I have reasons for thinking this...I think the best way of going about it is making a list, but that just seems stupid. Oh I don't even know and I'm meant to be good with words. This is stupid anyway. I'm stupid. I just don't know how to do this. There are no rules and this isn't one of my fictions. It is very, very real.

I hate physical contact. But not all. I just don't like intimate physical contact, including hugs (although cyber hugs are fine). I have a friend who wants to 'cure' me of this and keeps putting her arm around my waist and I just want to shove her off me each time. It makes me feel uncomfortable and weird.

I also dislike men. They make me feel uncomfortable too, although the ones in my theatre class are growing on me. Girls are my preferred company.

I know there's more, but I can't even think now.

Oh yes. My other fear is public toilets. Not as in 'argh! It's a toilet!' But I hate being in them alone. I get all paranoid and it freaks me out.

I'm also just a generally jumpy and fidgety person. I can't sit still and jump every time my phone goes off or the toast pops out of the toaster. I get moods where being around people is just awful and I develop a random fear of everyone around me.

There's also the 'badness'. The worthlessness I feel, so deeply that I want to kill myself sometimes just because it's the only way to be away from me. I feel dirty, disgusting. I hate myself so much, I can't even put it into words. I don't even know why, there's just a badness somewhere there.

What started this off is an episode of EastEnders of all things. For those of you who aren't in the UK, it's a soap opera. Basically, there was this SA storyline, and I was like 'oh that's pleasant' but I watched it anyway and just totally freaked. I was shaking afterwards and panicking and I had no idea what was wrong with me. It was weird, but since then, this is all I've thought about.

I also seem to 'know' the topic more than I should. If the topic comes up (which is a surprising amount), I can say things and people will just be like 'how the hell would you know that?' I know what it feels like and I shouldn't. ANd that's when I try to restrict what I say so people don't give me odd looks.

But I'm being dumb and I doubt anyone will bother to read this and I am so so sorry because I know there are people that really have been through it and then there's me who can't even remember and I'm so sorry if I offend anyone and you have every right to call me any name you want. Throw me off the ward, call me the pathetic, dirty cow that I am. I'm so sorry.

*cuddles Helen* I'm just scared of the pain afterwards, I'm such a wuss :( though I wish I could eat without feeling sick. Also I know mum will make my recovery awkward, she's been mean to the dog after his surgery. I worry too much.

*hugs Lia* We'll never throw you off the ward for something like that, we're all here for you. Wish I could do more to help you :(

*hugs lia* sweetie, we arent gonna throw you off the ward, call you nasty names or do anything nasty towards you, well, i know i'm not, and i'm sure noone else will. you're not being stupid at all, a lot of people block out memories of SA because it's just so much easier for them. and even if nothing happend, that doesnt mean these feelings arent valid, everyone deserves to feel safe, and if you dont then you need to do something, is there anyone you can tell about these feelings? well done for telling us though hun. x

*Hugs Lia* You're NOT Dirty or pathetic , we wouldn't want you to leave the ward . I'm sorry you feel so freaked out , I think I would be freaked out too in your shoes *Extra hugs*

*Hugs the ward* , I'm gonna log off for the night , I will be at my parents until Sunday so sorry in advance if I can't keep up in the ward .

Don't be nice to me please. I appreciate it, but I don't deserve it. It's alright, you can be honest. I don't expect people to believe me.

I'm off to hide somewhere in a hole.

*hugs mark* night night.x
*hugs lia* sweetie, you do deserve it, and we all beleive you, please stay safe hun.x

I'm glad it's the weekend. I don't think I could of handled everything going on at school for another day. I really don't wanna go back there on monday. So I'm just going to catch up on my sleep - I have purple bags under my eyes - and rest for once. Give my cuts from yesterday time to heal - no signs of infection, incase you're worried - and forget everything that's happened even if only for a short time, it would still be utter bliss. xx

Lia, hon, we're not lying to you. You know us better than that (I hope). We're being nice because it's honestly how we feel about you. You're not all the things you think you are - pathetic, dirty, useless, etc., etc. I'm not trying to invalidate those feelings because sadly they are very very real, but you AREN'T all those bad things. *gentle hugs* Proud of you for telling people here... and I don't know about you, but in a way, I think that those who think something may've happened but can't remember are worse off than those that know something has. I mean, I say this without being in the shoes of someone who HAS known that something has happened without it coming back in bits & pieces (that's me, repressed memories & all) and I am also NOT invalidating those who've experienced it and remembered it (SA, I mean), because either way it is AWFUL and should NEVER EVER BE. But... I mean, knowing for sure that it happened, SA or whatever experience have you, or being hazy on the details? I would prefer knowing that it happened, whether it's just everyday life or SA stuff. But sadly mine is all haphazard and broken up into bits. And it's not easier that way. May've been for a bunch of years ("my" SA stuff happened between the ages of 14 and 17) but then BAM a memory hits you and you can't stop thinking about it, it dominates your life and sometimes sends you in a tailspin (like me recently with the ED crap). But anyway, sorry, enough about me - I was just trying to explain what I meant before I offended anyone. :-S Hopefully I didn't, definitely didn't mean to!!! :-/

But yes, Lia, well done for telling the ward. :) *more hugs*

'Kay, now I'm gonna shut up before I seriously make someone angry... :-S

the devil telling me i must die i cant fight him

Don't give in, don't give up Ryuu. Your stronger than this, we'll help you through it! Please...Don't give in.

And Lia, Well done for telling us. I may be young but I know that must have taken alot for you to write. I'm proud of you. You're not stupid or disgusting. If anyone on here thought that about you then they are. We all love you honey, don't give up, it'll be okay, it'll be okay.

Oh Lia. We could never throw you off the ward sweetheart. I don't want to invalidate your feelings either, but you're not disgusting or pathetic. No matter how much you feel like that. From what you said, you very well could be repressing memories. I did that for well over four years and even now some memories are still hazy. It's really **** thing to deal with. Sorry, I have stuff I want to stay that I think would help but struggling to get it out. But you're not alone in this darling. I promise you.


You're not a wuss sweetheart. It's understandable that you're scared about the pain. I'm sure they'll give you painkillers or something to help you cope. *cuddles lots*

okay, ummm help? The place I cut on my arm yesterday hurts everytime I move it. is this because the plaster is pulling at it or because i'm stretching the skin? I know this is a medical question but I'd prefer to ask it here cuz i know all of you. :( help? xx

Could be to do with the plaster. Is it showing signs of infection??

Thanks guys. I was so scared that you wouldn't believe me and I'm sorry for thinking any of you could be like that. It wasn't you, more me. I can't see why anyone should or would believe me. But thank you for your support. I guess you're right in a way April. It's awful not knowing, I can't even let myself get properly upset because it's like I don't deserve to since I don't even know what I'm meant to be upset over and it might be nothing and then what does that make me? Gah, stupid.