Cuddles April. No worries I'm okays, really okays. Loves you guys.

**wanders in, picks up a duvet, drags over a beanbag chair and curls up with a hot water bottle, she brings out a half-finished bracelet and a box of multi-coloured seed beads and lays them on her lap**

My father had an emotional day at work, came home and decided he wanted a bottle of wine. Because he's had a hard day, it's effecting him more than usual...and when he gets drunk he gets stupid and irritable...and sometimes volatile, lashing out at everything and everyone irrationally.

I'm not majorly triggering, but when he gets like this it is a trigger for me...I've just been dealing with it for too long and sometimes I don't feel like dealing with it anymore

So here I am. Though in real life I'm going to go and absorb myself in a movie and focus on my beading.

Today, I am going to scream. *hides under duvet*

*Hugs everyone*

So Many posts ..... I'm sorry about not doing many individuals :S

Kahlia, is your flatmate okay , I mean he obviously had a reason for going to the hospital and didn't get treated ?

Lia , I'm very worried about you , please tip the pills away.

Jill, I know what you mean about getting drunk to feel better , I did just that on the 31st of August and the 1st of September :S Just so you know I empathise .

someone please tell me why I cant stop crying

^^ **hug** ^^

*Hugs Lex*

*Hugs Mara*

*huggles everyone*

To those who asked about my housemate: He's not crash hot, sort of playing it by ear. He's sleeping until about 10 maybe 11 in the mornings now, has lots of stomach issues - which was what drove him to the hospital because the pain and nausea was so bad he couldn't take any of his pain or psych meds. Not sure what he's planning to do ... He does have a GP appointment on Sunday, so maybe just waiting until then.

April: It's okay, I know you have a lot going on. I'm still working on a "part II" to that PM as well by the way. Things just seem to be crashing/raining down on everyone at the moment. I'll write about me at the bottom but just in case you miss it ... I really am not crash hot.

To everyone who sent me hugs/good wishes/etc: Sorry for grouping you all together but I didn't want to inadvertently leave someone out. Thanks so much it was really appreciated. Not doing brilliantly at the moment and I can do with all the support that I can get.

About me: My psychiatrist asked me to half the amount of Xanax I'm taking so that I'm on 4 mg per day instead of up to 10 mg last week via email so I've been suffering withdrawals from that. He was speculating that the half life of the xanax (10 hours) was causing me to wake up early in the morning on the nights I could sleep and was stopping the mogadon (sleeping pill) from working when I was attempting to use it because I couldn't sleep. Anyway the experience is not pleasant. I am terrified every single time I leave the house now. But I don't have a choice sometimes. *sigh*

My housemate has noticed the "change" in my eating as I've let my anorexic mindset take control except for yesterday's major binge session which my housemate was incredibly happy about. He even commented that he was really happy because he was beginning to get concerned about my eating habit change and some "unhealthy" thought patterns towards eating.

I've started having stronger urges towards ODing, SI and some very strong urges towards suicide which I start talking about with my housemate but he made a really hurtful comment towards me and then walked away before I was able to say anything. Grrrrrr. I'm sorry. He also got me moderately annoyed when he got the level where he got free meds. Especially when I've paid for half of his medications so far...

Anyway I feel like absolute crap. I'm just so damn over it. I don't even know if I want to live or not anymore. I'm so sick of trying. Screw it all. Really.

Women , your opinions please , If you got your favourite chocolate bar and a seaglass pendant roll up in a crinkled scarf with wooden buttons on in a bag that has happy birthday written on it for your (30th) Birthday would you like it? , I haven't had the oppourtunity to show my sister or mum and wanted a womans thoughts. I know individual tastes mean a lot but I mean in general do you think it's a good presant? It's for my best friend .

Oh Kahlia :( I'm sorry you are struggling so much *Hugs* I wish I had magickal faerie dust to sprinkle over you ...

I think that sounds lovely, as long as jewellery and scarves are their thing, which it's not for me. But yeah, if it suits their interests then it sounds great!

Hello everyone, sorry, not up to individuals, feeling a mix of anxious and spaced.

Well I asked her what she would like and the only answer I got was jewelery so , yeah , it's her thing , I really wanted to treat her as I know she is struggling with turning 30 ( As am I this year ,ugh) and I wanted to make her happy on her birthday.

I think it sounds lovely, I'm sure she'll appreciate it. I have no idea what it's like to turn thirty, but could you both look at it as age being just a number? You are only as young as you feel.

I think it sounds good!!!

Sounds great. In fact, I might just steal it.

HEEE!Thanks Claire, Lex and Lindsay, you have given me a bit of confidence in my presant (Make Sense?)

Ooooh Mark, I'm gonna come over there & steal it as well!! XD It sounds absolutely lovely. Really does. You definitely ought to have some confidence in giving gifts, that's really a splendid one. :) *hugs* How are you doing this morning??

Sorry, too many posts to reply to right now, but:

Lia - PM me anytime, I'm always about. :) Well, not in the middle of the night, but you know what I mean. *hugs* And yes, maybe PM me the next time you feel like taking those pills? because letting feelings out can really relieve those types of feelings. I know I'm no therapist (yet) but... maybe I can help, I don't know.

Kahlia - sorry you're not doing very well at all, and I think that that comment about the bingeing was very inconsiderate of your housemate, ugh. :( Please keep talking with us especially if you don't have anyone else to talk with IRL, and please don't give in to the suicidal urges. Your life is definitely worth so much more. Please, hon. You've got to believe it... I know that we do. <3 *cuddles gently*

Shaughnessy - welcome to the thread!! I'm sorry your dad's like that... but I am glad that you have a way to kind of escape IRL. That's good. Also, posting here is good - this is a welcoming, supportive, and awesome group of people. :) *hugs if okay?*

*hugs Lex, Mara, and Claire* How are you doing??

Okies. End to replies. Just wanted to do a few (lol) and yes Lia, I suppose I do give a damn about some things if I do epic replies. ;) I care about you all, yes, all of you, whether you think you're worth caring about or not. :)

Just got up about 20 minutes ago which is rather scandalous for us... 7:30am. Haven't slept in that late for years now... Jarrod came to bed around 2am which I find ridiculous... but he's still suspended from work, "pending investigation" for something he didn't do but sounded like he did (for whatever sense that makes). So that definitely does not make me happy. :( It's nice having him home, but then again, that gives someone to monitor over my food intake etc. :-/ *sigh* Oh well.

And guess what?! I'm STILL EXHAUSTED. Even though I slept from 9pm-ish until 7:30am-ish!!! I make no sense. And I still haven't had my meds, silly me. Ought to go get those in a bit I suppose, ugh. At least here no one "looks at me funny" if I mention meds, since most of us are on them... In WoW, with anyone that I don't know too well, if I mention that I "am gonna log for a bit to do morning stuff, get meds, etc." they're like... "what the hell?!" ... although not in those words. Haha. Oh well. Makes me feel rather... crazy.

*cuddles all & does the Futterwacken on the way out*

im stealing it too mark ;]

*cuddles april and alexx and lia and kahlia and taz and laura*
<3 will do individuals in a bit, aunts almost here

[quote*cuddles all & does the Futterwacken on the way out*
][/quote]

What is that^^^^^^ April ? Futterwacken sounds hilarious and rather rude , like a german swearword:)

I just hope my friend loves her presant as much as all you stealing girls do :)lol

This, my dears, is the Futterwacken:


I love this clip. XD It's from the new "Alice in Wonderland" ... :) And Mark, lol, I do agree, it's like a German swearword. I have no idea where the producers came up with it, I suppose I could look it up... :P

Ugh. Breakfast. About time as it's 9am my time, but still, YUCK!!! At least I got to see how to use our new blender. ;) I know how to use blenders, but this one is new and fancier than what I'm used to. Ahaha. >_< It's an okay smoothie ("protein drink") but my nutritionist lied to me when she said that I wouldn't be able to taste the banana. >_<

Anyway. Hope you're all doing alright!! *cuddles and safe care packages all around*