I'm back...Off my meds. But...obsessive compulsive
I'm Meg. I've not been here for a long time and it's been about 7/8 years since I was here on a regular basis.
I want to super briefly explain my past situation so you can understand where my head is at now...
I had an awful time as a child resulting in my mental illnesses and self destructive behaviours. Lots of acute ward admissions, a private hospital in London, acute cycles again and finally another private hospital where I was a patient for 4 and a half years.
From hospital I went to live with my carer (like a fostering of vulnerable adults kind of organization) in a new part of the country where I'd never been before. There were so many challenges because I was a bit institutionalised and didn't know a thing about normal, healthy relationships. I didn't know what my role was in this big world.
Anyway, I embraced every challenge- even if through gritted teeth and after just 18 months (!) I moved into my own house alone. I've lived here for two years. I love it.
I just receive day support now, I work on days when I'm not too dissociated (permitted work), still have mental health team.
Well...I came off all of my medication around 7 months ago.
I'd been consistently on meds since age 16. It was "against medical advice" but i think they have to say that. Especially given my history. But I'd done SO well and achieved more than i thought possible. I wanted to see what my adult brain could do without them. I took my last dose at the end of May this year.
My emotions were...WOW...for a little while at first and then they stopped being up and down so regularly
I started having to check things extra times and touching things. Example, f I check things and switch off on the kitchen but have to run back in to get my drink off the side I have to check everything all over again. I have to keep checking my front door incase I wasn't concentrating enough when I checked before.
My spiritual healing journey has been a massive part of my recovery but over the last 3/4 month's The Stupid got it's claws into that, too.
Reading into every.single.thing - "Oh, there's a squirrel. What does that mean? What's the sign/message?". Obsessing over not being psychically protected enough to do activities.
I get so worried about negative energy contamination. Like, people who I feel have bad energy touching me or my things or bringing things into the house (gifts like clothes, ornaments, etc).
I get scared more so at night thinking that not-so-nice messengers of the universe are in my house.
Aaand the newest thing is that i'm petrified I'm going to hurt my dog (I'll leave it that brief) so I have to make her understand that I love her. I have to say it over and over and over again until I know that she believes me.
It's hard and takes hours to get to bed and then it's really difficult to fall asleep even though I'm tired.
Why am I posting all of this?
I haven't wanted to tell anyone what's been going on. I was so, so proud of myself for getting to a place where I wanted to come off meds and then actually doing it.
I wanted to prove the "against medical advice" guy wrong.
People have started to get a sense of something. I've been sleeping through my alarm and missing trains, appointments and my support with carers. I'm more clumsy. I've been declining a lot of invitations.
I've decided I want to speak up and get support. Perhaps I will tell one of my carers and my CPN. I've got both tomorrow. Posting here first makes it easier to express outside of myself.
I'm just really worried that they will want me back on meds because that's easier instead of offering alternatives
I was diagnosed with OCD until 5 years ago (similar but not the same behaviours) and then it was put down to a response to the trauma and taken off record.
I really feel like coming off meds has lead to these behaviours again.
I don't know if all of this would warrent a diagnosis again.
I don't even know if these experiences that I am having will qualify for help or not. I feel like they should because of how tired and emotional they make me but I'm not sure.
So, the main reason for my post is because it will make it easier to tell someone in real life after this but please comment if you can with your own similar experiences or some reassurance or advice/knowledge.
Stay brave M x
It sounds like you have been through a lot and are clearly a tough cookie!
It is a great achievement to have coped without medication as well as you have. I am sorry that your ocd has started to flare up. I think it would be a good idea to speak to someone about it, it is probably not going to go away by wishing it away. They will find out eventually why not do it on your terms and before things are put of hand.
I have you had any therapeutic support for your ocd? Even if you have to go back on medication to get things back under control that's not to say they have to be a long term strategy.
I hope you can speak to the people involved in your care and find a solution that suits you. You are doing so well, I'm sorry things have been hard recently. Given all you've come through I think you can get through this too. Take care.
Thank you all so much for your support and advice and understanding. Especially for reminding me to not be so self critical. I needed to hear that because it just goes out of your head doesn't it when you are in a bit of fog?!
I sat with my CPN and went through things. She was very reassuring. I had to keep telling myself that she wasn't just saying those things to be nice/polite.
I've told her that I want to try alternatives to medication. She said the doctors might want me to take meds and have some therapy at the same time. I said I'd be open to discuss things as long as they know they can't just try the quick fix medication thing with me.
For me, personally, medication has helped to numb/mask/dull things so they're not as painful but it never solved the problem. Therapy did that. So I'm not going on meds without therapy because when I stop the meds the problem will be waiting to pop up again and... no. I want to do this properly so I can be content.
My CPN did just get me several days worth of Diazepam which I don't mind at all. And she has gone away to discuss with the team who they think is the best doctor to work with me on this one. She will get me an appoint to speak to them asap and then we'll discuss and decide what to do about all of this.
Tonight is one of my better nights recently :)
Thank you again, each of you M x
That sounds really great. I'm glad you managed to speak to your CPN and I hope the doctor who works with you is helpful and listens to what you want and need.
Posting mainly to check in with myself because I'm super good at putting earphones in and listening to music to avoid instead of acknowledging what's going on and checking in.
I had my psychology screening on Monday. I wasn't that nervous about it really but when I was sat in the waiting room I felt a bit sick and then when I was sat in the room talking to the doctor I cried a couple of times.
I think I'm crying so much just out of pure exhaustion but I've got to give myself credit because I'm still somehow going out there and doing what I need to do and just pushing through and then having a big cry in the bath when I get home and then being really kind to myself and gentle with myself as much as I can like allowing myself yo feel vulnerable with my comfort items and nice hot drinks and my favourite food and telling myself it will be ok.
The psychiatrist told me straight away that they want to offer me some therapy but he wants to go away and speak to his colleagues to discuss what the best kind of therapy is for me. He was really nice and so was the otjer guy who was sat in with him who was a new psychologist to the team and I'd said it was fine for him to sit in. They were both so kind and said that I was very articulate and they could tell I was a determined person which was very reassuring.
I've just got to wait for a letter within the next couple of weeks now to fond out what they are going to offer and will then be on a 3 to 4 month waiting list for the therapy which is ok because I'm just so grateful
I'm very proud of you, and you should be too. It is incredibly difficult to get to this point in recovery. Incredibly.
Half hearting therapy is a waste of time for everyone, but a lot of people (including me) find it keeps them alive. Coming to the realisation that confronting the root of the problem is the only way back to a healthy life is so hard, and takes an immense amount of bravery.
Whatever therapy they decide for you, it is important you be open and honest with your workers. My advice would be to keep a diary of your thoughts and feelings which you can consult at the start of the session and talk through together. This can be helpful for you to review and notice trends in your behaviours/thoughts, and for the therapist to look for additional meanings and strategies. (Plus if you're like me, you'll forget what you wanted to say and it's help to have a written prompt so you cover everything you need to).
Keep going. This is the final push and it may be the hardest. But
you will succeed if you continue to maintain this attitude.
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