hmm i feel im not sure, it weird for some reason my scares feel and look worse today. its kind of upset me. they havnt bothered me before. they look horrible. like im ashamed of them, but its all my own making. so erm.it weird tho because i never felt this way before, hmm might just curl up into a ball and hide, sorry

Vicki - Maybe you could manage to go to the doctors some other time?

HannahBanana - Thanks. *hugs* try to focus on the positive feelings you're having rather than the negative ones.

Hannah - Glad you had a nice weekend :) Hope you're week goes okay.

*Hugs Kat* I hate it when I'm having a good day and the voices try to ruin it. Just try not to let them get to you.

*Hugs Helen* I hope you're not calling yourself a **** sweetie, because you certainly are not!

*Hugs Kahlia back* How are you?

Cheryl - Hope the appointment with your CPN goes okay. If you're having any negative feelings, share them with your CPN, maybe you can work through it together.

*Hugs Shadowed* Our reactions to our scars does change quite a lot, somedays you think they're beautiful, others you just hate yourself for making them. I know I feel mixed emotions towards my scars. At the moment I'm wearing sleeves because someone pointed them out and it made me feel ashamed. Try not to dwell on it. Do something nice for yourself today.

--------

I'm way too hot, and I have to go to the Jobcentre in about twenty minutes. I don't want to go outside. I'm wearing sleeves to cover my scars and I really just want to take them off. But I have four (very shallow, barely worth registering) new cuts, and I don't want my dad to see them. So I guess I'll be wearing sleeves for the next week, even though there's going to be a heatwave.
I'm a ****ing idiot.

*hugs everyone in lovely jubbly group huggle*

Hey guys, I've been really poorly with my M.E and not been well enough to communicate on here, but I'm still very much an inpatient, wishing this was the real world, and thinking of you all lots and wishing I could take all our pain away.

I'm getting scared, I've had half of my NHS therapy sessions and other than being diagnoised with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I really don't see how I've made any progress, not that I'm too sure what I was hoping for.... to erase the rape from my mind? To switch on a button so that I like myself and feel like I have a purpose in life?!

*goes back by pot plant to give it some tlc and then have another nap*

thank you for the hug, zowie. hugs you back. your not a idiot, we all have slip ups. dont beat yourself up about it. hugs again.

can't nap, too hot and I have a headache from holding back the tears, I haven't let them flow as I don't feel that I've a good enough reason to warrent the tears, but for some reason I just feel like crying today

Secrets is back, don't have time or energy to read through posts...27 hours on feet isn't clever.

I shall look tomorrow

*leaves hugs*

No, they didn't ask why...I think they probably asumed I'd booked an earlier one cause I was down there an hour and a half before my appointment but that was for physio.
I have another appointment on Thursday (for physio related stuff) I might try again then but I don't have the strength at the moment I don't think...

*hugs to everyone* Here if you need me x

I felt really tired today. Was practically nodding off at the Jobcentre. Think it was because of the heat.
I got home and had a doze on the sofa, and then my littlest sister came right up to my face and screamed 'it's my birthday tomorrow!!'
Arrrrrrrrrrrghhhh

*huggles secrets* your poor feet!! 27hours?!! yikes

*huggles Vicki* Hope physio and other stuff go ok for you, its crappy having to keep going to medical appointments isn't it? but we have to try if we want to improve.

*huggles Arwen* gosh how many sisters have you got?! The heat has wiped me out too, which is never good when I don't have much energy to start off with.

Just been trying to distract myself uploading photos onto truprint and ordering stuff. I thought if I looked at pics and thought of happy times it would help....nope, I just wonder where that happy hayley has gone....if she was ever really there?.....

Not long now til medication and bedtime thank goodness....

*hugs zowie* the heat is knackering me out as well hope you manage to get some sleep honey

*hugs secrets* good to see you back

*hugs vicki* how you doing?

*hugs crazyhaley* sometimes we just need to cry sweetheart

Thanks for the hugs shadowed, how's you? *huggles back*

F*ck, just binged, not big binge, but still.... arrgghhhh.....not got any laxatives......i'm such a ****.....*goes out to smoking shelter*

*sprays self with nice smelling stuff so as to not stink ward out of fags*

Just taken meds.... sleep time soon thank goodness.

****ing hell

sorry for lots of posts to myself and the walls, but I need to stay distracted

Just realised what the date is.
This time 9years ago I was sooo happy.
why?
'cos I knew I was going to kill myself the following day.
Obviously as I am typing this, I ****ed that up.
I wish I hadn't.
How long can I go on struggling?
Someone told me its a choice to either be happy or sad - how we react to a situation.
Well they obviously haven't spent a day in my head!!!
I'm going to bed before I do something stupid.

Hi everyone.. I'm still here :D

Having a good time with the family but gah.. its so hard having to eat normal meals and yeah.. really not coping with that =[

*hugs everyone*

Got to have my first decent shower since the surgery yesterday. Get one every two days for the next little while. Hope everyone is doing okay. Am getting really sick of only having one arm. :(

*hugs Kahlia* I bet you are, enjoy the shower :)

*hugs Katie* glad you're having a good time, I'm also back at home and struggling with the whole shear amount of food they expect me to eat, but you are doing really well :)

*cuddles Hayley* I think that person is wrong about happy and sad,we are the fighters, fighting for happiness when life just seems to bring sadness, and we'll get there one day :) I'm glad you ****ed up and are still here, hope you slept okay.

*hugs Shadowedseraph* hope you are okay

*hugs Arwen* your little sister sounds very difficult LOL I went to the job centre yesterday as well :P

*hugs Vicki* I hope you find the strength to make another appointment

*hugs Secrets* I hope you slept well

*hugs Shadowedsoul* hope you're feeling better today

*hugs Cheryl* hope the cpn meeting went ok

*hugs Kat* hope today is going better

*hugs Helen* sorry to hear about the flashbacks hun, take care of yourself, okay?

*hugs Dayna**hugs Hannahbanana**hugs Jem**hugs Gil**hugs anyone else around*

well, I went and left my phone in a shop yesterday, had to go back at 9am this morning, nobody had found it, but I asked the shop assistant to phone it and there is was nestled in a basket of bracelets - doh - I am such a scatty bint LOL anyway I'm supposed to be working so I better get going although I don't feel bad as I don't get paid :P I want the sunshine back, the sky is dull and grey.

*hugs crazyhaley* I'm glad you f***ed up i like having you around! the person who told you we are either happy or sad is a moron we can be any number of different things :)

*hugs Kahalia* Hurrah for showers in this heat

*hugs wildilyinsane* well done for finding your phone :)

-------

I'm just unhappy, its too hot, i can't sleep, can't eat, can't be arsed. Oh well

*hugs all*

voices are bad tonight. am just trying to hold it together. wishing i could sleep but then i'd be awake in a few hours anyway with nothing to do.

*hugs Strawberry* I'm sorry your appointment was cancelled.

*hugs zowie* little sisters are there to be annoying I'm sure they must be born with a manual in how to annoy older siblings.

*hugs CrazyHayley* Don't apologise for posting, I'm glad you're still here, you will get through this. The person who said you can only be happy or sad is wrong, you can have many emotions at one time.

*hugs shadowed seraph* it is weird weather it needs to rain and be over with it then be sunny.

*hugs Big bear* am thinking of you.

*hugs Kahila*

*hugs wildly insane* thats made me smile, thanks

I'm hiding out in here today. I wish people would stop shouting at me, I don't understand why I'm not allowed to say anything back. I just want to cry but time to get on with the day

*huggles big bear* focus on the good times with family.:-) Keep trying and you'll get through this hard time with food & stuff.

*huggles Kahlia* hurrah for the progress after surgery on the showers!:thumbup: How long will you be one armed for?! Hope you're holding it together, focus on RYL and do your best to ignore the voices.

*huggles Hannah* thanks for the support and oh my goodness, how do you loose your phone in some bracelets?!:laugh: I'm glad you got it back though, I'd be panic stricken without my phone! Oh and come down to Essex if you want the sunshine, its still here in vast amounts.

*huggles shadowedseraph* thank you too for the support. Have an air condtioning unit and a nice cold drink to cool you down....(if only real life were magic like the ward :hehe: )...I hope the day improves for you.

*huggles secrets* thanks to you too for words and hugs of support. Its horrid when people shout at you but why are you not allowed to say anything back? That seems very unfair if you don't get your say :mad: ....
though I don't say anything in those type of situations as I'm normally in tears and too stunned and only think of things after the incident.

*goes round ward to give huggles to Hannahbanana, Vicki, Arwen, Alyssa, Ally, Helen, Jem and any others who are snuggled up in corners* :tongue2:


So then, my day so far hasn't been as bad as I thought it might have been. Hurrah!!:woot: Though my back has gone into spasm :cry: not so hurrah.... and so I'm doped up on lots of pain meds, so perhaps thats why things don't seem as bad?!!! :notsure:

Would leave individual replies but am too tired.
Had my interview for the access course today, I think it went well. Fingers crossed.
Catch up with you all later xxx

*big hugs to all*

How is everybody?

Hi Vicki *hugs back* I'm okay. It's my sister's birthday so people have been in and out the house a lot. Glad I'm not feeling grumpy.
My grandparents gave me a pouch of baccy for my unbirthday :D
How are you? xx

*hugs to all on the ward* Sorry im just too hot to do individual replies Hope everyone is keeping as well as is possible. I just want it all to go away *curls up in a corner and cries*

I had two dreams about this thread last night o__O. First one, Kahlia was asking what my mood was because apparently it wasn't showing, and I said it was set as 'unsafe' (o.o;;), and in the second one, this thread was deleted.

Lolwut?

*comes in to give everyone hugs, love, and a shoulder to cry on for those who need one*

I'm safe, but I need to get away from a ton of drama and stress that friends have stuck me in the middle of. Gotta take some time away before it puts me in "that place" again:notsure:

*grabs a pillow and blankie and settles down for a while*

Hey guys, how did I manage to lose my phone in bracelets? hmm who knows, I was meeting a friend so had my phone in my hand in case she phoned, I was therefore thinking to myself, must not forget phone, must not forget phone, then she turned up we went to try on some bracelets, put phone down and forgot to pick it up again - doh :P

I'm good today, have a little positive vibe running through me, don't know how long it'll hang around, but am happy it's there for the moment.

Hiya Jazz, make yourself comfy :) if you ever wanna talk we're here to listen

*hugs Dayna* how are you? dreaming about RYL huh, I wonder what that means?

*cuddles ShadowedSeraph* anything we can help with?

*hugs Arwen* my fingers are crossed for you, hope you survived your sisters birthday

*hugs Hayley* I hope the rest of your day was okay and your back isn't giving you grief any more

*hugs Secrets* hope your day got better and there was no more shouting, that sounds unfair to me.

*hugs Kahlia* hope you're okay, don't let those voices win

*hugs Vicki* are you feeling any better?

*hugs everyone else around and leaves strawberries and cream and some champagne for everyone :D*

Mum and Dad just had a fight and blamed me for the family's problems. Thought I'd be okay, but no, I was wrong...

*crawls under the covers, trembling violently*

Hannah: I'm alright, just damn boiling. My pj top is soaked through from all the ice I've stuck down it lmao. You? *Hugs*

Jazz: Ugh, that sounds really horrible, I'm sorry you're having to go through that *hugs*

*Hugs to everyone else too*

Oh huge hugs! This just reminded me of something, I was reading through an old diary before and my dad used to say the same thing. I hope your feeling better..


Me.. ugh let's not go there. I just hate this. Hate it all. So tempted to go to the shops to buy something :wow:

*hugs all*

I'm sorry for the lack of indiviual replies but typing with one hand is difficult. I am reading all and thinking of you all though.

My arm is hurting today but the nurses are due to come and give me a shower. My housemate has been really helpful, with ccooking for me and putting on my washing and stuff. I just wish I knew how long I'd be one-armed for. About another 7 weeks I think. D:

*hugs everyone*

*raises cup of tea* Here's to a speedy recovery Kahlia!

BigBear, *gigantic hugs!!!!!* retail therapy is always fun. hopefully something makes you feel better.

work was a nightmare, couldn't get mom and dad's accusations out of my head, and the customers today were incredibly impatient and cranky and I guess I got overwhelmed and dissociated. =( I "woke up" around a half hour ago (about 10:30pm my time) and had a major panic attack because I was at home in my pjs and had no idea how i got there, the last thing i remember was i was giving a particularly cranky man his change...

I'm not quite sure how i'm feeling right now. scared? depressed? anxious? nothing feels quite right.

I feel like I've been attacked by a staple gun ... and my shoulder looks like it as well.

The biggest problem I'm facing is the voices. They are being particularly troublesome and loud. My housemate gave me an olanzapine which has helped me to settle them down a little. I either need PRN anti-psychotic medications or a change in the base drug.

*leaves hugs for all*

*more hugs to Kahlia* that's really too bad love. I hope it works out really soon.

my clean streak's ruined. I broke down, couldn't take it. I feel soooooo guilty, it's not even funny. I feel like I have to punish myself by either not cleaning it or by pouring something like rubbing alcohol in it to make it burn more...i know it's not smart, but i feel like i deserve it...

i'm feeling so many emotions right now, that i'm starting to get sick to my stomach and my head feels light and spinny...

argh!!!!! the wanting to cut has come back x100. its getting hard to resist it. not good, i just feel so overwelmed and completely lost. i just want to curl up and hide, but i cant. argh!!!! somebody just shoot me now. please =[

i won't shoot you, but i'm happy to hug you shadowedsoul *hugs x99 million* do something to distract yourself from the thought of cutting. watch a movie, draw a picture, hug a stuffed animal, something non-destructive. *wraps ss in a soft, warm blanket and hands a cup of soothing herbal tea* feel better love

*Hugs Seraph* I don't want you to go away...

Dayna - Those dreams sound weird. I just woke up after a dream I was in the hotel from The Shining. Very scary :/

*Hugs Katie* I hope you can fight the urges sweetie, thinking of you.

*Hugs Kahlia* Hope your arm feels better soon. Voices can be a real pain in the ass, are you able to arrange a meds review soon?

*Hugs Jazz* I'm sorry you're parents have caused you to feel so bad. At least when you 'blanked out' you managed to get home alright. Don't worry too much about slipping up, it happens. I really suggest you don't do anything to aggravate the wound, try to let it heal so you can get on with your clean streak.

*Hugs shadowed* I agree with Jazz, try to distract yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but sometimes the urges don't actually last very long. You can hide here in the ward, the denial tent is good for hiding.

--------

The voices have been in and out since I woke up. But because I'm so hot, when they speak to me I feel 10X more stressed. Arrrgghh.
Listening to classical music radio to try and keep me mellow.
*Retreats to smoking shelter* I think I'll stay out here today.

I bought it. I bought a blade. Saw a movie. Had a good time. Went to my old youth group. Almost broke down. Had a bad panic attack. Then my friend ditched me. She took me home though. Want to talk someone. Need to talk to him. *cries* I need him.

*Hugs Katie* I'm here to talk if you need to xx

Thanks Arwen. Just a mess at the moment :( I was only thinking today how the anxiety has been pretty good since I've been 'home', but tonight.. oh my. Not good. I really want to ring him actually. But I've already sent a message. I don't want to sound obsessive or annoying. I mean, I have a BOYFRIEND. I just.. so confused. Weighed myself too.. lost weight. Hmm.

I hope your ok *hugs*

Try to remember that the anxiety has been good lately, so it will probably stay that way after this blip.
Is it really a good idea to talk to him while you have a boyfriend? What if it confuses you more?
I'm okay thanks. Just way too hot. I know I sound like a broken record, but I'm going to complain about it until autumn :P
xxx

Sorry love, got to log off now. Have eaten too much and need to lie down.
Really should exercise it off, but I'm feeling too low to do anything but snooze.
Take care xxx

LOL complain all you want :P I'd gladly share the cold if you want :P

yeah, your probably right. He's actually overseas. Chances of anything happening is next to nil. Really. I just wanted to talk to him, have a nice chat like the good old days ay? We used to chat SO much. Then we kinda went our seperate ways and he went out with some.. girl (won't go into that).. and now we've only just recently chatted again. It's been nice really. I'm just confused about everything. Ugh. Might be an idea if I go to bed early.. but I don't want to. I want to do something :crying: I've thought about what to do :crying: I dont know. I don't know what to do :crying:

*hugs katie, zowie, jazz and shadowed*

My head hurts too much to reply individually. Sorry

That's ok Secrets. Thanks for the hugs. Hope your head stops hurting *hugs*

sorry for no replies but hugs to everyone. things are just going from bad to worse things arent getting better so i give up. i know uwat u r all thinking im sorry

Oops, only saw that just now. Take care of yourself ok? Thanks for chatting anyway. *hugs*

Cheryl- *huge hugs* I'm sorry things arent good at the moment.. please try to hang in there x

*hugs to all*

zowie - i hate this weather too :P i'm english im meant for the cold and wet! *hugs*

*hugs BigBear* hope your feeling a little better now

*hugs Secrets* hope your doing better

*hugs cheryl* take care of yourself sweetie

*takes up position nearest to the fan and eats ice cubes*

Katie - I used to chat all the time with my ex, and then he decided to start going out with a girl (that I'm sure he cheated on me with) and has been ignoring me since February. I think sometimes we should just leave these people in the past.

*Hugs Secrets back* Hope your head feels better.

*Hugs Cheryl* What do you think we're all thinking? All I'm thinking is that I hope you're okay and that you manage to get through this.

-----

I'm glad it's cooled down a bit :)
I've got close friends coming over tomorrow which I'm looking forward to. Feeling really fat at the moment, want to purge but my dad would realise and be disappointed.
xxx