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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

Unbreakable. 16-10-2018 11:11 PM

That is quite a lot to have to deal with on top of your physical and mental health.

Your work is horrible, f*ck them for apparently not caring about your well being and having you make up for other people slacking off.

It must be anxiety inducing to have something wrong with your eyes and your head, I hope they will find out what causes it and be able to treat it.

Are there any friends or family that would be able and willing to help you out with a bit of money just so you can get by until pay day?

chinahorse 17-10-2018 12:10 AM

Mum will help. I found 5 and I have a lot of food so will be ok.

Work problem is mainly manager and assistant managwr problem.

I feel better on aripiprazole as well as sertraline but still can't cope with life. Can't be ok. I am sad. Everything stays the same. And I'm fed up of life.

chinahorse 18-10-2018 07:55 PM

I'm achingly sad again. It never gets better.

one_step_closer 19-10-2018 04:16 PM

I know that ache. *hugs if ok*

It's good that aripiprazole and setraline seem to be doing something for you at least. That could mean that other things could improve. I know that in the moment when you feel awful it's hard to see anything else though and I know that you do have a really hard time of things. Do you think anything at all is better than in the past, even from a very long time ago? I'm glad you know you're not alone but I understand how you can still feel alone. Please reach out to anyone that you can. I hope you can find some way to even feel a little bit better.

tamobhuuta 19-10-2018 05:07 PM

Lots of love.

chinahorse 19-10-2018 07:39 PM

I'm sat crying. I'm sad. I hurt in every way.

Things are better in some ways and a lot lot worse in others. But in net terms I still feel lost and broken.

I feel like I don't matter unless I self harm. But I don't have the energy to move.

I'm really hurting.

Unbreakable. 21-10-2018 02:34 AM

*cuddles gently*

You do matter to me <3

Please be gentle with yourself, causing more damage to your body will not improve your situation. I hope you can manage to stay safe.

I love you so much <3

chinahorse 21-10-2018 11:14 AM

Thank you <3 you too.

I have ended up self harming recently. I hate it. I can see the damage but it's not enough. I know this is how it will start to spiral and very quickly. I don't know how to step out of this life of self harm.

I am very stuck. I've lost control in a lot of aspects. Money and health for certain. How do I get back into caring enough to regain control?

chinahorse 21-10-2018 02:12 PM

I feel so shit and I need that to be heard. I know many have it worse but I feel awful :-(

nonperson 21-10-2018 02:19 PM

I hear you. =/

chinahorse 21-10-2018 09:47 PM

Thank you <3

I want to self destruct and then sleep until I die. I feel horrible. And I cant explain it. Hopeless void.

chinahorse 22-10-2018 07:43 PM

I am anxious and in pain and want to crawl out my own skin and I can't keep doing this. I can't. I'm cracking.

Buttons. 23-10-2018 09:03 AM

*hugs gently*

Unbreakable. 24-10-2018 02:32 PM

When is your CPN seeing you next? I think she is on leave atm?

Have you been offered anything other than painkiller to manage your pain?

Is there a way to work part time rather than fulltime?
I know money plays into it, but maybe you can discuss with your parents if they can support you for a bit because, quite frankly, it is very obvious that you can't continue to work so many hours for the time being.

I think that despite the hassle and effort you need to look into getting disability another time. I understand it is very demanding and hard to jump through their hoops and fight what you clearly need to just live. But is it really worse and scarier than the thought of continuing the way things are right now?

chinahorse 24-10-2018 10:25 PM

Cpn was off last week.
Saw her yesterday. 2 weeks ago they had meeting. Said nothing other than needed meeting with therapist present. That's happening on the 30th I think. Said I don't want anyone to contact me unless they have news.

I've put in a complaint. It's been many months and no treatment.

I'm under the pain clinic who have done and said nothing. Literally nothing. I'm not having too high expectations here. Had to cancel last appointment at short notice due to eye head emergency situation.

I have to work. I want to work less but I have sommittments and responsibilities and obligations. I'm 27. Not asking parents for money.

I can't go through being told I'm a fraud by disability assessors.

Its hopeless. There's not a way forward. And my anxiety is sky rocketing. Anxious and sad.

chinahorse 29-10-2018 08:20 PM

I can't keep doing this. I can't. Guys I can't.

tamobhuuta 30-10-2018 11:25 AM

*hugs* is the meeting today? You can keep going, it's hard but you can.

chinahorse 30-10-2018 06:55 PM

Don't know then it is. Don't really care. Everything is shit. Everything.

Aubergine 01-11-2018 11:05 PM

Hey Lillie. How're things?

chinahorse 02-11-2018 08:36 AM

Hey love. Things are rough. I'm sort of managing to function enough to go to work and not much else.

I think it's because I feel so worthless and everything feels pointless. Doesn't help that I have a cold which makes the fibromyalgia worse.

Trying to keep wading forwards but you know when you feel you've done as much as you can?

Thank you for thinking of me. X

Buttons. 02-11-2018 09:03 AM

Hope your cold gets better soon lovely.

Eska 02-11-2018 10:43 AM

*sends gentle hugs*

tamobhuuta 02-11-2018 12:34 PM


one_step_closer 02-11-2018 04:46 PM

You are not worthless, I'm sorry you feel that way. I know how it feels to think you have reached the point of not being able to carry on and then you end up carrying on anyway and hitting the feeling wall again and again. You are so strong for keeping going and you deserve a break. Can you try and be kinder to yourself since external support isn't being great at the moment? You deserve some kindness from somewhere. I really hope that you will be able to feel that there is a point to your life in the near future and you can enjoy things more.

chinahorse 07-11-2018 09:36 PM

I've been trying to keep going I promise. Trying to so things that are nice.

But it's all gone to shit. Cut bad. Binged bad. Should purge. Nothing is healing. Everything hurts. I can not face the thought of work tomorrow. I just want to hide. I can not face the thought of work.

Someone talk to me. Someone help me.

Buttons. 08-11-2018 10:38 AM

I haven't got the words to help right now but I've read and I care.

tamobhuuta 08-11-2018 04:00 PM

I'm sorry things are so bad. How is today going?

chinahorse 08-11-2018 06:57 PM

Thank you guys <3

Today has been ok I suppose. Finally got hold of my cpn. She had nothing much to say though she does want to help. Suggested crisis for the weekend or taking some time off sick and she would phone the gp for me.

It's just hopeless. All I do is whinge.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 08-11-2018 09:20 PM

i love you. You're not whinging, you're in need of support.


tamobhuuta 09-11-2018 03:15 PM

What she said ^

chinahorse 10-11-2018 07:32 PM

What happens if I call 111 for a possible leg infection?

EyelinerAndCigarettes 10-11-2018 08:13 PM

111, will ask you basic questions first, like your name, address and if you're calling for yourself or another person.

They will then try to find out your problem & if the correct procedure to help you, i.e waiting till your GP opens, out of hours or A&E.


Elmer 10-11-2018 08:22 PM

Hey Lillie, I hope you manage to call them.

Thinking of you.

chinahorse 11-11-2018 09:29 PM

I'm not doing so good. I should go to A&E but its Sunday.

Aubergine 11-11-2018 11:11 PM

HEy Lillie. Have you been able to go?

chinahorse 12-11-2018 05:39 AM

No I was stupid and once again prioritised being able to go to work. But now I'm awake anyway. I'm so stupid.

chinahorse 12-11-2018 03:52 PM

My boss has just said some horribe things to me because I've had to leave early in pain. And now I'm sad and in pain. Am I a horrible person? She thinks I am.

Cacoethes 12-11-2018 06:08 PM

You are not a horrible person in the slightest
Sounds like she was out of order

Wish I had more helpful things to say

chinahorse 12-11-2018 06:17 PM

Thank you for helping.

I mean I knew she was mean but still. It's a job. She said that what Id done previously didn't matter and that I was severely letting them down and I'm the reason she won't get any of her own work done and it doesn't matter than I can appreciate that.

Tbh what I wanted to say was if you hadn't fired a girl on Friday for literally no reason but kept the girl who doesn't call in sick but just doesn't come in that's not my fault. It's not my problem. And cover for me had been arranged.

But apparently I'm the worst human being.
Im on the brink of self harming again.

nonperson 12-11-2018 06:54 PM

Your boss is the worse human being by far! I know it's hard but really really don't listen to whatever rubbish she's saying.

You're trying your very best (which sounds like way more than other people are doing and they don't have additional things to be dealing with) so it doesn't make you a horrible person for looking after yourself for once.

I'm really sorry your boss is so awful. I know that can't make anything easier. =(

Irisflower 12-11-2018 08:52 PM

I know it takes further time, but once your leg is healed, how would you feel about looking for a new job (without your current boss knowing, of course)? Are there temporary agencies where you live that might be able to help?

chinahorse 12-11-2018 08:58 PM

I'm not qualified in my job and my boss is paying the course fee for me so they 'own' me. And my wage is good. Better than in any equivalent position. You can't temp until you're qualified with experience.

Thanks NP. It helps knowing you and others think shes being out of order.

nonperson 12-11-2018 09:11 PM

How long until you finish the course and qualify?

chinahorse 12-11-2018 09:12 PM

Literally have 1.5 years left but I need them to witness and do things that they aren't.

nonperson 12-11-2018 09:49 PM

Oh. =/

Wish I knew what to suggest. I'd say be forceful with them but that might just backfire seeing as they seem to enjoy being awkward already.

chinahorse 14-11-2018 10:39 PM

Am struggling. Seriously struggling.

Aubergine 14-11-2018 11:46 PM

What's going on, Lillie?

chinahorse 15-11-2018 07:29 AM

I feel awful. I hate my work place. Am struggling to look after myself. I am so so tired. Self harm feels put of control. My body hurts. Everything is too hard and I want to stay in bed.

one_step_closer 16-11-2018 05:45 PM

I'm sorry you're still having such a hard time Lillie. Do you have the energy to look at each thing that is making things feel awful, like work and struggling to look after yourself and out of control self harm, and really break those things down further into what is so difficult about them and what possible solutions/changes there could be? I know nothing can be fully controlled but there might be small things that could help. If you could find ways to take better care of yourself then that might be a start, that's something you have a bit of control over. I know you feel like you're drowning in so much and there is too much to tackle and no options, chip away at smaller parts if you can. What's your support like at the moment?

chinahorse 16-11-2018 08:37 PM

I'm trying so hard I promise. I have to study and wash up and clean and work and wash laundry and pretend everything is ok.

I cant think enough to break things down. Can someone help?

My support doesn't exist.

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