*cuddles Helen* Hope your nan gets her walk too, as it will help her heal faster. Is it difficult seeing her like this? It must be... *gentle hugs for all of the stuff you're going through*

*cuddles Laura* Yeh, I think you'll be fine once you're in the water. Just make sure the newer cuts are well taken care of, but you know that... and maybe put some more antibiotic etc. on them after swimming? because even chlorinated pools can have bacteria that live in them. I don't blame you for being self-conscious but I am pretty sure that no one would notice. If you don't mind me asking (and it's okay if you do, no offense taken), where do you cut? *more cuddles*

Can't go shooting today as it's raining. :( Boo hiss. I was kind of looking forward to that, even though I feel shitty and really full right now. I'm struggling with my parents... I posted awhile ago in the ED forum about this, but I'll post about it here too - my mum has an ED and eats barely anything yet expects me to eat so much more than she does. It's really, really triggering to see her nibble at her food and then have her expect me to eat as much as Jarrod (hubby) does!!

Also... I need to tell my parents about the sexual abuse in high school... but I don't know when, or how, or how to go about doing this. Should I post a thread about this in abuse/bullying?

:crying:

It's not so difficult now as she's getting much better :) But it has been increadibly difficult :'( She walked with my mum this morning =D

Also April, maybe write it out and show your parents? *cuddles* Maybe seeking support from A&B will help, they're fablous :)

It's too hard tonight :'(

*cuddles Helen* What's too hard tonight, sweetie?

Yeh, I think I will post in A&B, they are good there although I tend not to get a ton of replies as I don't post tons there. I do some, in a few threads, but as I haven't had a ton of experience with A&B stuff, I don't always know the right sort of things to say. Plus, it can trigger flashbacks if I'm not careful. :(

I'm really not feeling well... don't feel like typing it all out here but there's a lot going on in my head... I'll try to post in my venting spot in a bit but that's not much good, is it? :-X

:(

Well if you do post, be careful *squishes* Or you could post about it in vets??

Sorry you're not feeling too good, but posting in your venting thread is always good to do too.

Everything's too hard :/

It feels like everything is too hard for me too. I posted in A&B... not sure how many responses I'll get.

So much going on in my head right now, it feels like a whirlpool.

Don't know what to do to get my mind off it. I feel like I'm drowning.

*cuddles you right*

*cuddles back*

Just got told off by someone that I care about... it ****ing hurt... she didn't mean it to be harsh but said that she "doesn't believe in sugar coating things." It was about giving up etc. Said I can't, that there are lots of people out there with problems like mine but the difference between them & me is that they have taken responsibility over their actions and not given in to blah blah blah.

:(

*cuddles all*

*cuddles Jet* How you doing today?

*hides in dark corner for the rest of forever & ever*

*cuddles Jem and April*

*cuddles Helen* How're you, love? feeling any better? how're your friends?

Just had a shithole of a session with my therapist. It was over the phone and only half an hour (okay, 20 minutes) instead of the expected 45-50 minutes. UGH. It really was useless. We didn't talk about telling my parents about the sexual abuse, we didn't talk about the bulimia, we didn't talk about much of ANYTHING.

:crying:

Could maybe email her or ring her again?? :( *cuddles tight*

I think I'm still feeling ****. Deep down I know I'm having a very bad day, I didn't get out of bed til nearly 3pm :/

My best friend G, who was in hospital, is doing okay physically apart from her hip etc. Mentally, not so good. Nearly phoned an ambulance on her last night but thankfully she got in touch again and we had a chat and stuff. Her daughter's not very well today, poor love :(

My other best friend J, she seems to be doing good again today like yesterday =) It's 5 weeks now until I get to see her yay =D

Aw Helen, I wish that I could make your day go better. At least your friends are doing okay... what happened with G's hip? Hopefully she'll mend quickly, both physically & emotionally/mentally... although I know that physical healing generally comes more quickly than mental/emotional. I will keep you all in my prayers. *cuddles*

I'm so tired... it's been a kinda busy day. My sister and I went to Walmart where I overspent... just a little but still, I hate it when I do that. I feel so out of control then, but oh well... :(

*sigh*


So I kinda feel like ****. Plus I had the chance to go to the gym and turned it down... probably should've gone but didn't want to, stupid me. Instead I'm going to do the workout that Vince told us... but I am scared that I am going to be rubbish at it... and blah blah blah, who cares... whatever.

:(

*cuddles april, helen, and jet* how r u guys?

april - i wouldnt worry too much about what ur friend said to u. She cant understand your exact situation and everyone is different. Sorry that you had a bad therapy session. Maybe you could write it out for her like helen suggested.

helen - glad to hear that your friends are at least ok. Sorry you are having a bad day.

Swimming went okay-ish yesterday. I had a lot of anxiety, but i dont think anyone noticed, except maybe one of my friends.. who kept throwing me disapproving looks but didnt say anything to me. April, to answer your question, i usually cut on arms or legs, depending on my mood. It was my leg this time, i guess i shouldve thought it thru better... but i figured that it was january.. so swimming didnt cross my mind.
School starts again tomorrow. Im nervous, but i always am nervous at the beginning of semesters.

*cuddles both*

April, to answer your question, she had hip sugury and popped it out again last week :( I think it'll take her a very long time to heal, she's rather ill really :( But I still love her to death, though she can't understand why :( I'm sure you'll be good at the workout.

Laura, good luck with the new semster :) Understandabel to be nevrous and glad the swimming went okay.

I'm really really upset about few things, oh well >_> Not like anyone freaking cares anymore.

*squishes Laura* Glad that swimming went okay. I cut on my arms, which is probably not the wisest thing to do as my arms are covered in very visible scars... and I have an internship this summer to do. :-X I'll probably be working with psychiatrically disturbed patients and I'm not sure what the staff will think about having an intern who is also psychiatrically disturbed. Urf.

It's understandable, as Helen said, to be nervous about a new semester. God knows I am... I am not ready at all... it doesn't feel like it's actually going to start, you know? I'm sure once I get started on it, it won't be bad, but the starting is always the worst part. >_< I hope you enjoy your classes - and I hope that I do too!! Last semester was an epic fail in terms of enjoyment. Yuck. I hated my courses so much.

*cuddles Helen* We care here about what's going on in your head & life, love. Please remember that. You can always PM me about stuff... I am a good listener & can be a good support, and once in awhile can come up with some good advice. Heh.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend's hip... that had to hurt like hell.

What's upsetting you? *holds you gently*

Just did part of my workout & it was pretty fantabulous. Just the arms and some squats, but it got me warm & my heart pumping, which was what I was aiming for. Woohoo. Only about 20 minutes of exercise, but it is better than nothing & pretty good for someone who's just been ill for almost a week. :)

I'm really upset about that friend still... :(

*hugs april* you could always just wear longer sleeves to your internship. If ur psych problems dont affect ur work i dont see why they would have a problem. And i hope that the new semester is better for u! I agree though, starting is the worst. In fact, i think the first day of classes is painful, but after that it usually gets better. Glad your workout went good.

*cuddles helen* i agree with what april said, we care here. You can always talk to us.

*hugs Laura* Thing is, I don't know if my psych problems will get in the way of work... I hope not, but I am scared that I will get triggered, or the patients/clients will try & push my buttons to make me upset, or I'll go psychotic or suicidal and have to be hospitalized myself. :( I really don't know. It's scary. Sometimes I wish I had been in a different major but I love psychology so much I wouldn't switch for the world. :) It's so fascinating and plus, I know I will have the chance to change people's worlds. THAT will be uber awesome... if only I can get myself stable enough to help other people first. :-X

How's your day been? :)

A couple of nights ago I had two of my friends around. We shall call them H & K. Orginally it was just going to be me & H as we had a few things planned for the day and the evening. We ended up not going to the cinema, but went ahead with the takeaway/alcohol bit. She invites K, which I was half happy/half not happy about. Selfishly wanted her to myself.

They both didn't even arrive and over 30 minutes later, I met them at the chinese place, which was fine, apart from the pouring rain and their whinging about getting a ****ing taxi when they only had like 10 more minutes to walk. Spent most of the evening making comments, more H than K, as she knows more. That upset me. Less than two hours later, they've gone!!!

Since then, apart from the rest of that evening, both are pretty much ignoring me. I should be seeing H on Wednesday and now I'm scared I'll end up rowing with her. I've known her since we were 11 and started at same school :( Now nearly 20!! We've only ever had one row and that was just epic tiredenss and emotions running really highly.

I'm being pathetic. Feels like nobody gives a **** somtimes. It's fine. Not like I'm really strugglign at the moment.

Yeah, it probably did hurt her, but when she popped it out, she wasn't exactly concious..

wow thats a lot of prereq's for ab psych laura o.O here you just need intro i think haha. what year are you?

*hugs april* yeah, i understand why u are afraid. I had a research assistant position last semester and we did interviews with psychiatric patients and i was always scared i would get triggered, or i would somehow trigger something in them. I just tried to keep covered and if i was having a bad day, i just pretended i was fine (i know thats prolly bad advice.. but idk what else ur supposed to do in the work place...) It is hard though.

*hugs helen* im sorry about the situation with your friends. Its understandable that you are upset about it. I hope u guys dont wind up arguing or anything. If u want to talk to her about it, maybe just try to calmly explain why u are upset. Maybe it'll be a better convo then u think it might be... u never know right?

Horseridinbbe - Im a junior. Only 1 1/2 semesters left until the real world! ahh! :-P
What year r u?

junior too... scary hmm? lol.

*yawn*

*huggles Helen* I'm sorry to hear about the issues with your friends. That must be really tough. Are they close friends? Also, as Laura said, maybe explain why you are upset to H... it may not be taken as poorly as you think it will. Try to be calm & reasonable - I know that you can, as you're not a flighty person. It will be hard but I think you can do it. And one question you don't have to answer if you don't want to - comments about what? (I may be being dense, & if I am, I'm sorry :-X)

*hugs Laura* Yeah, I guess that advice does work for the workplace. I don't know really what else you are supposed to do. I guess if you really can't handle whatever is happening, talk to your boss - if s/he is understanding. Otherwise, I guess just suck it up? I really don't know. I should probably talk to someone who knows about this... like my advisor or a prof or something. Hmmm. And I do agree with Heather (right?) that that is an awful lot of prereqs for abnormal psych!! :)

I'm a senior... 6th year senior to be exact... ugh. But this is my last term taking classes, then - as I said - my internship this summer, then I'll graduate in December. Woohoo!! April will enter the real world sometime soon... :) Heh. Not sure I'm ready for it, or if it's ready for me... guess we'll see.

Feel like ****. But what's new... :-X

yep its heather haha

Yey I remembered!! :P

How you doing today? *hugs*

*hugs everyone*

I feel like **** .... Can this all stop now please ??

*cuddles everyone then disappears into a dark corner to attempt to cry*

dinner :/ yuck. byes.
:(

*holds Kahlia gently* What's up, sweetie? We're here to listen & help when/where we can... feel free to talk about what's going on.

Hey guys sosrry i havent been around for a while been busy trying to get my life back after i got attacked in Inverness!

Just thought i would check in with everyone to see how you are all doing

*hugs to all *

Hiya Rainbow. *hugs back* How you doing? Attacked in Inverness? sounds like you've got a story, there. Hehe.

I just ate supper and now I want to purge... damn bulimic urges... hate feeling full. And it was a healthy supper too. :(

*hides in dark corner with her stuffed ape and tries to go to sleep*

*cuddles april*
know how you feel


have a sheep with a shirt on


and a horsey


and a cuddly bunny

^_^

*cuddles everyone*

I will think about talkijng to H, might be over it by tomorrow (as it's now Tuesday here lol).

What's new? I feel like **** and binged. Ugh fat whore that I am shouldn't have.

*cuddles everyone*

Heather, I'm sorry that you know how I feel. :( I kind of guessed that you would by your comment on supper... one sort or another of understanding, anyway. *hugs*

Helen, how you doing this morning? I'm sorry that you binged... but you're hardly a "fat whore" that you posit you are. *gentle hugs* I understand the feeling though... I mini-binged yesterday morning and hated myself for it, but ate okay the rest of the day, so did okay after all, especially with the workout. I miss Vince's coaching though. :(

Classes start today and I am not ready!!!! Not ready at all... I am scared. Thankfully today I only have 2 classes - Health Psych & Advanced Counseling Techniques - but tomorrow is going to be hell. I will be going from 12:30-9pm with only 2 mini-breaks in there of about 30 minutes each. And I totally forgot my tutoring hours this term so I had to call my supervisor yesterday... but forgot that it was a holiday, so she wasn't in her office. Stupid me!! :(

Oh well. I guess I'll survive, heh. I'm just really worried about this semester...

*hugs everyone*

I told my housemate how I've been doing and he basically said that he expected as much. We went up to the hospital and they sent us home again saying that the crisis team will follow up. I'll believe that when I see it. *sigh* Make it all go away now please ...

*disappears back into a dark corner to cry*

Aw Kahlia... *gentle cuddles* I'm sorry that you're in such a bad place right now. Wish I could do something to make it better. Why didn't the hospital do something then & there, instead of saying the crisis team would follow it up? I totally don't understand that kind of healthcare system, heh. In the States it's totally different. If you go to the ER and say that you're suicidal and are actively planning to die, you're admitted immediately to a ward. At least, that's been my experience all four times. :-X

*more hugs for Kahlia*

April - we have one psych ward with 11 beds for females, and 11 beds for males (and a wing that used to be full of beds but has been overtaken by crap) and a PICU with 8 beds. There just isn't enough beds to cope with the demand. The psychologist and nurse that interviewed me and also of the "no admission ever necessary" brigade. They told me that I wouldn't get anything out of an admission because I have insight. It really, really, f**king pisses me off.

I'm sick of having to fight for meagre halthcare. It would be so much easier now just to give in and listen to the voices and the dangerous thoughts. *gish*

You can't give in, love. I know how hard it is... trust me, I do... I can't know 100% what it's like inside your head, of course, but I know the suicidal thoughts & temptations intimately... and you are worth more than that. Please keep fighting... I would be ****ing pissed off too about the meagre healthcare... that's ridiculous... I can't believe that they haven't made more room if there's such a huge demand. Is there a different hospital you can go to?

In the meantime... what are you doing to distract yourself from the thoughts?

Good luck April :)

Kahlia, I'm so sorry *cuddles tight* Keep trying to fight those voices and bad temptations :(

OMG I have had the worst nightmares ever this morning. I'm still shaking, how pathetic please??

*cuddles Helen* Nightmares are awful things... it's not pathetic to be shaking from one still - they can be utterly terrifying. I hope that you feel better soon.

Just went to Walmart to pick up a few things, totally forgot my deodorant!!, which was the main reason I was going there... and then on the way home the EPC light came on in my car (VW Jetta) - "electronic power control" which means that I was losing control to the engine. NOT GOOD. I called my dad to see if he could take me to uni, because even though it's only about a mile & a half to there, I don't want to either drive a non-100%-functioning vehicle, or walk with a lot of books & a purse in snowy weather.

Eating my "second breakfast" now... cereal. Ugh. It's tasty but I want to purge. Of course. :(

Nightmares are definately evil. I've calmed down since then. Am uspet about something else now, think I need to dicuss it with my mum though. Since it concerns her anyway...

Eeek, doesn't sound good about your car, hope you can get it fixed/looked out without it costing too much =( Try not to purge sweetheart, it's not worth it. I know how hard it is.

I'm at uni now, trying to remember my schedule... the online schedule-y thing is down so I can't look it up there so I'm kind of adrift, which is really dumb of me. I think I have Health Psych at 1pm then Advanced Counseling Techniques at 2:30pm, but I can't remember... AHHH!!!! I swear, the ECT did my brain in...

I didn't purge... then. Or yet. I'm really hungry right now & am considering getting some lunch, but I don't know if I will be able to keep it down, so tempting to purge!! :crying:

I hope that I can get my car fixed as well...

*cuddles* Sounds like today really isnt your day so far sweet.

It really isn't. But I did get my schedule, so that's a good thing... my dad wrote it down and so now I have a copy... but I don't know my tutoring hours!! so that's really rubbish as I am pretty sure I'm supposed to tutor tomorrow & I don't know what time or what room I'm supposed to be in!!

Tomorrow's going to be a rough day - I will be going going going from 12:30pm until 9pmish with classes... am not looking forward to that. :( Night classes are not my thing.

I feel so ****.

*cuddles tight* Sorry it's not more.

*cuddles back* It's okay... nice to have some support. :) I'm glad I came back to this site.

How are you? feeling **** too?

Sorry, only just seen this. I feel shittier than ever. :S

It's okay, Helen, don't worry. *cuddles* I had to head off to class anyway... whew, the day's over & as soon as Jarrod comes to pick me up I can go home. I'm glad... ugh. I almost had an anxiety attack in my health psych class... I don't know why, probably because it sounds so difficult!!

What's going on?

And where on earth is everyone else? lol... :)

*cuddles* Time flies when you're having fun :) Anxiety attacks suck though :(

I feel so invisable...

I wasn't really having fun... heh... but at least the classes went pretty fast. Anxiety attacks do suck though, that's for sure.

Why do you feel invisible? want to talk about anything? *hugs*