wow - I've just read the 7pages of posts that I've missed since thursday night... far too mnay to reply too - sorry guys. *huggles you all so tightly*

Oh and thanks for the info on ED stuff that I can't post, I have read the stickies on forums rules etc when I joined, but I've not been in the ED forum before, so missed it. I think I should possibly go back and re-read all the stickies so that I don't break any rules...I freak out when I break rules, I'm such a goodie-two-shoes, but I really can't cope with breaking rules....even though I often encourage people to do exactly that, but somehow deep down, no matter how much I may disagree with a rule, I don't want to break it as I don't ever want to be 'wrong'. Does that even make sense?!

hmmm, not sure how I'm feeling, my mood seems to be shifting every 5mins or so - it's PMDD time again. I'm going to update my journal I think....

*toddles off to smoking shelter to ponder on journal entry*

lol no worries hayley. I never go in the ED forum either...(too afraid of getting really triggered) thus why I didn't know till a month or 2 ago. :)

I've finger ache after typing my journal entry and I never even got round to typing what it was that I really need to say....I will do it after dinner and fag and a finger break! ooh and some caffiene to keep me going a few more hours til bedtime.

oooooo! I know so many of you are really struggling right now, so I don't want you thinking this is a 'rub your noses in it' type of thing, its not, its to give you hope...I hope, anyhoo, I just wanted to share that yesterday was my 9months SH free anniversary! I've NEVER achieved that before since I started in June 1998! So its taken nearly 12years, so please those of you at X amount of years, don't give up, please don't give up. I don't want you struggling for another X amount of years to make it to 12, hopefully it'll be far less, but if thats what it takes, then please hang on in there, don't give up the fight. *GROUP HUGGLE* and chant together..."IT CAN'T RAIN ALL THE TIME"

Thanks. I suposse I do have a problem with food/weight. Nothing's been done about it. I've not spoken to anyone about it except my best friends, couple friends & my sisters I geuss. Thanks for thinking I'm pretty, but hey. YAY for job interview too, it's for a company who own a chain of clothes shops, if I'm right. :D Not sure exactly what the job is opps :P I wish you could all be there for me IRL. Would be awesome to have fun together, esp if the whole ward could meet up. But sadly it costs so much money and stuff as you said :(

*hugs Nicole* Thank you sweetie :) It's for a company who own a chain of clothes shops, if I'm right. :D

Congratulations Hayley =D I'm over a month free =D

*cuddles hayley and throw confetti* great job on 9 months free!

*throws more confetti for helen being over a month free and getting a job interview*

*cuddles april* im glad you got 10 pages of ur paper finished. Im sure its great. If you are worried have someone look over it like helen suggested.

*hugs mark* privacy is nice sometimes... Hope that you managed to stay safe. A relaxing movie sounds like a good idea.

*hugs crimson* Good job on making it thru the weekend and getting all ur work done! Keep it up! :-)

Wow i feel like i just did a lot of congratulating lol.

I wish that i had reason to throw some confetti for myself... but alas, everything is the same with me... wanting to disappear and whatnot... Im trying not to. I really am.. but i just feel like i'm going more and more into hiding about what is going on..
Im also soaked since I didnt bring an umbrella with me this morning as it was sunny and warm. O well, i don't mind the rain so much.. I kinda like it actually, especially if it thunders :-)

*huggles Laura* ooh you say the word 'alas' too! People laugh at me when I say that, but seeing you type it just made me smile through the confetti! You're braver than me with thunder - it makes me go and grab my teddy bear! I'm not very good at being a brave grown up! As long as I don't ever babysit during a thunder storm I'm sure no one minds too much though.

*toddles out to smoking shelter - fag after dinner is always fab*

I Love Thunderstorms =D

Hayley I use alas and albeit lol
Thanks for the grats Laura :)

I updated my r/v a bit... not everything from the weekend but the parts that irked me the most-est...

Gonna wander off now and do some archiving work... *wants to run away and hide*

*hugs hayley* hahaha i dont think i actually say alas out loud when i talk, but i use it a lot when i type.. idk why lol. Its a good word tho :-)

*cuddles helen*

*hugs crimson* albeit is a good word too! lol i should start using that more often.

No thunder here, its sunny again...too bad i guess.. apparently it was just a freak rainstorm. Too bad that i had to be outside during it.

how odd... i just found a bruise on my wrist... I have no idea where it came from... it isn't even sore. i didn't notice it till i was putting on lotion and pulled up my sleeve... *shakes head* i am such a klutz sometimes...

*cuddles everyone*

Ooh I say albeit, though not as often as I say alas. My most used word that causes giggles is "Gosh" and the phrase that makes people chuckle is "whoops a daisy!" you have to understand that the area that I come from in Essex those words/phrases just are not used. I am looked upon as quirky and bizarrely talking out of place! My partner chuckles though when in one scentence I may use all of my quirky words and then I'll accidently walk into the doorframe and say (excuse my language) "oh ****ing bollocks, the bloody shitty door frame attacked me again - bastard!"

I've finished updating my journal. So I'm pleased I've done something worthwhile today. I think I'm going to have an early night with a book though as my eyes have had enough of the glare off of my laptop. I hope that everyone has a good and safe day/evening/night where ever you are. You'll all be in my thoughts and prayers hoping for brighter days and continued strength.

*goes round the ward, including all the dark corners and hiding places, to give everyone an extra special personal huggle*

*gets teddy bear, just incase of thunder, and snuggles down in a random spot of the ward that looks rather comfy*

actually the word i use that gets the oddest looks and laughs is actually (pardon the language) asshat lol but i mean really some people just are. you know the ones... they act like they actually do have their head up their bum. people up here don't understand it though and i have to explain it lol

Sleep well Hayley xxxxxxx

Wow, lots of posts...

*cuddles Mark* I'm sure that you aren't disgusting, sorry you feel that way, though. I understand... at least, as much as I can!! :) Curling up with a DVD or a book or something sounds pleasant... can I join you? hehe.

*cuddles Hels* I think that a lot of girls/women have difficulty with food/weight/etc... it's pretty sad if you think about it, all of those lovely people out there struggling with their body images. :( At least, it makes me sad. I don't know, I wish there were something I could do about it - that's why originally I wanted to go into the field of eating disorders, working as a therapist at somewhere like Well of Grace or Mercy Ministries or Remuda Ranch... but now I don't know. I think I'd be too triggered. The job sounds really cool, the one you might be getting... what type of clothing? and how do you keep getting these random job interviews? :P lol. Sorry if that sounded condemning or something... :-S *more cuddles* Congrats on being over a month free... that's more than I can say for myself. :(

*squishes Laura* Well, all I can say is, please don't disappear from here, okay? :) We love you here. And you are a sweet, lovely person... so there. ;) How're you doing tonight?? Oh, and I love thunderstorms too. :)

*cuddles Hayley* Sleep well, pleasant dreams. I say AND write "albeit" as well as "aforementioned." My hubby says "Egad" all the time... lol... makes me smile sometimes. Sometimes it's just downright annoying, but oh well. Hehe. :) Oh, and congrats on being 9 months free!! :D

I love "asshat," Crimson - makes perfect sense to me. *cuddles* I'll read your r/v in a bit, once I get a bit of other stuff squared away. :) (Why don't people ever say "circled" or "triangled" away? hmmm...) How're you doing now?

There, I think I got everyone... sorry if I missed someone, am not great at catching everyone when there's been so many posts, even if it is just on one page!!

I'm so tired. But when I got home at 5:30, Jarrod had candles lit in the bathroom and bathwater drawn with moisturizing beads in... and a white hot chocolate just as he promised!! :D So that was really sweet of him... I enjoyed the bath although my hair got tangled, it's so long... he's trying to help me relax because the past 48 hours have been so stressful for me, trying to get that paper written. :-S I handed it in today, 13 pages, even though the abstract and another part were missing. GRRRRR. Oh well. That was short, too, for what he expected (15-20 pages). But it will be longer with the other part (case studies)... yeah.

So I'm doing alright. :) Still feeling crappy but not too terribly awful... just wishing that I were dead, still, but the SI urges are taking over the suicidal urges, which I guess is "good"... :-S I don't know. I still don't want to be here.

*more cuddles for all*

*cuddles April* I think you're right & it's pretty sad really :( It's even sadder when it becomes a problem, if you get me :S Well into an ED. My best friends think I'm gaining one =/ =/ It's heartbreaking watching one of my best friends struggle with it. Am so scared she'll die from it :'( She's so fed up of it. Maybe one day you could go into that field or help out in a way that won't trigger you? *squishes*

It does sound really cool I suposse. We shall soon see. It's all types of clothing? =P Nothing specific really. I don't see them as random? Maybe I'm wrong. This is the third one I've had all year and I must have applied for 20-30 jobs by now? *more cuddles*

Thanks for the congratulations. Right now I sort of wish I wasn't over a month free. I want to cut so ****ing much but I'm still somehow not doing it? I think having thrown out my blades has made it a harder task in a good way :/

That sounds lovely what Jarrod did, you deserved it babe. *cuddles again*

I keep listening to this song about miscarriage :'( I really should stop. I can't stop thinking about mine. It'll be six years on Sunday. Well I'm pretty sure that was the date :/ It's still all stupidly patchy at times. I just struggle so much. I repressed it until about last year. I'd repressed other stuff but that had mostly come out. It's still so hard. I'm having to deal with all of it in one go & still deal with it six years (nearly) on, if that even ****ing makes sense?? :'(

*huggles April*
Glad you got you paper written and turned in. Should help you destress a little at least. And I'm envious of your Jarrod... David has never set all that up for me. *pouts* Maybe I'll tell him about your night in the hopes he'll get the hint lol
I'm doing ok. Kinda anxious about my food budget for the house but I have a plan so it should be ok. Didn't get to get my yogurt maker yet but I will get it soon. I'm gonna start doing a better monthly budget and just not count MIL paying us for either of her bills on our credit cards... the presumption she's gonna actually pay her own bills is whats hurting our budget most these days... I think if I just acted like it was a bill of my own and my job my only income it'll be less stressful to me. *crosses fingers*

*hugs crimson* i like asshat as well lol. And I am a giant klutz sometimes too.. and i always drop thing.. although half the time i wind up catching them.. ppl laugh at me because of it lol.

*hugs helen* how r u doing? im sorry about ur miscarriage... that must be awful to deal with.

*cuddles hayley* hope you sleep well!

*cuddles april* yay im happy for u that uve turned in ur paper. Its okay that its a little short. Sounds like ur hubby was really sweet after all the stress u've been under.

Don't worry, i wont disappear for real.. I'm always fine.. right? right... Just more things to deal with in life, and i know my life isnt that bad especially in comparison to some, so i should just deal.

Its thundering again :-)

Laura, you are definitely not disappearing. We won't let you. Nor is April!!! I'm not doing so well, as you've probably gathered from my whining posts. It is so hard to deal with. I'm scared that one of my best friends won't be around for me on Sunday, selfish really as she's struggling. Need to mention it, but waiting to see how she goes during the week. Might just spit it out somehow by the end of the week...

16 hours exactly until my interview. Crap :P