I cut because I hate myself, and I hate myself for cutting.
 

I thought I had recovered from self harm for the longest time, but recently I've started to again, and I get urges whereas I never used to before. A couple weeks ago I was feeling suicidal and my mom had me go to the hospital. I had to stay for about five days in inpatient, and then I left. I felt suicidal again a few days later, and had to go back for another week. While I was there I occasionally felt the urge to self harm, and I would tell the people there when that happened, which I think helped me to get rid of the urge.

But at home it's so much easier to get depressed. My mom is always mad, the house is a mess, and there's just so many problems I have to face while I'm here. I can't tell my mom when I get the urge to cut, because she doesn't understand and she'll start crying and blaming herself for my depression, which just makes things worse.

It just makes me wish I was back at the hospital and that I could stay there for good. Is it a terrible thing to say that besides missing my family I was happier there than I am here? =/

no, its not a horrible thing. but it is important to try and cope without the hospital and only go there if you're really really unsafe. cause if you go there too much, you'll forget how to cope outside and it will only make everything more difficult once you go back to real life.

did they set up a therapist or psych for you to see after you left inpatient? or do you have a treatment plan, or a safety plan that you can follow?

I'm going to an outpatient program that's kind of like school. It's from 8:00 to 3:30 weekdays. I'll be going to that for a week until I'm discharged and after that I'll continue seeing a therapist once a week or maybe every two weeks. It's just strange, I'm fine until I step inside my house, then everything just sucks. I don't know how to cope, and I hate it here. Cutting is the only thing that seems to help.

i've been in one of those sort of programs too, so i know what you're talking about. i found it helpful while i was transitioning....

is there anything in your house that particularly makes you feel gloomy? like if its dark, or you're the only one there, or its too quiet, that you could change so that the mood of the house feels happier.... maybe if you live on your own you could tack up quotes or photos, or things that remind you of happy things so that if you feel down you can look at one of them and feel better?

Those are all really good ideas. :) I appreciate your advice. I'm feeling kind of down today and tried talking things out with my mom, hopefully it ends up as a good alternative to cutting.

how did that work out with your mom? thinking about you...

Hope it went well with your mom. I've been to one of those tye of programmes too, does it feel helpful for you? I often find myself wishing I was back in hospital too but we have to learn to live our lives in the community where we belong.

I am sorry you feel so bad right now. I agree with Past Expiration and Dancin'. The hospital may seem like a good place, but we have to try to live outside the hospital as best we can, although that's easier said than done.

Thinking of you :) Take care!

i know how you feel when you say that you dont want to go back home. i think its actually quite common for ppl whove stayed in programs like that. i know for me i wanted to stay in that hospital for a lot longer than a week. i didnt want to go back home where all those bad feelings came from. but, like everyone else, we all had to face it. hope things go well and better with your mum.