Was there anything in hospital that was helping that you could carry on with or put in place at home?

It helped to have people around. It helped to have someone I could go to for reassurance. It helped that I was mostly safe from myself. It helped that people would talk things through with me when the men etc were being particularly bad and assured me that we were all safe. I suck at self soothing, I always need another person.

I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow. I have written pages and pages of stuff but I likely still won't be heard.

Well done for writing stuff for your CPN. I hope they are helpful. I'm sorry you miss the support of hospital, it is ok and good to take care of yourself.

I don't know if this is useful, but I like to replay youtube live chats when I feel like I need to have actual humans around me. They're usually a good hour or two long, and it's not stuff you have to pay super hard attention to or watch when live. If there's any youtubers you like, you could try that. The same thing with podcasts. A lot of podcasts have both a video and audio only option, so I do the video option so I can look at them. I struggle when I cannot see where voices are coming from, like radio and stuff like that.

I hope it goes well with your CPN today, I'll be thinking of you.

Thanks for your suggestions. It's not that I miss hospital I just think I still need the support of hospital right now.

I just can't do life.

I need to say my goodbyes and actually go.

Thinking of you x

Thanks.

I seriously feel like my heart, soul, and head are aching and fighting and trapped and hopeless. I can't get that across to anyone. My CPN is seeing me more frequently and said she's not going to readmit me to hospital which I think might have actually been helpful but I said nothing in case she thought it was a want rather than a need. I cried most of the way though. I asked not to be made to live. But I know no one is making me live, I'm just saying I am trapped please let me out. I'm in such a low mood I'm not even self harming much so I don't think I can do anything about suicide right now. I have to find a way that involves less fear and less effort.

I'm not sure what I got across and what I didn't. I was crying most of the way through. No one can feel this terrible ache and the agony of life and I can't express it in any way. She mostly just focused on how I need to sort out my eating and how I looked like I was totally drugged up on Lorazepam. I'm coming off my lunch time dose for now anyway. Informally between me and my CPN. She said I can keep the lunch time doses in case I need them as PRN as long as I'm not going to overdose but that is pretty tempting.

Thank you.

This world is LOUD and the other world is LOUD and they're both mixing together and I'm distressed and exhausted. Plus all this coronavirus stuff. I'm more worried about my brother because he has health anxiety and can't self isolate because he works in a supermarket and doesn't have an official diagnosis.

Gym group is off because the gym is closed. The worker is going to phone us each week for a chat. I'm going to have to use the phone lots maybe to talk to my CPN too. They're not allowed to do home visits but the health centre is still open for now so I can come there for my appointments. It's a bit scary going on the bus though. There is often a women on it who the drivers call 'coughing Annie' because she coughs everywhere and doesn't make any attempt to cover her mouth. She was sitting behind me on the bus today. I was going to collect a cat food order but there' all messed up too. I hope I don't run out of cat food.

I've not been self harming much, it doesn't help any more. I still bash my head and my arms sometimes. I read my hospital notes and even the tiny wrong things they wrote annoy me.

At least if I have scheduled phone calls now I'll be more likely to answer or phone back.

I'm worried about my CPN, she has lots of underlying health issues and is overweight. I didn't even manage to give her a protection sheet.

It's a really odd and difficult time to struggle with mental health. I hope you can have some scheduled phone appointments so it's easier to answer and get some support.

I don't know if ordering cat food online is an option for you? I know I was luckily able to get a bag of prescription food for my dog from our vet which made me feel a lot less anxious. If not, you could also ask your vet about a food recipe that you could make yourself from home. I've heard from other folks that they asked for that in case of emergency and found that comforting.

I just can't do phone calls. :( I cancelled the one with my support worker today. I think the CMHT have been phoning me lots today but I can't answer. I'm not going to be able to get any support. I wish I was allowed email support. I told my support worker I'm too anxious to talk to her on the phone today and her response was that I can call her any time and I can also phone crisis. Why are people not understanding my phone issues? I know it's pretty much all they can offer at the moment though and I'm grateful for their offers of support. I'm worried I'm going to get very mentally unwell without being able to communicate it and will end up in hospital again or maybe even dead.

To get info from the vet I'd need to call. I'm just going to have to bulk buy while I can.

I don't know what to say about the phone. I know I've basically been unable to get support from a new therapist human because the only option is phone at the moment. It's really hard and unfortunate that services aren't set up to accommodate other options.

You said the health centre was open to physically go. Can you try going there to see if any in person support can be offered? If taking a bus feels unsafe is it close enough to walk?

My appointments with my CPN are now to be phone based only. My appointment with my psychiatrist has been cancelled. I saw my CPN today because she didn't leave a message saying face to face appointments aren't happening any more. We don't really focus on MH much anyway it's all about the coronavirus. I'm trying very, very hard to deal with my MH stuff because if it gets to the point that I needed an assessment A&E are turning people with MH problems away and telling them to use community support.

I've put in a GP request to pick up my meds every 2 weeks due to the current situation. I am currently collecting them daily and it will be hard to have so many meds and not overdose but I can't end up in hospital. I will be ok. I've been asked to decrease my Lorazepam again. I don't know how I'm going to occupy myself since you've not to do any unnecessary travelling. I can only stay at home or go for a walk or go to the local shops, I know lots of people are in this position and worse. I'm lucky because I have pen pals to write to but if the letter is a bit bigger/a package it means going to the post office. I'm not sure if I have enough supplies at home. My CPN said if I run out of anything she'd be able to leave it at my door but I don't think she will be able to when she's working from home which will probably be in a couple of weeks. I said if I run out of milk or whatever I'll just do without it. My key worker has also said similarly that she can leave stuff at my door but I don't know if they would when they're working from home. I'm not likely to ask anyway.

What is even happening? I am sorry if any of this stuff is my fault for not being able to always obey the men, especially when I was in hospital.

I hope my brother is going to be ok. He is normally very anxious anyway. I think he's using alcohol to cope. He still has to go to work because he works in a supermarket. In the post office someone said that supermarket staff are being really badly treated by customers. Like someone spitting in their hand before giving the cashier their money because they were annoyed about the lack of stock or something. I don't understand it, I could never imagine myself doing something like that.

Hey, this is a really little thing but with regards to posting stuff. I think there's a way of paying for postage of larger items online on the post office website and then you can just chuck it in a post box. I don't know exactly because I bulk buy first class stamps at a reduced price and then use those to make it up to the right cost (the post office website has a cost document so all you need is a ruler and some scales to work out whether it's a small package, large letter etc). Sorry for the ramble, can you tell I'm a big fan of the postal system?!

None of this is your fault.

Does your brother have any support available to him?

I have one of those things to measure letters etc, I just worry that I might calculate things wrong at the person at the other end will have a fee to pay. The posties might end up stopping working soon anyway...

I don't really think my brother has any support. No one seems to understand his anxiety. He says he talks to his friends and that he's not one for talking about things anyway, he prefers not to. I just hope he doesn't deteriorate mentally.

I'm bored of being in the house. I did go down to Tesco earlier though.

I've had to buy cat food online and don't know if it will ever turn up. I've had to by expensive cat litter too. Supermarkets are saying they are focusing on the essentials but isn't the life of an animal an essential too.

I knew the other world was further getting into this world. I saw the cracks and the smoke. I should have prevented this.

I want to kill myself.

What's going on?

I just feel hugely emotionally awful and I want to end my life for good. It's so strong. I'm sick of this battle. I have a cat on my lap right now though and I likely won't go out at this time of the night but I am hurting so much. I've just been struck by the biggest suicidal wave.