I think it's about time for me to go to bed xx

*leaves hugs for all*

I'm feeling tired but not feeling tired if that makes sense.

Makes perfect sense to me xxx

Thanks Helen

*leaves hugs for all* Im sorry everyone seems to be struggling.

*wanders off to the denial tent*

I wish people would stop congratulating me for coping so 'well' while my housemate's in hospital. Because it's all lies. I feel the urge to take another OD.

I'm starving myself today. I don't want to eat. Two big bottles of beer as well in the fridge, so tht + empty stomach = hopefully drunk. Woo

I have nothing to do tonight. And I want something to do.
My sister invited me to a party at her place, but because it's her flatmate throwing it I'm worried *he* will be there with his new girlfriend...

I'm backkkkkkk.
*crawls in and collapses and cries*

Hi Alexx honey.

*leaves hugs for Kahlia and almost everyone who remembers her and cookies and hugs for everyone who doesn't*

Can't believe I am back here. I just need somebody to recognise I exist because right now...I am really hurting. I told the doctors at a+e on tuesday that I didn't need to stay in, that I would be fine. And I probably will be but it doesn't change the fact that right now, I have been released from day hospital to absolutely no support. I went IP for a month in Feb/March and then to day patient and now I am alone. No CPN/therapy for 'several weeks/late Autumn'. I structured the last week, or at least I tried to and it completely exhausted me. How am I supposed to recover enough to go back to uni in October with no support? Just sat here crying.

Druuuuuuuuunk.

Anybodu ever get the urge to depress themselvew further when they're already feeling like ass? COs I have that atm x_O

*Hugs Alexx* Nice to see you again hun. What's up *hands you some tissues*

*Hugs Emma* It's unbelievable that they would leave you with no support when you're struggling. The services are really ****. Is there no way you could ask for a bit of support? Why isn't your CPN seeing you until late autumn?

*Hugs Dayna* Yeah, I get that. Usually when I'm drinking on my own I listen to depressing music even though originally I was feeling pretty good. Hope you managed to stay safe sweetie, and got some sleep.

----

I have a bad cough. Not as bad as ones I've had before, but my throat really hurts. I completely blame myself for chain smoking, I know I shouldn't but I just can't help it.
I also feel really gross as I haven't had a bath for quite a few days. If I can find the energy I'll have one this morning...

*Leaves hugs*
Back later
xxx

*leaves hugs for all*

I'm really struggling right now and am at a loss of where to turn. If I have more time later I'll do individual replies.

*hugs all with especially big hugs for Emma*

I got my cast off today and got given a new sling because the doctor saw the holes in the last one. Tomorrow I have orthopaedic clinic for my shoulder. And Friday I have to go to physio for my hand. I'm back to touch typing again although a little slower as my hand is getting used to not being in the cast.

*hugs Emma* thats unbelivable, is there no way you can get support sooner?

*hugs to everyone else on the ward in the denial tent or smoking shelter*

i feel cr*p which is a step up lol when does this all stop and normal appear? *cries*

I feel really ill :(

Heyyyy guys.
It's just been so incrediblly **** right now.
I lost my job...and my boyfriend and had a massive row with my family and nearly got kicked out and...AND....got put on anti-depressants again....with in the space of 2 weeks. Boyfriend and job on the same day :|
It annoys me how you think you find someone really nice and he's like "aww...this'll last...you mean the world to me" and he lets you dream all the things that depression/paranoia says you'll never have....and then....one day you get home and he's like "im breaking up with you" with a completely lame reason...and then a week later he's with someone else.

I just dont understand and its making me feel like I'm so worthless. I lie awake at night tossing and turning and crying myself to sleep. I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders...and right now...I feel fine....but I know its because Im on anti-depressants and inside I'm NOT fine. Stupid stupid life.
I've not eaten properly for days. I've not slept properly for days. Why are people so cruel?

*Hugs Alexx*
I've gone through a similar thing. I was with someone for almost three years, and then out of the blue he told me he wanted to go on a break because I'd put on weight and needed to sort my head out. He promised we wouldn't see other people and that it wouldn't only last the summer. It's been a year and he's got a girlfriend.
People can be so cruel, and they can really **** with your head and your heart. But the important thing is to remind yourself that they aren't good enough for you. If he's got no problem treating you that way, you're so so much better off without him. Honestly.
xxx

*hugs Alexx* If he can be like that then i agree with zowie, he's not worth it. Which doesnt help much at the moment i know but keep trying to say it to yourself.

*hugs zowie* men can be wan*ers

*sigh*
Stupid boy.
I really want to hate him....but I like him so much :(

*cuddles Alexx* i know that feeling rather well and it hurts *cuddles more*

*hugs Kahlia* yay for getting the cast off. Hope physio helps things move a bit quicker.

*hugs shadowed seraph tightly*

*hugs zowie* feeling ill's not fun, maybe have a nap?

*hugs VoiceofReason* I agree with the others, you're better off without him.

I really really cant do this. Slopes back off to the denial tent for a little while longer

really struggling but home 2morrow but they r expecting this holiday to have helped. argh then my ot leaves me and im bk to square one. brought more pillls out here i know i shudnt of but oh well. dont even know what is happening with my cmht when i get bk cus she had swine flu before i came away and she plans to dischrage me on weds so i dont know wats happening. gd thing is got a gd tan lol but my mood is pretty shitty still and im just snapping at the family and making life difficult for them i hate being like this. sobs cnt do this

Sorry to hear everyone is struggling right now.

*big hugs for all*

Ugh. Maybe I have swine flu, I'm going to have a look on the nhs website at the symptoms...

Happy birthday, Jade. I miss you.

On an unrelated note: UGHHH

I need a drink. I shouldn't, since I'm ill, but I need something to cheer me up. xxx

hmmmmm. I dunno what to do with myself.
*stupid dance*
This isnt even real happiness. This is happiness that is small and white and sugar coated...washed down with water or wine.
grrr. *shakes fist*
I wish I could have a cuddle.
I really need to stop looking at his profile...everytime I see "in a relationship with" i feel alittle bit more dead inside.
He told her he loved her after two days....he wrote on his wall that she's "a keeper". that should be me!!
I dont want to be alone.
Everything is falling apart.

*roams around* no one is here :'(
helllloooooooo?
*bakes a million batches of cookies*

*leaves everyone hugs*

I woke with my wrist in pain this morning and have done my exercises as recommended by the physio. I just hope that the pain stops. I go to see the orthopaedic surgeon in a couple of hours and am hoping that goes well.

Wish me luck!!

Why am I drinking again? Oh yeah, because I'm stupid.

*hugs Arwen* ~ You aren't stupid ... it's a coping mechanism. Or at least it seems that way from reading your previous posts so please forgive me if I am wrong.

I think you're right Kahlia :( I love drinking, but I love drinking with people. These days I just seem to be drinking on my own until stupid o clock. xx

*hugs Arwen*

I had my orthopaedic check up and I have permission to move my shoulder a little bit but to stop at the point of pain. No physio yet. My thumb and wrist are killing me at the moment but I've just taken some pain meds to try and get rid of that.

*leaves hugs for all*

*hugs everyone loads and loads*

*hugs Helen*

My wrist is still killing me. But on the bright side the bone is healing nicely.

*leaves hugs and cuddles for all*

Ouch, sounds painful honey :(

Have slept most of today lol. Feeling ill again, boo :( Feeling low on top of that. Oh well. Trying to ignore the urges to do a thing or two (Y)

*still hiding in the denial tent, rocking back and forth*

I'm really ill.
I hate it.

I slept til 2pm today :|
Then I got up....went to get some money for my mum...cried...and went back to bed.
I'm sick of feeling worthless. Im sick of not being able to believe people who say I'm kinda pretty. I'm not pretty. At all. GRRR
*hides in denial tent*

*hugs zowie* feel better
*hugs voice of reason* You are not worthless!

o man.... I suck.
*brushes by everything else going on and goes straight to the denial tent*

I feel it. I seem to ruin everything good in my life. I'm lonely. I want to be loved :/

I just realised....I sound very selfish too :(
*hugs to everyone*

*squishes Alexx lots and lots*

*is squished and hugs Helen very very tight*
Im not letting go. I need hugs

We'll squish and hold for as long as you want *holds tight*

I still need to take my meds...
I cant...get...up..

Pft. Meds. I can't be ****ed with mine. The Goddamn packet has gone walkabouts, it's not where I usually keep it, and I can't find it at all, so whatever. I'll just stop taking them

I think I just had a close escape. Tried to take another OD, kept choking on the pills. Got scabby taste in my mouth now, BLEUCH

Please be careful Dayna. I am glad you kept choking, although I know how gross that taste is. Could you call anyone? The crisis team?

*hugs all*

Sorry no individual replies but there's been a lot going on since I was in here last.

I'm okay - just had my lithium upped and there's still room for more increase if necessary. Who needs a psychiatrist when you have a brilliant GP ??

doing worse. pain's so bad that they've been just knocking me out because the max dose of painkillers has hardly helped. i'm usually only awake long enough for more tests to be done, but right now they're timing how long the pain meds will be effective, it's been ten minutes and i'm already feeling them wear off.

I miss you all, but i'm in really rough shape so may only be online once every few days.

love you lots and lots, forever and ever *hugs and love for all*