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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 01-12-2018 05:10 PM

I will definitely ask my cpn.

It's my works christmas do tonight. 1920s themed. I've had my hair done and now I'm sat on the floor crying. I just want to be able to cut more and everything hurts.

one_step_closer 01-12-2018 06:47 PM

Will anything make tonight a bit easier for you? Do you know why you want to cut/what you need from it? I hope you get on ok.

tamobhuuta 02-12-2018 12:46 PM

How did last night go?

chinahorse 07-12-2018 07:05 PM

This week is being a disaster. I've ended up in a and e from self harm, had an awful pain clinic appointment and broken down sobbing at work twice and my boss told me today I'm not allowed to cry at work any more all while I was sobing on the floor because of the way she spoke to me. My boss is a bully. I nearly walked out today. And I don't care but why beat up the people who turn up to work and work hard and don't moan? And my mum just talked about herself when I rang her and disnt listen when I said on sepa rate occasions that I'm mentally not good and not coping.

I'm sad. I'm very down and feel suicidal but without a plan. And to top it off my CPN is off sick and they could take up to 6 months to offer an explanation to the formal complaint I made to them.

Nothing seems worth living for.

tamobhuuta 07-12-2018 07:36 PM

I am so sorry things are so bad. Sending you love. Sorry I don't have any answers.

nonperson 07-12-2018 08:03 PM

I wish I had answers too. =( Your boss sounds so awful and uncaring! Does she know about your mental health stuff as well as the fibro?

I'm sorry your mum didn't listen as well. Could you give her another call and try again?

chinahorse 07-12-2018 10:00 PM

My boss should know. I filled out a form about health stuff when I joined and I didn't lie and I don't wear long sleeves all the time either. She'll skew everything to how she thinks and what she thinks I said rather than what I actually said next time I speak to her as well.

I don't want to try again. I've been trying for a few weeks now.

Thanks both for you care xx

Unbreakable. 07-12-2018 11:14 PM

I am sorry that the people around you don't seem to give much of a f*ck.
That must be frustrating and hurtful. It is really not fair.

For whatever it's worth- I care and I love you loads <3

one_step_closer 10-12-2018 05:24 PM

How are you doing Lillie? Sending hugs.

chinahorse 10-12-2018 11:07 PM

Am not overly sure how I am. Im lurching from day to day- hysterically crying at work spending nights in A +E, my friends staging interventions to keep me alive over the weekend but then Im working, Im getting a kitten, Im trying to keep going.

But I have difficult to explain family stress going on. My leg is also infected again and I want to cut desperately. Havent seen my cpn in a while as she was off sick and hasnt contacted me either. I dunno how I am. But thank you all for caring.

one_step_closer 11-12-2018 01:35 PM

You sound muddled and hurting inside while trying to seem ok on the surface. You really do just keep going, you are so strong. Are your friends supportive? Is there anyone you can talk to about the family stress? You deserve to be cared about. I hope things start improving soon.

chinahorse 16-12-2018 10:15 AM

I can talk to my mum a bit but she has the stress worse than me. The stress is getting worse.

I feel really down at the moment. Work is untenable.my mum broke her knee and is having surgery today and can't come visit now nor can I visit her.

My leg is infected again and the new antibiotics are making me feel so ill.

I don't know why I feel so down and low. I just do. How do I stop?

one_step_closer 17-12-2018 05:28 PM

There doesn't need to be a firm reason why you feel so low, but there are lots of things going on for you at the moment that most people would find difficult to cope with. How is your Mum doing, do you keep in touch regularly? Are you still managing to take the antibiotics or could you get another GP appointment to see what else could be tried? What do you mean by 'how do I stop?' Is it being low that you want to stop?

chinahorse 17-12-2018 07:58 PM

How do I stop living I'm tired. How do I stop this shit life?

Psychiatrist today didn't listen.

Can't get more time off work for the GP.

Mum seems to be doing ok.

one_step_closer 18-12-2018 01:13 PM

What did the psychiatrist say? What would make you feel heard?

I'm sorry things continue to be awful for you.

chinahorse 30-12-2018 08:09 PM

I'm sorry I didn't reply. I'm useless. Psychiatrist said I need to put myself first and go to some assessments.


Struggling to cope and function. Really struggling to keep going I'm fed up and so so tired. I'm not at risk I'm just really fucking low.

tamobhuuta 30-12-2018 08:16 PM

I am glad you are not at risk but I hear how bad you are feeling. I think the psych is right, you need to put yourself first. What are the assessments for?

chinahorse 30-12-2018 08:21 PM

I am putting the need to pay my bills and feed myself first. That is putting myself first. I get so angry that peiple can't understand that.

One is with the head of psychological therapies and the other is with dbt lead. But I'd have to take time off work.

tamobhuuta 30-12-2018 08:26 PM

Can you talk to your boss about it?

chinahorse 30-12-2018 10:14 PM

There's no point.

There's no point in anything. I'm not happy when I'm at work. I'm not happy when I'm at home. I can barely make myself function day to day. I haven't washed. I'm exhausted and empty. There's just no point.

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